There is one who scatters, yet increases more;
And there is one who withholds more than is right, but it leads to poverty.
The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered himself.
Prov. 11:24-25
I want to look for thirsty flowers and pour the water of life upon them.
I want to give of whats been given me and not withhold for any reason; pride, fear, selfishness, or anxiety.
I think I will read this tomorrow morning and then I will get out my watering can and go.
9.Shade, shadow, darkness - sombra
10. smile - sonrisa
11. farm, real estate, property - finca
12. crown, wreath - corona
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Time Out, Day 58
Took a little time out today and forced myself to do something I haven't done in a VERY long time.
The result: ME
The result: ME
Thursday, February 25, 2010
A Simply Beautiful Day 57
As my eyes began to open this morning I embarked upon a quest to discover beauty today. While driving to work I notice an incredibly old tree in the middle of the highway. It had at least 7 large squirrel holes dispersed along its trunk. Many of its larger branches had broken off over time creating more circular crevices for rodents and insects to abide within. Leafless, ashen, and dismembered it almost seemed to shiver in the howling wind. But I loved the beauty of it as I sped by. This old broken tree living between two bustling roads, having experienced several tragedies and sitting alone in the cold frigid winter was still alive. It was there for me to see and to smile about and it still had life in its branches. It was beautiful.
I also noticed a single hardy leaf twirling about on a snow covered hill side. There wasn’t a single other leaf in sight. I wondered how the little fellow managed to hold on for so very long or at least preserve himself well enough to be able to dance atop the snow covered hills so late into winter. I saw beauty in that playful brown leaf.
The north western edge of Michigan is currently home to endless frosted hills rolling beneath a white winter sky strewn with scattered forests of dark twiggy trees that hold snowflakes upon every branch. I believe that if the trees weren’t in place one wouldn’t be capable of distinguishing hills from sky. The vastness of brown and white is from a postcard or an enchanting movie. There are but two colors in all the world. And yet for over 2 hours I drove amongst the wintery white hills and the trembling brown forests. Michigan is unbearably cold at present but I dare say it makes amends with its beauty.
The most beautiful moment I encountered today was in the words of woman at Meijer. For years this lady has been greeting me with an ever consistent bright cheery, “Hello Michal!” Today she mentioned to me that the many changes that have taken place recently in her department have been difficult. Shift changes, job description rewrites, manager shifting, you name it, it’s not fun. Then she said that through it all she has tried with all her might to find one thing with meaning, one thing that really matters, one thing to hold it all together and keep her going. The thing that fuels her is her relationship with the older women who diligently shop at the store; women who’ve lost their husbands; many who haven’t much family left; she said that giving them hugs every day, saying hello, talking about the day, being family for them is the thing that keeps her going. And then she said even though I’m hugging them and I know it means so much, really they’re hugging me and they don’t realize what that means. I saw nothing more beautiful today than her heart. And I’ve never taken the effort to commit her name to memory until today.
Beauty is all around us.
Do not let your adornment be merely outward--arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel--rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.
1 Pe 3:3-4
7. yard - yarda
8. yesterday - ayer
I also noticed a single hardy leaf twirling about on a snow covered hill side. There wasn’t a single other leaf in sight. I wondered how the little fellow managed to hold on for so very long or at least preserve himself well enough to be able to dance atop the snow covered hills so late into winter. I saw beauty in that playful brown leaf.
The north western edge of Michigan is currently home to endless frosted hills rolling beneath a white winter sky strewn with scattered forests of dark twiggy trees that hold snowflakes upon every branch. I believe that if the trees weren’t in place one wouldn’t be capable of distinguishing hills from sky. The vastness of brown and white is from a postcard or an enchanting movie. There are but two colors in all the world. And yet for over 2 hours I drove amongst the wintery white hills and the trembling brown forests. Michigan is unbearably cold at present but I dare say it makes amends with its beauty.
The most beautiful moment I encountered today was in the words of woman at Meijer. For years this lady has been greeting me with an ever consistent bright cheery, “Hello Michal!” Today she mentioned to me that the many changes that have taken place recently in her department have been difficult. Shift changes, job description rewrites, manager shifting, you name it, it’s not fun. Then she said that through it all she has tried with all her might to find one thing with meaning, one thing that really matters, one thing to hold it all together and keep her going. The thing that fuels her is her relationship with the older women who diligently shop at the store; women who’ve lost their husbands; many who haven’t much family left; she said that giving them hugs every day, saying hello, talking about the day, being family for them is the thing that keeps her going. And then she said even though I’m hugging them and I know it means so much, really they’re hugging me and they don’t realize what that means. I saw nothing more beautiful today than her heart. And I’ve never taken the effort to commit her name to memory until today.
Beauty is all around us.
Do not let your adornment be merely outward--arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel--rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.
1 Pe 3:3-4
7. yard - yarda
8. yesterday - ayer
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Chocolate Covered Marshmallows, Day 56
Today was my day, the day to indulge, the day to lavish myself with enjoyment; today I was going to abandon all of my rules and regulations and just have fun. This morning I had birthday money that I told myself I could spend on anything. An entire day was laid before me, 24 hours to indulge myself with all of my favorite foods, no consequences and no restrictions.
Last night I dreamed of cinnamon rolls, bacon, cheese, and chocolate (you have to realize I’ve been eating quite conservatively for 6 months). This morning I imagined the new (stain free, hole free) clothing I might purchase. I was ready to splurge. But as the day went by, as I ate relatively close to usual, as I thought and pondered what I might use my birthday money for, I started to realize that I didn’t want to over eat. As good as the Easter candy looked, especially the chocolate covered marshmallows, it wasn’t really worth it. And despite the list of spectacular items that scrolled through my mind throughout the day there wasn’t anything I needed or desired badly enough to actually spend the money on even if it was my birthday.
All of this hard work and struggling may actually be paying off. I must say that this is going to be a really interesting year.
For this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love.
2 Pe 1:5-7
5. tea – te`
6. Tea cup – taza para te`
Last night I dreamed of cinnamon rolls, bacon, cheese, and chocolate (you have to realize I’ve been eating quite conservatively for 6 months). This morning I imagined the new (stain free, hole free) clothing I might purchase. I was ready to splurge. But as the day went by, as I ate relatively close to usual, as I thought and pondered what I might use my birthday money for, I started to realize that I didn’t want to over eat. As good as the Easter candy looked, especially the chocolate covered marshmallows, it wasn’t really worth it. And despite the list of spectacular items that scrolled through my mind throughout the day there wasn’t anything I needed or desired badly enough to actually spend the money on even if it was my birthday.
All of this hard work and struggling may actually be paying off. I must say that this is going to be a really interesting year.
For this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love.
2 Pe 1:5-7
5. tea – te`
6. Tea cup – taza para te`
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I am Caffeine free, Day 55
I’m used to extremes in my life. I’m used to munching on lots of sugar, getting a really nice sugar rush which invokes wonderful feelings of joy and satisfaction, and then crashing, experiencing weakness and extreme tiredness. In 5th grade I began riding my bicycle to school. My friend Jodi and I would stop at Dunkin donuts for breakfast (a donut covered or filled or both with some gooey substance) each morning and then we’d ride to Skip’s pharmacy were we’d each fill a tiny brown sack with candies for the rest of the day. I’m sure my love of sugar began much earlier than this but there’s a good possibility that my sugar addiction was acquired at this time.
My caffeine love affair didn’t begin until later into high school. Coffee with friends was always a fun time. However spontaneously deciding to drive to Canada or Kentucky during the middle of the day (while not having the time or finances required to obtain lodging) resulted in driving home from Canada or Kentucky in the middle of the night. Caffeine was almost essential during these such escapades.
While maintaining a healthy (in my mind’s eye) balanced intake of sugar and caffeine into adulthood I’ve managed to keep the wheels spinning in my head at speeds possibly not natural, muster up the energy needed to accomplish task after task after tiresome task without the necessary sleep needed, pull hyper happy me out of the closet when big social events arise, and I’ve realized that a good dose of either substance adds a lot of color and pizzazz to any situation.
For less than one month I’ve abstained from caffeinated substances and my sugar intake has been relatively low. For the most part I’m no longer physically ill. I’ve noticed a considerable difference in me though. I move throughout the day with one consistent speed, not fast, not slow, but just moving. I haven’t been hyper once. My mind hasn’t been racing (which I sort of miss). I’ve just been mellow and calm and sort of boring.
I’m used to extremes and yet I just complained about the unnecessary extremes in my life for two whole paragraphs in my last blog. It’s going to take awhile, possibly a long while to learn how to be me without the additives but I think it’ll be good. I’m not sure how many things I should tackle all at once. I’ve got a pretty good list of additions building up in my mind right now. But as much as I gripe about it and share my sob stories with you I’m really excited about the outcome and the journey. For now at least I think I can handle mellow, calm and boring. It might just be better than hyper and happy, then tired and grouchy, then headache and needing something.
In addition I am doing a horrible job at memorizing a Spanish word each day so I’m going to add each day’s word to my blog.
1. To build – construir
2. Board - tablas
3. Calm- tranquilo
4.Broom- escoba
My caffeine love affair didn’t begin until later into high school. Coffee with friends was always a fun time. However spontaneously deciding to drive to Canada or Kentucky during the middle of the day (while not having the time or finances required to obtain lodging) resulted in driving home from Canada or Kentucky in the middle of the night. Caffeine was almost essential during these such escapades.
