Progress, Day 348

I've been focusing so hard core on not spending money, on budgeting, on trying to pay things off, on planning ahead; I have hardly been able to think about anything else. It's exhausting and at the same time exciting.

I'm beyond words thankful for this blog, for the change it's created in me, and for this next step towards freedom that I'm now able to take due to the growth that has come out of it. I would NEVER have been to stick to a super tight budget if it weren't for the last year. I know... I tried... I failed NUMEROUS times.

"$12 a Day", Day 347

I'm stepping it up. In 2010 I purchased 57 things. Honestly I think that's amazing. I think that although I would have liked to do better that's a ridiculously low amount of stuff. I did struggle tremendously however with spending a lot of money on food and food and food.

This year, 2011 I'm going to commit to tackling our debt problem. I'm going to stick with my new found purchasing (or should I say non-purchasing habit) AND I'm challenging myself to spend $12 a day on food AND household supplies. At present I'm super excited about this challenge. The not buying "things" challenge of 2010 was really difficult for quite awhile but I feel like a whole new person now. The not spending obscene amounts of money on comfort food (food in general) is probably going to be the toughest challenge of my life. 

I hate budgets. I find it impossible to stick to them BUT I need to get out of debt. In 2010 we paid off over $3000 in credit card debt. I'd like to quadruple that number in 2011 and I believe that with discipline I truly can. If I was able to purchase ONLY 57 things in over 365 days I can pay off $10,000 in credit card debt in one year!

I've started a second blog devoted entirely to finances. I won't pretend that it's going to be interesting to anyone BUT I know that it will help keep me accountable, on track, and it's going to be a great tool for recording my successes and failures. I am unbelievably stoked about this!

In case you're interested in random numbers and me whining about wanting Cadbury eggs: $12 a Day

Victory, Day 346

I genuinely do not want to buy stuff. 1 entire year of resistance and self discipline is over and I haven't one single urge to purchase one single thing.

THIS IS SO GREAT!!!

This is my list for 2010 purchases:
Every single thing I bought (groceries aside)
1. Socks for Husband 1.28
2. Work pants and Blue jeans 2.4
3. B-day Balloons (for Annabelle) 2.6
4. stretchy pants 2.27
5. Weatherstripping (for my front window with lead all over it that my cat insists on sitting next to) 3.9
6. "The Rendition" CD at show 3.12
7. socks (finally) 3.31
8. Batman (easter gift for Husband) 4.3
9. Baby shower gifts 4.3
10. Tank Top ($4) 4.19
11. T-shirt 4.19
12. Shorts 4.19
13. thru 19. Husband's Birthday 4.20
20. thru 22. Headbands and hair clips (totally unnecessary) 4.24
23. Nylabones for the doggies
24. Pig pez dispenser for Starr
25 thru 27. Guatemala bag, bookmark and coin purse 6.17
28. Flatfoot 56 t-shirt 7.1
29. Shower Curtain 7.4
30. Shower mat (it was a necessity) 7.4
31. Coloring book for Lucy 7.10
32. A picture frame (for a Christmas gift) 7.16
33. A new work shirt 7.26
34. shower curtain rod holder($1.19) 8.15
35. Greeting cards at Craft show 8.21
36. Canon 450D EOS Rebel xsi 8.20
37. New work pants (again) 8.29
38. Nylons : ( 9.3
39. Blue Jeans 10.19
40. socks (1 really cool wintery pair) 10.21
41. a cami 10.21
42. tiny nail scissors (my nail practically ripped off) 11.04
43. Guat Photographs 11.19
44. stickers 12.8
45. Necklace 12.9
46. Little pewter figurines (etsy) 12.21
47. thru 57. Christmas 12.22

New Year New Blog, Day 344

Blogging virtually every day this year has been incredible. I've learned a lot about myself. I've changed in very positive ways. I've grown.

I appreciate beyond words those few individuals who've faithfully read each posting. Seeing that people do care, that people are interested makes me feel like I'm not living in a box talking to a wall (which sometimes feels like a reality, I believe in everyone's life).

thank-you for reading.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Need, Day 343

I've been thinking lately about Need. (I have a feeling that I posted a very similar blog previously this year but I haven't the energy to search for it at present)

Essentially all we need is food, water, clothing (to protect against the elements), and shelter. But we believe so very differently. A very impoverished person, hungry and homeless on a stormy night would mostly have no other need than that of food and shelter. That individual would most likely not be concentrating on ideas of new shoes or luxurious foods like chocolate and sodas. The person accustomed to hunger and homelessness would be needing simply those things which he or she needs.

