THIS IS MY 2010 BLOG... revisited 5 years later

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Something lost (but not really), Day 173

For over three years I’ve worn a small piece of Guatemala on my wrist. Every day for nearly 1200 days the red and blue thread tied just above my hand has reminded me of a faraway place I call home, of people I’ve seen only a few times in my life yet whom I love so dearly, and of a wonderful ministry that’s doing what Jesus instructed, caring for orphans and widows and changing the world.

My red and blue bit of Guatemala fell off today. Taking hold of the broken thread I wondered, what will regularly spark memories of my distant home? How will I take Guatemala with me everywhere I go? Will I remember to pray throughout the day for all those I’ve grown so fond of? As I held it in my hand I felt as if a piece of me had broken off. It’s only a small simple bracelet but its absence leaves me feeling a little different.

So today reluctantly I say goodbye to a tiny extension of myself. Red and blue bracelet I shall no longer be greeted by your constant vision. BUT Guatemala still lives fervently within me. My love for it, the impact it’s had on my life on who I am, the memories I hold, the things I’ve seen and my compassion for its people will never leave. That is the distinct difference between having a truly wonderful thing and being… something incorruptible and everlasting.

God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart… Eccl 3:11

Spiders, Day 172

Lately I've been going to extremes with this whole respecting life, not wasting things, simplicity track I'm treading. I cannot kill bugs anymore and I feel badly when I do, really REALLY badly. I rescued a yellow jacket from my kitchen a few weeks ago. I also rescued a little black beatle from our living room. And I have just been letting the bugs in my basement live there happily. I killed a spider that was in our tent at cornerstone and I felt horrible about it. I also rescued a few bugs that had made there way into the tent. I genuinely feel awful if I'm the cause for anythings demise. This is getting bad.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

WILDflowers, Day 171

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. –Marcel Proust

I genuinely enjoy yard work. It’s a good work out. I like being outside. I have a strange predilection for getting dirty. I love flowers and listening to birds singing and bugs chirping. The smell of grass is one of my all time favorite aromas. Unfortunately I’ve had VERY little time available for getting outside and keeping up on my yard. Not to mention it’s been too hot to stay outside for any worthwhile period of time.

Our yard is starting to look pretty atrocious. The lawn is obtaining ugly brown spots and the lawn weeds are beginning to take over (we didn’t use Scott’s this year for money saving reasons… bad idea). My flower beds look pretty awful. The lilac bush is in desperate need of trimming as the lilacs have bloomed, died, and are now just sitting there all browned and purposeless. I need to cut the heads of the dead roses. The living flowers need some food. Oh, and the stupid weedy bushes that pop up like the moles in that wacka mole game… dig one out another appears elsewhere, well their getting big again and need to go NOW.

Seemingly unrelated but there’s a connection: As I was driving around today I was taking note of all the wild flowers alongside the roadways and filling fields. They’re tremendously large and abundant at present. I hadn’t really noticed them before today but they’re all over the place and they’re incredibly beautiful. I’m certain I saw several that were taller than me. They were definitely taller than the corn stalks in the neighboring fields. There were lacy white ones with large round heads. Tiny lilac colored ones in that classic flower shape… you know the one with the circle of petals that we all draw whenever we draw a flower. There were small yellow ones and pinky purple ones. They were absolutely filling fields. They were growing up over mailboxes, in rows in front of cattails, pretty much anywhere someone hadn’t mowed. I just kept looking at them and noticing them and enjoying them.

Funny thing though, if any of those “flowers” had been in my yard they’d be considered weeds. In the wild they’re so beautiful but in our controlled spaces, the ones we OWN, the ones we HAVE, they’re just something that gets in the way and needs to be taken care of. I guess I just have to laugh at the efforts we make to control our yards. I know it would look awful if I didn’t maintain it. If I had wild flowers growing taller than me in my front yard the city would probably fine us. The funny thing is just that nature unfettered and left to its own devices usually ends up being breathtaking.

And now I need to find time to clean up my mess outside.

Better is one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.    Ecc 4:6

(I copied this photo off the internet)

Bird Bath, Day 170

The other day my neighbor’s sprinkler was showering his lawn. It had created a pretty good sized puddle at the end of his driveway where the pavement was cracked in such a way that there was an indent. As I was leaving my driveway I noticed a little bird enjoying the shower and the puddle. The smile evoked at the site of it was tremendous. I hoped my car wouldn’t scare the little guy away. I couldn’t stand the idea of ruining so much enjoyment. He wasn’t even fazed by my presence. As I began to drive off I actually stopped for a moment to watch the tiny bird bathe. He was dipping his head in the small puddle, flapping his wings in the water and then brushing them over his wet head. Then he’d shake his little tail feathers and make ripples. He’d look up into the sprinkler mist above and then stick his head back into the puddle. I watched him for at least a minute. I genuinely believe that little bird was having fun, relieving itself from the heat, cleaning up a bit, and having fun just like we used to as kids running through sprinklers on hot summer days. The little guy really looked happy.


The site of it brought me much joy and I’m still thinking about it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

(sort of a part 2) Cornerstony things I vastly enjoy, Day 169

1. Arriving in Bushnell and knowing that you’re so close to being there
2. The crowd surfing plastic Santa Claus

3. The clay stench after it rains

4. Turkey sandwich & cheeze it lunches

5. Our shade tent that makes everyone look sunburnt

6. People randomly dressed in mascot costumes for no apparent reason despite the heat

7. Flatfoot 56 @ midnite

8. Amazing Grace a capella with a tent packed full of filthy sweaty punkers @ 2am(ish)

9. Illinois farmland starry night sky

10. Bible study w/ Robert (from Headnoise)

11. Finding a freshly cleaned port o potty

12. Accidentally discovering long lost favorite musicians in new bands

13. 6 year olds rockin out @ punk shows

14. All the sounds of nature (birds, bugs, wind, rain) mingled with almost every genre of music imaginable

15. Happening upon an AWESOME band you’ve never heard of before

16. Looking for license plates from all 50 states and Canada (and finding all but 5)

17. All the babies with noise reduction head phones on (they’re really cute)

18. Not showering all week : ) yep

19. Walking into my nice clean home and not really belonging at all since my entire body is covered in Cornerstone

20. Discovering really great bands just because of a neat looking sign on a port o potty

21. Nite time worship sets… AWESOME

22. The dust coating that every car at Cornerstone wears by the end of the week

23. And the finger tip writing on all the vehicle windows

24. Mud people when it rains

25. Screaming along to really good lyrics

26. Campsites w/ names

27. The circus tent ceilings at every show

28. Getting showered w/ fresh rose petals while Fields of Joy is being sung

29. Illinois fireflies

30. Watching entire families enjoy music together

31. An entire tent filled with people all singing in unison

32. Spending the week with my sister

Cornerstone Festival 2010, Day 168

This was my 10th year attending Cornerstone festival in Illinois. This fact alone makes me feel very old. I recently spent a little time pondering why I’ve driven 6 hours to spend almost week in a hot dusty (at times muddy) field with blaring loud music playing nonstop from noon to 2am for 10 years. It isn’t because I love nonstop sweating for days in a row. It isn’t because I so enjoy eating every meal out of a cooler (while watching my food supply slowly transform into a messy seemingly inedible sight). It isn’t because I love sleeping in a tent and waking up at 6 AM like a half cooked turkey with a slimy film all over my skin. Yes folks cornerstone festival is that glorious.

There’s a lot of great music at the festival. There are tremendously entertaining shows and sometimes one may find herself discovering a band she’ll love forever. I have fallen in love with Cornerstone farm and returning each year is a bit like coming home. However I think the thing that’s driven me to return for 10 years is the unifying feeling I’ve found nowhere but there. There are people of every age from infancy to elderly. There are people of every race and every color. There are popular trendy, punks, rockers, nomads, goths, nerds, dorks, yeah you name it. And obviously everyone is at a different place in their walk with the Lord but they’ve almost all come to cornerstone because they love the Lord and because they love music and they want to spend their 4th of July holiday celebrating there. The sweat and the dust, the mud and the discomfort, the camping inconveniences, oh and the port o potties are all an additional unifying factor no matter how annoying or uncomfortable. I would have Cornerstone no other way. I’m proud to be a part of the Cornerstone family. I glad to have had the opportunity for 10 years to share in the experience with SOOOOO many others. I do love music and usually the louder the better but I keep going back because in a strange sort of comparison I have tens of thousands of family members while I’m there… a bit like heaven will be.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Just thinking, Day 167

A man should look for what is and not for what he thinks should be.                                          -Albert Einstein

Maybe we should spend less time looking around. Maybe we should start seeing what’s in front of us. What if people stopped comparing theirs to yours and everyone else’s and started appreciating what they have?

