Day 350, Three Years Later

My little sister has just blessed my socks off. That's a strange expression I've heard at church one too many times considering that I've just repeated it no matter how silly it sounds even to me. She's just returned home from a mission trip to Guatemala. Normally we send out support letters and the trips are paid for in full by supporters. I've gone on four trips with groups from my church that completely changed my life. I can honestly say that I wouldn't have been able to go on any of them if I had to pay for the trips on my own. For this trip my sister received very little financial support and paid most of the costs herself. I commend her for this because she does not have a lot of money and she willingly used much of her savings to go and work her butt off in the mountains of Guatemala for a week. She also chose to go with a group of total strangers from a church on the other side of the state as there were no teams from around here going right now. She believed that this was God's timing and that she was supposed to go now. Her trip was great and she is grateful that she followed her heart/ the Lord's leading. I cannot commend her enough for doing so.

Today I return to "Doors of Change: to have or to be" three years later to blog about not something I am but about something I have. I spent an entire year of my life writing and thinking about "being" as opposed to having. But today I have something that I am trying to not let go of, something that I'm hoping will cause me to be. (that paragraph was a fun read, eh?)

Starr has revived something in me like those shocky paddle things for a heart attack victim that I was slowly losing sight of. Thank-you little sister for following the Lord's leading. I don't think dreams often just die with a bang. I think they usually fade out of sight and then get lost forever. Sadly mine have been fading and then I search them out again, fading and then, "oh, there you are little bugger," fading and then... I'm not letting them go gosh darn it! If you've read from me for very long then you know I long to be a good mom, to adopt someday, to serve the Lord/ follow His plans for my life, and my heart resides in Guatemala.

I've wanted to adopt/ take care of children who've been orphaned for as far back as I can remember. The first year that I went to Guatemala I was changed. I became an entirely new person with new eyes and a new heart. The second year fell deeply in love with the country and with the people there. The third time I went I longed with every fiber of my being to adopt an orphaned child from that country. Eight years ago (wow, that was a long time) I sat in a church service never even thinking once about going on a mission trip. My one heart's desire was to be a mom. I wanted a child to care for. A video played at the front of the sanctuary. It spoke of orphans and widows, building homes, and feeding hungry children. At the end of the video I heard as clear as day spoken to my heart, "Go. Be a mom." I stood up, walked to the foyer, and wrote my name on the list for the mission trip. There was NO doubt in my mind that God wanted me to go to Guatemala and love the children there. He told me to go. We were supposed to go to an orphanage, according to the video but we never did. In fact we spent a ton of time playing with the children at the feeding programs and at the build sights, falling in love with them, and trying to share God's love with them but I always wondered a tiny bit about the word I heard, "be a mom."

I don't know if adoptions from Guatemala are still closed. Last time I was there they had recently been closed. I do however today, stronger than ever believe that it is God's plan for my and my husband's lives to adopt a child and I would be without faith if I left out "from Guatemala." I have a vision. I don't know when it will come to fruition. I did almost let it go. Right now my husband isn't super keen on adopting. Right now he has ZERO desire to ever visit Guatemala. Right now we don't have the financial means to accomplish anything out of the ordinary. But I have a vision. I do believe that one day my husband, myself, and my son will be together in Guatemala and we will bring back an orphan. I must believe this vision was given to me with purpose, that it is in the Lord's timeline to see this come to pass someday. I must stand on that. I had started to waver. I had started to think I would never return to that country (you do not know the ache in my heart that comes from this thought). I had started to consider maybe adopting from wherever. But I believe my child will be born in Guatemala.

I've seen lately, so many people abandon their dreams, let go, and chose alternate paths that just seem easier. I can't make anything happen right now but I'm not letting go. I need to take steps in the right direction (PRAY much MUCH more) and hold on to my vision. It's mine. I have it. I'm not letting go.