Day 112

Life is worth stopping to consider every now and again. Far to often we think we're living when in fact we're just existing.

Today was a new day 111

Practically every single morning I thank God for the new day. Recently I began thinking about how not new most of my days are. I tend to wake at the same time, eat the same things, perform the same tasks, and while I execute a similar routine most of the time I’m not living a very new day. I almost in a way “have” a lifestyle. I could easily write in a few short paragraphs what “my” day or “my” life consists of.

The reason I thank God for the new day almost every morning is because of the potential each new day holds. I’m excited by this potential practically every morning. There is so much growth in change, in seeing things under a new light, and in walking down new paths. But I generally neglect to discover any newness as I trudge though each new day.

Today I decided to mix it up a little. I drove a different way to work. I was still driving, and I was still heading to work but the change in scenery encouraged me to study the world I was viewing instead of robotically passing through it. I really enjoyed the slower pace and the visual feast during the new ride. For lunch I went out of my way again to stop at a little place I like but hardly frequent. My lunch was scrumptious. The event of going somewhere different was invigorating and the change definitely refueled me. On the way home from work I listened to news radio. I’m not sure I should be admitting this for one reason or the exact other, but I’ve never listened to new radio before. I usually drive home in silence, strange yes, but habitual. My last vehicle only had a tape player and my I-pod adapter tape didn’t work. I can’t stand listening to the music on the radio and SO I am used to silence while driving. I LOVED news radio. They were talking about illegal immigration laws and I was intrigued the entire 30 minutes I listened.

In conclusion we each tend to “have” a day, a day we live out every single day, apart from vacations, special events and days off (even though days off usually are identical). Maybe the grandeur isn’t at all within the vacation itself but more simply contained within the newness that a vacation presents. I sought out newness today and I dare say I found a pleasant refreshing along the path I trod.

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Ps. 118:24

Listless, Day 110

There was a period of time when I felt that God had told me to not write any lists. It was odd, yes, but I felt very strongly that He wanted me to do what needed to be done when the time arose. I wasn’t to be thinking about what I would be doing in the future or what needed attending to. I was only to focus on the task at hand. I can’t remember how long ago it was that I lived by the no list rule but I do remember that it was nice. Sometimes I just wanted to grab a pen and make a list but I always refrained and as far I knew everything always managed to get done. The thing I missed most was crossing things off the list but the peace of mind that came from living in the moment instead of looking towards the unfinished future was more rewarding than that little act of putting a line through a completed task. It’s been quite some time since my no list days. I’m not sure when or why I began to jot down tasks again.

I’ve felt so busy, so overwhelmed, and so tired lately. At least for now I’ve decided to reinstate the no list lifestyle. I just deleted the to do list I keep on my desktop and I already feel a little freedom creeping in.

A light to my eyes, Day 109

I drove past a perfectly picturesque little white house today. There was a small white bench out front, a cute hanging cottagy sign, and a window box full of flowers. The landscaping was quaint; flowerbeds overflowing with a vast assortment of vegetation. A smile crossed my face as I gazed upon the establishment.

As I fight to overcome the influences of the consumerist society I’ve been raised in I tend to forget that there is some good to be found in the little things we surround ourselves with. I saw that little home with its bench and sign, its flower box and flowers and I could almost picture the person living inside. Some of the things we acquire and the things we display are really just extensions of who we are. We don’t need them in order to be. They don’t define our being but rather they reflect it. Some things help to better tell the story of the individual who owns them. I was reminded of that today and it was nice to find joy, rather than repulsion in a little bit of luxury.

I believe that I’ve been called to be a blessing, that everything I own was given to us by God and that He desires for me to use what He’s bestowed upon me to bless the people He places within my path. Sometimes I forget that He desires equally so to bless me as well.

The poor and the oppressor have this in common--the LORD gives light to the eyes of both.
Prov. 29:13

Day 108

I'm genuinley scared to add all of my recent purchases to the list. Today was Jesse's birthday. I couldn't stray from my "having" existence. I couldn't think of something creative, something that would increase who we are. I had to purchase THINGS to HAVE for him. It would have been mean of me not to. Yet the simple act of purchasing this THING, and that THING, and another THING has already weakened my resistance. I bought 4 pretty unecessary things for myself today and I forsee a considerable amount of purchasing in the near future. I think I'm going to have to get really creative and really disciplined really quickly or I'll be right back where I started.