While maintaining a healthy (in my mind’s eye) balanced intake of sugar and caffeine into adulthood I’ve managed to keep the wheels spinning in my head at speeds possibly not natural, muster up the energy needed to accomplish task after task after tiresome task without the necessary sleep needed, pull hyper happy me out of the closet when big social events arise, and I’ve realized that a good dose of either substance adds a lot of color and pizzazz to any situation.
For less than one month I’ve abstained from caffeinated substances and my sugar intake has been relatively low. For the most part I’m no longer physically ill. I’ve noticed a considerable difference in me though. I move throughout the day with one consistent speed, not fast, not slow, but just moving. I haven’t been hyper once. My mind hasn’t been racing (which I sort of miss). I’ve just been mellow and calm and sort of boring.
I’m used to extremes and yet I just complained about the unnecessary extremes in my life for two whole paragraphs in my last blog. It’s going to take awhile, possibly a long while to learn how to be me without the additives but I think it’ll be good. I’m not sure how many things I should tackle all at once. I’ve got a pretty good list of additions building up in my mind right now. But as much as I gripe about it and share my sob stories with you I’m really excited about the outcome and the journey. For now at least I think I can handle mellow, calm and boring. It might just be better than hyper and happy, then tired and grouchy, then headache and needing something.
In addition I am doing a horrible job at memorizing a Spanish word each day so I’m going to add each day’s word to my blog.
1. To build – construir
2. Board - tablas
3. Calm- tranquilo
4.Broom- escoba
Day 54
I find myself asking today, why is life so difficult? Sometimes I blame it on being an adult but if I really think back on it it was pretty hard growing up as well. Most of my problem is emotions. I get so frusterated, so upset, so worried, so... you name it. I have to continually tell myself, "it's ok, it's just a feeling." But even when I believe it, even when I know that nothing is wrong, that I'm just drained, sick, tired, weak, even then I still have the negative emotion boiling beneath my skin.
I have plenty of happy moments. My life isn't all doom and gloom. There are things that I utterly enjoy. However I'm just wondering why life is so difficult. I don't feel like it should be. I feel like I make it way more complicated than it really is. Maybe that's just me... but that's the thing thats dancing around in my mind. Is it just me? Could I change a flaw in my character, or is this just part of being human?
I think I just make it way more complicated than it really is.
Here's to an uncomplicated simple day. HA.
I have plenty of happy moments. My life isn't all doom and gloom. There are things that I utterly enjoy. However I'm just wondering why life is so difficult. I don't feel like it should be. I feel like I make it way more complicated than it really is. Maybe that's just me... but that's the thing thats dancing around in my mind. Is it just me? Could I change a flaw in my character, or is this just part of being human?
I think I just make it way more complicated than it really is.
Here's to an uncomplicated simple day. HA.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
At-one-ment, Day 53
After the fall, when man and woman become fully human… they feel the deepest shame there is: the shame of facing a fellow being “nakedly” and simultaneously experiencing mutual estrangement, the unspeakable abyss that separates each from the other.
-Erich Fromm
Erich Fromm presents an interesting (actually I find it delightful) view point of “original” sin, that of Adam and Eve, in his book “To have or to be.” What is sin? It is disobedience. God instructed them to not eat of the tree and they were disobedient.
Adam and Eve were one flesh. This is what the Bible says. They were naked and unashamed. Mr. Fromm presents the idea that before they ate of the fruit, before their eyes were opened to the knowledge of good and evil they had a bond which may have joined them in a way incomprehensible to us. They were one. When Eve chose to eat of the fruit naturally Adam would have eaten of it too. They were one. They were naked and unashamed and were one. They had this similar relationship with the Lord. Jesus speaks of this relationship to the disciples when he says I and the Father are one. When Adam and Eve sinned, ate the fruit, their eyes were opened and the bond was broken. They were fearful of God, no longer being one with him. They were ashamed in the sight of each other, no longer being one flesh, but two separate beings with their own egos, their own passions, their own desires. Choosing to eat the fruit was an act opposite of love, it was selfishness. The first sin could be looked at a bit differently than just being that of disobedience in that it was an act of choosing to not love. This choice ruined everything.
Erich Fromm says then, maybe righteousness isn’t found in the act of obedience, or religious observation, but in loving, in at-one-ment. (I’m pretty sure he’s not a Christian by the way) Jesus was always trying to get the religious zealots to understand that they were missing it. What was his message? Love your neighbor, do good to those who hurt you, do not judge, do not condemn, restoration with the Father; Jesus was telling us to at-one ourselves with God and then with everyone else.
Being obedient and acting in love should go hand in hand. However they do not always. We very often are obedient with frustration and resentment buried deep within our hearts. Sometimes in order to truly fulfill an act of love someone must be disobedient.
I’m often times the first to judge someone for a horrendous act (or a tiny one). I gasp and roll my eyes and “cannot believe they did that” with the rest of them. I am daily seeking out humility and compassion to overcome this bitter root which desires to live within my heart. Complaining about what he did, getting angry about what she did, noticing fault in anyone and then holding it up, defining them by that fault; this is sin. Anytime, ANYTIME we set ourselves above or even apart from anyone else, this is sin. I must remind myself, there is something to be learned from every person on this planet, everyone has something I do not, I am no better than any man. We are ALL children of God. He desires relationship and at-one-ment with ALL of us AND that we love each other.
It doesn’t matter how good you are… you sin. Love.
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.
Luke 10:27
-Erich Fromm
Erich Fromm presents an interesting (actually I find it delightful) view point of “original” sin, that of Adam and Eve, in his book “To have or to be.” What is sin? It is disobedience. God instructed them to not eat of the tree and they were disobedient.
Adam and Eve were one flesh. This is what the Bible says. They were naked and unashamed. Mr. Fromm presents the idea that before they ate of the fruit, before their eyes were opened to the knowledge of good and evil they had a bond which may have joined them in a way incomprehensible to us. They were one. When Eve chose to eat of the fruit naturally Adam would have eaten of it too. They were one. They were naked and unashamed and were one. They had this similar relationship with the Lord. Jesus speaks of this relationship to the disciples when he says I and the Father are one. When Adam and Eve sinned, ate the fruit, their eyes were opened and the bond was broken. They were fearful of God, no longer being one with him. They were ashamed in the sight of each other, no longer being one flesh, but two separate beings with their own egos, their own passions, their own desires. Choosing to eat the fruit was an act opposite of love, it was selfishness. The first sin could be looked at a bit differently than just being that of disobedience in that it was an act of choosing to not love. This choice ruined everything.
Erich Fromm says then, maybe righteousness isn’t found in the act of obedience, or religious observation, but in loving, in at-one-ment. (I’m pretty sure he’s not a Christian by the way) Jesus was always trying to get the religious zealots to understand that they were missing it. What was his message? Love your neighbor, do good to those who hurt you, do not judge, do not condemn, restoration with the Father; Jesus was telling us to at-one ourselves with God and then with everyone else.
Being obedient and acting in love should go hand in hand. However they do not always. We very often are obedient with frustration and resentment buried deep within our hearts. Sometimes in order to truly fulfill an act of love someone must be disobedient.
I’m often times the first to judge someone for a horrendous act (or a tiny one). I gasp and roll my eyes and “cannot believe they did that” with the rest of them. I am daily seeking out humility and compassion to overcome this bitter root which desires to live within my heart. Complaining about what he did, getting angry about what she did, noticing fault in anyone and then holding it up, defining them by that fault; this is sin. Anytime, ANYTIME we set ourselves above or even apart from anyone else, this is sin. I must remind myself, there is something to be learned from every person on this planet, everyone has something I do not, I am no better than any man. We are ALL children of God. He desires relationship and at-one-ment with ALL of us AND that we love each other.
It doesn’t matter how good you are… you sin. Love.
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.
Luke 10:27
I Am Thankful, Day 52
I will meditate on the glorious splendor of Your majesty, And on Your wondrous works.
Ps. 145:5
I’m thankful for the wonderful day I have just had. I’m thankful for a very peaceful pain free morning, a morning in which I accomplished a lot of cleaning/ purging, specifically from my kitchen. I’m thankful that no overwhelming feelings attacked me, but rather that I was able to peacefully calmly take care of the things I’ve been blessed with.
I’m thankful for my wonderful husband and the love he has for me, a love I can see within his green eyes. I adore his smile and laugh and I repent for taking both of these away from him too often. Although that brings me to my next place of gratitude, I am thankful that he and I exist together overlooking every flaw despite what emotions they might stir up when being executed. Marriage is an amazing bond unlike any other and I’m eternally gratefully for having found Jesse.
I am thankful for my family and friends. I love that the people who surround my life are people that my Heavenly Father has placed around me (this list includes furry children). I know that each individual is a blessing from Him. My Mom, my Dad, there is NO ONE else from the beginning of time until the end that could be who they are. These two ultra specific individuals who God chose are the only two people in all of history and the future who could be my parents. The same rings true for every person I’ve ever known. From my siblings to my bestest friends no one else could EVER fill any of these people’s shoes.