I am very much an American. I believe in the right to life and the freedom of choice. I believe that all mankind should have access to medical care and that no one should go hungry. I believe that clean water shouldn’t be a privilege. I also believe that people who don’t have access to food, and clean water, and medical care should be noticed, recognized and taken care of by all of us who are living in abundance. And that is not only my belief but it’s an American principle (that we conveniently tend to overlook and forget).

All that said people have the right to choose how they are going to live. Someone isn’t necessarily “poor” because they are living in a tiny house without a television, automobile, an abundance of food and even electricity or running water. If this is their choice then what really makes them any different than you and I? Someone isn’t more beautiful just because they wear nicer clothing, better or more makeup, and can afford and choose to get a more expensive hair cut. A man is no better or admirable because he chooses to further educate himself. A man isn’t any less of a man because he doesn’t finish high school. We all make choices. We all live our own lives.

Unfortunately we all look at each other and then compare. We tend to think that our one little piece of candy isn’t so great after we notice the kitchen filled with candy that our neighbor has. Or we become quite proud of our measly little 1 piece once we realize that there are a lot of people out there who haven’t any.

I say, that as long as you’re making your own choices and doing what’s best for you then who’s to say you’re less or more, better or worse off than so and so? We need to stop belittling and idolizing and we need to just start living. Once we realize that everyone is human, that everyone has similar feelings underneath that skin of theirs, that everyone lives and dies and that no one can change any of this then life will become much more of what I think it was meant to be.

As the Scripture says, “Anyone who trusts in [Jesus] will never be put to shame.” For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile-the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." Rom 10:11-13

Piñata, Day 166

Have you ever noticed that once a piñata is broken open the littler kids tend to pick up one, two or three pieces of candy and the older kids get handfuls, armfuls, pocketfuls of stash? I was observing this very situation up close and personal yesterday. My 4 year old nephew was extremely excited about all the candy that he knew was inside that piñata. He was even more excited about getting his second chance at hitting the thing. But his eyes were glued on that opening. He was waiting for those older kids to knock it open and then he was going to get some candy. It was all planned out. I could see it in his eyes.

The piñata busted, all the kids ran, my nephew grabbed one piece of candy, began trying to open it so he could instantly enjoy the thing and before I knew it the ground was almost clear. I looked around to see the other smaller children executing the same course of action. The little ones never get as much candy at a piñata event but I don’t believe it has much to do with their size or speed. Those little guys are fast. Their minds are focused on now. They are excited about that one piece of candy and there isn’t a trigger inside of their little brains that tells them to hold off on the enjoyment so they can snatch up more enjoyment for later.

Its only once they notice that all the older kids are holding large amounts of the sweet stuff that they start to get frustrated about their tasty little treat. Once they compare the joy they’ve received from their conquest with the hoard the older ones are holding then they get upset and frustrated. I believe that if a piñata busted and every kid got one piece of candy the little ones would be perfectly content. They would have their conquest. They would have their treat. They would have their enjoyment. It is the older ones who are focused on winning, on getting the most, on having as much as possible to last them forever, or at least a few hours. It is the older ones who would be disappointed with the game if the winning meant only momentary satisfaction.

I like the way those littler guys think. It’s too bad they have to witness the hoarding. It’s too bad they can’t just enjoy that which they set out to do and of which they accomplished.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Day 165

Our internet has been down. I am getting an oil change right now and there are computers here. This is the lamest blog ever. Day 165 done.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

On the side of having, Day 164

This past winter Jesse and I drank A LOT of hot cocoa. I noticed a mug sitting on the counter today (it was 94 degrees outside today) and I thought of hot cocoa. The idea of it was repulsive but I said to myself, in contempt of the heat, “my it will be nice to crave hot chocolate again.” Why I would ever wish winter or cold upon my life is beyond me but the heat got the best of me today I guess. Shortly following my hot cocoa moment I thought about the coming fall, about apple cider and pumpkin pie. In that moment I eagerly looked towards the future once again completely forgetting how much I had wished it to be 100 degrees outside during this long long icy cold winter past.
I strongly believe that we should make the most of every moment. We should enjoy the heat while it’s hear, conjure up memories of the bitter cold and embrace the hot air upon our unclothed skin. Equally so we should embrace the beauty in winter and take advantage of those hot cocoa and fire place moments. I will never argue against making the most of every moment.

I did stop myself from getting upset today however when I began to look towards the future. I have to argue a bit upon the having side today. We, Michiganders, have large comfy winter coats, hot cocoa and fires. We have very specific wintery things that would make this blog way more enjoyable if I could think of any. We also have apple cider and pumpkin pie in the fall and many other fall time traditions. A LOT of these things are the means of clever marketing, I can’t disregard that. But they’ve become tradition much like the colorful outfits of civilizations past. Like their interesting delicacies and seasonal traditions. I can’t argue against that, at least not today, no matter how “having” it is.

It’s nice to enjoy those special things throughout each year, to have enjoyed those things with your parents and to be able pass the enjoyment on to future generations. All of that is something worth having. I just leave it at that.

A Colorful Sound, Day 163

“The Ember Days” an amazing band that I love played a worship set at Cornerstone. Before they played they began to explain that worship is not a spectator sport and that every person there should please please please sing along. The individual speaking then went on to explain that like artists we can paint a beautiful picture for Jesus with our voices. He said that each of us has a unique color and when we don’t join sing along the painting is missing that one special hue.

I loved this speech not only because of the awesome imagery but because I’m always hesitant to sing aloud at concerts (not the really loud ones though). Everyone’s there to hear the band not me after all.

I sang and I sang and I worshiped and added my color to the picture (figuratively speaking). Just before the last song I noticed someone standing in front of me, almost facing me. I looked up briefly to see him timidly smile. They boy quickly but hesitantly said to me, “You have a very beautiful singing voice.” I quietly responded with a bashful, “oh… thank you.” Then he returned to worshiping the Lord and so did I.

The boy complimented me, yes, but I don’t say all this in order to proclaim that “I AM A GOOD SINGER.” I was touched that a total stranger would go out on a limb like that to say something nice to me. It was truly a warm fuzzy. I loved seeing the sincerity in his eyes. I was blessed by the kindness in the simple gesture. He clearly felt awkward but he stepped out and added a little color to my life despite timidity or awkwardness.

I was thinking about this today. Wouldn’t it be so easy to brighten someone’s day, that of a total stranger even, if we just took a bit more notice of those around us and stepped out on that limb a tiny more often? I think the blessing in a compliment truly comes from the condition of the givers heart. I wouldn’t suggest anyone try and be nice to people. I think if you have to try and compliment someone then something is missing. The question then is, do you have any color to sprinkle into someone’s life today?

It makes for a lovely day when someone chooses to kindly notice you.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I think my eyelids are sweating, Day 162

92 degrees out of doors. 12 hours of work today. Lots of water and a pleasantly cool shower followed by good company and good music. ahhh.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Cafe update, Day 161

I did drink coffee in Guatemala. I knew I would. It is truly the best and the freshness of it when you're there right where it comes from is unbeatable.

I haven't drank coffee since I've been home, despite the extreme temptation. Since I caved to the Guatemala temptation it's been very difficult to resist. I just want ONE frappacino or I just want one cup of coffee at a breakfast place. Or I just want one iced mocha while at Cornerstone (where I utterly enjoyed drinking coffee every morning last year and a frapp every day). BUT so far so good. I am honestly proud of myself on this one. There were a few moments since returning home from Guate that I thought I was done for the rest of the year with this challenge. I think I've made it to the clearing and I should be able to stick out the rest of the year. YAY!

I think that after the coffee fast is over I will drink coffee again. I think I will only drink fair trade coffee and I am going to have to force myself to only have a few cups a week. Decaf will probably be a good plan as well.