Day 107

I was going to blog today about the talking experiment. But in all honestety I've hardly talked today. Weird.

Talking about being, Day 106

I meant to do this earlier but it slipped my mind. I am going to focus for the next week (at least) on how I talk. I'm not referring to positive speaking. I’m not talking about complimenting others or being friendly. I am going to spend a week paying attention to how I speak concerning “having” and “being.” Every time I say “MY,” I will be speaking from a “having” existence. Every time I use the word “HAVE,” I will be speaking from a “having” existence. The first time I thought about this little exercise I realized that it would be quite difficult to speak apart from a “having” existence. You’d be surprised how many times in a single sentence we “have” something or something belongs to us. This is why I’ve put this off for so long. I’m not going to try and change the way I talk but I am going to think about it and work on it for one week. Here goes…

Vacation, Day 105

We were supposed to be in Chicago right now. Both of us have been looking forward to this for months. Perfectly well formed plans were ready to be executed: Giordano’s pizza, cheesecake factory, Jamba Juice, Michigan Ave, and a concert from possibly Jesse’s favorite musical artist. And then a volcano erupted in Iceland, a huge could of ashy volcanic debris filled the Northern hemisphere of the planet earth, and possibly Jesse’s favorite musical artist was stranded in Britain having to cancel the US tour.

After battling the initial shock and depression caused by the volcanic eruption in our plans we realized we needed to figure out what we were going to do with our two day vacation. Chicago was pretty much out. It’s a long drive and without a specific purpose (shopping does not cut it anymore) it’s not wise to go all that way just for pizza and cheesecake.

We decided upon a little road trip to Michigan City with various stops along the way to and fro. I felt somewhat heavy laden about the entire situation because I knew that a lot of purchasing and craving would be involved in these new plans. I was afraid that our vacation would be about buying. The facts that we’ve little extra money to spend and that I want to enjoy life without needing to spend money were haunting me the night before our little road trip.

Michigan City turned out well. We enjoyed ourselves and purchased very little. Our next big plan involved a burger place owning a very distinct billboard that we’ve seen hundreds of times as we’ve driven to Chicago. Redamacks with their black and white sketch of a boy’s head biting into a giant hamburger has called out to Jesse for years to “come and dine at our establishment. “ So we went. The burgers were great, big, and greasy. The adventure was priceless, looking for and driving to a place we’ve wondered about for so long, passing shop after shop after intriguing eclectic shop.

After our big fat greasy burgers we planned to drive about an hour to an ice cream shop that someone recommended. We saw another billboard that has called to us for years and we decided to detour from our ice cream escapade in order to visit The Chocolate Garden. It was exciting pulling off the highway to find yet another little curiosity. We drove past more neat looking places that if one had the time and money enough to truly enjoy one could spend days just stopping at and perusing. We passed them all in hopes of finding The Chocolate Garden. We were in a very rural area with apple trees all around us. The trees haven’t any leaves yet but most of them were covered in pink and white blossoms. We saw the sign and pulled up to a little green and white countryside home in the middle of a pink apple blossom field. The surroundings were worth the trip. Everything was so picturesque, almost fairy tale. We purchased 4 large delicious chocolaty truffles and resumed our trip to the ice cream shop.

Sherman’s Dairy bar was AMAZING. There were flavors galore. The one scoop of chocolaty chocolate madness whatever the crazy chocolate concoction we ordered was, was gargantuan. We both had brown lips and chocolate ice cream all over our faces. After our ice cream we drove to Saugatuck to climb mount baldy’s 500 or so stairs. Then we walked along the pathway on the dune. After we got home (and did our workout) we decided to walk to the most famous pizza place in Michigan (which happens to be just a few blocks from our house). Of course they don’t take credit cards so we had to walk many MANY blocks from our house to the downtown ATM, then back to the pizza place, and then we got to eat the most famous pizza in Michigan. All in all we probably spent less than half of what it would have cost to go to Chicago. We enjoyed visiting a bunch of different little businesses and we had a really great day together. It wasn’t about having. It wasn’t about buying. The entire day ended up being about experiencing and about enjoying each other. It was great!

