Desiring to LIVE (part 1), Day 285

Trying against my every inclination to not be too descriptive I plan to spill my guts (or at least reveal to you what’s on my mind).

There are these overwhelmingly tremendous desires within me, pleading their case to every fiber of my being but I cast them aside as too unrealistic. I am a realist after all, the glass being neither half empty nor half full but simply a glass containing liquid.

Desire numero uno: Something within me screams for health. After my parents parted and reduced our family to a skeleton of its former self I acquired an excessive amount of weight in a VERY short period of time. 20 years later I’ve concrete proof of the transformation permanently etched within the skin covering my entire body. Now as I reflect upon the tragedy I tell myself that it was possibly a defense mechanism, a way to keep people away, to keep myself safe from relational hardship, to comfort myself when so much agony was occurring beneath my stretching skin, oh the list goes on. However the disembodiment of my family, of my reality, along with the destruction of myself created a monster (completely unrelated to the monster at present). The beast told me upon every waking moment that I was hideous, worthless, less than worthless even, offensive to others. I was trash. I could hardly pass reflective surfaces without an agonizing sensation of repulsion crawling beneath my skin. I covered myself in clothing 3 sizes to big in an attempt to disappear, not be seen, become invisible. A camera was an evil devise aimed at revealing a gruesome sight I was desperately trying to escape. Every eye happening to face in my direction was an insult. I knew the awful thoughts creeping behind them all. Literally every waking hour my mind was plagued by this reality, the reality that I was an ogre, a wretch, a living assault against beauty. My every impulse was one of escape, a need to hide, to disappear, like a spy or a criminal. This was life, or shall I call it the tortuous struggle I fought for about 8 years.

About 5 years into it I began to pray every single night to my God. I sent out a beseeching prayer just before falling to sleep that He would miraculously transform me overnight. When I awoke I believed with all of my heart that I would be beautiful. Each morning filled with renewed faith and desperate hope I would awake and look to see if my stomach was flat or if my calves were smaller. For two years each morning my heart would break at the revelation of no alteration. Perhaps I was losing my mind. What a foolish prayer. But I was desperate from release of that lifestyle of shame, humiliation and the constant need to escape. I look back now and I’m fully aware that all I wanted was to be beautiful. I wanted for people to look at me and see something fantastic. I wanted to be seen and to be unashamed, prideful even. I wanted to buy all the beautiful clothing, adorn myself in the fabulous wardrobe and receive praise. I wanted to cast off the hideous beast I was and for something beautiful that once existed, that was buried deep inside to crawl out and proclaim to the world, “I am here, look at me!”

One night I was lying in bed crying, heartbroken and void of the energy to continue that lifestyle of misery. I didn't ask God to change me. I didn’t ask him to make me beautiful I just cried. I was empty. Suddenly like an asteroid crashing to the earth I was hit by a revelation that changed me and altered my life forever. God told me that I was beautiful, that I was perfect, that He created me exactly who I was exactly how I was with zero intent at any alteration, that He adored me and then He asked me a question I’ll never forget. This question burned an imprint within my mind to exist for eternity. “Do you think I made a mistake?” I suddenly felt this joy, a feeling I’m certain I had never experienced before. A light overtook me. The beast was vanquished, it was gone. I was no longer hideous. I was beautiful. I was perfect. I, without a shadow of a doubt believed every word I’d just heard. God loved me. I needed nothing more.

So now about 12 years later I like me. I have ever since. I don’t need fabulous clothes or amazing jewelry, make up, or any physical alteration; I am a daughter of the Most High God and he thinks I’m perfect. This however brings me back to that thing within me which screams for health. I no longer desire to acquire and own a priceless beauty, to be seen by the world, to live my life on parade receiving adoration and confirmation of my physical supremacy. God loves me. But I want to live the life He’s given me to the fullest. I want my feet to be able to carry me long distances at fast speeds. I want my muscles to be strong and endurant. I want to be able to climb mountains and swim across lakes. I want my lungs to enjoy working hard to breath in all the air possible during the time I have left. I want to be healthy. This is something altogether completely separate from the thing of beauty. I am thankful that God has blessed me with health, that I’ve fully functioning limbs and organs, that the body He’s given me is in good working order. I couldn’t be more thankful for these facts BUT I have a responsibility to this body to take care of it, to increase the health of it, to work towards the goals recently described above and in that arena I face a completely different monster than the beast from my youth (the one I’ve been discussing as of late). This is the first desire, that of health. But I’m drawn towards destruction, towards momentary self satisfaction. It’s as if I’m only able to be “happy” at present, right now if I’m working against the fulfillment of my desire for health. It’s sort of driving me crazy. And I’ll stop there.

