Preach it Paul, Day 139

In one moment I'm completely driven, ready to take on the world. In the very next moment I'm weaker than a baby, nothing holding me back from utter ruin. I don't get it and I don't like it.

I do not understand the complexities of human emotion (I know... who does). It's drving me insane.

I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.
Romans 7:15,19,21 NLT

Update, Day 138

I’ve been reading my Bible outside each morning for the past three days. For the past three days I’ve had an overwhelming calm and peace about my spirit.

I haven’t bought one single thing in a long time because I have been trying so diligently to not spend money.

I’ve stopped memorizing Spanish words. I don’t know why I do that. It’s so easy: just pick a word and remember it. I get mad at myself for neglecting the little things which mean so much to me, which are essentially so easy, and yet which I just let go.

I haven’t gotten rid of anything from my house in a long time but I keep telling myself that I’m going to have a garage sale…

I haven’t drank any coffee (with the exception of two sips of a “white chocolate hot chocolate” that the barista thought should have espresso in it) since January 31st. 4 entire months. That’s the good news. The sad news is that despite my having purged coffee I’m not much nearer to the ultimate coffee purging goal. I still, adamantly look forward to the day I’ll be able to drink it. I’ve almost completely assured myself that I will drink at least one cup in Guatemala. And in the mean time I’ve still got tea, hot cocoa, and other splendid beverages to take coffee’s place in my needy little life. So, I’ve done really well with the main objective but at present I’m not really accomplishing what I set out to do.

This year has been challenging, to say the least. I’ve been angry with myself for letting so many things go. On the flip side I’ve been learning how to let things go. I can’t live life always striving to accomplish everything and then always frustrated for having not accomplished it all. I am SLOWLY learning to set goals, to work hard, and to look positively at the outcome, knowing that it isn’t ever truly over until I’ve breathed my last. Ultimately I am learning to enjoy the ride; notice the flowers in the path and to feel the sun on my skin. I’ve definitely grown, realized much, and I continually look forward to each step along the way.

Make me walk in the path of Your commandments, For I delight in it.
Psalm 119:35

Day 137

Today was great, and not because I aquired anything new or accomplished a grand feat. Throughout the day I stopped to enjoy. I read my Bible out side this morning with the beautiful day unfolding all around me. I did accomplish quite a lot today but I enjoyed each task, I enjoyed the individual moments surrounding them. Being outside while I washed my car and pulled weeds in the front bed with the warm sun and bright blue sky was incredible. I'm not proud to have accomplished the tasks, I'm delighted to have lived those moments. Listening to incredible music while I washed dishes and straightened the house was invigorating. I'm not enjoying a sense of relief because there are clean dishes in my kitchen, my joy is from having lived life today. Washing the laundry and hanging it out to dry was revitalizing. I'm glad to have conserved energy, to have utilized the sun, and to have had that time in the great out doors with the soft grass poking between my toes. I enjoyed today. I lived today. I don't even recall having seen one cheetah. 

Fallen Helicopters, Day 136

While walking along a sidewalk covered in helicopters the consecutive crispy crunchings created by each footstep is magnificent.

The world is full of magnificence. We've only to stop and notice.

On the glorious splendor of thy majesty, and on thy wondrous works, I will meditate.
Psalm 145:5

Cardinal, Day 135

Tired. More chores. I was hanging my laundry on the line in the back yard yesterday. It was hot. the sun was bright and the sky was blue. There was a pleasant breeze gently blowing. A beautiful bright red cardinal landed on my fence and watched me complete my task.

I love that God created the animals. The simplest of acts, a red bird landing on a fence, can add so much to an ordinary day.

And then he was gone.

(and now I just learned something... cardinal is shade of red... whoa. So much increase from one little bird.)

