Magical Burrito, Day 281

I ate a cheesy bean and rice with chicken burrito for breakfast today. It was actually last nights dinner but I wasn't feeling very well last night so I saved it for this morning. Oddly enough eating a burrito in the pitch black on the way to work made it feel much less like morning and quite a bit more like an extension of yesterday.

Generally I see each morning as a new beginning, a fresh start, and another chance to accomplish as many spectacular things as humanly possible in a 24 hour period of time. If I failed to succeed the day prior then the morning is a fresh start at tackling life. Now that I'm writing this out I am hating that I put such heavy expectations on each day. Why do I look at 24 hours as a set in stone block of time that I need to conquer? After so much of the day has gone by if I don't see it as being successful I usually just quit; I resign until tomorrow. 

This morning was extremely odd. It was as if I'd awoken from a long nap and was continuing yesterday. It wasn't morning, or at least it didn't feel at all like morning to me. I accomplished a good bit yesterday and somehow it carried over. I felt as I drove to work that I was continuing a success, not starting out hoping for a new one. That burrito offered me a 48 hour day. 

As I munched, and drove, and pondered, I wondered why I chop my life into tiny bits of time. I imagine it's because I feel like I need a fresh new start everyday. Generally I feel quite unsuccessful and I guess a new beginning always offers me a second chance to make it, but right now I think that's dumb. I'm really screwed up. And I'm not saying that condemningly but I really am.

I just want to live life. I'm SOOOOO sick of all the expectations I've placed on living. If there's a "having" existence and a "being" existence (which I'm fully convinced there is) then I am almost entirely operating in a "having" one. I can't even be content with a new day without striving to have accomplishments, goals and successes and worthwhile activities to claim. I think that there is value in right now apart from where now is going to take me or where now came from. I just need to figure out how to let all the balls drop and look at right now. I'm still trying just to open my eyes.

Time is an enemy, a foe I quarrel with which always vanquishes me and yet it doesn't actually exist.