??? Day 157

Ever since I arrived home from Guatemala I’ve had this intense compulsion to shop. Oddly enough I haven’t taken the time to analyze this sudden drive but suddenly it’s driving me crazy. At all times there’s been this subtle desire in the back of my mind to go off somewhere and much like a toys r’ us sweepstakes winner would have when I was a kid just grab a hold of everything in my path and HAVE it. I want to flee to Chicago with Jesse and purchase clothing, elaborate food and desserts, shoes, household items, gifts for loved ones; you name it I want it (the last two times we went to Chicago we purchased nothing other than food). I want to drop everything and drive to the Grandville mall (which always makes my skin crawl when I’m there) and buy chocolates, books, PJ’s, clothes; oh the list goes on. I’m not for any psychotic reasons making this up. I’ve had this underlying compulsion poking at me ever since I got home.

It’s weird. I’m a tad bit ashamed to admit it. But thems the facts and I don’t understand the facts for one moment. Usually when I arrive home from Guatemala I have exactly the opposite pull take effect. I’m generally disgusted at the idea of spending a single penny. Usually I get annoyed with anyone who happens to pass by me in extremely nice clothing or with a brand new car. Usually money or the necessity of it is obsolete once I arrive home. Not this year.

Maybe I’m at a breaking point in this year long blogging thing. Maybe I need to go off into a corner somewhere and just sit and re-evaluate. Maybe I need to stare reality in the face and admit that I am an American with deep rooted tendencies towards spending, consuming, luxury, comfort, and spoiled rottenness. Maybe this is the point where I admit defeat, repent, and chose the path I’m going to trod. Will it be a path of conscious living, a path of simplicity and subtle beauty, one strewn with humanitarian efforts devoid of self absorption, or shall I stay upon the path I know, a path of comfort, and excess, a path which strays as far from the little man as humanly possible and traverses upon all which my little heart could ever desire?

Anyone who’s read much of this blog would know that my heart pulls me towards the more difficult path, one contrary to the life patterns engrained within me. I desire to do what my heart tells me is right, to live a simple life and care for the simple man. BUT my flesh, my being, something really loud and unbelievable strong inside of me shouts, “Just forget about it and live the life you know. Buy something for crying out loud!”

I admittedly am getting sick of fighting but I think this is the point where I pull out some boxing gloves or just surrender.