Just be you, Day 280

But now, O LORD, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand. Is. 64:8

Still feeling super Pollyannay. I'm really hard on myself. We're really hard on ourselves. People accuse Christians of being so narrow minded and condemning but did anyone ever stop to think that they're just treating others the way they treat themselves.

Speaking to myself today I feel compelled to shout, "calm down, let it go, don't be so hard on yourself and just enjoy something!" Won't my monster be happy? Today it doesn't matter if you suck at life. Today it doesn't matter if you've let all the balls drop. Today it doesn't matter if you're the worst friend, the worst child, the worst spouse, the worst parent, the worst human being alive... here's your get out of jail free card. Today you can just be you... a child of the King of kings, a child of the most high God, royalty, one of a kind perfection, oh and with Daddy at your side VICTORIOUS!

Today just be you.

I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that you should not be their slaves; I have broken the bands of your yoke and made you walk upright. Lev. 26:13

Waves, Day 279

I'm possibly one of the strangest photographers. I actually have a bit of a problem taking photos because I'm reluctant to "capture" a moment being more compelled to experience it instead. Now there could be a considerably large debate upon this subject about capturing AND experiencing and what not. But the truth is and you must agree with me, that generally when people have a camera in hand they're thinking about getting that good photo, about the shots and the frames and when and where to shoot next. Just think about tourists snapping away at amazing sights. They're so enthralled with capturing the moment, in my opinion, they're at the very same time missing out on being in the moment. Life through a lens is much less spectacular than life with out the limitations.

Now, with that being said there was a huge wind storm recently. A lot of people rushed down to the lake to see the waves and take photos of the scene. I don't like following the crowd but I decided with one goal in mind that I wasn't going to miss the perfect opportunity to practically get blown off the face of the earth while trying to capture a wind blown photograph. We had to park pretty far away from the water considering the huge crowd that had emerged. Unfortunately the sand was unbelievably assaulting but I pushed on. After it had pierced practically every fiber of my being I found the more professional photographers with better cameras standing right where I had been determined to shoot. I wasn't about to go stand in front of them but I was so bummed. I almost gave up, resigned, headed home with an ear full of sand and a covering of depression but I decided instead that even though there was no way I was going to get my shot I would shoot away anyhow.

My ear still hurts (4 days later) but I'm glad I followed through with one of my desires this time.

Blessing, Day 278

What if my heavenly Father loves me so much that His only plan for me today is to bless me?

Maybe He isn't desiring for me to be the best me I can be, to excel at the Christian game, to read enough scripture and say enough prayers, and sin as little as possible. Maybe He isn't looking down to see whether or not my heart is in the right place: loving on people, focusing on heavenly things, turned aside from fleshly desires. Maybe He just loves me and thats that.

If you go back to the very beginning before all the messy stuff God created man; He placed man in a garden of pleasure filled with everything his heart could ever desire (He even created a friend and partner, another (wo)man to come along side him); He walked with man in the cool of the day.

The Bible says a lot of stuff about not sinning, about following all the commands, about focusing on God and godly things, about this and that and all the other stuff... it says a lot. But what if God's love for us goes so much farther beyond all that we're able to comprehend that really, ultimately He just wants to bless us AND all that other stuff is sort of just His way of telling us how to get closer to the blessing (we're REALLY good at walking away from it)?

Just a quick twist at the end: the more blessing we receive, the more we notice the blessing, the more thankful and ultimately in love with God we become, the more we're interested in blessing Him too... and all that other stuff suddenly seems less condemning and much more appealing.

I'm amazed (pretty often) at how many times I write a blog and once I arrive at the end I think to myself, "wow, I just need to open my eyes... it's all right there in front of me."

This commandment which I command you today is not too mysterious for you, nor is it far off. But the Word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it.  I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life... Duet 30:11,14,19

Good Day 277

Well I might have just climbed out of the ditch again. I had a really good run there for bit. I was so productive and so happy and then, once again as what's apparently becoming completely usual I crashed. I've been so unmotivated, to the point of not really even thinking about anything but sort of just passing through life. I really can't remember anything about the past few days oh, except being a complete and total falior. I've been OUT OF IT and sick too (thats definitely part of the problem... ooh maybe I could blame it on the storm also). I've been avoiding blogging, which at present I'm very angry with myself for doing, because I haven't wanted to think and I've had nothing to say. I could have posted several really super lame blogs saying, "I've got nothing," or maybe "I SUCK." but man that would have been pointless and awful. So I just haven't.