FOOOD, Day 284

As you can see, if you skim through the purchases list on the right column of this page I've hardly bought anything this year. Jesse and I are trying really hard to get out of debt and we're so committed in some areas. Yet it always seems that if we're hitting it out of the park in one area we're stuck in the dug out in another. Unbalanced living seems to be the story of my life.

As you can see, if you read through these 284 consecutive blogs I really love food. For the past month at least we've been HORRIBLE at eating out. I'm not sure what happened but it's bad. The coffee re-incorporation isn't helping either. The grand idea of two cafe drinks a month isn't happening.

Thus I propose a new (much dreaded) right hand column on this blog. I am going to be listing EVERY convenience food stuffs purchase I make including McDonald's coffee from here on out. Oddly enough this blog holds a tremendous amount of power over me. I should just post my entire budget on here. I may actually stick to it for once. But that's NOT happening. There will however be a ridiculous list of dining out, cafeing out, loafing out list of food from now on.

Thank- you for reading!

Scrappy Sisters, Day 283

There's an entire facebook page filled with art created by me. I've decided to TRY and create art inspired by each individual who's "liked" the page. I spent the last four evenings hand sewing scrappy monsters (the first girl monsters I've made) inspired by a friend of mine who "likes" the page and who is the mother of 4 little girls. The monster's are taking between 3 and 4 hours each. I am genuinely very proud of myself for accomplishing this feat. Ok, there are 135 more people I am determined to create art for but at least I've begun.

The most exciting thing about this new venture is all the ideas floating around in my head. Yes, it's just one more thing to add to the list of possible let downs/ things I never accomplish BUT I'm not looking at it that way AND there isn't any sort of time line AND there never will be. I guess if I weren't to create any of the imagined pieces that'd be perfectly ok. But that fact that they're in there, dancing around in my head is pretty neat. Other than creating gifts for people I don't generally think art. BUT I am again.

Yay for inspiration and accomplishment!

Sunrise, Day 282

The sky this morning was magnificent. As I was walking into work I was amazed at the beauty. The parking lot at Meijer allows for an incredibly large horizon and with the skyscrapers of Grand Rapids poking into the beauty, each one speckled by hundreds of tiny lit office windows; the scene was memorizing. I lamented for only one moment as I turned my back to the orange, red, yellow, purple and blue hues spanning miles of trees with the little big city resting in the middle, "Oh how I wish I were able to just stand here and gaze upon the beauty..."

But then I looked back at the sky and walked slowly to my indoor destination. I enjoyed the eye candy blessing that surrounded me for those brief moments. Why should I have let that tiny bit of time go to waste simply because of it's smallness? I almost foolishly cast those few moments aside simply because they were so brief. I noticed others walking into the building seemingly unaware of the miracle occurring within the sky. I know I looked goofy walking sideways through the entire parking lot but honestly I wondered why everyone else wasn't doing the same thing. So, I was only able to enjoy the tremendous beauty for a short bit, I had to reach a destination, I had to go on with the day, but I'm thankful for the time I had and for the beauty I saw. I need nothing more. The Lord blessed me.

The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.  Zep 3:17

Magical Burrito, Day 281

I ate a cheesy bean and rice with chicken burrito for breakfast today. It was actually last nights dinner but I wasn't feeling very well last night so I saved it for this morning. Oddly enough eating a burrito in the pitch black on the way to work made it feel much less like morning and quite a bit more like an extension of yesterday.