Tank top, T-shirt, shorts, Day 104

I purchased 3 brand new clothing items today. Jesse and I went to the Lighthouse place outlet mall in Michigan City as a part of our mini vacation. We spent a few hours walking and looking and walking and looking. It’s strange to me how much both of us have changed, grown up, matured.


As we went through each store and saw shiny new items, items that would be really nice to have but that we do not need, we ooed and awed and picked things up and talked of how nice this or that was but apart from 4 items that will genuinely benefit our lives we didn’t purchase the glorious odds and end. We didn’t buy a new watch even though it’d be wonderful if Jesse had one while he was at work. We didn’t buy any sunglasses even though Jesse tried on 20 pairs. We didn’t buy any new shoes (They have a crocs outlet there). Jesse’s shoes are falling apart but there wasn’t anything GREAT. I’ve resolved to not purchase any new shoes this year. We only bought a few articles of clothing and the many many others we just walked away from.

In years past we would have had our plastic money and we would have enjoyed a euphoric shopping spree. We both would definitely have found some shoes we didn’t need but acquired anyhow. There’d have been bags of new clothing in the back seat of our car. Several gift items would have been purchased for our nieces and nephews. We spent several hours shopping today, we enjoyed ourselves and had good time, and we hardly even spent any money. This is progress.

Day 103

Today: trying not to be overwhelmed by life. Tomorrow: trying to enjoy everything about the day without spending, spending, spending. Also, I want to make sure to appreciate what I already have instead of trying to have more.

Day 102

There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world--how she may please her husband.

1 Corinthians 7:34

I’ve never liked this verse much but it came to mind this morning when I was thinking about responsibilities. This can very appropriately be applied to so many areas in our lives. For example there is a difference between a homeowner and one who owns nothing. The one who owns nothing [has more opportunity to] cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy in body and spirit. But she who owns property cares about the things of the world—how she may maintain her property. The same could be said about a vehicle, or employment, or children; any responsibility we take on does in a way distract us from the things of the Lord. This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t get married, or own a home, or own a car, or have a job, or have children but it’s something to think about. How much responsibility can each one of us actually handle? We all HAVE so much.

REST, Day 101

It's finally the weekend. I can finally take time to stop and to breathe and to smell the tulips and regroup. I intend to do just that. Unfortunatley I think I'm going to have to tackle a list of chores that have been building up in my mind inorder to adequetly get rid of this anxiety I've been dealing with. I can picture the list although I havent written it and I see it unrolling like a scroll from my hands to my knees to my feet and then it just keeps rolling. It'll be ok though. I am also hoping to use some of my creative talents for something productive in these next few days of down time (or should I say institution/ employer free time). Aside from these things I think I can reclaim some calm in this overly anylized life I live. Ahhhh... for the weekend, for peace, for rest, for being able to live life the way I so choose.

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17

What if… Day 100

What if, and this is a big what if, what if Mary was doing exactly what she should have been doing in sitting at Jesus’ feet and Martha too was doing exactly what she should have been doing in serving? The scriptures present a very confusing duality. At certain points we are called to be children of God, sons and daughters, partakers in the inheritance. At times the scriptures implore us to rest, to worship, and to simply draw near to the Father. But at other points in scripture we are called to be servants, laborers, instruments to be used for the kingdom. At times the scriptures call for obedience, sacrifice, and hardship. These two entirely separate calls, in my opinion anyhow, hardly seem compatible.

But what if Mary acting as a child of God was right where she needed to be at that moment and Martha acting as a servant was right where she needed to be at that moment also? I believe that Mary was operating out of Love and adoration for Jesus. Martha however was drawn away with much serving. She was operating out of obedience and sacrifice. Prov. 25:12 says that care/ anxiety causes depression, or causes the heart to stoop or become low. It seems that those who are called to service, to labor, to sacrifice would generally, like Martha be retaining too much anxiety. But Prov. 25:12 also says that a good word causes the heart to rejoice. “In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God.” If we focus on thee good Word and labor, serve, and sacrifice out of love then we won’t likely be drawn away, or cast down, or become depressed. I believe we’ve been called to serve out of love, we’ve been called to sacrifice out of adoration, and we’ve been called to be obedient out of respect and passion.