Today, though, I think I'm back. The day is very rapidly flying by (I generally accomplish every thing worthwhile on Saturdays and Sundays before noon) but I'm still feeling good about life. I'm feeling like everyone struggles and (sometimes I think I'm the only crazy person living on this planet, but) there's not really anything wrong with me. I'm just human and honestly I'm ok with that. I'm feeling very Pollyannaish today. I'm thankful for my health (even though I have a cold, but a cold is nothing next to a terminal illness). I'm thankful for full use of all my limbs (even if they are soar from too much exercise). I'm beyond words thankful for my family of Jesse, Deedee, Bozzy, and Maggie (even if I'm 30 with no human children). Today I'm thankful and that's putting a cheery glow on everything sitting before me. I think I'm out of the ditch. Now, I'm gonna see about staying out at least for longer than a week, OKAY!

Day 276

I haven't posted anything in awhile because I haven't really... I've not been... well life has sort of just been blah. I haven't been "being." I've just... blah.

MY path, Day 275

I keep thinking about impatience. We do not live in a being oriented society. Thems the facts. We’re very having oriented. When it comes to impatience the fact of the matter is that we all have goals. We all have convictions. We don’t live life for the experience, for the process; we don’t go throughout out our days embracing each new opportunity while eagerly embarking upon the path that naturally unfolds before us. We chose our paths. We make our own opportunities. In this society paths and opportunities don’t just exists for us to benefit from, we claim them, we have them, they are objects for our advancement. We need to operate and perform in very specific ways to meet our goals and obtain our trophies.

As small children we’re instructed upon the correct ways. We’re taught how to be in order to have. If you’re disciplined you’ll become successful. If you’re polite you’ll conquer life. If you’re structured you’ll prosper in all the important things. Everyone has convictions. They’re ingrained in us. Some people are super convicted to get a great education and become someone. People who are abused are usually convicted to hurt others. Subconsciously people believe that hurting others prevents others from hurting you. Murders are convicted to murder and philanthropists and convicted to philander. The point I’m trying to make is that we all do what we do for a reason. Whether it be a truly well thought out plan we’re unfolding or deep lying convictions that we in no way shape or form understand but that exist just as much as we exist ourselves, we are driven.

The last time someone flew by me on the highway instead of grimacing and thinking to myself, “what a moron,” I told myself that that individual has a goal and speeding is helping him or her to meet that goal. I’m not trying to justify my impatience (I’m horrible) but I am trying to stop getting so frustrated with others. The above two paragraphs is the reasoning I devised for others to be allowed impatience and rudeness and stupidity. EVERYONE is doing what they feel needs to be done in order to get to where they’re going. Even people who use drugs are trying to get somewhere. They’re trying to get away from themselves, away from their pain, away from their failures, ect;.

I was thinking along these lines for a long time just pondering and pondering and thinking about all the reasons idiots do what they do and be it as stupid and convoluted as they may be there are reasons for why we do what we do. Once you are able to realize and understand that that moron is operating for what he feels to be a very good reason (generally subconsciously) it’s a little bit easier to let go of your own anger and frustration.

 

I started thinking about Jesus. God used to get REALLY mad at the Israelites in the Old Testament. And they had to do a lot of crap to try and make up for their stupidity. But then God sent His Son to earth to walk in our footsteps. Jesus came here and God was able to be one of us. The guy who looked down upon us and couldn’t understand why we were such imbeciles became one of us and was fully able to understand why. I think Jesus took our sins upon himself because He was perfect and because He was God’s Son and because God asked him to and because He loved us but also because He understood why we sinned. I think it’s a lot easier to pass judgment upon someone when you’re unable to fit into their shoes. It’s a lot harder to judge a person whose shoes fits. We are all driven. We all do what we do for a reason. Not noticing, acknowledging, or caring about the other people crowding your path is actually a pretty normal occurrence in these fast paced futile lives we’re living. Noticing those other people means realizing they have a path as well and most likely you’re standing in it.

Rambling sort of, Day 274

I gazed upon a rainbow today for at least 30 minutes. I wished, the entire time so very VERY adamantly that I would have had my camera with me so that I could have captured that rainbow. I was driving to Ludington and the trees were gorgeously colored, the sky was full of awesome clouds and this magnificent rainbow went from being the widest base of a rainbow I've ever seen to a full incredibly prominent glorious arch that took my breath away. It filled the sky and bowed over the fall forests. It was awesome. I wanted to pull over and just stare at it until it dissolved. That was thee moment of enjoying life today but I resent the overwhelming feelings of needing to capture it that I had the entire time I looked upon it's beauty, and even now.