I’m thankful additionally for my (almost) 30 years of relationships, of learning and growing and becoming who I am today. Today was a remarkably wonderful day. Circumstances were incredible, not having to deal with sickness or pain or work, having gotten plenty of sleep, accomplishing tasks galore, and being showered with kindness by (almost) all of my loved ones. And I’m thankful that, I’m going to go with, over 200 years combined worth of stuff was just sorted through and disposed of with the much appreciated assistance of my dear friend Kelly!!! I can move around in the upstairs of my home now : ) I feel as though my existing today was entirely that of a being existence. I needed no thing for happiness or joy. I desired, craved nothing (except food). Life was good. Each moment was peaceful, enjoyable and nothing was required for it to be so. I can’t say I pushed through the muck and came out victorious however I can say I sure am thankful that there wasn’t any muck today.
And every creature which is in heaven and on the earth and under the earth and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, I heard saying: "Blessing and honor and glory and power to Him who sits on the throne, And to the Lamb, forever and ever!"
Rev. 5:1
Ps. 145:5
I’m thankful for the wonderful day I have just had. I’m thankful for a very peaceful pain free morning, a morning in which I accomplished a lot of cleaning/ purging, specifically from my kitchen. I’m thankful that no overwhelming feelings attacked me, but rather that I was able to peacefully calmly take care of the things I’ve been blessed with.
I’m thankful for my wonderful husband and the love he has for me, a love I can see within his green eyes. I adore his smile and laugh and I repent for taking both of these away from him too often. Although that brings me to my next place of gratitude, I am thankful that he and I exist together overlooking every flaw despite what emotions they might stir up when being executed. Marriage is an amazing bond unlike any other and I’m eternally gratefully for having found Jesse.
I am thankful for my family and friends. I love that the people who surround my life are people that my Heavenly Father has placed around me (this list includes furry children). I know that each individual is a blessing from Him. My Mom, my Dad, there is NO ONE else from the beginning of time until the end that could be who they are. These two ultra specific individuals who God chose are the only two people in all of history and the future who could be my parents. The same rings true for every person I’ve ever known. From my siblings to my bestest friends no one else could EVER fill any of these people’s shoes.
I’m thankful additionally for my (almost) 30 years of relationships, of learning and growing and becoming who I am today. Today was a remarkably wonderful day. Circumstances were incredible, not having to deal with sickness or pain or work, having gotten plenty of sleep, accomplishing tasks galore, and being showered with kindness by (almost) all of my loved ones. And I’m thankful that, I’m going to go with, over 200 years combined worth of stuff was just sorted through and disposed of with the much appreciated assistance of my dear friend Kelly!!! I can move around in the upstairs of my home now : ) I feel as though my existing today was entirely that of a being existence. I needed no thing for happiness or joy. I desired, craved nothing (except food). Life was good. Each moment was peaceful, enjoyable and nothing was required for it to be so. I can’t say I pushed through the muck and came out victorious however I can say I sure am thankful that there wasn’t any muck today.
And every creature which is in heaven and on the earth and under the earth and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, I heard saying: "Blessing and honor and glory and power to Him who sits on the throne, And to the Lamb, forever and ever!"
Rev. 5:1
Friday, February 19, 2010
For he had Great Possessions, Day 51
This morning I decided to randomly open my CHRONOLOGICAL Bible and just read whatever was there. I'm still trying to read through the Bible and I'm still stuck in the Psalms (which I am actually quite enjoying).
To clarify, the Chronological Bible is in order of when everything occurred, not the regular order.
Guess what I opened to... The scriptures about the rich young ruler who asked “what do I still lack.” Jesus told him to sell everything, give to the poor, and to then follow Him. So then I read the story three times, since in the chorological Bible the gospels all play out back to back to back.
I find it VERY interesting that after all this I just happen to turn there. And now I've shared. Be!
Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.
Jm 1:27
To clarify, the Chronological Bible is in order of when everything occurred, not the regular order.
Guess what I opened to... The scriptures about the rich young ruler who asked “what do I still lack.” Jesus told him to sell everything, give to the poor, and to then follow Him. So then I read the story three times, since in the chorological Bible the gospels all play out back to back to back.
I find it VERY interesting that after all this I just happen to turn there. And now I've shared. Be!
Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.
Jm 1:27
Thursday, February 18, 2010
We war not against flesh and blood or caffeine, Day 50
January was superb. I spent the entire month seeking the Lord and pondering life. I quite possibly grew more inwardly during January than I did in all of 2009. During this time of growth, revelation and numerous beautiful moments I resolved to give up coffee.
The past 18 days I’ve faced extreme bouts of depression, constant weakness and lethargy, incredibly unbearable cravings to consume sugary edibles I less than need accompanied by a drive to acquire, buy, fill my void with stuff, and ridiculous physical sickness including massive headaches, a really lengthy intense cold, sharp pains just below my abdomen, sleeplessness and extreme acid indigestion which has awoken me on several occasions and prohibited further sleep. I mustn’t neglect to add that my poor husband has been living with a monster who bites his head off for simply saying hello. This has been a terrific month!
Thus far while treading through hell I’ve accounted for every horrible incident by proclaiming, “It’s the caffeine withdrawal.” Every single day thus far I’ve beseeched God for help. Practically begging I ask, “Please help me survive this day,” and I haven’t ceased to be yet.
Shortly after I posted yesterdays blog as I lay in my bed, adamantly hoping against chest pains during the night, I realized that I’ve been an absolute fool concerning the caffeine blame game I’ve been playing. Not once in the past 18 days have I’ve stopped to consider that there was possibly more to this situation than just an awful detox. Somehow for 18 days I forgot that I have an enemy who desires nothing but the worst for me. My seeking God is the absolute worst thing I can do as far as he’s concerned. I’ve been asking God to help me win this war but I’ve been fighting against myself and not against the enemy.
Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. Eph. 6:11-12 (NLT)
The past 18 days I’ve faced extreme bouts of depression, constant weakness and lethargy, incredibly unbearable cravings to consume sugary edibles I less than need accompanied by a drive to acquire, buy, fill my void with stuff, and ridiculous physical sickness including massive headaches, a really lengthy intense cold, sharp pains just below my abdomen, sleeplessness and extreme acid indigestion which has awoken me on several occasions and prohibited further sleep. I mustn’t neglect to add that my poor husband has been living with a monster who bites his head off for simply saying hello. This has been a terrific month!
Thus far while treading through hell I’ve accounted for every horrible incident by proclaiming, “It’s the caffeine withdrawal.” Every single day thus far I’ve beseeched God for help. Practically begging I ask, “Please help me survive this day,” and I haven’t ceased to be yet.
Shortly after I posted yesterdays blog as I lay in my bed, adamantly hoping against chest pains during the night, I realized that I’ve been an absolute fool concerning the caffeine blame game I’ve been playing. Not once in the past 18 days have I’ve stopped to consider that there was possibly more to this situation than just an awful detox. Somehow for 18 days I forgot that I have an enemy who desires nothing but the worst for me. My seeking God is the absolute worst thing I can do as far as he’s concerned. I’ve been asking God to help me win this war but I’ve been fighting against myself and not against the enemy.
Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. Eph. 6:11-12 (NLT)
Moral of the story boys and girls: Try not to get addicted to anything. The chemicals in your body shouldn’t be messed with. And don’t forget who the real enemy is. The war isn’t against flesh and blood, or caffeine and sugar, or alcohol and heroine, but against a fallen angel who wants to kill you.
Day 49 rebuttal
I've pretty much come to my senses. I thought about it alot today and I think all of the whys can basically be answered with two spiritual principles: Spiritual authority and Free will. I'm going to use this post to add scriptures about prayer. But I realize it all comes down to spirtual authority and free will.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Prayer? Day 49
This is going to be contemplative. I’d like to start by saying that I don’t have a clue where it will end up.
The past several days I’ve been inspired by the monks. My favorite place in Ireland that Jesse and I saw was an incredibly old ruined Abbey. There wasn’t a roof to the building and the entire complex was filled with grave stones. It wasn’t creepy though, as I would have expected. It was beautiful and serene. As old and uninhabited as it was I could feel the reverence in that place. As Jesse and I walked the illuminated pathways of the old building I imagined the feet that once trod each step I then took. Knowing that I stood in a place where countless hours of prayers had been prayed was awe inspiring.
I’m fascinated by the innumerable lives throughout time that have been devoted to God. I can’t abandon my life to live in a beehive hut alongside a crystal pond next to a lush green forest far from all civilization. I wouldn’t want to anyway. I can however go throughout my regular daily activities while praying, while praising God, while giving thanks and expressing my adoration for all that surrounds me. Life’s always better this way anyway and essentially that is what the devoted were doing only they hadn’t the distractions we have.
So I have been and I do spend a lot of time talking to God. I spend a good amount of time thanking Him for everything. But, I’m a little tripped up as of late concerning what people would most likely consider prayers. I’m not sure how or even why to present God with requests. Concerning myself, my being, prayers about my heart I have no problem. “Lord please help me to extend your compassion and love towards everyone I encounter today.” No problem. “Father I am asking for strength concerning…” No Problem. It’s everything else that I am struggling with.
