I haven't had any coffee for 58 days. I regularly crave it. I crave the moment. I crave HAVING coffee. I'll feel down, or stressed, or just bored and then I'll imagine how much better coffee would make things. A steaming brown cup with a little bit of sugar and a delicious creamer... ahhh, peace and calm and comfort.
At one point today I was thinking how not awful it would be if I just had one cup. It was just a thought, a day dream, nothing more. I ordered a small nonfat white chocolate hot chocolate for almuerzo today. While walking to my car I took a sip, it was DELICIOUS. Once I arrived at my vehicle I took a second sip and I realized there was an all too familiar extra flavor in my cup. I removed the lid to discover that my WHITE chocolate hot chocolate was brown. It was most definitely a white mocha and honestly one of my all time favorite drinks. I sat in my car holding the beverage just looking at it. I had two choices. I could just drink the mistake. It wasn’t my fault. I had ordered a hot cocoa. OR I could take it back, get the correct drink, and throw out a delicious cup of coffee. Despite the waste and the extra walk back to the store during my lunch break I took it back. I didn’t even take another sip.
They replaced my coffee with a small hot white chocolate and they gave me a free drink coupon and I’m very proud of myself.
But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.
1 Corinthians 10:13
31. Venda- bandage
32. Herir - Hurt
33. Dolor - Pain
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Grouching and Grumbling, Day 84
I have got to stop complaining. Lately I keep hearing grumpy grumbly words proceeding from my mouth and as I am speaking them something is telling me that I need to shut up. Every time I start grouching about my job I hear that little voice telling me that God is taking care of me, that He is taking care of everything. Every time I start complaining about money I hear that little voice telling me that God is taking care of me, that He is taking care of everything. Every time I start whining about the day I hear… well I think you get it. My prayer today is that God would shut me up long enough to think about the words I am going to unleash upon this world before I unleash them.
In Sunday school this week I noticed that the three year olds were really grumbly. “This song is too long… I’m tired… I don’t want to do this… She’s not sharing, WAAA!!!” Three year olds definitely have their moments but all of their complaining really stood out to me this week. What does a three year old really have to complain about? They get to play and eat and play and eat and play and eat. Life should be fun all the time for them. For some reason all of us even the little ones lose sight of the good things, we lose sight of how great we really have it and of how blessed we really are and we lock our focus on each tiny fleeting thing that looks uncomfortable or annoying. We make that ugly thing so much bigger and so much more important than it is and all the great things lose their ground.
No more complaining!
We should not lust after evil things as they also lusted. Nor let us tempt Christ, as some of them also tempted, and were destroyed by serpents; nor complain, as some of them also complained, and were destroyed by the destroyer.
1 Corinthians 10: 6, 9-10
27. Desayuno – breakfast
28. Almuerzo – lunch
29. Cena – Dinner
30. Postre - Dessert
In Sunday school this week I noticed that the three year olds were really grumbly. “This song is too long… I’m tired… I don’t want to do this… She’s not sharing, WAAA!!!” Three year olds definitely have their moments but all of their complaining really stood out to me this week. What does a three year old really have to complain about? They get to play and eat and play and eat and play and eat. Life should be fun all the time for them. For some reason all of us even the little ones lose sight of the good things, we lose sight of how great we really have it and of how blessed we really are and we lock our focus on each tiny fleeting thing that looks uncomfortable or annoying. We make that ugly thing so much bigger and so much more important than it is and all the great things lose their ground.
No more complaining!
We should not lust after evil things as they also lusted. Nor let us tempt Christ, as some of them also tempted, and were destroyed by serpents; nor complain, as some of them also complained, and were destroyed by the destroyer.
1 Corinthians 10: 6, 9-10
27. Desayuno – breakfast
28. Almuerzo – lunch
29. Cena – Dinner
30. Postre - Dessert
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The plans He has for me, Day 82
God's plan is not our plan. Sometimes things appear one way but somewhere deep within your heart you can see that things aren't as they appear. I really appreciate that God has an ulitmate vision with paths and challanges and many many steps along the way that we're unable to see and yet He knows it all. I really appreciate that even though we see one thing, He see's the completion of all things and He has provided us with the Holy Spirit and with faith inorder that we might make it to the place He's called us to.
That place is far beyond our comprehension but it is obtainable if we just keep moving forward to it.
That place is far beyond our comprehension but it is obtainable if we just keep moving forward to it.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Morning Lulluby, Day 81
Yesterday was... LONG!!! I worked 11 hours and was gone for 13. I woke up before 4 this morning and didn't end up falling back asleep until 5 (thats when I had planned to get up, oops). As I got ready for work this morning, tired as could be, dreading the long day ahead of me, not quite recovered from the exauhsting day behind, I heard birds singing outside. It was still dark out. It was very cold this morning. Yet for some reason there were a lot of birds singing near my house. I felt like the Lord sent those lovely birds to remind me of how wonderful and beautiful life really is. This morning was the first time this year that I've heard the birds singing outside. Their songs were heavenly. The timing was perfect. I told myself right then and there, "today is a good day!" No matter what came at me during all of today (I almost lost it a few times) I remembered the songs I heard this morning, I smiled and today was a good day.
