Ever since I got back from Guatemala in 2006 I've been fighting with myself. For example I should be working out right now, instead I'm sitting on my butt infront of this glowing screen. Every single time I want anything, I question my motives and wonder at the expense. I don't need anything apart from food and water to survive, and clothing / shelter to protect me from the elements. And all of these I believe I could rather easily obtain if I weren't picky.

I don't need a new frying pan to replace the dingy one in my kitchen. I dont need to spend $4 on coffee in the morning (because it's faster and easier than spending way less and making it myself / even though I actually do not need coffee at all). I don't need new clothing, ever. And the truly sad part of this reality is that although I constantly indulge myself with these wasteful and unecessary consumptions I don't even truly want any of it. I DON'T WANT ANY OF IT! There's something inside of me that's stronger than me, that's driving me to obtain, more and more and MORE, constantly, ceaselessly, at what ever expense necessary and I, ME, I dont even want these things. I am two beings. I am ME, the person who cares and wants to live life and make a difference and impact the world just a little bit AND THEN I am her, a crazy selfish, needy, weak (although stronger than me apparently) horrible, regular American, person who is controlling my life and causing ME to suffocate.

I must make a list.

Me, wants
to read
to create art
to find joy in all the little things
to be healthy
to consume animal byproducts that have been raised humanly on sustainable farms
to not EVER EVER purchase affordable items made by slave labor
to not be in debt
to serisouly dress in rags, I'm not sure why but a part of me really really wants to
to help and love people, all people, everywhere
to not waste ANYTHING, EVER

her, wants
to sit on my butt and do nothing ever (because I deserve to rest)
to just do whats easy and normal (despite the actual cost)
to eat everything and anything and just keep eating more or it
to purchase expensive clothing, just because of the way it feels to have it
to be dumb

I am tired.