Here are my questions as of late: God has a will and it’s magnificent and great, why would he need me to pray for His will to be done? At present I don’t understand why I need to pray for anything that He would desire to happen to begin with. I’m not even sure why I would be fighting spiritual warfare, calling forth angels and binding bad guys. Why would God need me to do that? Wouldn’t He be perfectly capable to accomplish these feats without me asking Him to accomplish them? I really am confused. I have been reading the Bible for… my whole life and I LOVE praying, but I cannot come up with an answer to this question. I feel ridiculous asking it but I am truly stumped. It’s like I’m stepping before God, my Heavenly Father, the creator of everything, who was and is and is to come, and then I say to Him, “I realize that it is your will for… (I’m trying to think of an example) me to be healthy. Father would you please keep me healthy today?” I don’t get it. Why am I asking Him to do what He wants to do?
Any input; any scriptures (specifically answering this question) would be much appreciated. Until then I’m just going to monk it… “Thank you Lord, I love you Lord, Father you’re amazing.”
The past several days I’ve been inspired by the monks. My favorite place in Ireland that Jesse and I saw was an incredibly old ruined Abbey. There wasn’t a roof to the building and the entire complex was filled with grave stones. It wasn’t creepy though, as I would have expected. It was beautiful and serene. As old and uninhabited as it was I could feel the reverence in that place. As Jesse and I walked the illuminated pathways of the old building I imagined the feet that once trod each step I then took. Knowing that I stood in a place where countless hours of prayers had been prayed was awe inspiring.
I’m fascinated by the innumerable lives throughout time that have been devoted to God. I can’t abandon my life to live in a beehive hut alongside a crystal pond next to a lush green forest far from all civilization. I wouldn’t want to anyway. I can however go throughout my regular daily activities while praying, while praising God, while giving thanks and expressing my adoration for all that surrounds me. Life’s always better this way anyway and essentially that is what the devoted were doing only they hadn’t the distractions we have.
So I have been and I do spend a lot of time talking to God. I spend a good amount of time thanking Him for everything. But, I’m a little tripped up as of late concerning what people would most likely consider prayers. I’m not sure how or even why to present God with requests. Concerning myself, my being, prayers about my heart I have no problem. “Lord please help me to extend your compassion and love towards everyone I encounter today.” No problem. “Father I am asking for strength concerning…” No Problem. It’s everything else that I am struggling with.
Here are my questions as of late: God has a will and it’s magnificent and great, why would he need me to pray for His will to be done? At present I don’t understand why I need to pray for anything that He would desire to happen to begin with. I’m not even sure why I would be fighting spiritual warfare, calling forth angels and binding bad guys. Why would God need me to do that? Wouldn’t He be perfectly capable to accomplish these feats without me asking Him to accomplish them? I really am confused. I have been reading the Bible for… my whole life and I LOVE praying, but I cannot come up with an answer to this question. I feel ridiculous asking it but I am truly stumped. It’s like I’m stepping before God, my Heavenly Father, the creator of everything, who was and is and is to come, and then I say to Him, “I realize that it is your will for… (I’m trying to think of an example) me to be healthy. Father would you please keep me healthy today?” I don’t get it. Why am I asking Him to do what He wants to do?
Any input; any scriptures (specifically answering this question) would be much appreciated. Until then I’m just going to monk it… “Thank you Lord, I love you Lord, Father you’re amazing.”
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Green Martyrdom, Day 48
The thing which I inwardly despise about Catholicism is the very same thing with compels me towards an emphatic admiration of the green martyrs, the monks who lived during the decades following St. Patrick’s life. Just as in the Islamic religion, I cringe at its rigidity and how structured and insistent it is concerning acts of religion. Yet, I find the dedication of religious observations by the Muslim followers to be quite beautiful.
The form of Christian doctrine I follow has virtually no requirements. I’ve been saved by grace, and it is a gift from God. There is a rather long list of things a “Christian” should not do, but the list of must-dos is virtually not existent. My salvation, after life, eternal place in heaven does not depend upon any act I perform. I am unrighteous (made righteous only through the blood of Christ) and incapable of working my way to heaven and thus there really isn’t anything I MUST do.
As far as Ireland was concerned before Patrick came upon the scene, since the beginning of time human sacrifice was a necessity in order to please the gods. And from what I gather the Irish gods were quite difficult to please. They were feisty beings, with large, bold, eccentric personalities to be admired and greatly feared. When Patrick presented “the good news” of Jesus to the Irish people they were relieved. He told them that God had provided the ultimate sacrifice in giving himself for them. Human sacrifice was no longer needed. They had been redeemed by God himself. At least hundreds of historians will admit that Ireland was possibly the only place (during the period of time I’m speaking of) ever evangelized without the spilling of “heathen” blood. Most of the Irish were really truly excited about “the good news.” (The druids not so much, understandably)
The Irish converts to this new wonderful religion were impressed by the freedom, by the life they’d been granted through this new God but they wanted desperately to give their lives in return for the gift He’d given them. The green martyrdom was what they were driven to. Countless numbers of people left their homes, their families, and the lives they’d always known to venture into remote areas and pray, transcribe books, live simple pious lives, and it seems they followed quite rigorous religious routines.
I am so fascinated by this act. It seems like it almost became the cool thing to do. That so many individuals gave their lives to this new faith, not by the shedding of blood, but by daily observance, daily penance; each day was devoted to and lived for God; the God who’d granted them the gift of life. I genuinely believe these guys and gals weren’t like the monks we see in movies. The green martyrs were on fire. They were still Irish to the core. But their lives had been transformed by Jesus, not by a religion even but by Christ himself. (The Catholic Church was SOOOO far disconnected from the Christian movement in Ireland that it took centuries to reconnect (if you can call it that))
One can be religious and observe the rules and regulations they’ve been told they must follow. Or one can be in love and observe the rules and regulations that their own heart is beseeching them to fulfill.
My son Solomon, know the God of your father, and serve Him with a loyal heart and with a willing mind; for the LORD searches all hearts and understands all the intent of the thoughts. If you seek Him, He will be found by you; but if you forsake Him, He will cast you off forever.
1 Ch. 28:9
The form of Christian doctrine I follow has virtually no requirements. I’ve been saved by grace, and it is a gift from God. There is a rather long list of things a “Christian” should not do, but the list of must-dos is virtually not existent. My salvation, after life, eternal place in heaven does not depend upon any act I perform. I am unrighteous (made righteous only through the blood of Christ) and incapable of working my way to heaven and thus there really isn’t anything I MUST do.
As far as Ireland was concerned before Patrick came upon the scene, since the beginning of time human sacrifice was a necessity in order to please the gods. And from what I gather the Irish gods were quite difficult to please. They were feisty beings, with large, bold, eccentric personalities to be admired and greatly feared. When Patrick presented “the good news” of Jesus to the Irish people they were relieved. He told them that God had provided the ultimate sacrifice in giving himself for them. Human sacrifice was no longer needed. They had been redeemed by God himself. At least hundreds of historians will admit that Ireland was possibly the only place (during the period of time I’m speaking of) ever evangelized without the spilling of “heathen” blood. Most of the Irish were really truly excited about “the good news.” (The druids not so much, understandably)
The Irish converts to this new wonderful religion were impressed by the freedom, by the life they’d been granted through this new God but they wanted desperately to give their lives in return for the gift He’d given them. The green martyrdom was what they were driven to. Countless numbers of people left their homes, their families, and the lives they’d always known to venture into remote areas and pray, transcribe books, live simple pious lives, and it seems they followed quite rigorous religious routines.
I am so fascinated by this act. It seems like it almost became the cool thing to do. That so many individuals gave their lives to this new faith, not by the shedding of blood, but by daily observance, daily penance; each day was devoted to and lived for God; the God who’d granted them the gift of life. I genuinely believe these guys and gals weren’t like the monks we see in movies. The green martyrs were on fire. They were still Irish to the core. But their lives had been transformed by Jesus, not by a religion even but by Christ himself. (The Catholic Church was SOOOO far disconnected from the Christian movement in Ireland that it took centuries to reconnect (if you can call it that))
One can be religious and observe the rules and regulations they’ve been told they must follow. Or one can be in love and observe the rules and regulations that their own heart is beseeching them to fulfill.
My son Solomon, know the God of your father, and serve Him with a loyal heart and with a willing mind; for the LORD searches all hearts and understands all the intent of the thoughts. If you seek Him, He will be found by you; but if you forsake Him, He will cast you off forever.
1 Ch. 28:9
Monday, February 15, 2010
I am Irish, Day 47
Saturday I had this unyielding desire to consume the innards of a book. My most favorite information to dine upon is any which pertains to Ireland. It’s been far too long since I’ve partook of such a meal. My hunger drove me to the library where I chose my morsel and began feasting.
When I read Irish history a light turns on inside of me. A reoccurring smile works its way from somewhere deep within me to a comfortable place between my lips. I feel as if I am reading a story about me, about my past, a history of who I am. This story excites me and brings increase to my life. It connects me to the world I live in and the immense number of days this world has experienced. This story gives my life far more than its 30 years, limited perspective and tiny bits of knowledge; it gives my life centuries of culture, color, personality, and a connection to countless lives and all their many stories.
I finished reading this evening and I found myself giddy once again over MY Irish history. I had to stop myself and ask, “am I attempting to “have” an Irish heritage or am I being an Irish[wo]man?” I don’t wish to be acquiring a collection of knowledge, a title to add to my ego, a possession that I might have in order to increase me. I want to be.