I've been tremendously slacking on my spanish vocab again... but I'm kicking it up. I've decided that I am going to learn 730 new Spanish words this year instead of 365. I will continue posting them.
Glory in His holy name; Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD!
1 Chronicles 16:10
I've been tremendously slacking on my spanish vocab again... but I'm kicking it up. I've decided that I am going to learn 730 new Spanish words this year instead of 365. I will continue posting them.
Glory in His holy name; Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD!
1 Chronicles 16:10
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My Blue Mug, Day 80
I don’t remember thinking today. But there was one moment. I poured some milk into a mug, heated it in the microwave for two minutes, and then added one heaping spoon of cocoa, two packs of splenda and a dash of cinnamon. This particular mug is generally purple but beneath just the right light it’s a brilliant shade of blue. It’s almost always impossible to see through except when it’s blue. Then it’s transparent. There are 8 little ridges on its inside which create a slight octagon within the round vessel. As steam rose from the delightful brown beverage filled with lumps of cocoa and covered with patches of brick red powder I dipped in a spoon and began stirring. I was ready to begin drinking the delicious hot cocoa but as the spoon tinked against the 8 little ridges it created a beautifully simplistic musical sound. My ears smiled inside. I looked to the purple mug which shone blue as the light passed through it. The cocoa came together as the milk steamed and the musical spoon swirled the concoction. Today was incredibly unremarkable but in this one brief moment I came alive.
Too much work! Day 79
The socialists, the humanists and simplistic individuals argue for shorter work days of 5 to 6 hours. I’ve always thought that would be wonderful but I never truly understood the point to the argument until lately.
I really appreciate how Erich Fromm speaks of the time prison we’ve placed ourselves in. We are forced to wake at a specific time. We must work for a specific period of time. We have set bedtimes based on these demands. We’re always submitting to the clock. Once we’re offered a bit of freedom from our rigid routine we generally rebel and then simply waste time. When time isn’t pushing us around we tend to sit on our behinds and just ignore it. It seems that a shorter work day would offer more freedom. But what is freedom if you waste it? I’ve often felt surges of delight at the very mention of a shorter work day. To escape the time prison and have those few extra hours of unscheduled time, my heart soars at the thought. However I believe that my heart takes flight upon the dream of escaping time, of crawling out from its clutches, and childishly ignoring it, casting it off, and then of resting.
Work has been horrid lately. I’ve experienced several weeks with little work. I’ve routinely completed my tasks, headed home early with a glee for having the opportunity of escaping, and then I proceed to complete the remainder of the day sulking for the money I’ve lost and the bills I’ll inevitably be unable to pay. The dreadfully slow weeks are then followed by an outpouring of work. Last week was so busy that I had difficulty finding time to think, to relax, and to breathe. This week is turning out to be even worse. I want to appreciate each moment. I want to spend time increasing, growing, and reflecting upon the world which surrounds me. I desire adamantly to commune with God. I know of little else I enjoy as much as studying scriptures and speaking to my Heavenly Father about them. Additionally I have a pile of books just waiting to be read, books I am practically craving. And yet day after day after day I wake before the sun, rush from my home, and toil quite speedily for longer than my mind is even capable of operating. Then I drive home just before the sun begins to set a bit soar, quite dazed, and extremely tired. This is followed by the nightly routine of exercise, dinner, and a little bit of rushed cleaning. During the rush of obligation I lose myself. Little thought escapes, no knew input finds its way in, and my eyes hardly manage to notice the world around me. I’m only recently realizing the true meaning behind the argument for the shorter work day. While I’m diligently working it’s practically impossible to simultaneously be living.
Tired people waste time, their minds run down and their bodies exhausted. People who live like people, not like machines, they’re able to function like people, to appreciate life and to live it. We aren’t machines.
I really appreciate how Erich Fromm speaks of the time prison we’ve placed ourselves in. We are forced to wake at a specific time. We must work for a specific period of time. We have set bedtimes based on these demands. We’re always submitting to the clock. Once we’re offered a bit of freedom from our rigid routine we generally rebel and then simply waste time. When time isn’t pushing us around we tend to sit on our behinds and just ignore it. It seems that a shorter work day would offer more freedom. But what is freedom if you waste it? I’ve often felt surges of delight at the very mention of a shorter work day. To escape the time prison and have those few extra hours of unscheduled time, my heart soars at the thought. However I believe that my heart takes flight upon the dream of escaping time, of crawling out from its clutches, and childishly ignoring it, casting it off, and then of resting.