Generally I see each morning as a new beginning, a fresh start, and another chance to accomplish as many spectacular things as humanly possible in a 24 hour period of time. If I failed to succeed the day prior then the morning is a fresh start at tackling life. Now that I'm writing this out I am hating that I put such heavy expectations on each day. Why do I look at 24 hours as a set in stone block of time that I need to conquer? After so much of the day has gone by if I don't see it as being successful I usually just quit; I resign until tomorrow. 

This morning was extremely odd. It was as if I'd awoken from a long nap and was continuing yesterday. It wasn't morning, or at least it didn't feel at all like morning to me. I accomplished a good bit yesterday and somehow it carried over. I felt as I drove to work that I was continuing a success, not starting out hoping for a new one. That burrito offered me a 48 hour day. 

As I munched, and drove, and pondered, I wondered why I chop my life into tiny bits of time. I imagine it's because I feel like I need a fresh new start everyday. Generally I feel quite unsuccessful and I guess a new beginning always offers me a second chance to make it, but right now I think that's dumb. I'm really screwed up. And I'm not saying that condemningly but I really am.

I just want to live life. I'm SOOOOO sick of all the expectations I've placed on living. If there's a "having" existence and a "being" existence (which I'm fully convinced there is) then I am almost entirely operating in a "having" one. I can't even be content with a new day without striving to have accomplishments, goals and successes and worthwhile activities to claim. I think that there is value in right now apart from where now is going to take me or where now came from. I just need to figure out how to let all the balls drop and look at right now. I'm still trying just to open my eyes.

Time is an enemy, a foe I quarrel with which always vanquishes me and yet it doesn't actually exist.

Just be you, Day 280

But now, O LORD, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand. Is. 64:8

Still feeling super Pollyannay. I'm really hard on myself. We're really hard on ourselves. People accuse Christians of being so narrow minded and condemning but did anyone ever stop to think that they're just treating others the way they treat themselves.

Speaking to myself today I feel compelled to shout, "calm down, let it go, don't be so hard on yourself and just enjoy something!" Won't my monster be happy? Today it doesn't matter if you suck at life. Today it doesn't matter if you've let all the balls drop. Today it doesn't matter if you're the worst friend, the worst child, the worst spouse, the worst parent, the worst human being alive... here's your get out of jail free card. Today you can just be you... a child of the King of kings, a child of the most high God, royalty, one of a kind perfection, oh and with Daddy at your side VICTORIOUS!

Today just be you.

I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that you should not be their slaves; I have broken the bands of your yoke and made you walk upright. Lev. 26:13

Waves, Day 279

I'm possibly one of the strangest photographers. I actually have a bit of a problem taking photos because I'm reluctant to "capture" a moment being more compelled to experience it instead. Now there could be a considerably large debate upon this subject about capturing AND experiencing and what not. But the truth is and you must agree with me, that generally when people have a camera in hand they're thinking about getting that good photo, about the shots and the frames and when and where to shoot next. Just think about tourists snapping away at amazing sights. They're so enthralled with capturing the moment, in my opinion, they're at the very same time missing out on being in the moment. Life through a lens is much less spectacular than life with out the limitations.

Now, with that being said there was a huge wind storm recently. A lot of people rushed down to the lake to see the waves and take photos of the scene. I don't like following the crowd but I decided with one goal in mind that I wasn't going to miss the perfect opportunity to practically get blown off the face of the earth while trying to capture a wind blown photograph. We had to park pretty far away from the water considering the huge crowd that had emerged. Unfortunately the sand was unbelievably assaulting but I pushed on. After it had pierced practically every fiber of my being I found the more professional photographers with better cameras standing right where I had been determined to shoot. I wasn't about to go stand in front of them but I was so bummed. I almost gave up, resigned, headed home with an ear full of sand and a covering of depression but I decided instead that even though there was no way I was going to get my shot I would shoot away anyhow.

My ear still hurts (4 days later) but I'm glad I followed through with one of my desires this time.

Blessing, Day 278

What if my heavenly Father loves me so much that His only plan for me today is to bless me?