An individual who's used to consuming meager meals, but meals enough to satisfy their hunger; who lives in a ratty little building wouldn't be NEEDING food or shelter but that individual may feel they need new shoes, or better food, or more food, or better shelter.

An individual with access to any food they may want, with a luxurious home and everything imaginable (at least imaginable to the above mentioned first and second individuals) may still possibly need something. Maybe this individual is plagued by thoughts during every waking hour of their need for a new couch or a better television. Maybe this individual needs a new outfit in order to maintain sanity.

Is their an unwritten yet predetermined measurement for need existing somewhere? Does the second individual NEED better shelter? Does the third individual NEED a new couch? I don't think so. But if they think so does it become fact? Do each of us need only what we believe is necessity?

I think the world would have us believe so. As long as the truly impoverished people aren't knowingly dieing en mass then it's OK to focus on the hardly impoverished people closer to home. And if the hardly impoverished people closer to home are surviving OK then it's OK to focus on ourselves and our "needs."

But I don't think we have any need whatsoever that trumps the true needs out there. My husband did not need the PS3 Move which he truly believes he'd be unable to live without. The people in this world without food and without clean water they do need those necessities.

I don't want to circle back to shame here. I don't want to belittle the lives of others. I don't want to forget about the blessings that God has showered upon me and you and so forth. But I don't want to be foolish and ignorant and worse yet cold hearted (just pretending its not there because I can't see it).

Sick, Day 342

I've been negligent with blogging over the past few days. I've also been VERY sick and the computer has been utterly repulsive to me.

Jesse, Day 341

I love this man soooo much. He's one of the wonderful things about life, 

one of the many things I am thankful for.

Day 340

Well I'm up to 57 purchases now. Oh well. And Christmas is driving me CRAZY!!! I'm way WAY WAY to much of a procrastinator!

2010 Purchases, Day 339

I'm up to 54 purchases for the year. That's 54 non food things that I've acquired... although the vast majority of those items were gifts for others (22 of them actually). If I can get through Christmas and the next two weeks with making only 2 more purchases that'll put me at an average of 1 thing a week.

Honestly, to me that sounds like a ridiculous amount of stuff. I'd planned to buy as little as possible but one item a week, 56 things this year, well that seems like a lot. The crazy thing is that I've avoided literally a countless number of purchases. My consuming life has dramatically changed since I began this blog. Clearance items used to be unavoidable for me. I'd bring home several different things each week. And trinkets, I don't even want to get started on trinkets. I used to buy little things for people regularly. At first it was virtually impossible to pull myself from sales that now I can walk past without even flinching.

54 items bought, 22 gifted, and not even one pair of new shoes; I'd say that I've been quite successful this year in terms not buying things. Yay! I wish there was a way to calculate all the money I've saved.

Hello Winter, Day 338

Day 337

I'm trying to just relax and breath. Today I was overcome by all of my surroundings. As I drove to work the trees, cows... everything was amazing. I couldn't help thinking as I passed by hundreds and hundreds of naked trees how each one of them had survived so many winters, so many storms, they've each lived this long at least. Every single leafless branch from the largest to the tiniest twig had to have started out at one point as a simple little bud. The world is miraculous.

Every time that I started to feel emotionally overwhelmed today for whatever reason be it deep rooted wounds, foolish procrastination, obligation poking away at me, whatever; I decided to breath deep and let it go. Today life was ready to be lived and I was in no mood to let stupid nonsense stop me.

Well, thats my story.

A Prayer, Day 336

I lay my crowns at Your feet along side my brokenness. I trust that as You see me righteous and pure I too will soon be able to see. I lay aside my fear, anxiety, doubt, false truths and pride. I choose to cease waging war with myself. I've been bloodied and bruised for long enough. As I step forward and breath in deep a breath of appreciation and thanksgiving for the life that's been offered to me I choose the path which is most inviting to my feet. A path strewn with light and beauty. A path that leads to you only. Heavenly Father I look forward to being made new and to laying down my life so that I can know the truth. I realize now that every last bit of me, all of which I place at your feet is tattered and torn and in serious need of mending. I realize now that you've never asked me to let go of me but you've only ever offered to make me complete. Thank you for life.