Then God said, "Let the waters abound with an abundance of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the face of the firmament of the heavens."
Genesis 1:20

It’s hot outside, Day 134

I am thoroughly enjoying the sudden burst of summer, from the blinding sunshine to the wall of heat that evokes instantaneous beads of sweat when one steps outdoors (at least out of air conditioned doors). Driving with widows rolled all the way down, the hot air rushes through the car and massages my skin. There are white fuzzies wafting through the newly tropical air like summer snowflakes. The grass along roadways and in fields is every shade of green, it’s grown quite long, and it sways in the heat like a crowd of comrades dancing. I’ve already received my first sunburn of the year (hopefully the last). Even while my dying fire red skin stings, burns, and itches I’m forced to smile at the constant reminder that summer is here and our winter coats may now be cast far away. The occasional pain joyfully speaks to me, “you’re very much alive!” The heat and the humidity which any normal person would find very uncomfortable are both soothing and exciting to me. I can clearly remember the bitter cold dark days of this winter past and the sudden summer and new found heat is very welcomed right now while I still hold those lingering icy cold memories. Welcome summer!

Ice cream, Day 133

I WANT ICE CREAM NOW!!!!

I saw this little girl at meijer the other day. Well she wasn't so little. She was one of those really pudgy kids thats so pudgy they all kinda look alike. She was probably 3 years old but the size of a 5 year old. Her parents had her sitting in the cart (where the groceries usually go). She was holding onto the bars and SCREAMING "I wanna sucka," with a bit of a lisp, over and over and over again. Obviously everyone was looking at her but she wasn't fased one bit. She wanted a sucker.

Inside, no one can see, I feel just like that little girl a lot of the time. Some little person in me is holding on and screaming at the top of her lungs right at this very moment, "I WANT ICE CREAM!" I'm afraid that the only way to permenantly stop her from screaming is to NOT give her any icecream, to discipline her and teach her self respect and self control. I could just get some ice cream and quite the inside noise for a little while. But it would return sooner than later and I would just get pudgier and pudgier (pleasantly plump as my Grandpa McRae would say).

I don't want to be a pudgy little girl but I want ice cream : (

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:11

Meownah, Day 132

Sometimes you need a place to rest when you’re running from cheetahs.

The eternal God is your refuge (your dwelling place), and underneath are the everlasting arms; He will thrust out the enemy from before you, and will say, 'Destroy!'
Duet 33:27

The God of my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; my Savior, You save me from violence.
2 Sam 22:3

For You are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
Ps 61:3

The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.
Prov. 18:10

But to the poor, O LORD, you are a refuge from the storm. To the needy in distress, you are a shelter from the rain and the heat. For the oppressive acts of ruthless people are like a storm beating against a wall, or like the relentless heat of the desert. But you silence the roar of foreign nations. You cool the land with the shade of a cloud. So the boastful songs of ruthless people are stilled.
Is. 25:4-5

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Ps 46:1

There will be cheetahs. You will have to stand strong and run fast. Rejoice therefore that you have a God you can run to. It would be beyond exhausting to just keep running with no place to go.

Day 131

How you spend your days is how you spend your life. I just saw that on a sign. It's so true.

It's not that one amazing thing you did that makes up your life. It's not one accomplishment or two or three. Are you usually frusterated? Do you regularly worry about everything? Are you normally happy? Are you generally thankful? Each and every day makes up your lifetime, not just that one great thing you did once.

This really puts things into perspective for me. Everytime I argue with Jesse or pick at him for little insignificant things; all the time I worry and stress about accomplishments; my constantly being tired; it all adds up and it doesn't end up being a bad day, it turns into my lifetime. I think I can do better.

(some people spend their lives sitting on porches, just sitting)

I'm honestly pondering this, Day 130

I was noticing today that people who sit out on there porch and just sit are usually unattractive. Sorry if you're quite attractive and you sit out on your porch and just sit, I haven't seen you. Why do only unattractive people just sit aournd on their porches?

Day 129

This year is flying by. I've noticed time speeds up as you get older. I cannot imagine what life would be like at age 70 or 80. To God a day is as a thousand years and a thousand years are as a day. I think I'm starting to understand that. The first 5 months of this year are as a week in my mind. We really should make every second count. They just keep getting shorter.