This morning was really beautiful too though, all morning from bright moonlit starry sky to sunrising amongst the deep blue rimmed clouds. There are a few spots along the highway on my way to work that I wish were mine. I drive past them and lament my journey to work. I wish I were living in that exact spot, that I were able to wake up, step outside of my home and be there. It's a VERY having oriented desire. I want those beautiful places to belong to me so that I can enjoy them everyday. The silly thing is that I don't take full advantage of where I already am and if I existed in one of those grand locations I probably wouldn't step out doors and exist within the beauty very much more often then I do now. (that's not very well explained... sorry)

Here's the thing. I've woken up way before the sun (since the days are getting much shorter) for awhile now. Each morning I accompany my dogs outside and I marvel at the sky overhead. A strong desire to pull out my camping chair and just sit gazing overcomes me every morning. BUT I just look up and long for more. Then I step back inside with my little ones and go on with MY life. Why can't my life involve doing something I'm really truly passionate about, like gazing upon the incredible starry sky that's been greeting me each morning as of late? We're WAY too rushed. I find it's incredibly difficult to BE when we're always thinking about going.

Day 273

Sorry these posts have been limited and pointless as of late. October is looking to be an unusually busy month and I'm tired. BUT I've already seen two falling stars this month. The one I saw this morning was amazing. It was super bright and it seemed to last forever. I thought I might possibly witness one of those movie moments when the blazing fire ball comes crashing down to earth from the sky until it fizzled away. It was GREAT, so beautiful!

Day 272

This was a good day. I read. I relaxed. I took MORE photos. I exercised. I didn't eat much (good and bad). Oh, I saw a shooting star this morning. This was a good day.

Day 271

I'm in a really good mood because I started and FINISHED a stuffed scrappy monster for a birthday party I went to today, I got to spend time with my brother's family, AND I took a bunch of photos of them which mostly turned out really well.

I'm not in such a good mood because Jesse has been unbelievably angry for two days and I honestly haven't a clue why. He says nothings wrong and that he doesn't want to talk about the nothing that isn't wrong. I cannot get over how easily an entire day can be ruined because of someone else's attitude. I'm trying so hard to be positive and not get brought down but the air in here is thicker than pudding and I just want him to be happy BUT there's nothing I can do about it. grrr.

Christmastime, Day 270

So I guess Christmas is coming. At least according to Meijer it's close at hand. They've their entire trim a tree department set at most stores with the exception of the seasonal pad which will probably be set before Halloween comes to a close at at least a few locations. That's the really REALLY great thing about Christmas though. It isn't a day. It is truly an entire season and although October may be a bit too early for that season to begin I love that we don't celebrate Christmas the way we live our lives always eagerly looking forward until the day just suddenly flies by. For weeks we attend parties and get togethers, we send and receive cards and gifts, we dine on all of the holiday treats; for weeks we listen to the sounds of Christmas, take in the smells, the sights, and the splendor which the season has to offer.

Granted there are the down sides. The general population seems to get grouchier, more violent, impatient and rude as the day of culmination draws near. Money flies from wallets like bats from an invaded cave. Greed and obligation tend to poison the snowy atmosphere. Many of you are already feeling the tension of the season just from reading this and you're thinking it can surly wait for two more months at least before pouncing upon us. But I say bring it on! I love a holiday that isn't just a day, a holiday that involves daily enjoyment, excitement, and festivities for weeks on end. I'm going to (again this year) attempt to make the most of; bake all the cookies my oven can put out; listen to every Christmas song I can find; watch movie after movie after splendid Christmas movie; leave the grumbling out in the snow; and soak in the holidays... AFTER thanksgiving.

A Vain Attempt at Pickwickian Composure, Day 269

Today was full of delightful delicacies. I did suffer a headache for much of it's entirety and I indulged my monster on far too many occasions but I experienced enjoyment apart from having on a much grander scale that those negative occurrences are able to collectively collaborate.

I began the day out of doors in my own quaint yard witnessing my beloved furry children exerting all the vibrancy and life that an early morning unfolding evokes. Breathing the crisp dark autumn air and blanketed by the black heavens strewn with tiny radiant specks of light I stood encompassed by feelings of pride which one might embrace on such early mornings having bested the mighty sun's arrival and utter satisfaction associated with living such a grandiose life. After my little ones had exerted themselves and all of the morning's crucial labors had been executed but before I began the necessary toils for which I receive monetary reimbursement I proceeded fervently into the new day unfolding before me. The firmament overhead was ever so gradually lightening from black to varying shades of blue. The forests were still merely a silhouette. A spectacular array of low lying isolated waves of fog, each stream owning an individual identity altogether unlike fog normally exists but much rather like solid (in appearance) fluffy bunches of clouds which more regularly inhabit the sky blanketed the dark trees almost as if all of nature itself had been decorated 17 days early for a Halloween celebration. The scene was eery and exhilarating. I only wish I could more adequatley describe the beautiful vision which caused my skin to crawl and yet delighted my every fiber so.