Work has been horrid lately. I’ve experienced several weeks with little work. I’ve routinely completed my tasks, headed home early with a glee for having the opportunity of escaping, and then I proceed to complete the remainder of the day sulking for the money I’ve lost and the bills I’ll inevitably be unable to pay. The dreadfully slow weeks are then followed by an outpouring of work. Last week was so busy that I had difficulty finding time to think, to relax, and to breathe. This week is turning out to be even worse. I want to appreciate each moment. I want to spend time increasing, growing, and reflecting upon the world which surrounds me. I desire adamantly to commune with God. I know of little else I enjoy as much as studying scriptures and speaking to my Heavenly Father about them. Additionally I have a pile of books just waiting to be read, books I am practically craving. And yet day after day after day I wake before the sun, rush from my home, and toil quite speedily for longer than my mind is even capable of operating. Then I drive home just before the sun begins to set a bit soar, quite dazed, and extremely tired. This is followed by the nightly routine of exercise, dinner, and a little bit of rushed cleaning. During the rush of obligation I lose myself. Little thought escapes, no knew input finds its way in, and my eyes hardly manage to notice the world around me. I’m only recently realizing the true meaning behind the argument for the shorter work day. While I’m diligently working it’s practically impossible to simultaneously be living.
Tired people waste time, their minds run down and their bodies exhausted. People who live like people, not like machines, they’re able to function like people, to appreciate life and to live it. We aren’t machines.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Day 78
How is it that we're able to crave anything at all when the world that surrounds us is so spectacular, exciting, and new every moment?
24. You are very kind - Es usted muy amable
25. You are very helpful - Usted es muy útil
26. You are very fun - Está muy divertido
24. You are very kind - Es usted muy amable
25. You are very helpful - Usted es muy útil
26. You are very fun - Está muy divertido
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Snow on the first day of spring, Day 77
Over a week of warm, almost daily 60 degree weather has been wonderful after such a long cold snowy winter. I think that the snow in Michigan is beautiful. Freshly fallen, thick and deep, and brilliantly white it makes everything look clean and new. However I was delighted when it finally started to melt. Once every flake was gone and the ground was thawed; once I could see dry grass that was beggining to turn green again; once I noticed the tulips pushing through the ground and the buds on the trees; once I smelt the fresh warm air of spring I felt revived and ready for the next chapter in the cycle of seasons.
Today was the first day of spring. At 8:30 this morning I opened my front door and saw a white snow covered world before me. I was shocked. Then I remembered that I live in Michigan. It snows here in March. March came in like a lamb and it must go out like a lion. There's no use fighting it. There's no use complaining about it or crying and cussing out the beautiful white snow which soon will be gone for many many months to come. I've decided that this first day of spring's snowy arrival is wonderful. The snow won't stay long. Spring is close at hand. Life is beggining to bloom once again. Today's snow is just a subtle reminder of how thankful we should be for the newness that is just beggining again.
Today was a good day.
Today was the first day of spring. At 8:30 this morning I opened my front door and saw a white snow covered world before me. I was shocked. Then I remembered that I live in Michigan. It snows here in March. March came in like a lamb and it must go out like a lion. There's no use fighting it. There's no use complaining about it or crying and cussing out the beautiful white snow which soon will be gone for many many months to come. I've decided that this first day of spring's snowy arrival is wonderful. The snow won't stay long. Spring is close at hand. Life is beggining to bloom once again. Today's snow is just a subtle reminder of how thankful we should be for the newness that is just beggining again.
Today was a good day.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Trying to be, Day 76
I think I've been doing a pretty awful job at this whole "being" thing lately. I think I've mostly just been existing. I've been tired, unmotivated, and uninterested. Should it be so difficult to BE? I read in "To have or to be" the other day that people “being” disconnected from a having existence would be much like a drug addict's detox and withdrawals. I think that having to force myself to focus on living, to focus on increasing, to focus on being is much like someone who forces themselves to not partake of the substance they're letting go of. It is work. I'm excited about the results and the process but right now I feel like I'm not doing so well. I guess this just means I'm going to have to try harder.
There's this tricky business of balance that I've yet to figure out how to tackle. I adamantly desire to live a being existence separate from a having one. I'd like this whole year to be subject to this process of learning how to be and learning how to let go of having (this must sound rather asinine to most people, having not read the book). But I don't want to HAVE a being existence. This cannot be a "thing" I'm working to attain. It is a way of living. It is a way of thinking and relating to the world. It's not a goal, like a marathon that has a finish line and a prize. It's more similar to the basic act of running. I’ve been treating it like a marathon lately. I know this. I see this. But I cannot quite figure out how to attain a balance between trying to live a being existence and trying to have a being existence. Ay!