I couldn’t ever see it before but the two seemingly separate calls to son-ship and to servant-hood may just possibly be one and the same. We just need to learn how to serve with the heart of a son. I think we put way to much stock in DOING good and we forget that we need to BE good. All those "have tos" lose their meaning when we stop doing them out of love and compassion. I've been a "have to" robot lately, a bit like the tin man, I've lost my heart in all of these mechanics. I'm nothing without a heart.

Once again is shows its ugly head, Day 99

It's been one of those weeks (and it's only Wednesday). That's what they say "one of those"... It always strikes me as odd when depression comes out of nowhere. Who knows why or whence it came but BAM it's here. I know it won't hang around long and I can take it, however it does sure complicate life in the mean time.

I've been adamantly trying to focus, trying to look for the positive, notice the beautiful, and recognize purpose but it's been difficult to just get out of bed in the morning. Leaving my home sweet messy home and forcing myself with every ounce of energy I can muster to go to work and then arriving at work empty from the mere struggle of waking, moving, and leaving the house; this is one set of obstacles that shouldn't actually be obstacles.

I am currently surrounded by books, books that are calling to something inside of me, something inside of me that heart wrenchingly desires to read each of them NOW. But I can't seem to open even one. The mere thought of peaking at a single page tires me. My home is collecting rubbish, just sheets that need changing, floors that need sweeping, a carpet that might tear up at any moment (if it were possible) due to its longing to be vacuumed, and kitchen counters that could use a simple scrubbing but my eyes are heavy just thinking about it. This is the worst one of them all, I’m too tired to sleep. I lay down and close my eyes but the pictures of the exhausting scenes just keep replaying behind my eyelids. And sleep evades me. There are things in one’s life that one should just let go, let be, save until tomorrow. But there are times in one’s life when tomorrow looms and looks grave and those things that should be let go cling like shackles.

I generally enjoy cleaning my home. I generally like to wake up each morning. I generally will read a book during any free moment I find. This week doesn’t fit in with generally and it’s exhausting.

Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression (I just found this… I guess I need to try a bit harder to let all the little things go (but I’m afraid I’m not sure how))

P.S. You can pray for me if you’d like. The depression will leave, but sooner would be better than later.

44. Joya – Gem, Jew, Precious, Wonderful
45. Casi – almost, nearly

Tired, Day 98

I'm having one of those to tired to think days. I experiance far to many of those and I'm not really even sure why. Ugh.

Oh, how I wish I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest!

Psalms 55:6

What’s in that big box, Day 97

I know that God will meet all of my needs according to His riches and glory but it’s beyond fascinating just resting in faith while not being able to see His plans. I thoroughly enjoy waiting on the Lord to provide because in those situations it’s not about me. It’s not about how hard I’ve worked. It’s not about how successful I’ve been. It’s not about my striving and toiling and effort. It’s one hundred percent about God’s faithfulness, about His plan, and His love for me. It’s almost like Christmas because you know there’s a gift in that big box but you haven’t a clue what it is, or how big it is, or how little it is, but just that it is.

This morning there was a $600 deadline for my upcoming trip to Guatemala. I don’t have $600 and I had only collected $75. I went to church praying that God would provide even though I knew it was a stretch. Someone at church let me know that she’ll be giving me money next week. I was immensely blessed by that even though I still wouldn’t meet the deadline. I went to the meeting with my $75 and even though it wasn’t a problem (my missing the deadline) I felt a little down, like maybe I’d done something wrong to not have collected the full $600. Kind of like when a kid opens the big box and the gift inside isn’t that great. Sometimes the kid wonders that if maybe she had been better then maybe the gift would have been better. It was only a tiny feeling poking around somewhere in my heart but it was there none the less.

My sister messaged me this afternoon to let me know that our grandpa (who was the supplier of the $75) had sent our support letter to everyone he knows. I feel like that tiny poking feeling from this morning has transformed into a fire ball of hope, gratitude, appreciation, and thankfulness (I realize that’s all the same word but I felt it necessary). I know that God will meet all of my needs according to His riches and glory and it is beyond fascinating just resting in faith and watching His plans unfold before me.

Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? "So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?”
Matthew 6: 27-30

All of the little things, Day 96

Optimist: Day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
-Mark Twain

I tried to take note of everything that brought me joy today.