Psalm 50, Day 128

I’m pretty convinced that the devil is able to take anything good and twist it for his own purposes. I can rant and rave forever about greediness, selfishness, and having. I can try to reform myself and never make one more purchase. I can quote the rich young ruler scripture a million times, make it my life’s motto, and sell all that I have. But if I forget to be thankful for what God has given me then the devil has done his job well despite all of my trying to be good.

I read Psalm 50 this morning. God declares to those who have “made a covenant with me by sacrifice,” that He’s not going to rebuke them for their sacrifices (it’s good to give). BUT then God says, “I will not take a bull from your house, nor goats out of your folds. For every beast of the forest is Mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills. I know all the birds of the mountains, and the wild beasts of the field are Mine. If I were hungry, I would not tell you; for the world is Mine, and all its fullness. Offer to God thanksgiving, and pay your vows to the Most High.” The Lord has provided us with all that we have. God doesn’t need our things. Yes they belong to Him but He doesn’t need them. He desires our thanks.

Shortly after these verses God addresses the wicked. "Now consider this, you who forget God, lest I tear you in pieces, and there be none to deliver: Whoever offers praise glorifies Me; and to him who orders his conduct aright I will show the salvation of God." God doesn’t need our things. He desires our thanks BUT we are still supposed to live rightly. It’s not a good thing to forget God.

The way I see it there are three types of people. (You can choose which one you want to be) There are those who get by taking. There are those who get by giving. And there are those who are thankful for what they have. I’ve been the first and the second however I desire to be the last.

Oh, give thanks to the LORD! Call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples!
1 Corinthians 16:8

About My Father’s Business, Day 127

In our meeting yesterday for the upcoming Guatemala trip I ended up spewing this passionate speech about inadvertently stealing from the underprivileged while we hoard and spend and take full advantage of all that the Lord has poured out upon us. Everyone was just staring at me with blank expressions on their faces. After I was done bombarding them a team member quizzically chimed in, “so, you’re saying… that by having nice things and spending our own money… we’re stealing from the poor?” (I used quotations but those weren’t her exact words, just something like it) She seemed almost shocked.

I was thinking about my passionate rant while I was at work today. I’m still attempting to “Dave Ramsey” my way right through this week. I have $10 left in our food envelope until Thursday and there is virtually no food in this house. There isn’t any spending money for anything else. I was debating using some of our food cash to get something from Starbucks. All I had for breakfast was popcorn. I was asking myself if it was really a sin to buy chai. Then I was thinking, would I like to stay in debt just a little bit longer and have tea, or get out of debt a little bit sooner sans the tea? Consecutively I wondered if buying tea would constitute robbing the poor. Then my head started to hurt.

I’m practically a professional at over analyzing a matter. The simple conclusion that’s evolved from the mind numbing over analysis I embarked upon this day is that all things belong to God. We’ve been instructed by Jesus Christ to be His hands and feet here on this earth. If God places ANYTHING into your life, into your hands, or beneath your feet… I guess the simple question is (wow this is lame, but I’m gonna do it) what would Jesus do?

It’s not necessarily bad to buy tea. Tea could be a blessing from God, certainly. BUT if you know, if you feel deep down in your heart that you shouldn’t be spending the money that the Lord has placed into your hands on tea, then it is a sin AND you are stealing from someone or something. If that particular money wasn’t designated by God for tea, then it was designated by God for something else.

I guess even though I’m very much an independent adult I still have a Father to answer to. What I have doesn’t really belong to me. It belongs to Him. I need to be responsible with my Fathers belongings. I need to be about my Father’s business. To only be thinking about me all of the time; to spend all of MY money on what I want; to turn a deaf ear to the One in charge of the budget; well that’s just foolishness.

