I think maybe just a bunch of stuff hit me all at once or piled up or something. I've been thinking about Christmas, trying to figure out how to present good gifts to everyone I love without breaking the bank (which would easily happen). I've been putting a lot of pressure mentally on myself about not spending money and every time I buy a $1 coffee or whatever I can feel myself holding it against me. Also I've been trying so hard to not spend extra money that I've collected deposit bottles around the house a few times just so I'd have enough to scrape through the work day. It's really difficult for me to stick to that tight of a budget without getting depressed. I just feel so helpless when my stomach growls and all the dimes are gone.
I want so desperately to finish my book and it's hanging over my head now, just getting heavier and heavier. It honestly wouldn't take that much time to accomplish the task it's just the organization and effort that I cannot seem to muster. And the fact that I feel as though no matter how much I put into it I'm not actually ever going to be able to arrive at the vision I have for it. I don't want to settle. I've also three books that I'm in the middle of reading that I wish I were finished with NOW, and not because I'm not enjoying them but just because I feel like it's taking me FOREVER to read them. There's this list, it's not even written out, there's nothing concrete about it, but it's piling up inside me and I can't stand the weight of it.
Guatemala has been on my mind a lot lately too. I don't think it's because I've been posting excerpts from my book. I think I started posting those because I've been thinking about it so much. It's hard though. I can see all those little faces, the filthy t-shirts and holey shoes. I miss the smell. I miss the sun. I miss just being there and impacting the world. My hearts kind of hurts a little bit right now. I've this never ending list of "tasks" I'd like to accomplish and they're not being attended to is driving my crazy but this little voice somewhere inside of me is almost rebuking me because in the grand scheme of things the all important essential tasks have no real purpose anyway.
Yep, I'm overwhelmed. I guess tomorrow I'm going to have to wake up and look some of these chores in the face. It'll help, it always does. There's really nothing more comforting to me then having a really clean house. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of things I want to accomplish tomorrow and the improbability of it, but somethings are better than none. So that's that. The thing that really bothers me though is why my mind feels it necessary to get so upset about such trivial things. AHHHHHH... it's so stupid!
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