Once the sun had claimed it's place within in the sky my eyes were able to envelop the miraculous sights of the fall season unfolding upon this very speck of the planet. Throughout the day I witnessed unending multi colored forests inhabiting perpetual hills. Leafy trees adorning the earth and decorating the forests were costumed in honey colored, blush, red, coral, and orange apparel more vibrant and spectacular than anything ever fashioned during all of the history of man. Unchanging blue pine stood steadfast amongst the ephemerally decorated trees while recently naked-ed branches boisterously proclaimed their new found freedom, resembling celebrators at Mardi Gras or Vegas just before a long slumber. Ordinary fields expanding in every direction were no less boastful than the festive forests. Vibrant yellow vegetation danced across still green fields speckled with crisp chocolate ferns. Burgundy saplings and unnatural looking florescent lemon colored bushes mingled amongst the merriment. Truly today the hills, the valleys, the forests and the sky above were alive with song and melodious rejoicing.

Day 268

It seems as though I have nothing to say today.

Brain Rewiring, Day 267

While embarking upon this new approach for dealing with my monster I'm realizing all the more the difference between the "having" and "being" forms of existence. Every time, or at least most of the times, that my monster roars for something contrary to what I really want I've been stopping to reconsider the root of the roar.

People tend to play mind games with each other. When you ask someone if you look fat they know they're supposed to and you hope they'll say "no." People manipulate and skirt around trying to get things they want from others so they don't have to expose themselves. Kids in school are horribly mean to people they have crushes on to try and hide the crush. Admit it, you're aware we play mind games. I'm not much of a fan of them though. I've been accused for most of my life of being brutally honest no matter the subject. Most people admit that they appreciate my absolute honesty even if they've been hurt more than once by my words. I cannot stand saying something I don't mean and I won't. And yet ever since I told that little voice of reason in my head to shut up it's been trying to manipulate me. I've been playing mind games with myself. So, if my monster wants to make me happy it screams "PEANUT BUTTER CUPS!!!" It doesn't say, "cheer up charlie." It tries to convince me I need to eat bad stuff. If the little creature wants me to relax it tells me to stop doing everything that matters to me, to just quite, give up and forget about it. It doesn't reason with me saying "it's ok to slow down, take it easy and baby step your way to the finish line, you need to enjoy life." It tries to cut the difficult out entirely. So I've been listening to the roars and then stopping to consider where they're coming from. Then I can push aside the unreasonable demand and (ideally) find a suitable solution for what ever was causing the monster to grumble.

Honestly, it's been working. I've given in to the roars several times but overall I've listened to the roar, thought about the problem and addressed it. It's much easier to solve an "I need to find a moment of joy" issue then an "I need to eat a ton of sugar RIGHT NOW" problem, because I don't want to eat sugar and there are billions of things that will bring me joy.

Back to my original thought though. Practically all of the roaring requires some form of having. I cannot believe how incredibly driven I am to "have." When I'm gloomy I need to have food or drink to cheer me up (at least that's what my body tells me). Before I started this blog I regularly needed to acquire something, be it a new spatula, new pants, new pillow cases, a new notebook, I needed someTHING new in order to fulfill an emotional void. I'm quite easily satisfied with a beautiful scene; the stars this morning were amazingly comforting. But when I'm not looking for beauty I don't tend to notice it. My monster never yells open your eyes and experience life! I'm pretty sure I'm rarely if ever driven to "be."

I cannot believe how very very extremely "having" oriented I am. I knew it was huge. That's why I began this blog in the first place. I'm mesmerized, fascinated by the idea of living life eyes wide open; experiencing each and every moment for what it is without needing to bring stuff into the picture; growing, increasing, and continually moving forward due to living and not because of an increase of stuff. But wow this monster journey has really opened my eyes to how very needy I am. I don't need sugar or caffeine or junk food... I finally believe that. I don't need stuff... I've finally worked my way out of that habit. I don't need to have in order to be. But boy oh boy does my little monster want to have. Now I get to teach it that happiness, joy, fulfillment, and comfort can be experienced apart from having. Now I get to rewire my brain.

I'm pretty sure I could continue this blog for 5 more years (at least).

Then the young man said, "what do I still lack (what do I need)." And Jesus said "You still lack one thing. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor (you need NOTHING)." Luke 18:22 (paraphrased)

Day 266

High note: I haven't purchased anyTHING is well over a month. (been eating out alot though. maybe I should add that to the list)

Lowish note: I've decided to stop stopping coffee. I feel that I was unnecessarily torturing myself and fueling the monsters rage with that one. I think I've learned possibly everything I could from the experiment in the 8 months I went without. (no caffeine though! we don't get along)

Other high note: I took photos of my brother's family for the first time ever yesterday and that was a lot of fun!

