This morning practically first thing the monster roared, "COFFEE!" I was feeling a bit depressed with usual thoughts: it's so early... I wish I could just sleep. I don't want to go to work. Here's to another long day. I just felt heavy, lousy... sort of normal.
The monster roared coffee but I didn't roar back with my usual pathetic unheartfelt, NO! I just said calmly and empathetically, "what do you really want." I felt a faint and subtle answer within my chest: Peace and joy. My monster just wanted to make me happy. It was certain that coffee was the perfect way to achieve that goal. Then I said, I believe out loud in fact, "But I am happy. My life is really good. I love my husband beyond belief and our little family and our home. I don't need coffee to be happy." And I didn't. The driving nagging urging feeling left, just like that. I soothed the savage beast with one simple statement. It was wonderful.
I don't believe it's going to continually be that simple but it was a tremendous break through. I drove to work with hope and a new found excitement about possible freedom. There wasn't a single lingering sentiment of my needing coffee during all of today. There was alot of confrontation and a ridiculous amount of me trying to decifer what my monster meant each time it would shout a command and nag at me. In fact, about an hour before I was done with work a cry for sugar was pulsing through my veins. I felt my body shutting down. I was being pulled towards the grocery department of the store for anything sweet. My monster was screaming outrageously and I was trying to ignore it but the shouts were deafening to the point where the cries for sugar were all I could hear. "PB cups, oreos, candy corn, ANYTHING, just eat sugar... if you eat some sugar you'll be happy, you'll make it through, it'll all be ok." And then I broke. I walked to my car, took out a notebook and wrote. "No it will not be ok because I don't want sugar... you do, but I don't. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to live my life in peace without you screaming sugar at me all of the time. Sugar is not the answer!" Then the compromise came. I will get a yogurt as soon as I finish work. It's sweet delicious and healthy. Deal... deal! And it shut up.
And the yogurt was good.
I realize I might sound like a lunatic, a schizo maybe. I am a little crazy. That's the point. I can't stand the fighting any longer, the depression, the drive to constantly go against every deep rooted desire I have... and I have to do something to change it. I have to do something.
(this was Thursday)
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