The wheels in my head began turning. I asked, “What’s the difference between having my Irish heritage and being and Irishman?” Well, having is holding onto; it’s smoldering/ smothering something. The opposite of having is letting go. Only when we release a thing (that is living), when we let it move, grow, increase, breath, progress along its natural course is that thing really valuable. When you love something I believe you must let it be what it is. When you “have” something it is there to serve your purposes, it exists to further you. But how much can someone actually be furthered by something which is being suffocated? If the thing which you are “having” is a thing which cannot grow or increase then is it a thing even worth having?
My Irish heritage does not belong to me. Rather it is a part of every person with the littlest bit of Ireland flowing through their veins. I cannot have it. I cannot make it mine. I cannot hold it or keep it. I can only continue to respect it, to dine upon it, to walk it out, and to let it be. I am Irish. I am me. I need “have” nothing for this to ring true.
When I read Irish history a light turns on inside of me. A reoccurring smile works its way from somewhere deep within me to a comfortable place between my lips. I feel as if I am reading a story about me, about my past, a history of who I am. This story excites me and brings increase to my life. It connects me to the world I live in and the immense number of days this world has experienced. This story gives my life far more than its 30 years, limited perspective and tiny bits of knowledge; it gives my life centuries of culture, color, personality, and a connection to countless lives and all their many stories.
I finished reading this evening and I found myself giddy once again over MY Irish history. I had to stop myself and ask, “am I attempting to “have” an Irish heritage or am I being an Irish[wo]man?” I don’t wish to be acquiring a collection of knowledge, a title to add to my ego, a possession that I might have in order to increase me. I want to be.
The wheels in my head began turning. I asked, “What’s the difference between having my Irish heritage and being and Irishman?” Well, having is holding onto; it’s smoldering/ smothering something. The opposite of having is letting go. Only when we release a thing (that is living), when we let it move, grow, increase, breath, progress along its natural course is that thing really valuable. When you love something I believe you must let it be what it is. When you “have” something it is there to serve your purposes, it exists to further you. But how much can someone actually be furthered by something which is being suffocated? If the thing which you are “having” is a thing which cannot grow or increase then is it a thing even worth having?
My Irish heritage does not belong to me. Rather it is a part of every person with the littlest bit of Ireland flowing through their veins. I cannot have it. I cannot make it mine. I cannot hold it or keep it. I can only continue to respect it, to dine upon it, to walk it out, and to let it be. I am Irish. I am me. I need “have” nothing for this to ring true.
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| Driving Towards the Beautiful Burren |
Sunday, February 14, 2010
We have only to be quite and listen, Day 46
I see his blood upon the rose
And in the stars the glory of his eyes,
His body gleams amid eternal snows,
His tears fall from the skies.
I see his face in every flower;
The thunder and the singing of the birds
Are but his voice- and carven by his power
Rocks are his written words.
All pathways by his feet are worn,
His strong heart stirs the ever-beating sea,
His crown of thorns is twined with every thorn,
His cross in every tree.
-Joseph Plunkett
And in the stars the glory of his eyes,
His body gleams amid eternal snows,
His tears fall from the skies.
I see his face in every flower;
The thunder and the singing of the birds
Are but his voice- and carven by his power
Rocks are his written words.
All pathways by his feet are worn,
His strong heart stirs the ever-beating sea,
His crown of thorns is twined with every thorn,
His cross in every tree.
-Joseph Plunkett
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Day 45
The present is the point where past and future join, a frontier station in time, but not different in quality from the two realms it connects. But that we respect time is one thing; that we submit to it is another. In the mode of being, we respect time, but we do not submit to it. In the being mode, time is dethroned; it is no longer the idol that rules our life.These excerpts excite me to the very fiber of my being. This is what I’m striving for. This is where I am trying to live. That time wouldn't be an obstacle, an enemy, a ruler, or a curse; that time would be a playground in which we live our lives and nothing more; that I might look to the past only to remember it but not to relive it or crave it; that I might look to the future only as a guide but not in hopes of escaping now; that I might live each moment because each moment is alive; this is being. I am letting go of having (attempting to) and trying to be.
-Erich Fromm
Blessed be the name of the LORD from this time forth and forevermore! Moreover, no man knows when his hour will come: as fish are caught in a cruel net or birds are taken in a snare, so men are trapped by evil times that fall unexpectedly upon them.
Ps. 113:2 and Ecc. 9:12
Cause and Effect, Day 44
In industrial society time rules supreme. Via the machine [industrial society], time has become our ruler. Only in our free hours do we seem to have a certain choice. Yet we usually organize our leisure as we organize our work. Or we rebel against tyrant time by being absolutely lazy. By not doing anything except disobeying time’s demands, we have the illusion that we are free, when we are, in fact, only paroled from our time-prison.
-Erich Fromm
Still going through crap but I have a confession to make. I've been slacking lately. My 365 days with Erich Fromm and Jesus has experienced several days without Jesus. Whenever I get attacked (massive headache for days, severe cold that after more than a week is finally almost gone, recent spout of depression accompanied by ridiculous weakness and stupidity) I forget about God. I haven’t read the Bible, I've barely prayed, and I haven’t spent any time with God for several days. I feel awful, I’m trying to “work” my way out of it and I’m not getting anywhere. I just want to sit on the couch and not move ever again. Well maybe I’ll move now and again to get food and go to my bedroom where I’ll lay on my bed and not move ever again. I rebel against time when I feel that I haven’t any. But how does my rebellion; wasting time… sitting… not doing anything… how does this accomplish anything? I still feel obligated to pick back up where I left off after my lazing around is through and I’m still tired and weak and disgruntled.
The kindergarten cause and effect lesson that I've learned in terms of this repeating scenario is that when I chose "the one good thing" and sit and the feet of Jesus life is beautiful, there’s meaning, joy and peace. I have the strength that I need to live, to move forward, and to tackle the tasks that present themselves. Time isn't an enemy because I can live in each moment. I increase and grow and feel revitalized just by breathing. When I Martha it up and forget that the answer to all of my questions is sitting on a chair in just the other room then I fall apart and time attacks me and I long for future moments, moments of escape from my labor, escape from the routine, escape from the machine.
I was thinking intently upon this little lesson this morning and I felt some powerful religiosity kick in. I became a tad bit angry with God for punishing me with the depression and weakness and what not during my little rendezvous away from Him. I was thinking precisely as every laborer does who has to perform and keep up to par. Then something inside of me tapped at my heart and whispered, "you don’t actually believe that do you?" I don’t believe God is punishing me for ignoring Him anymore than I believe He punishes someone for sticking their hand in fire. I believe that I need Him. I’m not saying that God doesn't punish people. I’m almost positive that He does. But I don’t believe that God gives me depression or weakness. I don’t believe that God even gets angry with me for my escapades.
Everything I've been learning lately pertains to the condition of my heart. I think that if I’m working on my relationship with God because I believe He’ll be angry or punish me otherwise then He would rather I not. He wants me to love him because I love him not because he told me to. The benefit of walking with Him (as opposed to all alone) is that I've got a really great helper and a very wise voice accompanying me along the way and the way becomes manageable as opposed to unbearable.
The kindergarten cause and effect lesson that I've learned in terms of this repeating scenario is that when I chose "the one good thing" and sit and the feet of Jesus life is beautiful, there’s meaning, joy and peace. I have the strength that I need to live, to move forward, and to tackle the tasks that present themselves. Time isn't an enemy because I can live in each moment. I increase and grow and feel revitalized just by breathing. When I Martha it up and forget that the answer to all of my questions is sitting on a chair in just the other room then I fall apart and time attacks me and I long for future moments, moments of escape from my labor, escape from the routine, escape from the machine.
I was thinking intently upon this little lesson this morning and I felt some powerful religiosity kick in. I became a tad bit angry with God for punishing me with the depression and weakness and what not during my little rendezvous away from Him. I was thinking precisely as every laborer does who has to perform and keep up to par. Then something inside of me tapped at my heart and whispered, "you don’t actually believe that do you?" I don’t believe God is punishing me for ignoring Him anymore than I believe He punishes someone for sticking their hand in fire. I believe that I need Him. I’m not saying that God doesn't punish people. I’m almost positive that He does. But I don’t believe that God gives me depression or weakness. I don’t believe that God even gets angry with me for my escapades.
Everything I've been learning lately pertains to the condition of my heart. I think that if I’m working on my relationship with God because I believe He’ll be angry or punish me otherwise then He would rather I not. He wants me to love him because I love him not because he told me to. The benefit of walking with Him (as opposed to all alone) is that I've got a really great helper and a very wise voice accompanying me along the way and the way becomes manageable as opposed to unbearable.
For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere.
Ps. 84:10
Thursday, February 11, 2010
AHHH!!!! (pulling hair), Day 43
Man has become a superman... But the superman with the superhuman power has not risen to the level of superhuman reason. To the degree to which his power grows he becomes more and more a poor man... It must shake up our conscience that we become all the more inhuman the more we grow into supermen.
-Albert Schweitzer (taken from "to have or to be?")
Sometimes, despite all of my attempting to seize the moment, attempting to “be,” sometimes I wish I had a little log cabin in some remote area where I could just escape from life. I would love to have a little garden that I could shop at instead of the grocery store. Maybe some chickens, maybe a cow. Even just the cabin to sit in and read, and sit, and sit, and then sit some more with no distractions or obligations.