Being Me, Day 265

For the past 5 days (days 259-263) I've been blogging about a psychological monster I'm dealing with. I'd like to clarify that I'm not accusing my monster of being a separate entity from myself. I don't believe there's some hideous creature living within my heart or head, or anywhere else. The monster is my flesh just as Christians call it. It is quite possibly a chemical imbalance AND repressed issues as the psychologists would have one believe. And an adequately waged war against the negative impulses that those chemicals/ my flesh are conjuring up will indeed make me stronger, just as any good mom would tell you.

Here's the thing I'm getting at though: I identify myself with the good things; things which are productive, healthy, wise, Christ like, good things. So when I say that I want to be healthy and my monster wants sugar, I want to be productive and my monster is roaring for lethargy what I'm saying is that I believe who I am is an individual who wants to be healthy and productive. I associate my identity with those ideals (among many others). The other part of me, the part that craves destruction (as it seems) I've put off. I no longer consider that part me. It is indeed alive and well but I no longer identify myself with that part. The Bible says that you are a new creation in Christ Jesus. It talks about putting off the old man and clinging to what is new, what is holy, what is good. I guess I hadn't realized it but that's exactly what I've been doing for years. A long time ago I declared I am someone who wants to be healthy, I am a runner, I am an artist, I am someone who cares for people, who cares for this beautiful earth we live on (among many other things). I often times have impulses that go against all those things, everything that I've declared "this is me." But I know who I am in Christ. I know that God created me to be a very unique, specific person and with the covering of Christ's blood He sees me as perfect. So those sugar cravings aren't me. The lazy ogre isn't me. The grouchy person who wants to push people in the grocery store sometimes isn't me... it's the old man, the one that my Heavenly Father looks past to see me because of the blood of Christ.

If you believe in the redemptive power of Christ then you'll realize that I am not a raving lunatic but that this is indeed all true. The problem I'm having is that although I've put off the old man and don't associate myself with him any longer, and although the blood of Christ has covered those negative impulses (sin) so that my Heavenly Father can look upon me, adore me, love me, find relationship with me, that old man is still here (because I live on this earth in a body of flesh). So for years, decades almost I've been fighting with that other part of me, the monster. Only as much I like to consider myself "saved," redeemed, made new and whole and clean, the monster has been winning the war.

This little monster discovery journey I've been embarking upon is just my way of putting all the puzzle pieces together so that I can better understand the fight. It's my way of learning how to stop beating myself up and start living with myself. It's my way of growing, my search for freedom, and my way of drawing nearer to Christ. This year I've been trying to see things in a new light, a brighter light, a light that extends beyond tradition and rhetoric... one that I've discovered on my own. For years I've been battling my flesh, ok maybe all my life I've been battling it. But the Bible very clearly says that we do not battle against flesh and blood. I couldn't ever understand how I was supposed to fight fleshly impulses and not battle against my flesh. I thought maybe that verse just wasn't referring to the kind of fleshy wars we have with the sinful man (inside ourselves). But during this monster journey I've breathed a breath of fresh air in finding that I might not have to fight with this little monster after all. In fact I've been finding that the creature listens quite well as long as I'm willing to lend an ear to the conversation.

Don't get me wrong this listening to the monster method is tedious but for three days in a row I've been operating in a joy I've not known for a long time. I've picked hope back up and I can see freedom in the near distance. I've also accomplished several tasks I've been putting off for too long AND they were executed without a fight (nothing super significant but none the less rewarding). If I save the boxing gloves for those principalities and powers that the scriptures say we're supposed to battle and stop beating myself up then maybe just maybe I'll have enough strength to win a fight one of these days.

He [God] made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. (2 Cor. 5:21) Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. (2 Cor 5:17) Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Eph 6:12)

Me and a Yellow Tree, Day 264

I did it. I finally went for a really long jog/ walk. YESSS!!!

While I was walking I noticed a really large tree. I slowed my pace a bit so that I could marvel at it's immensity. It's trunk was large enough that I couldn't have even come close to wrapping my arms around it. It's branches reached towards the heavens. They were plentiful, thick and covered in leaves. As I glanced at it I thought about how it once was just a little seed, only an inkling of hope for a possible future tree. I thought about the storms, frigid winters, and possible diseases that it had survived in order to have gotten so big. I realized that the road way which ran beside it and the sidewalk on it's other side weren't a reality when this giant tree first broke through the soil. I was certain it witnessed the building of each of the houses in the neighbor hood. That tree would have seen hundreds of other trees spring forth from the ground only to have died or been cut down. But it's survived. Lifetimes have lapsed but that tree is still there. Life is such a miracle.