My first big accomplishment was jogging almost 2 miles bright and early this morning. It was challenging but I just kept pushing myself. For the last three blocks I struggled profusely at making it to my goal. I am very good at ALMOST accomplishing everything I set out to do. For those last few blocks I just kept pushing and pushing. I tried to distract myself by looking towards the sunrise. It was so beautiful. I just kept jogging and looking at the sky, jogging and looking at the sky. I jogged my entire route without walking once. I cannot truly express the sheer joy and satisfaction I felt and now have from accomplishing something so difficult yet so rewarding.

After my jog I went to the library. I am so mesmerized by libraries, enormous storehouses of books that anyone and everyone can take home anytime they like. Whoever devised the idea of the public library is a hero in my book. My library outing was a very joyful moment of today.

As I drove home I noticed a bird standing next to a puddle. The water was flat like glass and the bird’s reflection was a perfect replica of the original. I love reflections in water. The bird just stood alongside his perfectly picturesque sized puddle with the brilliant reflection stemming out from his feet as if he was posing for a portrait or a painting. I found joy in that.

I listened to music as I made my delicious breakfast. I often neglect music. I think I’m overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of my collection and I cannot ever think of the perfect album or artist to coincide with the moment I’m in and so I simply continue to exist in silence. However those moments when I resist the impending imperfection and just push play are almost always exquisite. Today owned one such moment. “My Island” by Starflyer 59 never gets old and always adds joy to the moment.

After I’d set out to do all that my morning called for (with the exception of my ab work out) I decided to complete things with my ab workout. I hate, despise, detest, and never look forward to this “have to.” As I sat between sets my little Bozz gently pushed his head under my arm and looked up at me with those sweet loving eyes of his. He snuggled me and gave me a little Bozzy kiss. Which is generally rare compared to our little Maggie Honey who deals out kisses as if it were her mission in life. He then walked away and Maggie took her turn. They’re loving little dogs but the affection was very much out of the blue and perfectly timed.

Lastly, and it’s a shame that my day ends at 3:00PM I was overwhelmed with joy at seeing my family today and specifically my nieces and nephew. I love that despite how tiny they all are they each have such unique and specific personalities. Little Siaara is so outgoing and friendly. She is determined about what she wants out of life. She doesn’t care who knows it or who she has to go around to meet her ends. She’s a strong passionate child and the joy in that little smile of hers while she’s experiencing just what she was reaching for is priceless. Annabelle is exceptionally creative and thoughtful. When you look into those little eyes you can see the wheels turning behind them. She evaluates and examines every situation to determine her precise move. At just three years old the little artist knows exactly how everything in her world should be and she’s put a considerable amount of effort into determining what is perfection. Asher like Ariel has the most gentle spirit. I think he looks at life through rose colored glasses and sees all cups half full (unless his big sister convinces his otherwise). He enjoys things no matter how they are and he appears content to just be. Ariel has a smile that could melt ice. The tiny little thing beams with joy and comfort. If one could speculate they’d most likely say she’s going to solve a lot of conflict, she’ll be a friendship restorer who brings people together, the ray of light in a room, the one who always makes things better. Just having the privilege to witness these little lives in bloom is a blessing of pure joy to me.

Command those who are rich in this present age not to be haughty, nor to trust in uncertain riches but in the living God, who gives us richly all things to enjoy.
1 Tim 6:17

Do I have to? Day 95

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.
-Lin Yutang (I don’t know who this is but I like the quote a lot)

I woke up this morning with a serious case of the “do I have tos.” I lay in bed for almost an hour fretting about all of the “have tos” awaiting me today. Shortly after I finally dragged myself from the warmth, comfort, and security of my bed I decided to declare today a “have to free day”. I quickly made myself one of the best breakfasts ever: A big panqueque with fresh strawberries topped with unsweetened applesauce and one pack of splenda. It was a masterpiece. I decided that I didn’t “have to” go to work but that I did want to make money. So inevitably I wanted to go to work. Seeing how I lazied around in bed for an hour too long there wasn’t any time for me to even think about avoiding the regular morning have tos. I stepped outside to see a little white cap of snow on my mailbox and a magnificent sky above me. The sun was just about to peek over the horizon; the sky was my absolute favorite blue; big fluffy dark bluish grey clouds were positioned throughout the fabulous blue overhead and a slim sliver of the brilliant glowing moon was hanging within the middle of it all. My “have to free day” was turning out great.