Maybe He isn't desiring for me to be the best me I can be, to excel at the Christian game, to read enough scripture and say enough prayers, and sin as little as possible. Maybe He isn't looking down to see whether or not my heart is in the right place: loving on people, focusing on heavenly things, turned aside from fleshly desires. Maybe He just loves me and thats that.

If you go back to the very beginning before all the messy stuff God created man; He placed man in a garden of pleasure filled with everything his heart could ever desire (He even created a friend and partner, another (wo)man to come along side him); He walked with man in the cool of the day.

The Bible says a lot of stuff about not sinning, about following all the commands, about focusing on God and godly things, about this and that and all the other stuff... it says a lot. But what if God's love for us goes so much farther beyond all that we're able to comprehend that really, ultimately He just wants to bless us AND all that other stuff is sort of just His way of telling us how to get closer to the blessing (we're REALLY good at walking away from it)?

Just a quick twist at the end: the more blessing we receive, the more we notice the blessing, the more thankful and ultimately in love with God we become, the more we're interested in blessing Him too... and all that other stuff suddenly seems less condemning and much more appealing.

I'm amazed (pretty often) at how many times I write a blog and once I arrive at the end I think to myself, "wow, I just need to open my eyes... it's all right there in front of me."

This commandment which I command you today is not too mysterious for you, nor is it far off. But the Word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it.  I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life... Duet 30:11,14,19

Good Day 277

Well I might have just climbed out of the ditch again. I had a really good run there for bit. I was so productive and so happy and then, once again as what's apparently becoming completely usual I crashed. I've been so unmotivated, to the point of not really even thinking about anything but sort of just passing through life. I really can't remember anything about the past few days oh, except being a complete and total falior. I've been OUT OF IT and sick too (thats definitely part of the problem... ooh maybe I could blame it on the storm also). I've been avoiding blogging, which at present I'm very angry with myself for doing, because I haven't wanted to think and I've had nothing to say. I could have posted several really super lame blogs saying, "I've got nothing," or maybe "I SUCK." but man that would have been pointless and awful. So I just haven't.

Today, though, I think I'm back. The day is very rapidly flying by (I generally accomplish every thing worthwhile on Saturdays and Sundays before noon) but I'm still feeling good about life. I'm feeling like everyone struggles and (sometimes I think I'm the only crazy person living on this planet, but) there's not really anything wrong with me. I'm just human and honestly I'm ok with that. I'm feeling very Pollyannaish today. I'm thankful for my health (even though I have a cold, but a cold is nothing next to a terminal illness). I'm thankful for full use of all my limbs (even if they are soar from too much exercise). I'm beyond words thankful for my family of Jesse, Deedee, Bozzy, and Maggie (even if I'm 30 with no human children). Today I'm thankful and that's putting a cheery glow on everything sitting before me. I think I'm out of the ditch. Now, I'm gonna see about staying out at least for longer than a week, OKAY!

Day 276

I haven't posted anything in awhile because I haven't really... I've not been... well life has sort of just been blah. I haven't been "being." I've just... blah.

MY path, Day 275

I keep thinking about impatience. We do not live in a being oriented society. Thems the facts. We’re very having oriented. When it comes to impatience the fact of the matter is that we all have goals. We all have convictions. We don’t live life for the experience, for the process; we don’t go throughout out our days embracing each new opportunity while eagerly embarking upon the path that naturally unfolds before us. We chose our paths. We make our own opportunities. In this society paths and opportunities don’t just exists for us to benefit from, we claim them, we have them, they are objects for our advancement. We need to operate and perform in very specific ways to meet our goals and obtain our trophies.

As small children we’re instructed upon the correct ways. We’re taught how to be in order to have. If you’re disciplined you’ll become successful. If you’re polite you’ll conquer life. If you’re structured you’ll prosper in all the important things. Everyone has convictions. They’re ingrained in us. Some people are super convicted to get a great education and become someone. People who are abused are usually convicted to hurt others. Subconsciously people believe that hurting others prevents others from hurting you. Murders are convicted to murder and philanthropists and convicted to philander. The point I’m trying to make is that we all do what we do for a reason. Whether it be a truly well thought out plan we’re unfolding or deep lying convictions that we in no way shape or form understand but that exist just as much as we exist ourselves, we are driven.