Update: So far I am on track with getting rid of a thing for each day of this year. I’ve literally made 7 purchases, in terms of items/ things thus far in 2010. Yay! I’ve also made resolutions as to certain items I am definitely refraining from acquiring this year, like new shoes. I haven’t had a drop of coffee since January 31st (which includes decaf as well (although there was one REALLY close call at THE COFFEE SHOP in Muskegon (thank you Starr for steering me clear of the temptation!))) I haven’t been reading as much as I’d like to but I’ve almost finished 7 books these first three months of 2010. My Spanish vocab is suffering but I believe I will catch up. I’m learning to like people. I’m living in a different world than the one I inhabited only a few months ago.
22. To help - Ayudar
23. Squirrel - Ardilla
There's this tricky business of balance that I've yet to figure out how to tackle. I adamantly desire to live a being existence separate from a having one. I'd like this whole year to be subject to this process of learning how to be and learning how to let go of having (this must sound rather asinine to most people, having not read the book). But I don't want to HAVE a being existence. This cannot be a "thing" I'm working to attain. It is a way of living. It is a way of thinking and relating to the world. It's not a goal, like a marathon that has a finish line and a prize. It's more similar to the basic act of running. I’ve been treating it like a marathon lately. I know this. I see this. But I cannot quite figure out how to attain a balance between trying to live a being existence and trying to have a being existence. Ay!
Update: So far I am on track with getting rid of a thing for each day of this year. I’ve literally made 7 purchases, in terms of items/ things thus far in 2010. Yay! I’ve also made resolutions as to certain items I am definitely refraining from acquiring this year, like new shoes. I haven’t had a drop of coffee since January 31st (which includes decaf as well (although there was one REALLY close call at THE COFFEE SHOP in Muskegon (thank you Starr for steering me clear of the temptation!))) I haven’t been reading as much as I’d like to but I’ve almost finished 7 books these first three months of 2010. My Spanish vocab is suffering but I believe I will catch up. I’m learning to like people. I’m living in a different world than the one I inhabited only a few months ago.
22. To help - Ayudar
23. Squirrel - Ardilla
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Free Will, Day 75
Lately I’ve been wanting to eat as badly as possible. I am mostly lazy, not wanting to clean or attend to anything. And my will power for not spending money has been breaking. I go through stages. For weeks I will be strong and mighty, able to resist any temptation as if it were a nat. Then the weeks will arrive when I feel like a puddle of mud, not an ounce of strength in me, just yuck and muck and other bad stuff.
Several years ago you’d have heard me say quite often, “why did God give us this free will crap?” I’d often wish He would just make me be good, make me do good, take the me out of the picture and leave just a perfectly good Michal. And then at one point in time, actually I remember it quite vividly. It was during April 2007 the second year that I went to Guatemala. I was reading in the first few chapters of Genesis every morning while I was there. One morning I was asking God my usual question, “why did you give us this free will crap anyways?” I spiced it up a little with, “You know, you just shouldn’t have put that stupid tree in the garden!” And then it hit me: without free will, without the ability to choose wrong or right there is no love. Love is selfless, it is beautiful and wonderful, but it is also very much a choice. It’s quite possibly the most important choice any of us makes all throughout the entirety of every single day. If we didn’t have free will then we could not love. God created us, I believe, so that He could love us and He adamantly desires that we also love Him. But it’s our choice.
I’m glad I’ve been given that choice. I can say that for all my weakness, and all my snarling, for all my forgetting that God desires for me to talk to Him and share my heart with Him, I do love Him. I’m glad that I can make the decision to spend time before Him. I’m glad that I can make the decision to recognize the beauty and blessing He’s showered upon my life. I’m glad that I can make the choice to live my life for Him the way He sees best, the way His heart desires. I’m glad that I can choose to thank Him for the gifts He gives me, to show my gratitude for His love. Even though sometimes I really REALLY want to make the wrong choices (and of course regularly do) I am glad that I’ve been given the choice.
If a thing is free to be good it is also free to be bad. And free will is what has made evil possible. Why, then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata – of creatures that worked like machines – would hardly be worth creating. The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is that happiness of being freely, VOLUNTARILY united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight…
- C.S. Lewis
Several years ago you’d have heard me say quite often, “why did God give us this free will crap?” I’d often wish He would just make me be good, make me do good, take the me out of the picture and leave just a perfectly good Michal. And then at one point in time, actually I remember it quite vividly. It was during April 2007 the second year that I went to Guatemala. I was reading in the first few chapters of Genesis every morning while I was there. One morning I was asking God my usual question, “why did you give us this free will crap anyways?” I spiced it up a little with, “You know, you just shouldn’t have put that stupid tree in the garden!” And then it hit me: without free will, without the ability to choose wrong or right there is no love. Love is selfless, it is beautiful and wonderful, but it is also very much a choice. It’s quite possibly the most important choice any of us makes all throughout the entirety of every single day. If we didn’t have free will then we could not love. God created us, I believe, so that He could love us and He adamantly desires that we also love Him. But it’s our choice.