One of those, ahhhh moments, Day 335

Torches together. Let us burn brighter. Maybe in living, in growing, increasing, in being we might inspire, impact, fuel a fire that lights the world. Thankfulness could be the impact I make. Shining light on the beauty that so often goes unseen could be a very important part of living. After all what is an artist but one who shows and shares and ideally shines an interesting type light in this world. That's like a breath of clean air or a cool refreshing drink. It might just be ok for me to just be me... no what do you want to be's... I'm just gonna be me.

Yay for living!

Purpose part 2, Day 334

This entire first paragraph is a link to a blog I wrote earlier. That blog is basically the beginning to this blog if you feel inclined to read it. So this overwhelming emotional cloud of unknowing, maybe a cloud of doubt has been hovering over me. The question raining down from it's presence is one of destiny/ purpose. What's the point? I'm guessing that the clouds main purpose is to keep me from getting out of the matrix but none the less it's there. I can give the cookie cutter Christian answer to that question and I honestly believe it to be true. The point is to fall more in love with God, draw nearer to Him, hear Him more clearly; the purpose is to live for Him.

Most people's purpose is directed towards something more tangible. People find purpose in their careers, in their families and significant others. Well my job is dumb and I don't have kids and my husband and I have very strong identities of our own and although I am genuinely only half a person without him he's not my purpose in life and I'm not his. I can capture all the neat photographs imaginable. I can clean my house until the cows come home. I can be a hard diligent worker and I could possibly even pay off all my debt and get my life all in order but what's the purpose? 

After spending a year focused on "being" focused on not "having" I'm finding it difficult to even rationalize that one should "have" a purpose (even though the cloud of questioning refuses to budge). Does there always need to be a goal? Should conquest and victory and accomplishment play such huge roles in our lives? Isn't it ok to love life for what it is? Isn't it ok to exist to exist (that sounds dumb, but I mean it); to love, to appreciate, to see beauty and be moved by it, to be? Something within me says "no, it's not ok. You must strive for..." But you know what, I don't want to strive for... anymore. I LOVE the idea of living free from want, free from finish lines and on your mark get set... I love the idea of life being the point. 

And the inward battle continues. I believe that I should be ridiculously thankful for the air I breath, for the health in my body, for the overwhelming shower of blessings that rain down upon my life, for the family and loved ones that surround me... there should be NOTHING to strive for, to NEED... there shouldn't be a purpose. Okay, that sounds like a cop out. What I'm trying to say is that life is wonderful. This world is beyond amazing. There aren't words to describe it's beauty. One could spend every single moment of an entire lifetime simply appreciating this place. The people spanning the globe are incredible awesome little glimpses of our Creator and they're each so unique and wonderful. Why do we need more? That's my question. 

What is this inward itch that's pushing me to conquer; something, anything, it doesn't even matter what it is, my mind just tells me that I need to make an impact? But I want to be impacted. 

Here's the thing: I've identified that I believe inwardly and emphatically that I am a failure. I can work it over and over again in my head but my heart knows this (false) truth. When I type the above announcement, "I am a failure," when I say it my heart cries out a shout of relief. In the same moment is beats a schizophrenic rhythm of comfort from having been given the opportunity to release what's been held within for so very long and sadness from knowing the truth, the absoluteness, the certainty of failure. 

I'm guessing that my NEED to accomplish, to go out there and slay a dragon, my NEED to HAVE a purpose is in direct correlation to my belief that I am a failure. If I can overcome the (false) truth; if I can accomplish and conquer and be victorious THEN the I'm free. But that's stupid. I'm already free. I already know (in my head) that I'm not a failure. This thing called life is so messy and this is getting really long again.

The point is to follow Christ. I can think of no alternate purpose and thus I shall pray for sunshine and watch as the cloud of unknowing dissolves. Live. Love. Experience beauty. The truth: life is too precious to waste on false truths, insecurity, and chasing after the wind.  