And thats my coffee update, Day 161.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Considering my purchases, Day 160

I just updated my 2010 purchases blog list. I haven't updated for awhile becuase it was broken and I needed to just redo it and I didn't feel like taking the time. But now it's updated and I'm amazed at how little I've bought and yet how many things on the list I don't even utilize.

14 of the 30 items were for myself.
On Februry 27 I bought some stretchy pants that weren't anything how I hoped they'd be and in 5 months I've worn them twice.
On March 9th I bought weatherstripping that was on clearance for about $1 to cover my front window. The window has lead all over it and my cat sits right next to it. We've yet to install it because we're lazy and don't have a hair dryer.
I haven't ever worn the shorts I bought in April because matter of factly my legs are too white and it's a bit embarassing. (I haven't actually worn real shorts since probably elementary school)
The headbands and hair clips I bought in April aren't anything like I hoped they'd be. I am ALWAYS disappointed with hair stuff. So I've only used one of the head bands a few times.

13 of the 30 items were gifts for someone.
I am glad to have bought each of the gifts on this list but this just shows me that I need to be more creative with my gifting. Ideally I had planned to make gifts or at least come up with really creative non-THING type presents for people throughout this year. I believe that more often then not I could have made or creatively gifted something but I waited until there wasn't enough time or I was just too lazy to accomplish this task. And there's another lesson learned.

My list is quite disappointing. I guess I need even less than I think I do. I'm also finding out that treating myself to someTHING usually backfires. AND I can truthfully say that I cannot think of one thing I've refrained from buying that I wish I had gotten. Looks like I'm going to have to try harder to avoid buying those SALE items that would be so nice to HAVE and I'm going to have to constantly remind myself that if I don't NEED it then chances are I'm not going to use it. I am definatley learning from this little experiment.

ALSO, I haven't even once missed anything I've purged from my home thus far. I am extremely behind in that area though.

Beware that you do not forget the LORD your God by not keeping His commandments, His judgments, and His statutes which I command you today, lest--when you have eaten and are full, and have built beautiful houses and dwell in them; and when your herds and your flocks multiply, and your silver and your gold are multiplied, and all that you have is multiplied; when your heart is lifted up, and you forget the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage; Deuteronomy 8:11-14

The hairs on your head are all numbered, Day 159

I want to be loved simply because I am.
-Bradley Hathaway
Have you ever seen a small girl with those childhood smudges upon her cheeks; tiny ringlets at the ends of her straight blonde hair; oddly mismatched clothing spattered with holes, wear, stains; sticky palms covered in brown dirt and the hugest loveliest smile upon her little glowing face? She runs to her mother who’s taken zero note of the child’s hours and hours long absence and yet the little blonde darling can think of nothing other than sharing with her mom all the adventures she’s partook of while she’s been away. Her mind is racing with thoughts of the thousands of dandelions she picked, the pink butterfly she watched, the strange quirky dorky boy she met, the lines she swirled around in the dirt creating masterpieces of black brown artwork, the animals she saw in the clouds; we’re talking worlds and lifetimes of adventure here.

At her homecoming the child meets her mother with joy and exuberance. She may get a tired, “where’ve you been, huh?” greeting. The young girl begins to gush her stories of adventure. Her mother turns her head and hushes her and tells her to go and pick up the 20 puzzles she dumped out earlier in the back bedroom. The child quickly responds with a “yes mommy I will, I will… but,” then she continues to inform her mom of the many wonders of life. Her mom still hears not a word, but yells this time, “quite, CLEAN up your mess now! Didn’t you hear me?!” With but another attempt the young little blonde beauty tries to share her delight with her mom, her best friend… but to no avail. A tad bit heartbroken she trudges to the back room and fusses with the mess.

I’ve seen SOOO many children ignored, so many beautiful intelligent amazing little minds overlooked. I’ve seen so many hearts trampled upon and neglected by the people they adore more than anything. And yet I’ve never seen a small child not love his or her parents. Little children, no matter how they are treated glow with desire and with love for their parents. It’s one of the saddest and most beautiful things I’ve ever witnessed.

I was thinking about this a bit last week. This love, this unfettered absolute unconditional sad but beautiful love is how God loves us. It doesn’t matter what we do or how we treat Him. He desires us, to be with us, to listen to us, to speak and to sing over us. God is like a little child who loves despite every abuse. God desires that we love him like little children, passionately fervently desiring to share our hearts with our Father.

My heart breaks for every little child who loves despite the absolute neglect they’re given in return. But that is love and to take that away from them would be more tragic than anything. Additionally, God will never stop loving you.

The very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to Him than a whole flock of sparrows. Luke 12:7

Happy to be Home, Day 158

I have not blogged much in the past three weeks, being away from technology and all. I am going to TRY and double blog everyday to catch up a bit.

Today I'm just happy to be home. It's nice and calm and relaxing here, normal, maybe a tad bit boring, but it's wonderful to be home with my husband and our little furry ones. I am living a very good life.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

??? Day 157

Ever since I arrived home from Guatemala I’ve had this intense compulsion to shop. Oddly enough I haven’t taken the time to analyze this sudden drive but suddenly it’s driving me crazy. At all times there’s been this subtle desire in the back of my mind to go off somewhere and much like a toys r’ us sweepstakes winner would have when I was a kid just grab a hold of everything in my path and HAVE it. I want to flee to Chicago with Jesse and purchase clothing, elaborate food and desserts, shoes, household items, gifts for loved ones; you name it I want it (the last two times we went to Chicago we purchased nothing other than food). I want to drop everything and drive to the Grandville mall (which always makes my skin crawl when I’m there) and buy chocolates, books, PJ’s, clothes; oh the list goes on. I’m not for any psychotic reasons making this up. I’ve had this underlying compulsion poking at me ever since I got home.

It’s weird. I’m a tad bit ashamed to admit it. But thems the facts and I don’t understand the facts for one moment. Usually when I arrive home from Guatemala I have exactly the opposite pull take effect. I’m generally disgusted at the idea of spending a single penny. Usually I get annoyed with anyone who happens to pass by me in extremely nice clothing or with a brand new car. Usually money or the necessity of it is obsolete once I arrive home. Not this year.

Maybe I’m at a breaking point in this year long blogging thing. Maybe I need to go off into a corner somewhere and just sit and re-evaluate. Maybe I need to stare reality in the face and admit that I am an American with deep rooted tendencies towards spending, consuming, luxury, comfort, and spoiled rottenness. Maybe this is the point where I admit defeat, repent, and chose the path I’m going to trod. Will it be a path of conscious living, a path of simplicity and subtle beauty, one strewn with humanitarian efforts devoid of self absorption, or shall I stay upon the path I know, a path of comfort, and excess, a path which strays as far from the little man as humanly possible and traverses upon all which my little heart could ever desire?

Anyone who’s read much of this blog would know that my heart pulls me towards the more difficult path, one contrary to the life patterns engrained within me. I desire to do what my heart tells me is right, to live a simple life and care for the simple man. BUT my flesh, my being, something really loud and unbelievable strong inside of me shouts, “Just forget about it and live the life you know. Buy something for crying out loud!”

I admittedly am getting sick of fighting but I think this is the point where I pull out some boxing gloves or just surrender.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Day 156

I should have more than enough to say. But somedays my brain does not work. That'd be today.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Home, Day 155

Today I am pondering home. My house very much feels like home. I love my husband, our little furry family and our home. But home isn’t where someone lives. I know this quite well. During my teenage years I felt much more at home while I was staying with certain friends than I did being at my house. My house wasn’t comforting to me at all. Every year when I arrive in Guatemala I have this overwhelming sensation of being home. Every time I have the opportunity to go I jump at it. Being reunited with Chichi is beyond comforting. It just feels right being there. I feel a similar connection to the Cornerstone farm. My sister and I drive 6 hours to get there every year. We roll into the dusty field filled with tents and, ahh… I can breathe. I feel free, at peace, safe, I feel like I’m home when I arrive there.

Thinking about it home must be a place filled with relationships; a place where incredibly special people reside; people that one’s heart loves and is drawn to. Home must be a place where one feels alive; a place where one can be who they are, unfettered, unchained, unburdened. I’m incredibly fortunate to have found three very special places that I can call home. But at the same time it’s easy to get home sick. Often times I long so adamantly to return to Guatemala, to smell the ashy aroma everywhere I go, to feel the dust on my skin, to hear the Guatemala Spanish being spoken all around me. Sometimes I wish I were at Cornerstone with music of all different genres blaring in the background, sun beating down upon me always, warmth and people, people everywhere who in at least a little way feel the same way about life as I do (or at least about music).