The last time someone flew by me on the highway instead of grimacing and thinking to myself, “what a moron,” I told myself that that individual has a goal and speeding is helping him or her to meet that goal. I’m not trying to justify my impatience (I’m horrible) but I am trying to stop getting so frustrated with others. The above two paragraphs is the reasoning I devised for others to be allowed impatience and rudeness and stupidity. EVERYONE is doing what they feel needs to be done in order to get to where they’re going. Even people who use drugs are trying to get somewhere. They’re trying to get away from themselves, away from their pain, away from their failures, ect;.

I was thinking along these lines for a long time just pondering and pondering and thinking about all the reasons idiots do what they do and be it as stupid and convoluted as they may be there are reasons for why we do what we do. Once you are able to realize and understand that that moron is operating for what he feels to be a very good reason (generally subconsciously) it’s a little bit easier to let go of your own anger and frustration.

 

I started thinking about Jesus. God used to get REALLY mad at the Israelites in the Old Testament. And they had to do a lot of crap to try and make up for their stupidity. But then God sent His Son to earth to walk in our footsteps. Jesus came here and God was able to be one of us. The guy who looked down upon us and couldn’t understand why we were such imbeciles became one of us and was fully able to understand why. I think Jesus took our sins upon himself because He was perfect and because He was God’s Son and because God asked him to and because He loved us but also because He understood why we sinned. I think it’s a lot easier to pass judgment upon someone when you’re unable to fit into their shoes. It’s a lot harder to judge a person whose shoes fits. We are all driven. We all do what we do for a reason. Not noticing, acknowledging, or caring about the other people crowding your path is actually a pretty normal occurrence in these fast paced futile lives we’re living. Noticing those other people means realizing they have a path as well and most likely you’re standing in it.

Rambling sort of, Day 274

I gazed upon a rainbow today for at least 30 minutes. I wished, the entire time so very VERY adamantly that I would have had my camera with me so that I could have captured that rainbow. I was driving to Ludington and the trees were gorgeously colored, the sky was full of awesome clouds and this magnificent rainbow went from being the widest base of a rainbow I've ever seen to a full incredibly prominent glorious arch that took my breath away. It filled the sky and bowed over the fall forests. It was awesome. I wanted to pull over and just stare at it until it dissolved. That was thee moment of enjoying life today but I resent the overwhelming feelings of needing to capture it that I had the entire time I looked upon it's beauty, and even now.

This morning was really beautiful too though, all morning from bright moonlit starry sky to sunrising amongst the deep blue rimmed clouds. There are a few spots along the highway on my way to work that I wish were mine. I drive past them and lament my journey to work. I wish I were living in that exact spot, that I were able to wake up, step outside of my home and be there. It's a VERY having oriented desire. I want those beautiful places to belong to me so that I can enjoy them everyday. The silly thing is that I don't take full advantage of where I already am and if I existed in one of those grand locations I probably wouldn't step out doors and exist within the beauty very much more often then I do now. (that's not very well explained... sorry)

Here's the thing. I've woken up way before the sun (since the days are getting much shorter) for awhile now. Each morning I accompany my dogs outside and I marvel at the sky overhead. A strong desire to pull out my camping chair and just sit gazing overcomes me every morning. BUT I just look up and long for more. Then I step back inside with my little ones and go on with MY life. Why can't my life involve doing something I'm really truly passionate about, like gazing upon the incredible starry sky that's been greeting me each morning as of late? We're WAY too rushed. I find it's incredibly difficult to BE when we're always thinking about going.

Day 273

Sorry these posts have been limited and pointless as of late. October is looking to be an unusually busy month and I'm tired. BUT I've already seen two falling stars this month. The one I saw this morning was amazing. It was super bright and it seemed to last forever. I thought I might possibly witness one of those movie moments when the blazing fire ball comes crashing down to earth from the sky until it fizzled away. It was GREAT, so beautiful!

Day 272

This was a good day. I read. I relaxed. I took MORE photos. I exercised. I didn't eat much (good and bad). Oh, I saw a shooting star this morning. This was a good day.