The giant tree only got me to thinking about my life, about all the lives that came before me. Countless numbers of people had to survive famines, disasters, diseases, and everything life could throw at them or else I wouldn't be. Hundreds and thousands of battles were fought but my ancestors survived long enough so that I could be. Every single grandparent in my history, from the very beginning of time had to find each other and bring forth that one specific life which led up to mine in order for me to be. If any of the ocean faring individuals in my family tree had wavered, had decided against the journey across the sea I wouldn't be. My parents, out of all the billions of people on the planet chose each other and then there came me. Life is a miracle. The very existence of every single person on this planet, in their individuality and uniqueness, the fact that they are the one and only them there could EVER be and that they made it, they were given life, is nothing more than miraculous.

I continued walking. My feet found their way to a sidewalk covered in brilliant yellow leaves. A vibrant yellow tree reached is beautiful branches overhead. The sun's rays beamed down between each of the radiant leaves left on the tree. A warm amber light, as if I'd entered a cartoonish colorful bubble surrounded me. Each of the wonderfully fragrant leaves created a musical ruffling sound beneath my feet. I experienced a perfect moment. One yellow tree had survived decades in order for that moment to be. I have been blessed with life and a long line of ancestors who each fortunately survived up until that next critical individual came into being otherwise there would have been no me walking under a yellow tree. It seems that with all the billions and trillions and gazillion events which had to occur so that one person could come into being taking life for granted is the greatest of injustices.

Life is a miracle and God is good.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you... Jeremiah 1:5

Monstrous Journey, Day 263

I've two really successful days behind me and my whole life ahead of me.

Two days ago I had to stop a few times every hour to ask my monster what it was roaring about. Because when it said coffee it meant peace, when it roared sugar it meant joy, when is growled for me to collapse into a pile of nothingness it was just trying to get me to calm down, breath deep, and let the tension go. After half the day had elapsed I was pretty sure I wasn't going to make it to the finish line. All that stopping and reasoning and chatting with the little beast was almost as exhausting as fighting with it. Trying to come up with creative productive ways to silence it's moaning was very difficult. I began to question everything. Until I realized that the new method was WAY better than the old one. I was actually getting somewhere... granted it was getting exhausting and my goal was essentially rest but I wasn't trudging around in depression and fighting a losing battle. I was taming the beast.

Today was much easier and much MUCH more peaceful than yesterday. The little guy still roared but I am getting quicker at hearing protein when he says hamburger (which is just an example by the way. I virtually never want hamburgers). I don't remember feeling depressed or heavy today. And my monster is starting to look less like a beast and more like a small child, like maybe the kid in me (who didn't have much of a shot at actually being a kid) is starting to take off the costume I handed it about 15 years ago.

And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown. 1 Corinthians 9:25

Yep I'm that crazy, Day 262

This morning practically first thing the monster roared, "COFFEE!" I was feeling a bit depressed with usual thoughts: it's so early... I wish I could just sleep. I don't want to go to work. Here's to another long day. I just felt heavy, lousy... sort of normal.

The monster roared coffee but I didn't roar back with my usual pathetic unheartfelt, NO! I just said calmly and empathetically, "what do you really want." I felt a faint and subtle answer within my chest: Peace and joy. My monster just wanted to make me happy. It was certain that coffee was the perfect way to achieve that goal. Then I said, I believe out loud in fact, "But I am happy. My life is really good. I love my husband beyond belief and our little family and our home. I don't need coffee to be happy." And I didn't. The driving nagging urging feeling left, just like that. I soothed the savage beast with one simple statement. It was wonderful.

I don't believe it's going to continually be that simple but it was a tremendous break through. I drove to work with hope and a new found excitement about possible freedom. There wasn't a single lingering sentiment of my needing coffee during all of today. There was alot of confrontation and a ridiculous amount of me trying to decifer what my monster meant each time it would shout a command and nag at me. In fact, about an hour before I was done with work a cry for sugar was pulsing through my veins. I felt my body shutting down. I was being pulled towards the grocery department of the store for anything sweet. My monster was screaming outrageously and I was trying to ignore it but the shouts were deafening to the point where the cries for sugar were all I could hear. "PB cups, oreos, candy corn, ANYTHING, just eat sugar... if you eat some sugar you'll be happy, you'll make it through, it'll all be ok." And then I broke. I walked to my car, took out a notebook and wrote. "No it will not be ok because I don't want sugar... you do, but I don't. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to live my life in peace without you screaming sugar at me all of the time. Sugar is not the answer!" Then the compromise came. I will get a yogurt as soon as I finish work. It's sweet delicious and healthy. Deal... deal! And it shut up.