As for right now, this very moment I am home. I am me. I am at peace. I have loved ones surrounding me. I am confident and comfortable and happy to be… home.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Filthiest Gift I’ve ever been Given, Day 154

We saved the bulk of our donations all week so that on Thursday we could bring them to pacaxiqu, the hardest hit area around Chichi. We drove higher into the mountains than I’ve ever gone. I felt as if we were on the top of the world looking out over the mountains, over Guatemala. I could see forever. I could probably have seen my house if I’d eaten more carrots prior to the visit (and if the world was flat). The view was mesmerizing.

On top of the world at pacaxiqu we gave clothes, shoes, toys, toothbrushes, and candy to all the families who had recently lost everything. A lot of people showed up for our give away. They were very appreciative and happy. I made friends with a little boy who received a new superman shirt and tennis shoes that lit up. Together we chased around an orange bouncy ball for a long time.

Once we were ready to leave Ron informed us that the people had a gift for us. We were led to a church building where chairs had been set out for each of us. We all took a seat and then were served a large piece of cake with soda. The cake was delicious. There were several different flavors of pop that were brought around for us to choose. I chose a Pepsi. As we each grabbed a hold of our beverages there was a universal look of fear in our eyes. Everyone hesitated for a few minutes before they took a drink.

In Guatemala the people collect empty bottles, refill them (I think out of fountain machines) and resell them. The bottles are found lying on the side of the road, in trash piles, wherever, and they are not sanitized before being reused. We’ve been strongly cautioned against drinking anything in glass bottles for this very reason.

We couldn’t do the safe thing and refuse to drink the sodas. The fact that the people had gotten them specifically for us was a tremendously incredible gesture. Those people had little money, many of them had recently lost EVERYTHING in the tropical storm and yet they had bought cake and pop to thank us for bringing them donations. We could not decline.

Just before gulping down my Pepsi I thanked God for the awesome blessing it was and asked Him to protect me against anything harmful. I then lifted the VERY worn glass towards my lips, taking note of a scraped up ring around the logo that had been worn right off and I noticed a good amount of brown build up, just under the mouth of the bottle. I cringed a tiny bit and then I enjoyed my Pepsi with the most delicious of cakes.

On the way back to town the truck got stuck in a mud slide. I got mud in my eye and all over me. It was quite the adventure on top of the world but I wouldn’t change a thing.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Beanie Bear, Day 153

On Wednesday we visited a refugee camp in the city. The people there had all lost their homes. They had virtually no belongings left. Many of them had lost loved ones, some entire families. The people were being sheltered in a school building. There were thin mattresses rolled up along the edges of the gymnasium. Each mattress was accompanied by trash bags which contained all that remained of what the people owned.

We brought with us a few toys, candy, games, prizes, clowns, and some teachings about the Bible. As we riled up the children, played games, and made a ruckus all I could see was joy. I didn’t even catch a glimpse of loss or depression. The children ran around with vibrant smiles on their little faces. They jumped and sprinted and tackled each other over a ball. By the time we began our program the boys all had tremendously sweaty faces upon which they wore huge smiles.

The first game that we played during the production was an m&m relay involving 6 boys and 6 girls. As the children were being selected I noticed one boy who was incredibly eager to play. He was so excited to be picked, jumping up and down, begging the payasos to choose him. I couldn’t help but smile at the excitement he displayed. It seemed that all of his friends were chosen but not him. He was probably the oldest of all his friends, somewhere between 12 and 14. The look on his face upon discovering his defeat was initially one of shock. I think he was hoping for brief moment longer that he would still be called. As he sat down he wore an all encompassing expression of rejection, tragedy, and loss. My heart broke as I watched him admit defeat. I leaned over to him and told him there would be another game. He smiled a tiny bit but he was hardly consoled. I knew only 1 boy would be selected for the next game but I couldn’t just sit and watch his little heart breaking. I tried to offer some hope.

When the second game came around the clowns were scrambling to pick a contestant. They couldn’t remember who had already played and who hadn’t. I rushed over to the chaos, pointed adamantly at the boy and said, “I know that HE hasn’t played yet.” One of the clowns ushered him forward and with a delightful sigh of relief I retook my seat.

The game involved 1 boy, 1 girl, and 5 buckets. Each bucket concealed a prize; 1 piece of candy, or a handful of candy, or a jar of baby food, or more candy, or lastly, the grand prize. The boy chose one bucket, the girl chose another. As the remaining buckets were slowly removed to reveal what prizes hadn’t been chosen each child had to decide whether to stick with their first choice or whether they wanted to switch to one of the remaining buckets.

When all was said and done the boy won the grand prize. He received more candy than he could carry and a beanie bear. He was delighted, ecstatic as he made his way back to his seat with his arms full of goodies and all his friends oohing and ahhing at his conquest. After he sat I couldn’t help but notice how enraptured he was by his brand new beanie bear. (If I may clarify, virtually none of the items we gave away were brand new. They’d all been donated by people back home). The boy began to play with the little bear. He lifted it up like a father with a tiny child. He swung the bear back and forth as if it were on a swing set. For at least 5 minutes I watched the young man, 12 to 14 years of age play with that little bear almost as if it were the only toy he’d ever had. After a bit I noticed him give the beanie a little kiss on the nose, followed by another, and another.

I don’t know his story or his loss. I don’t know what toys or pets or family members may have been taken away by one of the mudslides. But I do know that with that one little bear he received something more valuable than possibly everything I own.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Diego, Day 152

My diamond has returned to my hand as I’ve no further reason to conceal it. I’ve enjoyed a long hot shower with great water pressure and I didn’t have to think even once about what types of parasitic organisms would have ended up in my stomach had I accidentally opened my mouth. I’ve giddily flushed tons of toilet paper thanks to our grand American sewer systems and I don’t think I could find a toilet here like the stench filled hole hidden behind a few boards at Saquilla if my life depended on it. My clothes are clean without any traces of mud. The television is readily accessible. My car glides forward ever so smoothly on our nicely paved flat roadways and the bucket seat hugs me as drive. I’ve willfully engorged myself on two separate occasions already. I am home.

My return to the world I know all too well has brought more with it than simply further enlightenment on all the luxuries we take daily for granted. I have little faces set fast within my mind. I’ve returned home with an increased love for the people of Guatemala. I’ve returned home with names engraved upon my heart. There was one little boy, Diego, it seems I always fall head over heels in love with just one. I have Diego to pray for, to bring before the Lord in petition every single day. A part of me wishes adamantly that I could have stayed. I wish I could have endured the parasites and stinky toilets only to have an opportunity everyday to say, “I love you” to that little boy. If every day I could tell him how special he is and how much God cares for him. If every day I could remind him of his future, tell him there’s a purpose to his life, hug him and play basketball. If every day I could be there for just that one, I feel my life would be perfectly complete.

He remembered me (at least he remembered us) from years before. The look of sheer joy he wore at our return was priceless. He was different than the other children. He enjoyed playing with the rest of them but he was beyond eager to help out in any way he could. He moved tables and chairs with us. He painted some. He helped round up the other children. He taught me a little Quiche. He was brimming with joy. His smile is priceless. Diego lives in the mountains of Guatemala in a tiny home unfit for our gardening tools. His clothes are full of holes, his shoes are beyond worn. He goes to school, but at the age of 13 he’s incredibly close to completing school. He’s so young and such a precious child but in the world where he lives he’s practically a man. He attends the feeding program near his home twice a week with his 5 brothers and 1 sister (there’s an infant brother back home who’s too young to attend the program just yet).

Finding someone so special with such a grim future looming ahead of them brings unending tears. I can only hope. I can only pray. I cannot live there but bits of my heart have stayed in Guatemala with Diego.

So we have continued praying for you ever since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you a complete understanding of what he wants to do in your lives, and we ask him to make you wise with spiritual wisdom. Col 1:9 NLT


Spanish word for the day: Broma - Joke

Monday, June 21, 2010

I can’t stop thinking about the shoe shine boys, Day 151

It’s nice to be home. But it’s also difficult. Every time I return from Guatemala I look all around me, everywhere I look there is waste, unnecessary want and individuals blessed beyond comprehension who’ve total disregard for those less fortunate who virtually cover this planet.