Day 271

I'm in a really good mood because I started and FINISHED a stuffed scrappy monster for a birthday party I went to today, I got to spend time with my brother's family, AND I took a bunch of photos of them which mostly turned out really well.

I'm not in such a good mood because Jesse has been unbelievably angry for two days and I honestly haven't a clue why. He says nothings wrong and that he doesn't want to talk about the nothing that isn't wrong. I cannot get over how easily an entire day can be ruined because of someone else's attitude. I'm trying so hard to be positive and not get brought down but the air in here is thicker than pudding and I just want him to be happy BUT there's nothing I can do about it. grrr.

Christmastime, Day 270

So I guess Christmas is coming. At least according to Meijer it's close at hand. They've their entire trim a tree department set at most stores with the exception of the seasonal pad which will probably be set before Halloween comes to a close at at least a few locations. That's the really REALLY great thing about Christmas though. It isn't a day. It is truly an entire season and although October may be a bit too early for that season to begin I love that we don't celebrate Christmas the way we live our lives always eagerly looking forward until the day just suddenly flies by. For weeks we attend parties and get togethers, we send and receive cards and gifts, we dine on all of the holiday treats; for weeks we listen to the sounds of Christmas, take in the smells, the sights, and the splendor which the season has to offer.

Granted there are the down sides. The general population seems to get grouchier, more violent, impatient and rude as the day of culmination draws near. Money flies from wallets like bats from an invaded cave. Greed and obligation tend to poison the snowy atmosphere. Many of you are already feeling the tension of the season just from reading this and you're thinking it can surly wait for two more months at least before pouncing upon us. But I say bring it on! I love a holiday that isn't just a day, a holiday that involves daily enjoyment, excitement, and festivities for weeks on end. I'm going to (again this year) attempt to make the most of; bake all the cookies my oven can put out; listen to every Christmas song I can find; watch movie after movie after splendid Christmas movie; leave the grumbling out in the snow; and soak in the holidays... AFTER thanksgiving.

A Vain Attempt at Pickwickian Composure, Day 269

Today was full of delightful delicacies. I did suffer a headache for much of it's entirety and I indulged my monster on far too many occasions but I experienced enjoyment apart from having on a much grander scale that those negative occurrences are able to collectively collaborate.

I began the day out of doors in my own quaint yard witnessing my beloved furry children exerting all the vibrancy and life that an early morning unfolding evokes. Breathing the crisp dark autumn air and blanketed by the black heavens strewn with tiny radiant specks of light I stood encompassed by feelings of pride which one might embrace on such early mornings having bested the mighty sun's arrival and utter satisfaction associated with living such a grandiose life. After my little ones had exerted themselves and all of the morning's crucial labors had been executed but before I began the necessary toils for which I receive monetary reimbursement I proceeded fervently into the new day unfolding before me. The firmament overhead was ever so gradually lightening from black to varying shades of blue. The forests were still merely a silhouette. A spectacular array of low lying isolated waves of fog, each stream owning an individual identity altogether unlike fog normally exists but much rather like solid (in appearance) fluffy bunches of clouds which more regularly inhabit the sky blanketed the dark trees almost as if all of nature itself had been decorated 17 days early for a Halloween celebration. The scene was eery and exhilarating. I only wish I could more adequatley describe the beautiful vision which caused my skin to crawl and yet delighted my every fiber so.

Once the sun had claimed it's place within in the sky my eyes were able to envelop the miraculous sights of the fall season unfolding upon this very speck of the planet. Throughout the day I witnessed unending multi colored forests inhabiting perpetual hills. Leafy trees adorning the earth and decorating the forests were costumed in honey colored, blush, red, coral, and orange apparel more vibrant and spectacular than anything ever fashioned during all of the history of man. Unchanging blue pine stood steadfast amongst the ephemerally decorated trees while recently naked-ed branches boisterously proclaimed their new found freedom, resembling celebrators at Mardi Gras or Vegas just before a long slumber. Ordinary fields expanding in every direction were no less boastful than the festive forests. Vibrant yellow vegetation danced across still green fields speckled with crisp chocolate ferns. Burgundy saplings and unnatural looking florescent lemon colored bushes mingled amongst the merriment. Truly today the hills, the valleys, the forests and the sky above were alive with song and melodious rejoicing.

