People tend to play mind games with each other. When you ask someone if you look fat they know they're supposed to and you hope they'll say "no." People manipulate and skirt around trying to get things they want from others so they don't have to expose themselves. Kids in school are horribly mean to people they have crushes on to try and hide the crush. Admit it, you're aware we play mind games. I'm not much of a fan of them though. I've been accused for most of my life of being brutally honest no matter the subject. Most people admit that they appreciate my absolute honesty even if they've been hurt more than once by my words. I cannot stand saying something I don't mean and I won't. And yet ever since I told that little voice of reason in my head to shut up it's been trying to manipulate me. I've been playing mind games with myself. So, if my monster wants to make me happy it screams "PEANUT BUTTER CUPS!!!" It doesn't say, "cheer up charlie." It tries to convince me I need to eat bad stuff. If the little creature wants me to relax it tells me to stop doing everything that matters to me, to just quite, give up and forget about it. It doesn't reason with me saying "it's ok to slow down, take it easy and baby step your way to the finish line, you need to enjoy life." It tries to cut the difficult out entirely. So I've been listening to the roars and then stopping to consider where they're coming from. Then I can push aside the unreasonable demand and (ideally) find a suitable solution for what ever was causing the monster to grumble.
Honestly, it's been working. I've given in to the roars several times but overall I've listened to the roar, thought about the problem and addressed it. It's much easier to solve an "I need to find a moment of joy" issue then an "I need to eat a ton of sugar RIGHT NOW" problem, because I don't want to eat sugar and there are billions of things that will bring me joy.
Back to my original thought though. Practically all of the roaring requires some form of having. I cannot believe how incredibly driven I am to "have." When I'm gloomy I need to have food or drink to cheer me up (at least that's what my body tells me). Before I started this blog I regularly needed to acquire something, be it a new spatula, new pants, new pillow cases, a new notebook, I needed someTHING new in order to fulfill an emotional void. I'm quite easily satisfied with a beautiful scene; the stars this morning were amazingly comforting. But when I'm not looking for beauty I don't tend to notice it. My monster never yells open your eyes and experience life! I'm pretty sure I'm rarely if ever driven to "be."
I cannot believe how very very extremely "having" oriented I am. I knew it was huge. That's why I began this blog in the first place. I'm mesmerized, fascinated by the idea of living life eyes wide open; experiencing each and every moment for what it is without needing to bring stuff into the picture; growing, increasing, and continually moving forward due to living and not because of an increase of stuff. But wow this monster journey has really opened my eyes to how very needy I am. I don't need sugar or caffeine or junk food... I finally believe that. I don't need stuff... I've finally worked my way out of that habit. I don't need to have in order to be. But boy oh boy does my little monster want to have. Now I get to teach it that happiness, joy, fulfillment, and comfort can be experienced apart from having. Now I get to rewire my brain.
I'm pretty sure I could continue this blog for 5 more years (at least).
Then the young man said, "what do I still lack (what do I need)." And Jesus said "You still lack one thing. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor (you need NOTHING)." Luke 18:22 (paraphrased)
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