Abba, Day 238

I remember when I was a kid I used to read about the Israelites complaining their way through the desert. I would get so mad at them for not realizing that God would take care of them and that He had a perfect plan for them. At a young age I couldn't even comprehend why they'd complain when they had such a good God, such a big God watching after them. The time they made the calf was the worst. God was right there with them, feeding them, leading them in a pillar of fire and a pillar of cloud, and resting on top of that mountain. Moses disappeared for a few days and they rallied against every bit of truth and hope they had to hold onto. It infuriated me. I generally sided with God and figured He should just kill them all.

Fifteen maybe twenty years later I catch myself losing site of the pillar of fire or the pillar of cloud often. I turn and look the other way. Instantly I'm bombarded with all these distractions and lies and I forget about the awesome God who's leading me to safety and the promised land. I feel like the Israelites in the desert all the time. I feel like I have to take care of myself despite my inability to. I feel like I'm not going to make it out of this desert alive. I feel like I need to find something to grab hold of that will rescue me from the hardship (and honestly my life isn't difficult I'm just really emotional and emotionally weak).

I believe that there's an awful lie (rooted in pride) that we as adults prescribe to. We think due to age and maturity we've the responsibility to make all things good, right, correct, perfect, orderly. When I had no doubt that my mom would always be there for me if I was in need I thought the Israelites were dumb because they couldn't trust their heavenly Father. Now that I'm the responsible one and really sucky at taking care of myself, I guess inwardly I expect that God won't be much good at taking care of me either.

First of all I'm realizing that I shouldn't have been so hard on the Israelites. People are never perfect. In reality life is much more difficult than the 10 year old me thought it to be. But at the same time I don't think it should be. I think the 10 year old me was right. God will always be there. He is leading the way, I just need to follow. His way is perfect. Mine... kinda like melting all the gold into a calf to worship, not so perfect. As I sigh I tell myself I'm not so adulty as I think, I do need my Father.

"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you." Deut 31:6