Choose Life, 333

For what great nation is there that has God so near to it, as the LORD our God is to us, for whatever reason we may call upon Him? Only take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. And teach them to your children and your grandchildren. I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; Set your hearts on all the words which I testify among you today, which you shall command your children to be careful to observe—all the words of this law. For it is not a futile thing for you, because it is your life, and by this word you shall prolong your days in the land which you cross over the Jordan to possess. Duet 4:7,9 30:19 32:46-47

God didn't want His children to stray from Him, from His Word (which is Life), from His path. Most of the Old Testament consists of God instructing His people how to LIVE and beseeching them to not stray from the path. Interestingly enough many and most of us are or have been perplexed by God's instructing the Israelites to annihilate every living creature they came upon in the land He was bringing them into. Today I see it a bit differently. God was instructing His children to destroy the lies, to destroy the falsity, to annihilate a plague that would destroy them (and that did destroy them) if they let it exist. 

We can listen to people, observe with our own eyes the supposed truth, and believe the false reality that's been woven into ourselves or we can listen to God and see the truth through spiritual eyes, through eyes of faith. All of the sudden I feel like the majority of the old testament was saying exactly what I've been seeing as of late. The impact this world has upon us is so harsh that God called it death. He instructed His children to eliminate the picture of false truth that was nothing but a curse to them. He was constantly beseeching them to not let society rule their lives. He taught them of life; He set the truth before them and asked that they gird themselves in it and pass it on to other generations the same way the Mayans have passed on their tribal clothing for centuries. God was begging them to not give in to the man made reality that we so often dwell in and He so very clearly explained that doing so would be the end of them (and it was). 

This still reigns just as true today. Although Christ has covered our mistakes and redeemed us from our foolishness we're asked to follow the straight and narrow, to carry our cross, to choose life and truth and follow Christ. I think following Christ is exactly the same thing as when God said to the Israelites, "Set your hearts on all the words which I testify among you today, which you shall command your children to be careful to observe," and so on and so forth. We aren't to follow this society which surrounds us. We're to "hate/ love less" those things (and people) which we cling to as truth. The only truth is in God, in His word. Get out of the matrix. Cling to what is true; Discover what is true. 

Or you can exist within the matrix if you want to. That's your choice. Even God said so very clearly that He's given us that choice. Do what you will. I'm clinging to what "I know," to what's comfortable (in my mind), to what experience has taught me BUT I am realizing that truth is separate from what I know. Life is far beyond what I've been living. 

Oh, my goodness, I'm a rambling fool this morning. 

purpose? Day 332

If you've read any of these most recent blogs you've quickly realized that I've been on this strong inward self examination kick as of late. So much of what we know, including ourselves is so masked. It's sort of like living in the matrix. You can just accept everything you know as real and true and live your fake life (spoon fed to you through programing) in a daze void of truth and any hint of reality or you can get messy, get out of the matrix, discover truth and fight till your dying day to stand up for what is right. Maybe what you know is right is never again purchasing child labor, slave labor manufactured clothing. Maybe what you know to be true is the real individual inside of you that no ones ever seen, the one who's strong and passionate about things but who's been trapped for decades by the fearful, jaded, guarded you. Maybe what you know to be right is that life isn't about success, progress (materially speaking) but it is in fact about life, living, breathing, heart beating creatures. It's really up to you.

So this overwhelming emotional cloud of unknowing, maybe a cloud of doubt has been hovering over me. The question raining down from it's presence is one of destiny/ purpose. What's the point? I'm guessing that the clouds main purpose is to keep me from getting out of the matrix but none the less it's there. I can give the cookie cutter Christian answer to that question and I honestly believe it to be true. The point is to fall more in love with God, draw nearer to Him, hear Him more clearly; the purpose is to live for Him.

Most people's purpose is directed towards something more tangible. In our youth it seems as though we're existing for the sole purpose of becoming ourselves but I've witnessed thus far that the reigning definition of  "becoming ourselves" is actually becoming as much like all the other selves as we possibly can without ripping our own faces off (and people are doing that nowadays). Once we've officially blended into society (as much as we're capable of) and honestly look at the youth who are trying so adamantly to escape societies clutches, you can't tell one from another. None of them look like individuals but rather they ALL resemble a new society. Sorry I had to add that.

