Monster Origins, Day 260

I spent the entire day pondering how to get rid of the hairy little ogre that enslaves me. My first line of thought involved moving to an extremely remote area, living off the land, experiencing very little human interaction, basically resorting to a primitive lifestyle where I’d live to live. It seems the monster wouldn’t have much of a voice in an environment like that. However, the practicality of that “solution,” especially considering that Jesse wouldn’t likely be understanding is virtually nonexistent.

The more I thought the more I realized that my options aren’t really any more diverse than they’ve ever been. 1.) I can relocate to a cave in the mountains. Already ruled that out. 2.) I can keep fighting the little beast and continually struggle with weakness and depression. I’m not currently enjoying that option. Or 3.) I can just give it whatever it wants, become a morbidly obese bum with MASSIVE credit card debt and no aspirations for life… BUT a bum who owns a very well fed monster. I don’t like that solution at all. Oh yeah and there’s 4.) drugs. But that’s not going to happen.

Things began to look very grim but I was determined to keep pondering. This is when I began to wonder if I hadn’t created the monster myself. I’m really hard on myself. If you’ve been reading this blog you probably realize the reality of that statement. If I sleep 30 minutes longer than I had planned I beat myself up ALL DAY long for missing out on being able to wash the dishes, finish some laundry, do some stretching and maybe even shower before work. I act like I failed a $500 college course when I eat 500 calories more than what would be ideal. When I don’t complete a really well thought out birthday project for a loved one I hold it against myself indefinitely (I’ve got at least 5 of those piled up now in my mind). Essentially I get depressed and angry and stir crazy and downright unbearable quite often for no apparent reason what so ever with no apparent trigger ALL OF THE TIME. But there are billions of reasons that I carry with me always, that I never let go of, never put behind me; I have failure after failure after failure weighing me down all the time, reminding me that I suck, that I’m not good enough, that I need to try harder and be better and quite frankly that even if I do I’m still going to be a loser. Only they're trapped in here. I don't acknowledge them and when I am REALLY depressed for "no reason" it's probably just the toxic byproduct of repressed failures oozing out of me.

I think my monster may be a little naïve, a tiny bit harsh (I say that sarcastically), over the top, illogical and self centered but I’m starting to wonder if all of its roars are just trying to get me to let go and to stop and enjoy life. I tell myself I need to do that all of the time but I never let myself do it. There’s a good possibility that I have turned the voice of reason into a monstrous childish roar because for years every single time that it’s told me to, “calm down, let it go, don’t be so hard on yourself and just enjoy something,” I’ve told it to shut up.

Of course this is all just a theory. But I think I might be onto something. I was looking for a verse to include with Day 259’s monster blog and one of the first one’s I came across that I loved was Deuteronomy 5:15. But I couldn’t imagine what the Sabbath had to do with anything concerning my monster and it seemed too much of a stretch for me to use. However, if all the roars and all the wars are really just myself begging for rest, for redemption, for a savior, for a Sabbath, well it’s seems pretty appropriate then. Why is it SOOOO difficult to lay it all down at the feet of Jesus and bask in the redemption He’s given to us? Daily I negate His sacrifice and seek to sacrifice myself before a golden calf.

Remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out from there by a mighty hand and by an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day. Duet 5:15

Rest. You're no longer a slave. You are a child of the King. Your Father is leading you, protecting you, and has it all taken care of. A child's path is strewn with mistakes; missteps, stumbles, and wandering define his journey. It's how they grow, learn, discover, and become who they are. A good Father always sees, always loves, always protects, but rarely interferes. Keep the Sabbath Day (the journey is impossible to naviate without rest).