And the yogurt was good.

I realize I might sound like a lunatic, a schizo maybe. I am a little crazy. That's the point. I can't stand the fighting any longer, the depression, the drive to constantly go against every deep rooted desire I have... and I have to do something to change it. I have to do something.

(this was Thursday)

Dealing with the distorted voice of reason, Day 261

A teacher I had once said that when someone craves a hamburger it's their bodies way of telling them they need protein. The hamburger was chosen because it's something that person likes/ something familiar but it's the protein that the body wants. The teacher said that in theory if every time you crave a hamburger you eat shrimp or chicken you would stop craving hamburgers and you'd start wanting shrimp or chicken. If my monster is the distorted voice of reason then I need to stop fighting with it and start trying to hear what it has to say. I might not need a hamburger but I might desperately need protein.

I sat the little creature down this morning, stared straight into its yellow eyes and declared a truce. I let it know that today I want peace and quite. I want to be healthy, which includes eating well and exercising. I don't want to be depressed. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy living. "Today little monster I want you and me to get along." I'm done yelling at it. I'm done trying to beat it into submission. I'm done exhausting myself while I throw all the punches. I always lose the fight anyway.

Then came the difficult part. I asked the distorted voice of reason what it wants. The little monster growled, "Delicious foods, sugar, caffeine, coffee... to rest, relax, take it easy. OOOhh, how bout we go on vacation? We could drive across the country, see the Grand Canyon and the red wood trees, eat at all the little dives and escape it all. I want to enjoy life!" To which I replied, "We're going to enjoy life but we're going to have to compromise!"

I fear this is going to be a long journey. But it looks like I'm finally starting to get somewhere.

Monster Origins, Day 260

I spent the entire day pondering how to get rid of the hairy little ogre that enslaves me. My first line of thought involved moving to an extremely remote area, living off the land, experiencing very little human interaction, basically resorting to a primitive lifestyle where I’d live to live. It seems the monster wouldn’t have much of a voice in an environment like that. However, the practicality of that “solution,” especially considering that Jesse wouldn’t likely be understanding is virtually nonexistent.

The more I thought the more I realized that my options aren’t really any more diverse than they’ve ever been. 1.) I can relocate to a cave in the mountains. Already ruled that out. 2.) I can keep fighting the little beast and continually struggle with weakness and depression. I’m not currently enjoying that option. Or 3.) I can just give it whatever it wants, become a morbidly obese bum with MASSIVE credit card debt and no aspirations for life… BUT a bum who owns a very well fed monster. I don’t like that solution at all. Oh yeah and there’s 4.) drugs. But that’s not going to happen.

Things began to look very grim but I was determined to keep pondering. This is when I began to wonder if I hadn’t created the monster myself. I’m really hard on myself. If you’ve been reading this blog you probably realize the reality of that statement. If I sleep 30 minutes longer than I had planned I beat myself up ALL DAY long for missing out on being able to wash the dishes, finish some laundry, do some stretching and maybe even shower before work. I act like I failed a $500 college course when I eat 500 calories more than what would be ideal. When I don’t complete a really well thought out birthday project for a loved one I hold it against myself indefinitely (I’ve got at least 5 of those piled up now in my mind). Essentially I get depressed and angry and stir crazy and downright unbearable quite often for no apparent reason what so ever with no apparent trigger ALL OF THE TIME. But there are billions of reasons that I carry with me always, that I never let go of, never put behind me; I have failure after failure after failure weighing me down all the time, reminding me that I suck, that I’m not good enough, that I need to try harder and be better and quite frankly that even if I do I’m still going to be a loser. Only they're trapped in here. I don't acknowledge them and when I am REALLY depressed for "no reason" it's probably just the toxic byproduct of repressed failures oozing out of me.

I think my monster may be a little naïve, a tiny bit harsh (I say that sarcastically), over the top, illogical and self centered but I’m starting to wonder if all of its roars are just trying to get me to let go and to stop and enjoy life. I tell myself I need to do that all of the time but I never let myself do it. There’s a good possibility that I have turned the voice of reason into a monstrous childish roar because for years every single time that it’s told me to, “calm down, let it go, don’t be so hard on yourself and just enjoy something,” I’ve told it to shut up.

Of course this is all just a theory. But I think I might be onto something. I was looking for a verse to include with Day 259’s monster blog and one of the first one’s I came across that I loved was Deuteronomy 5:15. But I couldn’t imagine what the Sabbath had to do with anything concerning my monster and it seemed too much of a stretch for me to use. However, if all the roars and all the wars are really just myself begging for rest, for redemption, for a savior, for a Sabbath, well it’s seems pretty appropriate then. Why is it SOOOO difficult to lay it all down at the feet of Jesus and bask in the redemption He’s given to us? Daily I negate His sacrifice and seek to sacrifice myself before a golden calf.

Remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out from there by a mighty hand and by an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day. Duet 5:15

Rest. You're no longer a slave. You are a child of the King. Your Father is leading you, protecting you, and has it all taken care of. A child's path is strewn with mistakes; missteps, stumbles, and wandering define his journey. It's how they grow, learn, discover, and become who they are. A good Father always sees, always loves, always protects, but rarely interferes. Keep the Sabbath Day (the journey is impossible to naviate without rest).

My Monster, Day 259

It roars loudest during the evenings and when I’m hungry. And it knows what it wants. It’s determined. It’s bossy and it is a monster. There’s nothing closer to me than my monster. I have more conversations with it than with anyone else (not literally… I’m not that insane). At present I’d probably be lost without it. Life would seem like a fairy tale. It tells me what to eat. It tells me to quit at everything I do. It tells me to forget about it, forget it all! It tells me to partake of so many annoying deconstructive things that I have a difficult time functioning. I’m practically ALWAYS fighting with it.

For a long time I’ve thought this little buddy was normal. I figured that everyone must deal with their own version. Christian’s call it flesh. Psychologists call it chemical imbalance or deep rooted repressed issues. Moms call it a battle that will only make you stronger. I call it a monster that’s stolen joy, peace, happiness, comfort, and sanity from my life for at least 20 years. I’m beyond sick of my monster and I don’t want it anymore. I’m also no longer ok with just calling it normal. I fight with myself all day long. I feel like a green hairy little 3 year old with sharp teeth and yellow eyes (this monster is starting to look like the Grinch (Microsoft word just automatically capitalized Grinch)) is trapped inside of me. The 3 year old beast is stronger than I am or at least it’s really good at weakening me to the point of getting whatever it wants.

I don’t want to eat sugar all the time. I genuinely want to eat healthy, to feel healthy, to be healthy. But my monster wants all the sugar it can sink its sharp little teeth into. I want to be a runner. I want to exercise. I want to enjoy the feeling of my lungs working hard, breathing in deeply the air of satisfaction and endurance. The monster wants to sit ALL OF THE TIME, oh and to sleep the rest of the time. I want to be productive, do stuff, create, increase, LIVE! My monster tells me that it’s all too difficult, pointless, and so much more worthwhile to just ignore those passions.

Honestly I don’t feel like people would look at me and say, “Hey, there’s someone who struggles just to live.” I’m normal right? But this thing, this constant pull to failure, laziness, self pity, and depression is driving me insane. I struggle regularly to be happy. During most evenings I’m angry or really ridiculously depressed for no reason… literally no reason. Every strong intense desire I have for anything is negated by the monster who lives in me and owns the exact opposite desire. If I don’t want to eat chocolate for a day that’s the only thing the monster wants. If I have a $5 budget for a day, just because, for no other reason than that budget the monster wants to spend $100 that day. It’s this constant pull to do the exact opposite of what I really want no matter what that might be. And it’s not just a little pull, a thought that crosses my mind or continual questioning of whether I’ve chosen my battles wisely, it’s an all out war that weakens me, drains me, brings me to resemble a pile of mush and then overcomes me with a monstrous victory… concluding in my, once again, failure.

I have a monster. This ugly little thing is preventing me from being me. I’m no longer ok with calling it normal. I’m NOT going to take drugs because I firmly believe that feeding the monster to keep it quite isn’t the best solution. I’m currently devising a plan… my favorite thing to do (although never usually successful). BUT it cannot hurt to try.

And thus I leave you with a very heartfelt blog and I feel I must say to the infantile green thing, “So long sucka! You’re not wanted here any longer!”

Then Jonah prayed to the LORD his God from the fish's belly. Jonah 2:1

Passion, Day 258

First thing, Day 257

First and foremost above all else LOVE. That's how my list of this years blogging aspirations begins. Which is also essentially how everything should begin. That brings me back to Jonah. Very rarely do I begin my day thinking about anyone other than myself (except my dogs and dee who are always very hungry at 5:30 in the morning). But I don't want my book to be entitled "Michal."

Love isn't self seeking. I think that one line alone from the love is love isn't scripture says it all. When we put others before ourselves, that's love. Love wants the absolute best for the other person despite the hardships that may cause to the person involved in loving. Really love isn't enacted in order to be reciprocated. Someone loves and operates in love because of the one they love, not because of themselves at all.

First and foremost above all else LOVE. OR notice people, care about people, be concerned for people, and then move on their behalf. Love.