Sometimes I think Thoreau was a genius. Sometimes I think maybe, just possibly we’ve all missed the point. Did God really intend for us to be THIS blessed? Honestly a little house on the prairie, without a microwave, washer and dryer, dishwasher, and 40 hour a week job with drive time, mandatory lunch breaks and the television to greet me when I get home sounds wonderful. I think we might have over evolved. I think we might just be idiots now, really super duperly accessorized idiots.
(Microsoft Word won’t let me add "duperly" to the dictionary... I could not resist sharing that)
-Albert Schweitzer (taken from "to have or to be?")
Sometimes, despite all of my attempting to seize the moment, attempting to “be,” sometimes I wish I had a little log cabin in some remote area where I could just escape from life. I would love to have a little garden that I could shop at instead of the grocery store. Maybe some chickens, maybe a cow. Even just the cabin to sit in and read, and sit, and sit, and then sit some more with no distractions or obligations.
Sometimes I think Thoreau was a genius. Sometimes I think maybe, just possibly we’ve all missed the point. Did God really intend for us to be THIS blessed? Honestly a little house on the prairie, without a microwave, washer and dryer, dishwasher, and 40 hour a week job with drive time, mandatory lunch breaks and the television to greet me when I get home sounds wonderful. I think we might have over evolved. I think we might just be idiots now, really super duperly accessorized idiots.
(Microsoft Word won’t let me add "duperly" to the dictionary... I could not resist sharing that)
My Dirty Rose Colored Glasses, Day 42
Spinoza gives joy a supreme place in his anthropological ethical system. "joy," he says, "is man's passage from a lesser to a greater perfection. Sorrow is man's passage from a greater to a less perfection"
-taken from "To have or to be?"
On Tuesday I read something which triggered a reminder that despite my circumstances I am responsible for choosing joy or not. I then said to myself, “Today I choose joy. Yay today is going to be fun.” I was thinking at that moment that no matter what presented itself it only mattered how I looked at it. My life was in my hands. I just had to look at everything through rose colored glasses (I believe that’s how the saying goes).
So I’ve had this brain condition for three straight days. I’m blaming it on the dentist. My brain has been trying to push my eyeballs out of their sockets in hopes that it might escape. The ligaments behind my eyes have been clinging to my cheekbones, my jaw, and the roots of my teeth in and extra desperate attempt to resist the pressure from my brain (not really but that’s how it feels). Every day for three days I’ve awoke with a massive headache, EVERYTHING in my head hurting, I’ve driven to work, struggled through work, driven home, exercised, made dinner, ate dinner, watched a movie with Jesse and then I’ve attempted to sleep. For three days my circumstances have been crap. I’ve been tired, in pain, and had not one second of down time for myself. I haven’t quite recovered from my cold and I’ve decided that a headache brings about severe depression (for me).
To reiterate, Tuesday I said to myself, “Today I choose joy. Yay today is going to be fun.” Circumstances prevailed however and Tuesday sucked. When I got home from work I was REALLY grouchy, I did not want to work out, I did not want to make dinner; I wanted to lie down and cease to exist. My loving husband had other plans. He forced me to endure a torturesome workout and a fearsome rage ensued. I wanted to scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum. I had zero control over myself. I worked out like some sort of a mental patient flailing my arms around and flopping on the ground in a way which slightly resembled pushups. It was quite the scene. Dinner was utterly unappetizing. And then we watched an awful movie. It was depressing (as if I wasn’t depressed enough), I hate movies with drugs in them, and it just ended. I don’t think there was any point to the dumb thing. It was awful. I very angrily, filled with terrible emotions let my dogs outside and straightened up a little in the kitchen. Rage, anger, depression, you name it bad emotions were boiling beneath my skin as I rinsed dishes and wiped down the counter in my kitchen. I brought the dogs inside and found Jesse sleeping, without having even mentioned he was going to bed. I just started crying. Shaking, overwhelmed, I sat sobbing holding a cup of hot cocoa that I thought would make everything a bit better. I didn’t even drink it. I just cried. I don’t know how long I sat there even. I couldn’t calm myself. (It wasn’t PMS)
My day of Joy turned out to be a giant headache. As I cried I was so hurt and so angry. “My house will never be clean… there will always be dirty dishes on the counter no matter how many I wash… there will always be clutter somewhere that I’m unable to tackle… work, work is never ending… Jesse cares more about me exercising then about me being happy… life sucks!” After a considerable amount of time and tears I pulled myself off the couch and headed to bed. I was trying so hard to not begin crying again but everything was awful. As my throat began to develop that painful lump that inevitably ensues from trying not to cry I thought to myself, “I just have to look at everything through rose colored glasses… be thankful.”
For a moment I very angrily told myself that I was thankful for NOTHING! Then I decided to behave. I ran every negative emotion through my mind and turned it around. “I am thankful that I have an enormous house that I can fill with anything and everything I wish and that I can clean or not clean, straighten or not straighten any or all of those things whenever I wish.” A tremendously freeing feeling came from this thought. “I am thankful that I had food tonite… it doesn’t matter how much time it took to prepare or what it was… I ate.” “I am thankful for my little family, Jesse, Bozzy, Maggie and Deedee. I really, REALLY love them all and they are mine and no one can change that and I love that.” With only a few thankful thoughts I calmed down instantly. I fell asleep possibly faster than I ever have and I think I had one moment of joy at least.
Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls--Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
Hab. 3:17-18
-taken from "To have or to be?"
On Tuesday I read something which triggered a reminder that despite my circumstances I am responsible for choosing joy or not. I then said to myself, “Today I choose joy. Yay today is going to be fun.” I was thinking at that moment that no matter what presented itself it only mattered how I looked at it. My life was in my hands. I just had to look at everything through rose colored glasses (I believe that’s how the saying goes).
So I’ve had this brain condition for three straight days. I’m blaming it on the dentist. My brain has been trying to push my eyeballs out of their sockets in hopes that it might escape. The ligaments behind my eyes have been clinging to my cheekbones, my jaw, and the roots of my teeth in and extra desperate attempt to resist the pressure from my brain (not really but that’s how it feels). Every day for three days I’ve awoke with a massive headache, EVERYTHING in my head hurting, I’ve driven to work, struggled through work, driven home, exercised, made dinner, ate dinner, watched a movie with Jesse and then I’ve attempted to sleep. For three days my circumstances have been crap. I’ve been tired, in pain, and had not one second of down time for myself. I haven’t quite recovered from my cold and I’ve decided that a headache brings about severe depression (for me).
To reiterate, Tuesday I said to myself, “Today I choose joy. Yay today is going to be fun.” Circumstances prevailed however and Tuesday sucked. When I got home from work I was REALLY grouchy, I did not want to work out, I did not want to make dinner; I wanted to lie down and cease to exist. My loving husband had other plans. He forced me to endure a torturesome workout and a fearsome rage ensued. I wanted to scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum. I had zero control over myself. I worked out like some sort of a mental patient flailing my arms around and flopping on the ground in a way which slightly resembled pushups. It was quite the scene. Dinner was utterly unappetizing. And then we watched an awful movie. It was depressing (as if I wasn’t depressed enough), I hate movies with drugs in them, and it just ended. I don’t think there was any point to the dumb thing. It was awful. I very angrily, filled with terrible emotions let my dogs outside and straightened up a little in the kitchen. Rage, anger, depression, you name it bad emotions were boiling beneath my skin as I rinsed dishes and wiped down the counter in my kitchen. I brought the dogs inside and found Jesse sleeping, without having even mentioned he was going to bed. I just started crying. Shaking, overwhelmed, I sat sobbing holding a cup of hot cocoa that I thought would make everything a bit better. I didn’t even drink it. I just cried. I don’t know how long I sat there even. I couldn’t calm myself. (It wasn’t PMS)
My day of Joy turned out to be a giant headache. As I cried I was so hurt and so angry. “My house will never be clean… there will always be dirty dishes on the counter no matter how many I wash… there will always be clutter somewhere that I’m unable to tackle… work, work is never ending… Jesse cares more about me exercising then about me being happy… life sucks!” After a considerable amount of time and tears I pulled myself off the couch and headed to bed. I was trying so hard to not begin crying again but everything was awful. As my throat began to develop that painful lump that inevitably ensues from trying not to cry I thought to myself, “I just have to look at everything through rose colored glasses… be thankful.”
For a moment I very angrily told myself that I was thankful for NOTHING! Then I decided to behave. I ran every negative emotion through my mind and turned it around. “I am thankful that I have an enormous house that I can fill with anything and everything I wish and that I can clean or not clean, straighten or not straighten any or all of those things whenever I wish.” A tremendously freeing feeling came from this thought. “I am thankful that I had food tonite… it doesn’t matter how much time it took to prepare or what it was… I ate.” “I am thankful for my little family, Jesse, Bozzy, Maggie and Deedee. I really, REALLY love them all and they are mine and no one can change that and I love that.” With only a few thankful thoughts I calmed down instantly. I fell asleep possibly faster than I ever have and I think I had one moment of joy at least.
Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls--Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
Hab. 3:17-18
Monday, February 8, 2010
Day 41
We’ve received our tax refund and although it’s basically all spent I have this false sense of wealth. I barely struggled with purchasing items during the month of January. Now that we’ve all this money in the bank (even though it’s already on its way out) I am feeling overwhelmingly compelled to spend as much as possible. Other than some very necessary purchases of 2 new pair of pants for myself (as none of mine fit any longer) and a few socks for Jesse who sadly has been wearing holey socks for several months, I’ve yet to cave to this overwhelming passion to acquire anything and everything. I did just purchase $15 Salmon; we’ve been eating $2.99 chicken every nite for as longer as I can remember.
It’s making me crazy having to resist this futile urge to possess. I’ve thus far avoided a new shower curtain and shower mat, new socks for myself, valentines gifts for each child in my Sunday school class, Burts Bees lip balm (because it was on clearance and I felt I needed it even though I have two sticks right now), several different articles of clothing (because I’m getting really excited about my newly acquired state of health)… the list goes on. Most of these items were in my cart at one point it time and I set them aside before I made it to the check out. An entire month of steadfast resisting and now I’m melting like wax.
I think I can persevere but I hate the pressure!!!
I REALLY want to buy valentines gifts for the little ones : (
BE BE BE!!!
It’s making me crazy having to resist this futile urge to possess. I’ve thus far avoided a new shower curtain and shower mat, new socks for myself, valentines gifts for each child in my Sunday school class, Burts Bees lip balm (because it was on clearance and I felt I needed it even though I have two sticks right now), several different articles of clothing (because I’m getting really excited about my newly acquired state of health)… the list goes on. Most of these items were in my cart at one point it time and I set them aside before I made it to the check out. An entire month of steadfast resisting and now I’m melting like wax.
I think I can persevere but I hate the pressure!!!
I REALLY want to buy valentines gifts for the little ones : (
BE BE BE!!!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I’m The Most Beautiful Me There Could Ever Be, Day 40
Our conscious motivations, ideas, and beliefs are a blend of false information, biases, irrational passions, rationalizations, prejudices, in which morsels of truth swim around and give the reassurance, albeit false, that the whole mixture is real and true.
-Erich Fromm
I like me. Sometimes I feel like a slob or that I’m slacking as a wife because I never make ANY attempt to look pretty. The thing is I don’t want to do my hair or straighten my hair or curl my hair or whatever because I’m really REALLY ok with my hair, the way it is, washed, air dried and really dark brown. (I am cutting it all off in the very near future though) I actually don’t like makeup because I think my eye lids are the perfect color already. I think that my lips are the exact shade and color that God intended them to be and I haven’t any desire to cover that up. I love that my cheeks have their own hue that changes throughout the day all on its own. I’m not really into plucking anything because I think everything is where is should be (for the most part). There’s this fabulous world of fashion, fame, money, and let’s face it beauty that’s shoved in front of us around every corner but I don’t think that world is real. It’s neat how someone totally “normal” looking can put on all the right stuff and become someone stunning. I don’t really believe there’s anything wrong with this. I haven’t anything against makeup. I think if you enjoy it then more power to you.
I do however think that there is something very wrong with the perception that we’re not beautiful without it. I think there’s something very wrong with the men out there that think a woman needs to look Hollywood in order to be sexy. And for that matter the woman out there that believe they aren’t sexy unless they look like the stars. Hollywood spends around 4-8 hours a day exercising, 0 hours a day eating, now they’re cutting the body parts off that they aren’t happy with and sewing on stuff they supposedly don’t have. Hollywood is comprised of puppet people. How is that beautiful? We’re told that it is. Someone somewhere is telling everyone that it is, but I’m not convinced. You know some tribe in Africa thinks you’re most beautiful depending on the immensity of the clay plate you’ve gauged into your bottom lip. They’re walking around with giant loops in their lips that they keep a plate in. How come we aren’t doing that… it’s beautiful? I’ve been thinking about this for a few days but when blogging time comes I keep forgetting about it.
I like that everything about me, with the exception of some extra fatty tissue, was given to me specifically by God. He designed me. I believe that He knew what he was doing when He created me. I believe that my eyes are the color He thinks is most beautiful for me. I believe that my hair is the color He chose for me. I believe that my skin is just how it should be (even if it is a little aged by the sun). I like me.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!
Ps 139:13-17
-Erich Fromm
I like me. Sometimes I feel like a slob or that I’m slacking as a wife because I never make ANY attempt to look pretty. The thing is I don’t want to do my hair or straighten my hair or curl my hair or whatever because I’m really REALLY ok with my hair, the way it is, washed, air dried and really dark brown. (I am cutting it all off in the very near future though) I actually don’t like makeup because I think my eye lids are the perfect color already. I think that my lips are the exact shade and color that God intended them to be and I haven’t any desire to cover that up. I love that my cheeks have their own hue that changes throughout the day all on its own. I’m not really into plucking anything because I think everything is where is should be (for the most part). There’s this fabulous world of fashion, fame, money, and let’s face it beauty that’s shoved in front of us around every corner but I don’t think that world is real. It’s neat how someone totally “normal” looking can put on all the right stuff and become someone stunning. I don’t really believe there’s anything wrong with this. I haven’t anything against makeup. I think if you enjoy it then more power to you.
I do however think that there is something very wrong with the perception that we’re not beautiful without it. I think there’s something very wrong with the men out there that think a woman needs to look Hollywood in order to be sexy. And for that matter the woman out there that believe they aren’t sexy unless they look like the stars. Hollywood spends around 4-8 hours a day exercising, 0 hours a day eating, now they’re cutting the body parts off that they aren’t happy with and sewing on stuff they supposedly don’t have. Hollywood is comprised of puppet people. How is that beautiful? We’re told that it is. Someone somewhere is telling everyone that it is, but I’m not convinced. You know some tribe in Africa thinks you’re most beautiful depending on the immensity of the clay plate you’ve gauged into your bottom lip. They’re walking around with giant loops in their lips that they keep a plate in. How come we aren’t doing that… it’s beautiful? I’ve been thinking about this for a few days but when blogging time comes I keep forgetting about it.
I like that everything about me, with the exception of some extra fatty tissue, was given to me specifically by God. He designed me. I believe that He knew what he was doing when He created me. I believe that my eyes are the color He thinks is most beautiful for me. I believe that my hair is the color He chose for me. I believe that my skin is just how it should be (even if it is a little aged by the sun). I like me.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!
Ps 139:13-17
Saturday, February 6, 2010
These two tiny eyes, Day 39
Indeed, to one for whom having is the main form of relatedness to the world, ideas that cannot easily be pinned down (or penned down) are frightening- like everything else that grows and changes, and thus is not controllable.
-Erich Fromm
I bet that there’s something to be learned from every single person on this planet. I’m certain that you know something that I don’t. What if I looked at all of the people I encounter from this perspective? What if I operated out of respect towards EVERYONE? If I could truly walk in humility, eyes wide open expecting to learn and grow and increase because I know that you have something to offer the world which I do not, everyone would look amazing to me. Everyone would be intriguing and interesting and worthwhile. Pride’s a funny thing, with all its pomp and grandeur it keeps the one who owns it from increasing.
I feel like I am constantly wanting to share what I know with everyone. I feel like I pick apart what people offer based on my current position of understanding. As much as I’d like too, I rarely look at life through someone else’s perspective. I “have” all sorts of knowledge and info and life experiences of my own. I’ve worked to obtain them. My sweat and my tears have caused me to acquire them. Somehow this makes my knowledge more valuable to me than yours. But I dare say “my” knowledge is lacking perspective. I can’t see everything the way it truly is through these two tiny eyes. I do believe that you have something to offer on which I’ve never dined. Here’s to stepping out from behind pride.
If everyone valued everyone else, this would be a different world indeed. This is what I’m thinking about today, and hopefully for many many days to come.
Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
Matt 5:44-45
-Erich Fromm
I bet that there’s something to be learned from every single person on this planet. I’m certain that you know something that I don’t. What if I looked at all of the people I encounter from this perspective? What if I operated out of respect towards EVERYONE? If I could truly walk in humility, eyes wide open expecting to learn and grow and increase because I know that you have something to offer the world which I do not, everyone would look amazing to me. Everyone would be intriguing and interesting and worthwhile. Pride’s a funny thing, with all its pomp and grandeur it keeps the one who owns it from increasing.
I feel like I am constantly wanting to share what I know with everyone. I feel like I pick apart what people offer based on my current position of understanding. As much as I’d like too, I rarely look at life through someone else’s perspective. I “have” all sorts of knowledge and info and life experiences of my own. I’ve worked to obtain them. My sweat and my tears have caused me to acquire them. Somehow this makes my knowledge more valuable to me than yours. But I dare say “my” knowledge is lacking perspective. I can’t see everything the way it truly is through these two tiny eyes. I do believe that you have something to offer on which I’ve never dined. Here’s to stepping out from behind pride.
If everyone valued everyone else, this would be a different world indeed. This is what I’m thinking about today, and hopefully for many many days to come.
Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
Matt 5:44-45
Friday, February 5, 2010
Day 38
My head hurts, my nose if full of something... not good, my throat isn't so soar anymore. Colds suck. I am going to sleep and I am going to wake up happy about the new day because I won't have to work and because I can sleep in and I'll be 5 days without coffee so the side effects from the purge should be close to gone now. I'm trying to not look forward but rather to just always be looking. Tonite... I'm just looking forward.