The last thing I want is to judge anyone for anything. I haven’t ventured all the way to Guatemala in an attempt to love people only to then return home and dislike people. That’d be stupid. But it is very difficult, the culture shock; to witness firsthand the tremendous gap that separates two entirely different societies.

Yesterday I was very tired. I am still suffering from pretty intense jetlag. All day I’ve hardly been able to keep my eyes open. My eyelids are extremely heavy. Yesterday I woke up at 10 (with only 6 hours of sleep). I spent some time visiting Jesse’s grandmother in the hospital. We just stood there, and stood there, and stood there. After standing for far too long we went Father’s day shopping. We stopped at the Hallmark store, Frank’s meat market, Meijer, Papa Murphy’s pizza, and a party store in GH. I’m genuinely amazed at how quickly little bits of money can add up to a grand sum total and all the while slowly escape ones grasp. It seems additionally that while little bits of money meander off, time always goes away with it. After the spending spree we went to Jesse’s parents’ house. We watched TV and ate pizza. That was the whole of my day. I didn’t do anything significant. There wasn’t one thing I had to do out of necessity in the whole of 24 hours. It was a lazy day. It was a rather wasteful day.

I’m not complaining about holiday or arguing against rest but I cannot stop thinking about the shoe shine boys in Guatemala. These children can be found everywhere; young boys with little wooden stools and accompanying wooden boxes of black polish. The boys wear black smudges upon their clothing, their faces, their wooden necessities; black smudges cover their lives. They spend all day walking through the streets, or sitting on their 4 inch tall stools, waiting and looking for shoes to shine. They’re cleaver little sales men who’ll shine your shoes with black polish even if you’re wearing white sneakers. If you’re wearing sandals or in no way interested in a shoe shine they cut right to the chase and just ask for food or money or candy; whatever they think you’ll be most likely to offer. Here in America we don’t even allow our children of similar ages out alone and these young boys work the streets all day trying to make a living.

I feel strange just sitting around. I feel a bit sad just relaxing, enjoying the breeze on a warm summer day. I feel ungrateful not recognizing every tiny bit of freedom I enjoy knowing there is such want, such need, such toil being executed elsewhere under this very same sun. It’s difficult coming home.

"When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on His right hand, 'Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.' "Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You? 'And the King will answer and say to them, 'Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.' "Then He will also say to those on the left hand, 'Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink…  Matt 25:35-42

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I am here, Day 150

How weird is it that half of the time when we're doing one thing we're thinking about doing something else latter on. Once we arrive at that something else what's the likelyhood that we'll end up thinking about something else while we're there?

Why do we do this?

Now is happening. I should try and be here.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matt 6:34

I'd like to add to that: Do not look towards tomorrow for joy, for tomorrow will take care of it's self. Sufficient for the day is its own delights.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Day 149

Instead of posting about my anxiety I am going to pack : )

Monday, June 7, 2010

T- minus 77 hours, Day 148

I have to admit that I am a little worried about the upcoming trip. I am worried that I am going to arrive in Guatemala, I am going to see firsthand the reality of the devastation, my heart will then break, and I will begin crying never to stop.


One of the missionaries down there right now posted something about how she just talked with a pregnant woman, “who lost her home and 5 of her family members… her story could be told many times over.” The saddest part of this for me is that I can see their faces. I have been there. I have fallen in love with the people. I have played so joyously with the little children. I’ve prayed over despairing mothers. I’m not prepared to see those kinds of tears in those precious eyes.

I sit here in my air-conditioned mansion typing away at my computer, delicious filling dinner digesting within my stomach, my husband watching television in the background with our two little dogs and cat who probably ate more this evening than many of the people in Guatemala. I’m not sure I’m prepared to see that kind of devastation.

I’m ready to go. I can’t wait to go. But I cannot get over the harsh reality of what I’m about to step into. And then I shall leave, and they’ll all still be there, and a little hope with have been given, a little love will have been shared, a ton of clothes will have been distributed, and I dare say A LOT of hard work will have been executed, but I will return to luxury and they will still be hungry.

My heart is already breaking and I haven’t seen it yet. I cannot imagine what it will look like. And honestly who debates with themselves over the purchase of a cup of tea as emphatically as I do. I’m genuinely terrified of how I might return. I might never buy a new article of clothing for the rest of my life after this trip. I’m going to look like a hobo in a few years.

I’ll leave it at that… for now.



"The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good tidings to the poor... to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified." And they shall rebuild the old ruins, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the ruined cities... Isaiah 61:1-4
P.S. in the Quiche language "Quiche" is two words which means "Many Trees."

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Torches Together, Day 147

And the LORD went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so as to go by day and night. He did not take away the pillar of cloud by day or the pillar of fire by night from before the people. Ex 13:21-22
The Lord goes before me. All that He has planned He shall accomplish.

A fire goes before Him, and burns up His enemies round about.
Psalm 97:3
I don’t want to just be. I don’t want to shrink back from the flames. I don’t want to stand back afar and gaze upon the splendor of the Lord. I am sick of complaining about the heat. No longer do I wish to announce the discomfort from the flames as a work of the devil. The enemy doesn’t have access to the fire of the Lord. On the contrary he’s terrified of it.

So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.
Rev 3:16
I am an instrument. The heart of this instrument longs for fire. I believe that if I draw near enough to God, near enough to the pillar of fire that goes before me then I shall become consumed like a phoenix. I shall become a torch to carry the fire, to spread the flame, to share the warmth.

[John the Baptist declared] One mightier than I is coming… He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. [Jesus told His followers] You shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you and you shall be my witnesses…
Luke 3:16, Acts 1:8
Jesus said, “Go.” He said, “You are the light of the world,” like a city set on a hill which cannot be hidden. Let us go together. Let us be torches together. In unity may we share the love, the compassion, and the fire of the Father with all who desire life.

You call on the name of your gods, and I will call on the name of the LORD; and the God who answers by fire, He is God. So all the people answered and said, "It is well spoken." Then the fire of the LORD fell and consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood and the stones and the dust, and it licked up the water that was in the trench. Now when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces; and they said, "The LORD, He is God! The LORD, He is God!"
1 Kings 18: 24,38, 39

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Fire, Day 145

The old testament talks regularly of burning the pagan cities with fire; of burning the idol worshipers with fire; or destroying all that was bad with fire. The people, like God, go forth often with fire to consume all that lies within their paths. These stories hardly portray the good guys as good. Who wants to hear about woman and children running and screaming as their homes are burned to the ground, meanwhile the “good” guys stand and revel in their victory? We’ve all seen this sort of thing in movies. We’ve read of it in books, in history books in fact. People who play with fire are generally not nice people. Those people are always the villains.

When we look at the old testament stories of conquest literally, there is such heartache there, so much death, and so much destruction. So many lives are lost, for what, that one people might possess a piece of earth which previously belonged to another people? The constant reference to fire destroying evil and enemies is harsh and dark. Many of the verses in the Bible about God consuming with fire almost make God look like a meany head. I looked through the Bible today to find life, to discover power and light in the old testament references to fire, but they each seem so destructive.

Pagan stories of old all intertwine the spiritual with the physical. Historians stand in awe of each ancient epic, but you’ll always hear them say, “These are only stories. We must recognize that there is little validity in them. We cannot take them for fact. We must only view them as a picture of what life may have looked like all those hundreds and thousands of years ago.”

If we were to look at the old testament stories as parables, or as stories, the way in which we are taught to view the pagan tales, well, then I feel we would see a much different picture. The story goes something like this: There is this thing, a God, who created EVERYTHING. He is all powerful, all knowing, and He only desires good. This God created man and He loved man. He only desired good for His creation. However man multiplied and some men decided to follow God, to listen to the creator and to seek out what is good. Other men decided that life would be much more interesting if they ignored God and discovered that there was this awesome intriguing power in serving only themselves and abandoning the idea of unity, all concepts of love, rules, regulations, structure; life is more exciting when you can do anything you want.

This God, this creator, He burns with fire. It is a brilliant, bright, magnificent and powerful fire. It consumes all that it touches. The fire burns off excess, rubbish, waste; the fire refines and purifies. The Creator who burns with fire offered His fire to the men who chose to accept His love, the men who chose to Love the Creator. The fire would consume man but that when God created man He breathed His own breath into their lungs. They are alive because He lives in them. Those who’ve been offered the fire now have the power to consume all that is bad, all that is evil, and all that is contrary to the Creator.