While I drove to work I went back over the list of stuff needing to be accomplished, the list that had kept me lying around in bed for an hour earlier. As I re-evaluated each task I came to an extremely interesting realization. Every item on my list, after releasing it and telling myself that “today I do not have to do anything” became something I wanted to do. Just like how I’d decided I actually wanted to go to work, I also wanted to fold the laundry, I wanted to go jogging, I wanted to… well it’s a long list.

The day started with dread. It is ending with quite exactly the opposite. And as I’m certain I will not accomplish everything “I want to do” it’s ok because I do not have to do anything!

I have set the LORD always before me; Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will rest in hope.
Ps. 16:8-9

42. Agradecido – thankful
43. Rinoceronte – Rhinoceros

Day 94

I started that list. Once I got home from work I was too tired to do anything productive so I conveniately stopped writing down what I was doing. Now I'm going to finish this ridiculously lame blog and actually do something productive. The end.

First Quarter, Day 93

2010 is one quarter over. I think I've done a fair job at BEING however I am glad that there are still three quarters of this year left. I think I need to evaluate how I truly spend my time. For quite some time now I've been feeling like I cannot catch up, like there just isn't enough time in the day, and that I'm unable to do most of the things I strive to accomplish during each day.

Tomorrow I am going to keep track of every thing I spend time on and I'm going to work harder at mulit tasking. In other words I'm going to regroup and attempt to focus on using every moment during the day for growth, increase, and productivity. If I'm driving I can pray. If I'm working I can study Espanol. If I'm cleaning I can... well there's something I can be doing with my mind I'm sure.

During January I gave it my all and I saw increase in my life like never before. Caffeine and I'll just call him the sneaky snake (that's what we call him in sunday school) kicked my butt. And March was just exauhsting and I have not recovered from the time change yet. April is the beggining of 2010's third quarter. Life is returning out of doors. Warmth has come back. Today, tomorrow, and everyday is new.

34. Barbilla - chin
35. Boca - mouth
36. Cara - face
37. Cabello - hair
38. Neriz - nose (I think, I'm having a difficult time remembering this one)
39. Ojo - eye
40.Oreja - ear
41. Pelo - hair

and I cannot remember cheek but it starts with an M and is a little bit like Meijer

Observations of Day 92

Today I was reminded of how breathtakingly beautiful green can be. The rain showers are creating temporary ponds and streams along roadways and within fields and each unique body of water is surrounded by emerald green grass. Winter has lost its hold. Life has returned to Michigan and reborn beauty is springing forth everywhere.


I couldn’t quite contain a gleeful smile as I walked past a Meijer employee as he was heading into work. He wore a grungy black t-shirt with something like a rock band type graphic upon it. His red Meijer polo was slung over his shoulder in a rebellious act of resisting the clutches of employment, rules, and responsibility; refusing to wear the uniform until the very last moment is a subtle declaration of one’s last few breaths of freedom. He had a lip piercing and wasn’t exactly clean shaven and he had disheveled dark brown hair. He was tall and on the larger side of pudgy. This was a guy who likes potato chips and pizza most likely. I don’t imagine he’s ever been into sports and I believe I can safely say he doesn’t often exercise. Just before I passed him by he spoke into his cell phone in a tender giddy tone the words, “I love you!” Which he promptly followed with smooching noises. I smiled to myself as I walked on by and refrained from chuckling as I laughed on the inside. Even societies most rebellious and jaded, even they can be smitten by love and made to look like playful frolicking little children. Life is precious.

Rue Royale, Day 91

I'm listening to one of my all time favorite bands right now. They're so peaceful. Their lyrics are beautiful and I enjoy every word. Art, man's self expression is so wonderful because it connects person to person on a deeper level than talking. With music, with painting, with film, even in writing, a man is able to express his soul and another man is able to feel understood, accepted, and approved because of that expression.

I'm wondering if music is a thing that someone can "have." You can desire to obtain and own CD's, records. You can wish to have music in a sense by idolizing a musician or by memorizing lyrics. But I believe the sound, the connection in the moment, the way your soul reacts to the music isn't something you can "have." (Good) Music in the moment that it's being appreciated is alive and free and as long as it's appreciated will forever bring forth new and extraordinary life.  

