Most people's purpose is directed towards something more tangible. People find purpose in their careers, in their families and significant others. Well my job is dumb and I don't have kids and my husband and I have very strong identities of our own and although I am genuinely only half a person without him he's not my purpose in life and I'm not his. I can capture all the neat photographs imaginable. I can clean my house until the cows come home. I can be a hard diligent worker and I could possibly even pay off all my debt and get my life all in order but what's the purpose?
After spending a year focused on "being" focused on not "having" I'm finding it difficult to even rationalize that one should "have" a purpose (even though the cloud of questioning refuses to budge). Does there always need to be a goal? Should conquest and victory and accomplishment play such huge roles in our lives? Isn't it ok to love life for what it is? Isn't it ok to exist to exist (that sounds dumb, but I mean it); to love, to appreciate, to see beauty and be moved by it, to be? Something within me says "no, it's not ok. You must strive for..." But you know what, I don't want to strive for... anymore. I LOVE the idea of living free from want, free from finish lines and on your mark get set... I love the idea of life being the point.
And the inward battle continues. I believe that I should be ridiculously thankful for the air I breath, for the health in my body, for the overwhelming shower of blessings that rain down upon my life, for the family and loved ones that surround me... there should be NOTHING to strive for, to NEED... there shouldn't be a purpose. Okay, that sounds like a cop out. What I'm trying to say is that life is wonderful. This world is beyond amazing. There aren't words to describe it's beauty. One could spend every single moment of an entire lifetime simply appreciating this place. The people spanning the globe are incredible awesome little glimpses of our Creator and they're each so unique and wonderful. Why do we need more? That's my question.
What is this inward itch that's pushing me to conquer; something, anything, it doesn't even matter what it is, my mind just tells me that I need to make an impact? But I want to be impacted.
Here's the thing: I've identified that I believe inwardly and emphatically that I am a failure. I can work it over and over again in my head but my heart knows this (false) truth. When I type the above announcement, "I am a failure," when I say it my heart cries out a shout of relief. In the same moment is beats a schizophrenic rhythm of comfort from having been given the opportunity to release what's been held within for so very long and sadness from knowing the truth, the absoluteness, the certainty of failure.
I'm guessing that my NEED to accomplish, to go out there and slay a dragon, my NEED to HAVE a purpose is in direct correlation to my belief that I am a failure. If I can overcome the (false) truth; if I can accomplish and conquer and be victorious THEN the I'm free. But that's stupid. I'm already free. I already know (in my head) that I'm not a failure. This thing called life is so messy and this is getting really long again.
The point is to follow Christ. I can think of no alternate purpose and thus I shall pray for sunshine and watch as the cloud of unknowing dissolves. Live. Love. Experience beauty. The truth: life is too precious to waste on false truths, insecurity, and chasing after the wind.
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