He who offers a sacrifice of thanksgiving honors Me; And to him who orders his way aright I shall show the salvation of God.
Ps. 50:23

Stopping to smell the mint, Day 126

When I was a kid there was always mint growing behind our house. My mom told me that it was edible. I used to pick it and take little nibbles. It always smelled so wonderful but it certainly didn’t taste the way that it smelled. Still, I was ever intrigued by anything you could pull from the ground and eat. I always loved the mint behind our house.

Shortly after I moved into my own home a close friend of mine gave me a gift of mint that she’d planted from seeds and grown for me. I planted it behind the house just like my mom had when I was a kid. It’s grown and spread out over the years and I seldom notice it but I am extremely glad that it’s there.

The sun was warm and incredibly bright today. I think it may finally be spring. As I was hanging some laundry to dry I glanced over at the mint sprigs poking through the ivy that share it’s bed. I strolled over and picked a piece and smelled that wonderful aroma. I picked a handful and tied it to string and hung it in my kitchen where hopefully it will dry. Maybe I can make some tea from the backyard mint. How delightful.

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Ps. 37:4

Gazelle intensity, Day 125

“People should not consider so much what they are to do as what they are… Thus take care that your emphasis is laid on being good and not on the number or kind of things to be done. Emphasize rather the fundamentals on which your work rests.”
- Eckhart

I started this year with the above quote. And today I need to remind myself of it. “The leaf I intend to turn over each and every day this year is one of simplicity. I desire to navigate the course of this year with respect to life and to love. To abandon selfishness, greed, and lust, to seek out truth, and to execute my steps with discipline; these are my aspirations. These aspirations are vague, yes, but also life changing.” This quote is from my January 1st blog. I’ve been reading through my blogs today and I think I’ve stumbled upon the kick in the pants I’ve been looking for. Somewhere in the so called “living” life that I’ve been doing I almost forgot about simplicity and about beauty. I’ve been so focused; focused on doing thing right, accomplishing my goals, and staying on track that I haven’t been stopping to smell any of the flowers alongside the track.

I am amazed at how quickly I lose sight of a thing. One day I’m amazed, overcome, and made new because of a simple revelation, a simple truth. Two days later I’ve forgotten the truth I thought I learned. I need to do less hearing and more learning. I’m kind of like Dory from finding Nemo, in one ear and out the other. That’s not a good thing.

Dave Ramsey talks about Gazelle intensity. The cheetah is the fastest animal on dry ground but a gazelle can run from a cheetah if it tries hard enough. He refers to temptation as, “look out, CHEETAAAHHHH!!!” I’ve been telling myself that a lot lately. I wanted to go out to dinner the other night. It was NOT in the budget. I had almost resolved that I did not care, I was going to anyway. And then I said to myself, “look out CHEETAAAHHHH!!!” and I ran away.

I feel like I am surrounded by cheetahs right now. They are lurking behind every single tree and hiding in the grass. There are financial cheetahs, accomplishment cheetahs, food cheetahs, time cheetahs, and knowledge cheetahs, the list goes on; all these things that I am trying so diligently to work away from, to grow out of, and to break free of. I believe that no matter how difficult the struggle, no matter how many times I have to shout cheetah and run, no matter how tired my feet get, that if I keep running, keep escaping, and continue to come out alive; I believe that I’ll eventually work my way out of the cheetah infested forest and plains I’ve been living in. The thing I need to remember and to write down really large somewhere is that every time I outrun one of those cheetahs I need to take a little rest and stop and smell the flowers. One day life will be much simpler, much lovelier, and I’ll be a WAY stronger gazelle. I can do it.

Deliver yourself like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter, And like a bird from the hand of the fowler.
Proverbs 6:5

Dave Ramsey, Day 124

I ventured through the Dave Ramsey financial peace university almost a year ago now. Jesse and I haven't used credit cards since then. Today however we both stuck to our (very tight hard to comply with) budget AND only spent CASH that was in the envelope.

