Desiring to LIVE (part 3), Day 287

There are these overwhelmingly tremendous desires within me, pleading their case to every fiber of my being but I cast them aside as too unrealistic. I am a realist after all, the glass being neither half empty nor half full but simply a glass containing liquid.

I desire to learn, to discover, to know. I want to read half of the books ever written, ponder and consider them all and to retain the information there in. I desire to learn languages… not entirely sure why, but I want to speak Spanish and Russian and Irish (although it’s a dead language) fluently. I’ve recently, even as recently as 1 minute ago added French to that list because it intrigues me. I want to know history, the history of America and Europe; wars and societal development from the beginning of the known time. When I hear an important name I desire to know why it’s important. Honestly these desires burn within of a blazing fire. I feel like every bit of information I stumble across brings me closer to understanding myself, to understanding the world surrounding me, and an appreciation and admiration for life and for mankind swells within me. I hated school but I adore learning.

Realistically though, a thought creeps through my mind of pointlessness. Learning, discovering, increasing mentally is emotionally rewarding but what means is there really? And time is a tremendously negative factor concerning these ambitions. I’ve only so much life to live and I’ve work, family, home matters, blah, blah, blah to execute properly. There returns the bubble. Only so much learning fits within its constraints and I fear that the time bubble is more confining that even the monetary one.

Continually here I sit, divided. I want to be healthy, a long term permanent goal but I’m almost unconsciously driven to embrace like an irresistible lover an unhealthy lifestyle. I desire to experience the world, see the sights, discover the beauty expanding beyond my sphere but there’s more than enough preoccupations keeping me from breaking free of the constraints. My mind and soul crave information, knowledge, an increased scope and yet time holding a whip pushes me away from these passions. I feel so broken, so misguides, so inadequately programmed.

Yet somewhere in the back of my mind hope and shame coexist knowing that other people manage to overcome the constraints, if they’d suffered constraints at all. Other people travel all over the planet regularly. Other people learn, consume, and absorb knowledge in greater quantities than food. Other people have discovered the secrets to health and discipline. And then I wonder what’s wrong with me. Am I just an infantile inadequate human being? Oh the thoughts that plague me. Then I consider trying to discard the thoughts… simplicity… singular focus… that should be the goal. But why should I abandon those things which hold so much importance to me? Why should I compromise my dreams even as unattainable as they seem? I definitely think WAY too much. Sometimes my pondering even makes my head hurt. But I like that about me. That’s me.