So, again, once we've officially blended into society the point of it all becomes one simple (and seemingly impossible task): find someone. Once the someone has been found the purpose becomes possibly more complicated then it's ever been. The purpose could now be keeping that someone. It could be transforming that someone. It could be further still transforming oneself to become more appealing to that someone. And possibly, just maybe it could actually be really truly and honestly loving that someone. Or all of the above and more.

And then as all living creators are known to do the two someones having finally become something together bring life into the world. This is the point at which all of my peers stand. Everyone I know has so much purpose attached to their lives at present through the loving and raising of their children. I could think of nothing more wonderful right now then to be in a similar situation (of which I'm not... interjected just in case someone I don't know EVER reads this rambling). The raising of children gives purpose to people for decades and for some individuals it lasts the rest of their lives. I think the mid life crisis is the point in which ones children are suddenly no longer ones purpose and life loses meaning and becomes void and unbearable and confusing.

I should just stop now. This is long and I never intended to write any of it and my entire point of this blog might be lost if I make it any longer than it now is.

Frozen Saturday Beauty, Day 331

Very few people go to the beach in the middle of winter

yet it seems to me that beauty resides in those places where very few people go

While I was Driving, Day 330

There was a huge squirrel munching on something in a field. It's so very cold outside and yet the little critter looked so powerful and content. It made me smile.

I noticed an incredibly thick power line spanning between two poles. As I got closer the odd thickness was revealed to be hundreds of small birds, each directly next to the other, wings touching, feet gripping the wire, apparently huddled close together for warmth. That's a sight I've never seen before (not birds on a wire, but birds seemingly becoming a wire).

While I'm on the subject of birds I feel I must mention the monstrous black birds at the landfill. They're enormous and I'm certain they run a brutally strict gang. I've never seen a small bird anywhere near the landfill. Every single week when I drive by there are a few giant black birds perched upon the huge electrical towers constructed at the landfills edge like vultures. I'm certain those fellows are on the look out for trespassers. The off duty beasts are free to roam the air and the ruble. They're huge, impressive birds whom I'm certain have an exhilarating story which none of us knows. (I have to wonder at the length of their life spans)

Yesterday as I was advancing North I suddenly entered a winter wonderland. Every bit of every article everywhere the eye could see was coated with brilliant thick snow. It was as if I'd driven into a Christmas card or a snow globe (but it wasn't snowing). One moment the world was cold and white and in the blink of an eye the world was magnificent and magical. I was blessed by the scene for the remainder of my journey. Every tree branch, tree trunk and twig was coated. Every remaining weed, cattail and fence post wore the same outfit. The sky was blue but a white bubble sat just beneath it. Snow is so amazing; simply frozen water, each tiny flake unique in all the world; it has the miraculous power to turn the whole world a new, transform every sight, grant purity and holiness when it's united.

Be Amazed.

Day 329

Not to move forward, to stay where we are, to regress, in other words to rely on what we have, is very tempting, for what we have, we know; we can hold onto it, feel secure in it. We fear, and consequently avoid, taking a step into the unknown, the uncertain; for, indeed, while the step may not appear risky to us after we have taken it, before we take that step the new aspects beyond it appear very risky, and hence frightening. Only the old, the tried, is safe; or so it seems. Every new step contains the danger of failure, and that is one of the reasons people are so afraid of freedom.

-Erich Fromm

Of Life and Death, Day 328

We believe ourselves so superior and then we die. I know a man who's brain is dying. He's a successful wealthy retired businessman. His family became aware of the sickness when he began to acquire an odd cheery disposition. Each day it's as if he's delving deeper into drunkenness. At first the only sign was the euphoria. Then it became slightly difficult for him to walk and he'd fall sometimes. He gradually got weaker and started to slur his speech. In just a few short months the sickness has progressed so rapidly and it came out of nowhere.

Life is so short. The few waking moments we've been granted upon this beautiful planet are but a breath. Yet we twiddle them away in frustration, anger, and trivial worries about essentially meaningless things. Have you full capacity of your limbs?... Praise the Lord and use them. Are you able to skim through literature and comprehend what's written?... Seek out knowledge and truth and never stop seeking. Have you loved ones anywhere near you?... Appreciate them, enjoy them, pardon them their trespasses and seize the day! Today I can't help but set aside all that ales me. I am healthy. I am alive. All is well and I praise God for that!

Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith? Luke 12:27-28