I’m glad I’ve been given that choice. I can say that for all my weakness, and all my snarling, for all my forgetting that God desires for me to talk to Him and share my heart with Him, I do love Him. I’m glad that I can make the decision to spend time before Him. I’m glad that I can make the decision to recognize the beauty and blessing He’s showered upon my life. I’m glad that I can make the choice to live my life for Him the way He sees best, the way His heart desires. I’m glad that I can choose to thank Him for the gifts He gives me, to show my gratitude for His love. Even though sometimes I really REALLY want to make the wrong choices (and of course regularly do) I am glad that I’ve been given the choice.
If a thing is free to be good it is also free to be bad. And free will is what has made evil possible. Why, then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata – of creatures that worked like machines – would hardly be worth creating. The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is that happiness of being freely, VOLUNTARILY united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight…
- C.S. Lewis
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Chocolate Easter Bunny, Day 74
As I was walking past the Easter display at Meijer I noticed a chocolate bunny with broken ears. My heart sank a tiny bit and I felt sorrowful for the little guy. “Ohh, no one’s going to want you, poor little bunny.” A moment later I remembered clearance and a glimmer of hope came into view.
After this brief encounter I had to ask myself why I get so emotional or emotional at all for that matter, over inanimate objects like Easter bunnies with broken ears. I saw a tiny stuffed bear with green paint on it once. It was a rather expensive little bear but he was really really cute. I felt awful about his blemish and I was convinced that no one would buy him. I didn’t buy him (which I’m still a tad bit remorseful about) but I did pick him up and put him back SEVERAL times. I left the store without the bear almost in tears.
I tend to exert emotion over inanimate objects without faces as well. It’s not just cute little animal type things. I thought this over for a bit and came to this grand realization. Ready for it… EVERYTHING was made for a purpose. Every little thing from a button to a house was made with a purpose. I genuinely feel heartbroken over the things which aren’t meeting the purpose they were made for. What’s worse even is a thing never having the opportunity to meet its purpose. To be crafted and then tossed in a landfill, I can think of nothing more awful (ok, I can think of a few things more awful).
I realize that these things I speak of, chocolate Easter bunnies, cute little teddy bear, buttons, and all the random nonsense that overflows our homes and landfills haven’t any feelings. They aren’t living. They’re just things. I thought more upon the matter and I came to the realization that just about every single thing we encounter began with something living. Life was captured and quenched so that this thing could be formed with a single purpose in its future. I hadn’t really thought of this before. I’m not a fan of life being wasted. I think we should respect it, cherish it, marvel at it, we should encourage life and support it, in people and in all the awesome things that God created and has surrounded us with. If a chocolate Easter bunny has been brought into existence by the hands of man due to the life that God has covered the earth with, well broken ears or not that chocolate Easter bunny should be joyfully eaten.
And same goes for you. If God knew you before you were even formed, if He placed your specific gifts within you, gave you your talents, hopes, desires and dreams, well broken ears or not you should joyfully be who you are.
20. Sunny - Soleado
21. Rabbit - Conejo
After this brief encounter I had to ask myself why I get so emotional or emotional at all for that matter, over inanimate objects like Easter bunnies with broken ears. I saw a tiny stuffed bear with green paint on it once. It was a rather expensive little bear but he was really really cute. I felt awful about his blemish and I was convinced that no one would buy him. I didn’t buy him (which I’m still a tad bit remorseful about) but I did pick him up and put him back SEVERAL times. I left the store without the bear almost in tears.
I tend to exert emotion over inanimate objects without faces as well. It’s not just cute little animal type things. I thought this over for a bit and came to this grand realization. Ready for it… EVERYTHING was made for a purpose. Every little thing from a button to a house was made with a purpose. I genuinely feel heartbroken over the things which aren’t meeting the purpose they were made for. What’s worse even is a thing never having the opportunity to meet its purpose. To be crafted and then tossed in a landfill, I can think of nothing more awful (ok, I can think of a few things more awful).
I realize that these things I speak of, chocolate Easter bunnies, cute little teddy bear, buttons, and all the random nonsense that overflows our homes and landfills haven’t any feelings. They aren’t living. They’re just things. I thought more upon the matter and I came to the realization that just about every single thing we encounter began with something living. Life was captured and quenched so that this thing could be formed with a single purpose in its future. I hadn’t really thought of this before. I’m not a fan of life being wasted. I think we should respect it, cherish it, marvel at it, we should encourage life and support it, in people and in all the awesome things that God created and has surrounded us with. If a chocolate Easter bunny has been brought into existence by the hands of man due to the life that God has covered the earth with, well broken ears or not that chocolate Easter bunny should be joyfully eaten.