These followers of God, they go forth seeking life, seeking light, seeking beauty, seeking truth, and seeking signs of God here on earth. While they carry the fire they consume with it all the darkness, all the filth and wretchedness, all the lies and perversion that they come across. People who’ve forgotten God, who no longer realize there is a creator they see the fire, it consumes pieces of them which are contrary to the nature of God who created them and it hurts but once they are set free from the darkness and dross which has surrounded them they are called back to the way of truth and of beauty.

I know the old testament stories don’t look quite like this. But this, to me, is the simplified version of the long story. You’re probably saying wow that’s a stretch. Maybe if you think God is a joke you’re saying those people with fire should just leave those other people alone. Who’s to say that light is good and dark is bad? Here’s what I say: If the pagans who told the stories hundreds and thousands of years ago, stories of the underworld, of fairies, giants, banshees, mystical powers, spiritual blessing and spiritual wrath, if they believed so strongly in the spiritual that they could see it manifest in their physical lives then who are we to say they were only telling stories? Who are you to say, if I believe strongly enough, that my God, the creator of everything, didn’t give me fire so that I could discover beauty, light, and truth?

The wrath of the Lord is regularly accompanied by fire. But if good is there, if purity, if pricelessness, then the fire causes that which is pure to be brought forth while anything less is destroyed.

For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. Therefore understand today that the LORD your God is He who goes over before you as a consuming fire. He will destroy them and bring them down before you; so you shall drive them out and destroy them quickly, as the LORD has said to you. For our God is a consuming fire.
Deu 4:24, Due 9:3, Hbr 12:29

Friday, June 4, 2010

Man my life is hard, Day 144

In less than a week I’ll be on my way to Guatemala. Guatemala where a volcano just recently erupted showering everything around it with tons of ash. The volcano eruption was followed by a devastating tropical storm which practically buried the country with water and mud. Homes have been literally washed off mountain sides all over the country. Roads were destroyed. Sink holes were created. There are thousands of homeless people right now throughout Guatemala. As if the poverty weren’t enough already; as if the tiny mud huts with dirt floors and thatched or scraps of tin for roofing were too much to ask for; we now go at a time when things have only gotten worse.


And here I am, all week, thinking, pondering, debating, what do I NEED to buy to bring to Guatemala? Honestly all week I’ve been thinking about getting tiny containers for my shampoo, conditioner, face wash, ect;. I’ve been contemplating whether or not I should purchase some boots; I mean if there’s going to be ton of mud everywhere… I’ve been wondering if I should buy snacks for the week, and if so which kinds and if I could maybe find coupons for said munchies. I’ve been trying to decide if my current sunscreen is too old. Do I need new sunscreen? Should I buy bug spray? Do I need a raincoat or will the poncho I have do? Is it even going to rain? Ooh, I might need a neck pillow for the plane? Man my life is hard. Imagine all the inconveniences I’ll face if I don’t bring all the right stuff.

Wow, there are THOUSANDS of poor people (literally poor people) with NOTHING right now. I can’t decide what “necessities” I should or shouldn’t buy… I’ve got it rough.

Everything is meaningless, says the Teacher, utterly meaningless! Everything under the sun is meaningless, like chasing the wind. All is meaningless, says the Teacher, utterly meaningless. Here is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is the duty of every person. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.
Ecclesiastes 1: 2,14
Ecclesiastes12: 8,13,14

Thursday, June 3, 2010

What does your “I love you” say? Day 143

Does your “I love you” say:
You make me so happy.
You bring me such joy.
You cause the sun to shine upon me.
I hear music when I’m with you.
You make me feel safe, secure, comfortable, and care free.

Does your “I love you” announce:
There’s nothing I’d rather do than make you happy.
There’s nothing more important to me than you.
Life is perfect when I know you’re ok.
I desire to sing for you.
I want to take care of you.

I think “I love you” should speak all of the above and so much more but I know that a large majority of the time the phrase seems to hang out in the first category. We tend to "love" when it makes us feel good. I don’t believe love should be centered around what someone can do for you. If you’re loving someone because they make you feel good then it sounds like they’re loving you but are you really loving them?

I say I love you a lot to Jesse but every time I do something annoying, something that I know bothers him or upsets him I’m neglecting my I love yous. I’m human, not perfect… I realize this. What I’m saying is I need to listen to what I’m saying. I need to think about it. I need to make sure I’m including all of the above and so much more in every single “I love you.” It’s not just a phrase. It’s not just a relationship one has. It’s a way of life, a heart condition, and a choice.

Te amo!

Love is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:5 NIV

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

How many times can I say simplistic in 3 paragraphs, Day 142

Simplistic is anything but simple.


Since reading “Affluenza” and then attempting to read ” Walden” I’ve had this inward passion to live a simplistic lifestyle. Then I went to Guatemala and witnessed firsthand what that really looks like. The poverty there is sad and uncalled for but the simplicity of the people’s daily routines is awesome. Then I read "To have or to be?" I'm sold.

I guess the term simplistic is referring to the lack of necessities, the lack of things one needs to operate, because it isn't refering to how life becomes once you've chosen the path. A simplistic lifestyle is difficult. Growing your own food instead of going to the grocery store isn’t a simple task. Executing mundane chores like cooking, washing clothes, traveling, or doing yard work (I imagine you get the drift) without modern equipment is not easy. Simple is the last word I’d use for the aforementioned.

However, living simplistically brings one back to nature. It causes you to use your own facilities; your hands, your back, your legs, your mind, and muscles you didn’t realize you had. People who’ve chosen to live a simplistic life have chosen to view the world they live in; they’ve chosen to LIVE; they’ve chosen to FEEL. It’s not easy but the reward you receive from letting go of all the stuff that executes life for you is life.

"So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; "Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matt 6:28,31,34

A Plan is not the same as A List, Day 141

I've decided that dicipline requires a plan of action.

I can say I want to lose 20 pounds but if I don't devise a plan it's probably not going to ever happen. I could say I want to go to California but if I don't figure out the details I most likely won't ever end up there.

So to answer my own question... the times when I am so strong are the times I'm dreaming a dream. In those moments I can see a beautiful picture of what I want and it's as if I could just reach out and take hold of it. The times of weakness that follow, instead of ruining me and erasing the picture, I believe, could more easily be overcome if a plan were in place.

I'm a visionary. I see things on a grand scale; always have, probably always will. I've never been much for recognizing all of the little steps it takes to get to the finish line. Today I say, "ah ha, I'm not gonna get there unless I start walking, time for the baby steps."

So now that I've realized I need to start baby stepping I just want to say that I'm sort of excited about it. This year I've been learning to enjoy each step I take. I've been learning to live in the moment. I've been learning to appreciate life, every little bit of it along the way. So this baby step, plan of action, defining dicipline thing might not be so bad after all.

But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.
Habakkuk 2:3 NLT

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

We used to be best friends, Day 140

I dreamt that you were with me. I wanted desperately for us to be friends. I tried to keep you for just a tiny bit longer. But our friendship is impossible. We live in entirely different worlds. Even in my sad dream this was a harsh reality...

I wonder if losing someone in death might sometimes be easier than losing someone in life. And then I wonder if friendship should be a thing to be had. This could turn into several pages of rambling. But to know that someone is alive, that they're living, breathing, experiancing life; shouldn't this be a joyful bit a knowledge even if that someone is no longer apart of your life?

...And now I've become only a distant memory. This is an unsettling fact but my life goes on.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
1 Corinthians 13:7 NLT

Monday, May 31, 2010

Preach it Paul, Day 139

In one moment I'm completely driven, ready to take on the world. In the very next moment I'm weaker than a baby, nothing holding me back from utter ruin. I don't get it and I don't like it.

I do not understand the complexities of human emotion (I know... who does). It's drving me insane.

I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.
Romans 7:15,19,21 NLT

Update, Day 138

I’ve been reading my Bible outside each morning for the past three days. For the past three days I’ve had an overwhelming calm and peace about my spirit.

I haven’t bought one single thing in a long time because I have been trying so diligently to not spend money.