Lazy, Day 90

I jogged a mile this morning : )

I've been getting lazy lately. I purchased a baby shower gift when I could have made something had I put more effort into it. I bought Jesse a movie for Easter when I could have very easily NOT. I've been slacking for sure. I need to get back to purging, to sticking to a tight budget and I need to sell some things around here. I'm up to 9 (thing) purchases now.

I've been increasinly more convicted lately that there are food purchases that I should abstain from during this learning TO BE process. Things like cafe hot cocoas, teas, anything starbucks; these things I do NOT need. They're "having" "consuming" items for sure. I'm scared to let them go though. We all have such routines, such regular desires and particular things which comfort and bring joy. I've gradually been realizing that these things aren't necessary. These things are conditioned luxuries that we've grown to believe we need. I need nothing more than breath, basic food, water, and God.

Additionally I need to read a bit more. I need to work a bit more on using my creative talents. I think laziness is a curse. It's something that just sticks to you and is so hard to shake. The worse thing is, at least for now, I think it's something I need to shake daily. It's not like I can just tell it to leave and then it's gone. It comes back every morning and then a few different times a day.

Yucky laziness leave me alone. OK.

Day 89

I don't know that this has anything to do with anything but I just jogged over half a mile without stopping. I know no big deal. BUT for me it's a huge deal. I haven't been able to do that (without several weeks if not months working up to it) since I was in elementary school. I've always dreamed of being a runner. I'm not sure why but there's something inside of me that longs to run. I've felt like this since I was 14 or 15. However I've NEVER been in shape enough to realize this goal. For several years I've attempted to get in shape during the spring. This meant walking fast, jogging, walking, jogging, walking... you get it. I'd work up to a slow jog that I could painfully manage for a good period of time. Then summer would arrive and that would be the end of it.  Today I stepped outside, I started jogging and I kept doing so until I arrived back home. I'm sort of in a super happy shocked state at the moment. It's like a miracle, a dream come true, I feel like a new person.

At any rate you will have been cheerful, Day 88

While there is a chance of the world getting through its troubles, I hold that a reasonable man has to behave as though we were sure of it. If at the end your cheerfulness is not justified, at any rate you will have been cheerful.
-H.G. Wells

I’ve been listening to myself complain a lot lately. I’ve been trying to focus on not grumbling but I just keep hearing myself do it. There is a lot, way too many things wrong with the world and with mankind. If one were to sit and look at all of the issues at present, well I imagine one would lose all hope and there is very little possibility of remedying even half of what we’ve ruined. I read this quote today. At first I wondered what good it would do, acting delusional, behaving as though we were sure to get through the troubles. But the second half of it is so poetic… “at any rate you will have been cheerful.”

He’s right you know. I’ve been focusing a lot on faith lately. The past few days I’ve been repeating to myself over and over again, “faith is KNOWING!” If you see an injustice, a wrong, a problem, and you take a step to remedy that situation then whether or not the problem has been solved may not entirely be the necessary focus. Maybe we need rather focus on the fact that we’re doing something to solve it. Maybe we should focus on the positive aspect of the issue. Maybe we should behave as though we are taking responsibility and resolving the issue. Faith is knowing. Maybe we just need to have faith. Maybe we just need to know that it is going to be ok and then be cheerful for that.

What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see.
Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

People, Day 87

As I was praying for the Guatemala trip coming this June I began to get really excited about the people I'll be experiencing the journey with. There are quite a lot of people I don't know going this year. They seem like really cool people. The people I do know are really cool people. I feel like each person on the team has their own unique gifts and talents and each person will contribute special qualities to make up our team. I'm excited about witnessing the differences and the uniqueness in everyone. I'm excited about working along side each of the people who are going.


Today I was thinking about how we view people. I believe that most people judge individuals based on accomplishments or the opposite, negative things they've done. We view people according to status, employments position, clothing types and style, what types of possessions they own, ect; I believe that God created every person with special talents, unique gifts, passions, and specific personalities. I don't think we take into account as often as we should WHO someone is when viewing them. We look at what they've done and what they have but we tend to overlook (it is more difficult to see) who the person actually is.

I love seeing people, recognizing the good in them, their special unique traits; I love trying to look for that child of God, the individual He sees when He looks at us. It makes everyone beautiful when you try and see what God sees.

Day 86

Today is good. There is no reason to complain. There is only life to be lived, air to be breathed, and beauty to partake of. Today I will BE.