And same goes for you. If God knew you before you were even formed, if He placed your specific gifts within you, gave you your talents, hopes, desires and dreams, well broken ears or not you should joyfully be who you are.
20. Sunny - Soleado
21. Rabbit - Conejo
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Beautiful warm sunshiny BLAH, Day 73
I'm so tired today. I hate daylight savings time. I have a never ending list of things that need attending to. The stuff in my life is getting the better of me today. I want to sit and read or to sit and relax but I cannot do it. I need to attend the the THINGS. I'm so tired today.
Monday, March 15, 2010
micharobotica-2010, Day 72
I feel like I was a robot today. I was at work for 12 hours and then I came home and worked out. Now my day is basically over. No music, no books, no real social interaction. I can’t actually remember feeling any emotions today either. I hardly prayed and I hardly thought (real thoughts). I focused on the task at hand all day. Time flew by, which is great when working for 12 hours but now this day is gone and I didn’t even live it. I even ate robotically, not enjoying anything I dined upon but rather just quickly fueling up to increase energy and decrease hunger pains. That was my day.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Utopians, Day 71
Those who unconsciously despair yet put on the mask of optimisim are not necessarily wise. But those who have not given up hope can succeed only if they are hardheaded realists, shed all illusions, and fully appreciate the difficulties. This sobriety marks the distinction between awake and dreaming “utopians.”
-Erich Fromm
Does anyone else think that Christians are using the return of Christ as a poor excuse for being irresponsible towards the world we live in? I do.
Our ozone is failing. Our glaciers are melting. The water on this planet is becoming more and more polluted. Our landfills are despicable. Our natural resources are quite possibly running out. The wild free natural landscapes that were home to countless numbers of animals and plant species are decreasing and species are rapidly dying off in consequence. Mankind is seemingly becoming more and more selfish, egocentric, and greedy. The gap between the wealthy and the impoverished is continually increasing. We’re consuming more and more while simultaneously discarding, wasting, and destroying more and more.
I believe that practically everyone is aware of these problems but our current overall attitude seems to be one of disregard. We act as if the problems are far too big to resolve and so we just shouldn’t pay attention to them. Anyone who refuses to recycle, use less energy, consume less wasteful products, anyone who refuses to open their eyes and admit the truth of our catastrophe is, well sadly they’re one of the vast majority of us homo sapiens who are destroying the planet we call home.
What is possibly worse, and I know I let the thought linger in the back of my mind is that most Christians believe that Christ will return soon. We haven’t a clue as to what soon means but we believe He will and this gives us cause to ignore the problems. “The earth will end eventually. Jesus is coming back. Our sun cannot even last forever so I’m just not going to think about it.” I am feeling ashamed for ever having felt this way in the least and for the, maybe billions of people who currently hold this position. We should be responsible for everything we’ve been given. And as we’ve chosen to acquire, and to consume, and to use more and more and more of everything, well we have all the more to be responsible for. I don’t think anyone can use the excuse that they’re juggling too many balls so it’s perfectly ok if they let which ever ones they so chose fall and crush mankind. Maybe we need to get rid of some of the balls we’re juggling.
Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon you. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter.
James 5:1, 5
18. Already, now, finally - YA
19. This - Esto (What is this - Que es esto)
-Erich Fromm
Does anyone else think that Christians are using the return of Christ as a poor excuse for being irresponsible towards the world we live in? I do.
Our ozone is failing. Our glaciers are melting. The water on this planet is becoming more and more polluted. Our landfills are despicable. Our natural resources are quite possibly running out. The wild free natural landscapes that were home to countless numbers of animals and plant species are decreasing and species are rapidly dying off in consequence. Mankind is seemingly becoming more and more selfish, egocentric, and greedy. The gap between the wealthy and the impoverished is continually increasing. We’re consuming more and more while simultaneously discarding, wasting, and destroying more and more.
I believe that practically everyone is aware of these problems but our current overall attitude seems to be one of disregard. We act as if the problems are far too big to resolve and so we just shouldn’t pay attention to them. Anyone who refuses to recycle, use less energy, consume less wasteful products, anyone who refuses to open their eyes and admit the truth of our catastrophe is, well sadly they’re one of the vast majority of us homo sapiens who are destroying the planet we call home.
What is possibly worse, and I know I let the thought linger in the back of my mind is that most Christians believe that Christ will return soon. We haven’t a clue as to what soon means but we believe He will and this gives us cause to ignore the problems. “The earth will end eventually. Jesus is coming back. Our sun cannot even last forever so I’m just not going to think about it.” I am feeling ashamed for ever having felt this way in the least and for the, maybe billions of people who currently hold this position. We should be responsible for everything we’ve been given. And as we’ve chosen to acquire, and to consume, and to use more and more and more of everything, well we have all the more to be responsible for. I don’t think anyone can use the excuse that they’re juggling too many balls so it’s perfectly ok if they let which ever ones they so chose fall and crush mankind. Maybe we need to get rid of some of the balls we’re juggling.
Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon you. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter.
James 5:1, 5
18. Already, now, finally - YA
19. This - Esto (What is this - Que es esto)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
It was easy as pie (that’s a saying right?), Day 70
The only meaningful way of life is activity in the world; not activity in general but the activity of giving and caring for fellow creatures.
-Erich Fromm
Yesterday while looking back at day 68 I was beginning to think that my day of friendliness was a fluke just as I had suspected. Wednesday I tried to say hi and speak with people but I didn’t feel the urging I had Tuesday. It was more of a task than it had been the day before. The fun of it wasn’t really there. Thursday I looked at the ground unconsciously almost every time I said hi to someone. As soon as my head dropped I’d realize what had just happened, popped it back up, and too late, the passerby would be gone.
Last night Jesse’s band “The Pellows” had a show. I’ve never been a fan of large social events, or small social events for that matter. I hate how people are SOOO reserved amongst each other. I cannot stand the little defense mechanism games we play in order to ‘try’ and relate while still holding up every wall necessary to keep everyone out. I’ll admit that I’m fascinated watching the various ways people interact, the many different methods for playing the game. Some people are so overly nice and friendly to anyone who enters their bubble. It’s an absolute necessity that everyone know “I’m an awesome, wonderful person.” However when the bubble is restored to safety the awesome wonderful person tears apart the individual he or she just encountered. “Can you believe her shoes?.. Did he really say THAT?.. Oh my gosh what a whore!” Some people act cool, spouting off interesting, shocking, or completely random comments in order to knock others off their feet. I believe the subconscious rationalizes that “If I say something really strange either they’ll leave me alone because they aren’t capable of handling my uniqueness or they’ll be really impressed and think I’m unique.” I think the most opted for mode of self preservation is to just try and avoid people. Say as little as possible and no one will notice you or think anything bad or good of you. Don’t look people in the eye, just glance at them out of the corner of your eye. Blend in. Be normal. Lay low. It’s all quite fascinating, but tiring as well. Why do we go to such lengths to “stay safe” and to stay away?
Side note: there is an element which once introduced into this game dissolves most of the walls, breaks through most of the defense mechanisms and helps people to relate. If a person consumes enough alcohol they acquire super powers that enable them to be free. They can talk, and laugh, they can dance, and touch, they can have fun and live it up despite who’s looking. But without it they’re crippled to society. It’d be a dream come true if I ever discovered a room full of people who could soberly interact the way alcohol influenced people do.
I walked into the crowd of strangers last night hoping to love. I wanted to reach out to people, relate to people, and I wanted to drop every wall, let go of all defense mechanisms and just be me. I tried not to notice every set of eyes in the room. I reassured myself that the eyes looking or not looking at me weren’t committing a crime and couldn’t hurt me. I looked at people, not out of the corner of my eyes but straight on. I said hi and smiled and didn’t look down. I possessed a super human strength to just be me.
The first band was quite good. I wanted to walk up to them, introduce myself, meet them and let them know that I enjoyed their show. This is something I’ve always wanted to do but I’ve never been able to. I think I was a very well trained elementary student and an acceptable motto for my life could be “I don’t talk to strangers.” But I did it. I kicked the walls down, left my prideful fear outside of the building and just manned up. The bassist was attempting to bring her amp down a flight of stairs and I walked up to her said hello and asked if she needed assistance. It was easy as pie. We continued to talk and I quickly came to the realization that I had just met an incredibly awesome individual from Indiana with a wonderful personality and a countless number of shared interests.
The meeting fueled a fire in me to find other new friends and I was like a lioness on the lookout for the perfect meeting. After a short while had passed I found my next victim. I had all the strength and determination necessary to accomplish the feat and as soon as the music died down I was going to meet her and she would be meeting me. What happened next however was shocking. I’m standing there waiting for the music to cease, ready, waiting, and before I knew it she was standing in front of me shouting her name and inquiring of mine. She talked to my sister and me for, maybe 15 minutes after the music stopped as if we were best friends or something. AND at a different point in time another person just randomly began talking to me. I can only guess that after I kicked those walls of mine down people noticed or something and then while I was open to talking and meeting and wasn’t worried about whatever it is we worry about while not interacting with people, people started to interact with me.
I’m going to proclaim that Tuesday, Day 68’s accomplishments weren’t a fluke. I’m really growing. I love it. It’s humbling admitting all of this to anyone who may be reading. But it’s taking a real effort to break through years and years of protecting myself from being seen. Wow, I really think I might be starting to like people.