I’ve stopped memorizing Spanish words. I don’t know why I do that. It’s so easy: just pick a word and remember it. I get mad at myself for neglecting the little things which mean so much to me, which are essentially so easy, and yet which I just let go.

I haven’t gotten rid of anything from my house in a long time but I keep telling myself that I’m going to have a garage sale…

I haven’t drank any coffee (with the exception of two sips of a “white chocolate hot chocolate” that the barista thought should have espresso in it) since January 31st. 4 entire months. That’s the good news. The sad news is that despite my having purged coffee I’m not much nearer to the ultimate coffee purging goal. I still, adamantly look forward to the day I’ll be able to drink it. I’ve almost completely assured myself that I will drink at least one cup in Guatemala. And in the mean time I’ve still got tea, hot cocoa, and other splendid beverages to take coffee’s place in my needy little life. So, I’ve done really well with the main objective but at present I’m not really accomplishing what I set out to do.

This year has been challenging, to say the least. I’ve been angry with myself for letting so many things go. On the flip side I’ve been learning how to let things go. I can’t live life always striving to accomplish everything and then always frustrated for having not accomplished it all. I am SLOWLY learning to set goals, to work hard, and to look positively at the outcome, knowing that it isn’t ever truly over until I’ve breathed my last. Ultimately I am learning to enjoy the ride; notice the flowers in the path and to feel the sun on my skin. I’ve definitely grown, realized much, and I continually look forward to each step along the way.

Make me walk in the path of Your commandments, For I delight in it.
Psalm 119:35

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Day 137

Today was great, and not because I aquired anything new or accomplished a grand feat. Throughout the day I stopped to enjoy. I read my Bible out side this morning with the beautiful day unfolding all around me. I did accomplish quite a lot today but I enjoyed each task, I enjoyed the individual moments surrounding them. Being outside while I washed my car and pulled weeds in the front bed with the warm sun and bright blue sky was incredible. I'm not proud to have accomplished the tasks, I'm delighted to have lived those moments. Listening to incredible music while I washed dishes and straightened the house was invigorating. I'm not enjoying a sense of relief because there are clean dishes in my kitchen, my joy is from having lived life today. Washing the laundry and hanging it out to dry was revitalizing. I'm glad to have conserved energy, to have utilized the sun, and to have had that time in the great out doors with the soft grass poking between my toes. I enjoyed today. I lived today. I don't even recall having seen one cheetah. 

Friday, May 28, 2010

Fallen Helicopters, Day 136

While walking along a sidewalk covered in helicopters the consecutive crispy crunchings created by each footstep is magnificent.

The world is full of magnificence. We've only to stop and notice.

On the glorious splendor of thy majesty, and on thy wondrous works, I will meditate.
Psalm 145:5

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Cardinal, Day 135

Tired. More chores. I was hanging my laundry on the line in the back yard yesterday. It was hot. the sun was bright and the sky was blue. There was a pleasant breeze gently blowing. A beautiful bright red cardinal landed on my fence and watched me complete my task.

I love that God created the animals. The simplest of acts, a red bird landing on a fence, can add so much to an ordinary day.

And then he was gone.

(and now I just learned something... cardinal is shade of red... whoa. So much increase from one little bird.)

Then God said, "Let the waters abound with an abundance of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the face of the firmament of the heavens."
Genesis 1:20

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

It’s hot outside, Day 134

I am thoroughly enjoying the sudden burst of summer, from the blinding sunshine to the wall of heat that evokes instantaneous beads of sweat when one steps outdoors (at least out of air conditioned doors). Driving with widows rolled all the way down, the hot air rushes through the car and massages my skin. There are white fuzzies wafting through the newly tropical air like summer snowflakes. The grass along roadways and in fields is every shade of green, it’s grown quite long, and it sways in the heat like a crowd of comrades dancing. I’ve already received my first sunburn of the year (hopefully the last). Even while my dying fire red skin stings, burns, and itches I’m forced to smile at the constant reminder that summer is here and our winter coats may now be cast far away. The occasional pain joyfully speaks to me, “you’re very much alive!” The heat and the humidity which any normal person would find very uncomfortable are both soothing and exciting to me. I can clearly remember the bitter cold dark days of this winter past and the sudden summer and new found heat is very welcomed right now while I still hold those lingering icy cold memories. Welcome summer!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Ice cream, Day 133

I WANT ICE CREAM NOW!!!!

I saw this little girl at meijer the other day. Well she wasn't so little. She was one of those really pudgy kids thats so pudgy they all kinda look alike. She was probably 3 years old but the size of a 5 year old. Her parents had her sitting in the cart (where the groceries usually go). She was holding onto the bars and SCREAMING "I wanna sucka," with a bit of a lisp, over and over and over again. Obviously everyone was looking at her but she wasn't fased one bit. She wanted a sucker.

Inside, no one can see, I feel just like that little girl a lot of the time. Some little person in me is holding on and screaming at the top of her lungs right at this very moment, "I WANT ICE CREAM!" I'm afraid that the only way to permenantly stop her from screaming is to NOT give her any icecream, to discipline her and teach her self respect and self control. I could just get some ice cream and quite the inside noise for a little while. But it would return sooner than later and I would just get pudgier and pudgier (pleasantly plump as my Grandpa McRae would say).

I don't want to be a pudgy little girl but I want ice cream : (

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:11

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Meownah, Day 132

Sometimes you need a place to rest when you’re running from cheetahs.

The eternal God is your refuge (your dwelling place), and underneath are the everlasting arms; He will thrust out the enemy from before you, and will say, 'Destroy!'
Duet 33:27

The God of my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; my Savior, You save me from violence.
2 Sam 22:3

For You are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
Ps 61:3

The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.
Prov. 18:10

But to the poor, O LORD, you are a refuge from the storm. To the needy in distress, you are a shelter from the rain and the heat. For the oppressive acts of ruthless people are like a storm beating against a wall, or like the relentless heat of the desert. But you silence the roar of foreign nations. You cool the land with the shade of a cloud. So the boastful songs of ruthless people are stilled.
Is. 25:4-5

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Ps 46:1

There will be cheetahs. You will have to stand strong and run fast. Rejoice therefore that you have a God you can run to. It would be beyond exhausting to just keep running with no place to go.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Day 131

How you spend your days is how you spend your life. I just saw that on a sign. It's so true.

It's not that one amazing thing you did that makes up your life. It's not one accomplishment or two or three. Are you usually frusterated? Do you regularly worry about everything? Are you normally happy? Are you generally thankful? Each and every day makes up your lifetime, not just that one great thing you did once.

This really puts things into perspective for me. Everytime I argue with Jesse or pick at him for little insignificant things; all the time I worry and stress about accomplishments; my constantly being tired; it all adds up and it doesn't end up being a bad day, it turns into my lifetime. I think I can do better.

(some people spend their lives sitting on porches, just sitting)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I'm honestly pondering this, Day 130

I was noticing today that people who sit out on there porch and just sit are usually unattractive. Sorry if you're quite attractive and you sit out on your porch and just sit, I haven't seen you. Why do only unattractive people just sit aournd on their porches?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Day 129

This year is flying by. I've noticed time speeds up as you get older. I cannot imagine what life would be like at age 70 or 80. To God a day is as a thousand years and a thousand years are as a day. I think I'm starting to understand that. The first 5 months of this year are as a week in my mind. We really should make every second count. They just keep getting shorter.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Psalm 50, Day 128

I’m pretty convinced that the devil is able to take anything good and twist it for his own purposes. I can rant and rave forever about greediness, selfishness, and having. I can try to reform myself and never make one more purchase. I can quote the rich young ruler scripture a million times, make it my life’s motto, and sell all that I have. But if I forget to be thankful for what God has given me then the devil has done his job well despite all of my trying to be good.

I read Psalm 50 this morning. God declares to those who have “made a covenant with me by sacrifice,” that He’s not going to rebuke them for their sacrifices (it’s good to give). BUT then God says, “I will not take a bull from your house, nor goats out of your folds. For every beast of the forest is Mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills. I know all the birds of the mountains, and the wild beasts of the field are Mine. If I were hungry, I would not tell you; for the world is Mine, and all its fullness. Offer to God thanksgiving, and pay your vows to the Most High.” The Lord has provided us with all that we have. God doesn’t need our things. Yes they belong to Him but He doesn’t need them. He desires our thanks.

