Being Me, Day 265

For the past 5 days (days 259-263) I've been blogging about a psychological monster I'm dealing with. I'd like to clarify that I'm not accusing my monster of being a separate entity from myself. I don't believe there's some hideous creature living within my heart or head, or anywhere else. The monster is my flesh just as Christians call it. It is quite possibly a chemical imbalance AND repressed issues as the psychologists would have one believe. And an adequately waged war against the negative impulses that those chemicals/ my flesh are conjuring up will indeed make me stronger, just as any good mom would tell you.

Here's the thing I'm getting at though: I identify myself with the good things; things which are productive, healthy, wise, Christ like, good things. So when I say that I want to be healthy and my monster wants sugar, I want to be productive and my monster is roaring for lethargy what I'm saying is that I believe who I am is an individual who wants to be healthy and productive. I associate my identity with those ideals (among many others). The other part of me, the part that craves destruction (as it seems) I've put off. I no longer consider that part me. It is indeed alive and well but I no longer identify myself with that part. The Bible says that you are a new creation in Christ Jesus. It talks about putting off the old man and clinging to what is new, what is holy, what is good. I guess I hadn't realized it but that's exactly what I've been doing for years. A long time ago I declared I am someone who wants to be healthy, I am a runner, I am an artist, I am someone who cares for people, who cares for this beautiful earth we live on (among many other things). I often times have impulses that go against all those things, everything that I've declared "this is me." But I know who I am in Christ. I know that God created me to be a very unique, specific person and with the covering of Christ's blood He sees me as perfect. So those sugar cravings aren't me. The lazy ogre isn't me. The grouchy person who wants to push people in the grocery store sometimes isn't me... it's the old man, the one that my Heavenly Father looks past to see me because of the blood of Christ.

If you believe in the redemptive power of Christ then you'll realize that I am not a raving lunatic but that this is indeed all true. The problem I'm having is that although I've put off the old man and don't associate myself with him any longer, and although the blood of Christ has covered those negative impulses (sin) so that my Heavenly Father can look upon me, adore me, love me, find relationship with me, that old man is still here (because I live on this earth in a body of flesh). So for years, decades almost I've been fighting with that other part of me, the monster. Only as much I like to consider myself "saved," redeemed, made new and whole and clean, the monster has been winning the war.

This little monster discovery journey I've been embarking upon is just my way of putting all the puzzle pieces together so that I can better understand the fight. It's my way of learning how to stop beating myself up and start living with myself. It's my way of growing, my search for freedom, and my way of drawing nearer to Christ. This year I've been trying to see things in a new light, a brighter light, a light that extends beyond tradition and rhetoric... one that I've discovered on my own. For years I've been battling my flesh, ok maybe all my life I've been battling it. But the Bible very clearly says that we do not battle against flesh and blood. I couldn't ever understand how I was supposed to fight fleshly impulses and not battle against my flesh. I thought maybe that verse just wasn't referring to the kind of fleshy wars we have with the sinful man (inside ourselves). But during this monster journey I've breathed a breath of fresh air in finding that I might not have to fight with this little monster after all. In fact I've been finding that the creature listens quite well as long as I'm willing to lend an ear to the conversation.

Don't get me wrong this listening to the monster method is tedious but for three days in a row I've been operating in a joy I've not known for a long time. I've picked hope back up and I can see freedom in the near distance. I've also accomplished several tasks I've been putting off for too long AND they were executed without a fight (nothing super significant but none the less rewarding). If I save the boxing gloves for those principalities and powers that the scriptures say we're supposed to battle and stop beating myself up then maybe just maybe I'll have enough strength to win a fight one of these days.

He [God] made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. (2 Cor. 5:21) Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. (2 Cor 5:17) Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Eph 6:12)