I've been resisting almost all THING purchases this year. Now I'm stepping it up. We're only going to spend what's been allotted to spend and we're going to get out of debt.

I guess I'm not living life unless I'm hardcore challenging myself. At least that is what this blog is making me to see. The other thing it's making me to see is that I'm really really good at setting myself up for falior. I'll keep working on balance.

Day 123

Last night I was whining to myself while I was trying to fall asleep, "how in the world am I going to get that done in the morning... I'll never have time to do that... and shoot I forgot that that needs to be done."

And then I just said to myself, "tomorrow will take care of itself, now is a time for rest." I let everything go. I breathed in deep. And I slept pretty well last night.

If nothing else I am learning how to calm down and let go of all the "things" that weigh on my mind. It's proving to be a long difficult road but I think it's worth it.

Day 122

This year is more than 1/3 over. I haven't even been looking at Spanish words. I cannot remember the last thing I got rid of in this house. I have not been reading. It's been increasingly more difficult to not buy things. Today while working I saw at least 5 things that I REALLY wanted. I haven't drank coffee since January 31st but honestly I still wish I could have it every single day. I need a boost of motivation and gusto but I'm not quite sure where to find it???

Day 121

Today was uneventful and I don't have anything to say. But it was a good day. I am calm, peaceful, and happy. I'll leave it at that.

Day 120

I'm wondering if accomplishments are a type of possession for me and for others perhaps. I do not need to accomplish everything. I'm going to tell myself that all week. I started telling myself that today. Honestly just letting go of those few things I couldn't get to or didn't accomplish as well as I had wished was such a tremendous relief.

There's always tomorrow. (and when tomorrow doesn't come then I guess it won't matter)

Mere Christianity, Day 119

I read the neatest thing in CS Lewis's Mere Christianity the other day. He was saying that God looks at the heart, people just look at circumstances and judge things based on what they "think" they know. Yeah, yeah we all know that. Well he gave an obserd example something along the lines of: one man could get angry and kill hundreds of people and another man could get angry and slam a door extremely hard and for all we know God veiwed the act of getting angry equally in both men based on the condition of their hearts, based on the inward going ons and workings that we cannot see. We would automatically say the man who slain hundreds was evil and horrid and going to hell. Obviously the man who slammed the door commited no sin. BUT we are unable to see within each mans heart. We can only see the outward appearance. This is why, CS Lewis says, the Bible tells us not to judge. We cannot see what God sees and we do not know how He sees a thing. We think that we "have" the information necessary to condemn or for that matter to honor a man but we cannot see no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we investigate, and no matter how much the individual tell us... into anyones heart.

This was a VERY good reminder that I do not know and I cannot judge. This is one thing I am very glad to let go of (or at least to try and release). I do not want to presume to be the proud owner of such intellect, insight, and knowledge that I am able to honor and condemn. I'd much rather just try to love people, all people. And I shall try.

Velveteen Conejo, Day 118

Have you ever noticed that in movies which are set in an old European era even the really big homes are at least a bit run down? I love the house in Pride and Prejudice that the Bennet Family lives in. It’s really large. It’s a beautiful home but it has smudges on the walls, and lots of little imperfections. I love that movie for what it is but every time I watch it I embrace a renewed comfort in the velveteen.

I pulled some bulky nonsense away from my entry way wall this evening. There were smudges galore all over it. I thought to myself, “where’s the magic eraser?” Then I remembered Pride and Prejudice. There was a time when normal people couldn’t afford to re-paint their walls regularly. They couldn’t just replace carpet because it got dingy. When they acquired truly new items those items were utilized for generations after. Things weren’t discarded because of chips and scratches, wear and tear. Actually the bed frame I used as a child was brought over from England with my Grandmother. It had been hers and her mother’s before her (James broke it).

It’s extremely silly but at times I kind of like the smudges on my walls. At times I kind of relish the fact that we haven’t painted a single wall in this house since we moved in. Seeing the little marks reminds me that we “live” here. New is nice but being able to see the years of life in a thing puts a smile on my face. I will get out the magic eraser but I’ve no plans of painting anytime soon.