Shortly after these verses God addresses the wicked. "Now consider this, you who forget God, lest I tear you in pieces, and there be none to deliver: Whoever offers praise glorifies Me; and to him who orders his conduct aright I will show the salvation of God." God doesn’t need our things. He desires our thanks BUT we are still supposed to live rightly. It’s not a good thing to forget God.

The way I see it there are three types of people. (You can choose which one you want to be) There are those who get by taking. There are those who get by giving. And there are those who are thankful for what they have. I’ve been the first and the second however I desire to be the last.

Oh, give thanks to the LORD! Call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples!
1 Corinthians 16:8

Monday, May 17, 2010

About My Father’s Business, Day 127

In our meeting yesterday for the upcoming Guatemala trip I ended up spewing this passionate speech about inadvertently stealing from the underprivileged while we hoard and spend and take full advantage of all that the Lord has poured out upon us. Everyone was just staring at me with blank expressions on their faces. After I was done bombarding them a team member quizzically chimed in, “so, you’re saying… that by having nice things and spending our own money… we’re stealing from the poor?” (I used quotations but those weren’t her exact words, just something like it) She seemed almost shocked.

I was thinking about my passionate rant while I was at work today. I’m still attempting to “Dave Ramsey” my way right through this week. I have $10 left in our food envelope until Thursday and there is virtually no food in this house. There isn’t any spending money for anything else. I was debating using some of our food cash to get something from Starbucks. All I had for breakfast was popcorn. I was asking myself if it was really a sin to buy chai. Then I was thinking, would I like to stay in debt just a little bit longer and have tea, or get out of debt a little bit sooner sans the tea? Consecutively I wondered if buying tea would constitute robbing the poor. Then my head started to hurt.

I’m practically a professional at over analyzing a matter. The simple conclusion that’s evolved from the mind numbing over analysis I embarked upon this day is that all things belong to God. We’ve been instructed by Jesus Christ to be His hands and feet here on this earth. If God places ANYTHING into your life, into your hands, or beneath your feet… I guess the simple question is (wow this is lame, but I’m gonna do it) what would Jesus do?

It’s not necessarily bad to buy tea. Tea could be a blessing from God, certainly. BUT if you know, if you feel deep down in your heart that you shouldn’t be spending the money that the Lord has placed into your hands on tea, then it is a sin AND you are stealing from someone or something. If that particular money wasn’t designated by God for tea, then it was designated by God for something else.

I guess even though I’m very much an independent adult I still have a Father to answer to. What I have doesn’t really belong to me. It belongs to Him. I need to be responsible with my Fathers belongings. I need to be about my Father’s business. To only be thinking about me all of the time; to spend all of MY money on what I want; to turn a deaf ear to the One in charge of the budget; well that’s just foolishness.

He who offers a sacrifice of thanksgiving honors Me; And to him who orders his way aright I shall show the salvation of God.
Ps. 50:23

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Stopping to smell the mint, Day 126

When I was a kid there was always mint growing behind our house. My mom told me that it was edible. I used to pick it and take little nibbles. It always smelled so wonderful but it certainly didn’t taste the way that it smelled. Still, I was ever intrigued by anything you could pull from the ground and eat. I always loved the mint behind our house.

Shortly after I moved into my own home a close friend of mine gave me a gift of mint that she’d planted from seeds and grown for me. I planted it behind the house just like my mom had when I was a kid. It’s grown and spread out over the years and I seldom notice it but I am extremely glad that it’s there.

The sun was warm and incredibly bright today. I think it may finally be spring. As I was hanging some laundry to dry I glanced over at the mint sprigs poking through the ivy that share it’s bed. I strolled over and picked a piece and smelled that wonderful aroma. I picked a handful and tied it to string and hung it in my kitchen where hopefully it will dry. Maybe I can make some tea from the backyard mint. How delightful.

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Ps. 37:4

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Gazelle intensity, Day 125

“People should not consider so much what they are to do as what they are… Thus take care that your emphasis is laid on being good and not on the number or kind of things to be done. Emphasize rather the fundamentals on which your work rests.”
- Eckhart

I started this year with the above quote. And today I need to remind myself of it. “The leaf I intend to turn over each and every day this year is one of simplicity. I desire to navigate the course of this year with respect to life and to love. To abandon selfishness, greed, and lust, to seek out truth, and to execute my steps with discipline; these are my aspirations. These aspirations are vague, yes, but also life changing.” This quote is from my January 1st blog. I’ve been reading through my blogs today and I think I’ve stumbled upon the kick in the pants I’ve been looking for. Somewhere in the so called “living” life that I’ve been doing I almost forgot about simplicity and about beauty. I’ve been so focused; focused on doing thing right, accomplishing my goals, and staying on track that I haven’t been stopping to smell any of the flowers alongside the track.

I am amazed at how quickly I lose sight of a thing. One day I’m amazed, overcome, and made new because of a simple revelation, a simple truth. Two days later I’ve forgotten the truth I thought I learned. I need to do less hearing and more learning. I’m kind of like Dory from finding Nemo, in one ear and out the other. That’s not a good thing.

Dave Ramsey talks about Gazelle intensity. The cheetah is the fastest animal on dry ground but a gazelle can run from a cheetah if it tries hard enough. He refers to temptation as, “look out, CHEETAAAHHHH!!!” I’ve been telling myself that a lot lately. I wanted to go out to dinner the other night. It was NOT in the budget. I had almost resolved that I did not care, I was going to anyway. And then I said to myself, “look out CHEETAAAHHHH!!!” and I ran away.

I feel like I am surrounded by cheetahs right now. They are lurking behind every single tree and hiding in the grass. There are financial cheetahs, accomplishment cheetahs, food cheetahs, time cheetahs, and knowledge cheetahs, the list goes on; all these things that I am trying so diligently to work away from, to grow out of, and to break free of. I believe that no matter how difficult the struggle, no matter how many times I have to shout cheetah and run, no matter how tired my feet get, that if I keep running, keep escaping, and continue to come out alive; I believe that I’ll eventually work my way out of the cheetah infested forest and plains I’ve been living in. The thing I need to remember and to write down really large somewhere is that every time I outrun one of those cheetahs I need to take a little rest and stop and smell the flowers. One day life will be much simpler, much lovelier, and I’ll be a WAY stronger gazelle. I can do it.

Deliver yourself like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter, And like a bird from the hand of the fowler.
Proverbs 6:5

Friday, May 14, 2010

Dave Ramsey, Day 124

I ventured through the Dave Ramsey financial peace university almost a year ago now. Jesse and I haven't used credit cards since then. Today however we both stuck to our (very tight hard to comply with) budget AND only spent CASH that was in the envelope.

I've been resisting almost all THING purchases this year. Now I'm stepping it up. We're only going to spend what's been allotted to spend and we're going to get out of debt.

I guess I'm not living life unless I'm hardcore challenging myself. At least that is what this blog is making me to see. The other thing it's making me to see is that I'm really really good at setting myself up for falior. I'll keep working on balance.

Day 123

Last night I was whining to myself while I was trying to fall asleep, "how in the world am I going to get that done in the morning... I'll never have time to do that... and shoot I forgot that that needs to be done."

And then I just said to myself, "tomorrow will take care of itself, now is a time for rest." I let everything go. I breathed in deep. And I slept pretty well last night.

If nothing else I am learning how to calm down and let go of all the "things" that weigh on my mind. It's proving to be a long difficult road but I think it's worth it.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Day 122

This year is more than 1/3 over. I haven't even been looking at Spanish words. I cannot remember the last thing I got rid of in this house. I have not been reading. It's been increasingly more difficult to not buy things. Today while working I saw at least 5 things that I REALLY wanted. I haven't drank coffee since January 31st but honestly I still wish I could have it every single day. I need a boost of motivation and gusto but I'm not quite sure where to find it???

Monday, May 10, 2010

Day 121

Today was uneventful and I don't have anything to say. But it was a good day. I am calm, peaceful, and happy. I'll leave it at that.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Day 120

I'm wondering if accomplishments are a type of possession for me and for others perhaps. I do not need to accomplish everything. I'm going to tell myself that all week. I started telling myself that today. Honestly just letting go of those few things I couldn't get to or didn't accomplish as well as I had wished was such a tremendous relief.

There's always tomorrow. (and when tomorrow doesn't come then I guess it won't matter)