Two great posts in a row. I am on a roll. (very un-emphatically) Yeah...
Two great posts in a row. I am on a roll. (very un-emphatically) Yeah...
Good Morning, Day 37
I wake up every morning and I've got nothing. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I don't want to get out of bed. It's a brand new day and I feel like I've got the weight of everyday I've seen thus far pressing down upon my shoulders.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Update, Day 36
Thirty six days of blogging. I made it through a month.
Three days of no coffee. I'm sicker than a dog (whatever that means). I honestly think I might have gotten sick because my body freaked out from not having high dosages of caffine... alough it may have been an over exposure to lots of sick kids at a birthday party last weekend. I haven't been sick since last July though so I'm gonna blame it on the caffine withdrawl. (I also haven't been taking Vitamin C regularly which I think is a miracle pill)
I've learned two new words in Spanish. So I've got some major catching up to do.
And I've gotten rid of 16 unused items from my home. Again, I'm behind a bit.
So far so good. This experiance has been great. I'd be thrilled if more people were reading and I'd possibly do a flip (or maybe a sommersault) if someone actually left a comment. But for my own benefit this blogging thing has been wonderful. I've grown alot in the past month. I've spent some very valuable time thinking and appreciating life, which I may have not done otherwise. I've embarked upon several new chapters with my Father God that I am utterly amazed at.
Everyday is a new day.
Three days of no coffee. I'm sicker than a dog (whatever that means). I honestly think I might have gotten sick because my body freaked out from not having high dosages of caffine... alough it may have been an over exposure to lots of sick kids at a birthday party last weekend. I haven't been sick since last July though so I'm gonna blame it on the caffine withdrawl. (I also haven't been taking Vitamin C regularly which I think is a miracle pill)
I've learned two new words in Spanish. So I've got some major catching up to do.
And I've gotten rid of 16 unused items from my home. Again, I'm behind a bit.
So far so good. This experiance has been great. I'd be thrilled if more people were reading and I'd possibly do a flip (or maybe a sommersault) if someone actually left a comment. But for my own benefit this blogging thing has been wonderful. I've grown alot in the past month. I've spent some very valuable time thinking and appreciating life, which I may have not done otherwise. I've embarked upon several new chapters with my Father God that I am utterly amazed at.
Everyday is a new day.
Bordered by Frogs, Day 35
Predominantly “having” relationships are heavy, burdened, filled with conflicts and jealousies.
-Erich Fromm
I am completely overwhelmed by all of my things. I’m looking around my room and there are hundreds of things surrounding me. There are things on the walls, on the floor, things in things, and under things; stuff is everywhere. In order to embark upon somewhat of a “being” existence as opposed to a “having” one I have decided to let go of 365 things this year. I truly thought this task would be an easy one. My home is home to literally thousands of things. However I’m finding that even the smallest of items, ones I never use and some I wasn’t aware I had I’m struggling immensely with the idea of losing. “I’m sure who ever gave that to me wished much joy from my using it… I can’t get rid of it.” “I know I’ll NEED that item someday… not sure when, but I know I will.” “I’ve gotten so much use out of it, even though it’s no longer useful… I should just keep it around.” At least a quarter of the stuff in this house isn’t even mine or my husbands. We’ve an entire basement and second floor filled with other people’s things. Even these I’m unable to dispose of. I imagine someone at some point in time might miss it, even though it’s been in my house for over 5 years and no one’s inquired of it yet. Oh, my goodness this grand plan of mine is turning out to be torturesome.
I’m looking at all this stuff while holding so tightly onto it despite its worthlessness and I can’t help but picture the individuals all over this planet with a grand sum total of maybe a dozen things which belong to them. I feel greedy, wasteful, and stupid. I need not one of these things which I own in order to be me, not one. Actually if I were to try and picture my house void of all the wasteful stuff inhabiting it, well it’s quite picturesque, lovely in fact. The feelings I have associated with that vision are feelings of peace, tranquility, and freedom. I want to get rid of all these things so why am I holding so tightly onto them?
If you refuse to let go, behold, I will smite all your borders with frogs.
Ex. 8:2
This verse is pretty irrelevant but I like it because all the waste I’m living with is sort of like being surrounded by frogs : )
-Erich Fromm
I am completely overwhelmed by all of my things. I’m looking around my room and there are hundreds of things surrounding me. There are things on the walls, on the floor, things in things, and under things; stuff is everywhere. In order to embark upon somewhat of a “being” existence as opposed to a “having” one I have decided to let go of 365 things this year. I truly thought this task would be an easy one. My home is home to literally thousands of things. However I’m finding that even the smallest of items, ones I never use and some I wasn’t aware I had I’m struggling immensely with the idea of losing. “I’m sure who ever gave that to me wished much joy from my using it… I can’t get rid of it.” “I know I’ll NEED that item someday… not sure when, but I know I will.” “I’ve gotten so much use out of it, even though it’s no longer useful… I should just keep it around.” At least a quarter of the stuff in this house isn’t even mine or my husbands. We’ve an entire basement and second floor filled with other people’s things. Even these I’m unable to dispose of. I imagine someone at some point in time might miss it, even though it’s been in my house for over 5 years and no one’s inquired of it yet. Oh, my goodness this grand plan of mine is turning out to be torturesome.
I’m looking at all this stuff while holding so tightly onto it despite its worthlessness and I can’t help but picture the individuals all over this planet with a grand sum total of maybe a dozen things which belong to them. I feel greedy, wasteful, and stupid. I need not one of these things which I own in order to be me, not one. Actually if I were to try and picture my house void of all the wasteful stuff inhabiting it, well it’s quite picturesque, lovely in fact. The feelings I have associated with that vision are feelings of peace, tranquility, and freedom. I want to get rid of all these things so why am I holding so tightly onto them?
If you refuse to let go, behold, I will smite all your borders with frogs.
Ex. 8:2
This verse is pretty irrelevant but I like it because all the waste I’m living with is sort of like being surrounded by frogs : )
Monday, February 1, 2010
All you who Labor, Day 34
I stumbled upon the “come to me, all you who labor…” verse again and the first thing that came to my mind was Martha; Martha who was drawn away by much serving. Later I came across the verse that talks of those who will say “Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?” I couldn’t help but think that these folks who Jesus never knew, whom he commanded to depart from Him, that they hadn’t chosen the one good thing. They were drawn away with much serving. They were laborers who hadn’t ever come to Him, even though they apparently thought they were working for Him. (God doesn’t want laborers. He wants children.)
The next verse I must place into this dish is, I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger… I was naked… I was sick… I was in prison… This one caused me to immediately revert back to my familiar way of thinking. “I better go find some people to help out.” I searched out this dilemma in my mind for a moment (where might I find these people to serve) and then I remembered: intimacy precedes fruitfulness.
My heart is completely transforming within me. I’m beginning to see things in an entirely new light, and it is a magnificently glorious light. Christianity has always been a walk of sacrifice, servitude, surrender, and struggle for me. I’ve been one who labors for as long as I’ve known of Jesus Christ. And now, all of the sudden, out of no where, I have a Father in heaven who desires to spend time with me. He wants me to speak with Him. He desires to pour blessings over me and to cover me with His love. All of the sudden I hear Jesus say, “come to me, you who labors,” and every thing He ever taught looks differently. I’m not to feed the hungry and tend to the sick because that is a job that needs to be done, or because it is a command that has been given but because of love. If the love isn’t there in the first place then the act becomes an act of labor that will draw the laborer away from the one good thing.
The greatest commandment is to love God and the second is to love your neighbor. If I love then my movement, my actions, my life will be an act of love. I will feed the hungry because I love them. I will visit those imprisoned because I love them. If I miss the greatest commandment but still try and follow all the others, then I will be drawn away by much serving. I will be a laborer who needs to come to Jesus in order to find rest. I am going to rest now.
I haven’t a single solitary clue as to how I missed this all these years. Woah…
The next verse I must place into this dish is, I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger… I was naked… I was sick… I was in prison… This one caused me to immediately revert back to my familiar way of thinking. “I better go find some people to help out.” I searched out this dilemma in my mind for a moment (where might I find these people to serve) and then I remembered: intimacy precedes fruitfulness.
My heart is completely transforming within me. I’m beginning to see things in an entirely new light, and it is a magnificently glorious light. Christianity has always been a walk of sacrifice, servitude, surrender, and struggle for me. I’ve been one who labors for as long as I’ve known of Jesus Christ. And now, all of the sudden, out of no where, I have a Father in heaven who desires to spend time with me. He wants me to speak with Him. He desires to pour blessings over me and to cover me with His love. All of the sudden I hear Jesus say, “come to me, you who labors,” and every thing He ever taught looks differently. I’m not to feed the hungry and tend to the sick because that is a job that needs to be done, or because it is a command that has been given but because of love. If the love isn’t there in the first place then the act becomes an act of labor that will draw the laborer away from the one good thing.
The greatest commandment is to love God and the second is to love your neighbor. If I love then my movement, my actions, my life will be an act of love. I will feed the hungry because I love them. I will visit those imprisoned because I love them. If I miss the greatest commandment but still try and follow all the others, then I will be drawn away by much serving. I will be a laborer who needs to come to Jesus in order to find rest. I am going to rest now.
I haven’t a single solitary clue as to how I missed this all these years. Woah…
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