Disclaimer: I love freshly painted walls. I love the change of color and the newness a simple can of creamy colorful liquid can bring to a room. It isn’t costly and it’s so dramatic. What I am saying however is that in this day and age we hardly ever hold onto anything. We don’t value what we have anymore. Our way of life is, “new is cool. Anything else belongs in the landfill.” But really how long does anything stay new?

And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others. As the Scriptures say, "Godly people give generously to the poor. Their good deeds will never be forgotten." 2 Corinthians 9: 8-9 NLT

Fresh air, Day 117

It truly is the little things that make life grand; like drawing the shades to let the sunlight fill the house and opening the windows and breathing fresh air; as well as picking lilacs from the backyard to beautify and aromatize ones kitchen; or listening to extremely loud rock music while emphatically working out; how about fresh sheets and a line dried comforter to cozy up the bed; or a neatly vacuumed vehicle free of crumbs, paper shreds, dirt balls and dust mites. It’s all the little things!

The Lord... is righteous; He does no wrong. Morning by morning He dispenses his justice, and every new day He does not fail... Zephaniah 3:5 (NIV)

Day 116

Today was warm and bright and beautiful. I am thankful to be alive.

Accomplishment, Day 115

There is SOOO much satisfaction in accomplishment. I feel so good once I've tackled a task. Once something has been resolved, taken care of and attended to the air is sweeter and I've more energy then when I started.

Here's what I'm wondering: is this compelling feeling to always be going, doing, working, moving, completing, fnishing, the list goes one; is this a feeling steming from our human nature, from our core, from our survival instinct? From the begginning of time people have had to constantly at all costs keep completing tasks necessary for survival practically every minute of every day. All over the world even now people are faced with this reality. Yet here we are, most likely you who obviously have internet access inorder to be reading this and me; we are in this unatural time in history when man no longer has to struggle to survive; we no longer have to strive and toil ceaslessly inorder to keep on living. But does my mind for some reason still believe that I should be living as though life were a struggle? (in all honesty it is not (I've seen struggle))

OR is it the grand American society, with it's grand American asperations, rooted deep with in my core which compells me to need accomplishment for satisfaction? I do wonder. I am incredibly intrigued by what it is that causes my mind to urge me to keep going, keep doing, keep completeing... "its not finished yet, it's not done yet, that still needs to be taken care of, what about that, what about the other thing, look over there..."

One can hardly grasp rest when accomplishment is what drives them. Are we all driven by accomplishment, conquest, realized visions... or are there people who can truly find peace in rest? It's like what Erich Fromm says about pleasure, that you are never truly satisfied because the realization of a pleasure leaves you with a void once its ended. This drive to constantly resolve a matter is one and the same. Once the conquest has been made you must have another inorder to again obtain that moment of satisfaction (which you're incapable of holding onto indefinatley).
 

The DONE list, Day 114

Today I made a list. It was a DONE list. There were all these things needing to be acomplished. Instead of writing them all down, piling them all up, and looking upon them with dread, terror, and hoplessness I chose one task, completed it and then wrote it down on the DONE list. It was great. I started moving quicker and quicker as my list started getting longer and longer. I wasn't having to face all the many tasks that yet needed accomplishing but rather I was able to look upon all that I'd accomplished and not as a former task with a line through it but each little chore was written on the list with pride distinctly and prominently as an accomplishment. Today I am able to say I did not fail to complete all that needed attending to (because I placed no expecations upon today). Today I am able to say I accomplished MANY things (they're all on the DONE list).

Day 113

Right now I am wasting time. I haven't been able to find time lately to do anything and right now I have a million and one things I need to acomplish but I'm sitting here doing NOTHING. I'm not complaining so much as I'm wondering why I do this. One step at a time, I guess. Here I go...

Time should not be wasted. It is quite valuable.