My Dirty Rose Colored Glasses, Day 42

Spinoza gives joy a supreme place in his anthropological ethical system. "joy," he says, "is man's passage from a lesser to a greater perfection. Sorrow is man's passage from a greater to a less perfection"
-taken from "To have or to be?"

On Tuesday I read something which triggered a reminder that despite my circumstances I am responsible for choosing joy or not. I then said to myself, “Today I choose joy. Yay today is going to be fun.” I was thinking at that moment that no matter what presented itself it only mattered how I looked at it. My life was in my hands. I just had to look at everything through rose colored glasses (I believe that’s how the saying goes).

So I’ve had this brain condition for three straight days. I’m blaming it on the dentist. My brain has been trying to push my eyeballs out of their sockets in hopes that it might escape. The ligaments behind my eyes have been clinging to my cheekbones, my jaw, and the roots of my teeth in and extra desperate attempt to resist the pressure from my brain (not really but that’s how it feels). Every day for three days I’ve awoke with a massive headache, EVERYTHING in my head hurting, I’ve driven to work, struggled through work, driven home, exercised, made dinner, ate dinner, watched a movie with Jesse and then I’ve attempted to sleep. For three days my circumstances have been crap. I’ve been tired, in pain, and had not one second of down time for myself. I haven’t quite recovered from my cold and I’ve decided that a headache brings about severe depression (for me).

To reiterate, Tuesday I said to myself, “Today I choose joy. Yay today is going to be fun.” Circumstances prevailed however and Tuesday sucked. When I got home from work I was REALLY grouchy, I did not want to work out, I did not want to make dinner; I wanted to lie down and cease to exist. My loving husband had other plans. He forced me to endure a torturesome workout and a fearsome rage ensued. I wanted to scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum. I had zero control over myself. I worked out like some sort of a mental patient flailing my arms around and flopping on the ground in a way which slightly resembled pushups. It was quite the scene. Dinner was utterly unappetizing. And then we watched an awful movie. It was depressing (as if I wasn’t depressed enough), I hate movies with drugs in them, and it just ended. I don’t think there was any point to the dumb thing. It was awful. I very angrily, filled with terrible emotions let my dogs outside and straightened up a little in the kitchen. Rage, anger, depression, you name it bad emotions were boiling beneath my skin as I rinsed dishes and wiped down the counter in my kitchen. I brought the dogs inside and found Jesse sleeping, without having even mentioned he was going to bed. I just started crying. Shaking, overwhelmed, I sat sobbing holding a cup of hot cocoa that I thought would make everything a bit better. I didn’t even drink it. I just cried. I don’t know how long I sat there even. I couldn’t calm myself. (It wasn’t PMS)

My day of Joy turned out to be a giant headache. As I cried I was so hurt and so angry. “My house will never be clean… there will always be dirty dishes on the counter no matter how many I wash… there will always be clutter somewhere that I’m unable to tackle… work, work is never ending… Jesse cares more about me exercising then about me being happy… life sucks!” After a considerable amount of time and tears I pulled myself off the couch and headed to bed. I was trying so hard to not begin crying again but everything was awful. As my throat began to develop that painful lump that inevitably ensues from trying not to cry I thought to myself, “I just have to look at everything through rose colored glasses… be thankful.”

For a moment I very angrily told myself that I was thankful for NOTHING! Then I decided to behave. I ran every negative emotion through my mind and turned it around. “I am thankful that I have an enormous house that I can fill with anything and everything I wish and that I can clean or not clean, straighten or not straighten any or all of those things whenever I wish.” A tremendously freeing feeling came from this thought. “I am thankful that I had food tonite… it doesn’t matter how much time it took to prepare or what it was… I ate.” “I am thankful for my little family, Jesse, Bozzy, Maggie and Deedee. I really, REALLY love them all and they are mine and no one can change that and I love that.” With only a few thankful thoughts I calmed down instantly. I fell asleep possibly faster than I ever have and I think I had one moment of joy at least.

Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls--Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
Hab. 3:17-18