Day 268

It seems as though I have nothing to say today.

Brain Rewiring, Day 267

While embarking upon this new approach for dealing with my monster I'm realizing all the more the difference between the "having" and "being" forms of existence. Every time, or at least most of the times, that my monster roars for something contrary to what I really want I've been stopping to reconsider the root of the roar.

People tend to play mind games with each other. When you ask someone if you look fat they know they're supposed to and you hope they'll say "no." People manipulate and skirt around trying to get things they want from others so they don't have to expose themselves. Kids in school are horribly mean to people they have crushes on to try and hide the crush. Admit it, you're aware we play mind games. I'm not much of a fan of them though. I've been accused for most of my life of being brutally honest no matter the subject. Most people admit that they appreciate my absolute honesty even if they've been hurt more than once by my words. I cannot stand saying something I don't mean and I won't. And yet ever since I told that little voice of reason in my head to shut up it's been trying to manipulate me. I've been playing mind games with myself. So, if my monster wants to make me happy it screams "PEANUT BUTTER CUPS!!!" It doesn't say, "cheer up charlie." It tries to convince me I need to eat bad stuff. If the little creature wants me to relax it tells me to stop doing everything that matters to me, to just quite, give up and forget about it. It doesn't reason with me saying "it's ok to slow down, take it easy and baby step your way to the finish line, you need to enjoy life." It tries to cut the difficult out entirely. So I've been listening to the roars and then stopping to consider where they're coming from. Then I can push aside the unreasonable demand and (ideally) find a suitable solution for what ever was causing the monster to grumble.

Honestly, it's been working. I've given in to the roars several times but overall I've listened to the roar, thought about the problem and addressed it. It's much easier to solve an "I need to find a moment of joy" issue then an "I need to eat a ton of sugar RIGHT NOW" problem, because I don't want to eat sugar and there are billions of things that will bring me joy.

Back to my original thought though. Practically all of the roaring requires some form of having. I cannot believe how incredibly driven I am to "have." When I'm gloomy I need to have food or drink to cheer me up (at least that's what my body tells me). Before I started this blog I regularly needed to acquire something, be it a new spatula, new pants, new pillow cases, a new notebook, I needed someTHING new in order to fulfill an emotional void. I'm quite easily satisfied with a beautiful scene; the stars this morning were amazingly comforting. But when I'm not looking for beauty I don't tend to notice it. My monster never yells open your eyes and experience life! I'm pretty sure I'm rarely if ever driven to "be."

I cannot believe how very very extremely "having" oriented I am. I knew it was huge. That's why I began this blog in the first place. I'm mesmerized, fascinated by the idea of living life eyes wide open; experiencing each and every moment for what it is without needing to bring stuff into the picture; growing, increasing, and continually moving forward due to living and not because of an increase of stuff. But wow this monster journey has really opened my eyes to how very needy I am. I don't need sugar or caffeine or junk food... I finally believe that. I don't need stuff... I've finally worked my way out of that habit. I don't need to have in order to be. But boy oh boy does my little monster want to have. Now I get to teach it that happiness, joy, fulfillment, and comfort can be experienced apart from having. Now I get to rewire my brain.

I'm pretty sure I could continue this blog for 5 more years (at least).

Then the young man said, "what do I still lack (what do I need)." And Jesus said "You still lack one thing. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor (you need NOTHING)." Luke 18:22 (paraphrased)

Day 266

High note: I haven't purchased anyTHING is well over a month. (been eating out alot though. maybe I should add that to the list)

Lowish note: I've decided to stop stopping coffee. I feel that I was unnecessarily torturing myself and fueling the monsters rage with that one. I think I've learned possibly everything I could from the experiment in the 8 months I went without. (no caffeine though! we don't get along)

Other high note: I took photos of my brother's family for the first time ever yesterday and that was a lot of fun!