You are proud that you inspire fear in others. And you are proud because you live in a rock fortress and hide high in the mountains. But don't fool yourselves! Though you live among the peaks with the eagles, I will bring you crashing down," says the LORD.
Jer 49:16 (NLT)
17. Pancake - Panqueque
-Erich Fromm
Yesterday while looking back at day 68 I was beginning to think that my day of friendliness was a fluke just as I had suspected. Wednesday I tried to say hi and speak with people but I didn’t feel the urging I had Tuesday. It was more of a task than it had been the day before. The fun of it wasn’t really there. Thursday I looked at the ground unconsciously almost every time I said hi to someone. As soon as my head dropped I’d realize what had just happened, popped it back up, and too late, the passerby would be gone.
Last night Jesse’s band “The Pellows” had a show. I’ve never been a fan of large social events, or small social events for that matter. I hate how people are SOOO reserved amongst each other. I cannot stand the little defense mechanism games we play in order to ‘try’ and relate while still holding up every wall necessary to keep everyone out. I’ll admit that I’m fascinated watching the various ways people interact, the many different methods for playing the game. Some people are so overly nice and friendly to anyone who enters their bubble. It’s an absolute necessity that everyone know “I’m an awesome, wonderful person.” However when the bubble is restored to safety the awesome wonderful person tears apart the individual he or she just encountered. “Can you believe her shoes?.. Did he really say THAT?.. Oh my gosh what a whore!” Some people act cool, spouting off interesting, shocking, or completely random comments in order to knock others off their feet. I believe the subconscious rationalizes that “If I say something really strange either they’ll leave me alone because they aren’t capable of handling my uniqueness or they’ll be really impressed and think I’m unique.” I think the most opted for mode of self preservation is to just try and avoid people. Say as little as possible and no one will notice you or think anything bad or good of you. Don’t look people in the eye, just glance at them out of the corner of your eye. Blend in. Be normal. Lay low. It’s all quite fascinating, but tiring as well. Why do we go to such lengths to “stay safe” and to stay away?
Side note: there is an element which once introduced into this game dissolves most of the walls, breaks through most of the defense mechanisms and helps people to relate. If a person consumes enough alcohol they acquire super powers that enable them to be free. They can talk, and laugh, they can dance, and touch, they can have fun and live it up despite who’s looking. But without it they’re crippled to society. It’d be a dream come true if I ever discovered a room full of people who could soberly interact the way alcohol influenced people do.
I walked into the crowd of strangers last night hoping to love. I wanted to reach out to people, relate to people, and I wanted to drop every wall, let go of all defense mechanisms and just be me. I tried not to notice every set of eyes in the room. I reassured myself that the eyes looking or not looking at me weren’t committing a crime and couldn’t hurt me. I looked at people, not out of the corner of my eyes but straight on. I said hi and smiled and didn’t look down. I possessed a super human strength to just be me.
The first band was quite good. I wanted to walk up to them, introduce myself, meet them and let them know that I enjoyed their show. This is something I’ve always wanted to do but I’ve never been able to. I think I was a very well trained elementary student and an acceptable motto for my life could be “I don’t talk to strangers.” But I did it. I kicked the walls down, left my prideful fear outside of the building and just manned up. The bassist was attempting to bring her amp down a flight of stairs and I walked up to her said hello and asked if she needed assistance. It was easy as pie. We continued to talk and I quickly came to the realization that I had just met an incredibly awesome individual from Indiana with a wonderful personality and a countless number of shared interests.
The meeting fueled a fire in me to find other new friends and I was like a lioness on the lookout for the perfect meeting. After a short while had passed I found my next victim. I had all the strength and determination necessary to accomplish the feat and as soon as the music died down I was going to meet her and she would be meeting me. What happened next however was shocking. I’m standing there waiting for the music to cease, ready, waiting, and before I knew it she was standing in front of me shouting her name and inquiring of mine. She talked to my sister and me for, maybe 15 minutes after the music stopped as if we were best friends or something. AND at a different point in time another person just randomly began talking to me. I can only guess that after I kicked those walls of mine down people noticed or something and then while I was open to talking and meeting and wasn’t worried about whatever it is we worry about while not interacting with people, people started to interact with me.
I’m going to proclaim that Tuesday, Day 68’s accomplishments weren’t a fluke. I’m really growing. I love it. It’s humbling admitting all of this to anyone who may be reading. But it’s taking a real effort to break through years and years of protecting myself from being seen. Wow, I really think I might be starting to like people.
You are proud that you inspire fear in others. And you are proud because you live in a rock fortress and hide high in the mountains. But don't fool yourselves! Though you live among the peaks with the eagles, I will bring you crashing down," says the LORD.
Jer 49:16 (NLT)
17. Pancake - Panqueque
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Taking care of the gift, Day 69
Simple thought for the day:
I've heard people complain about LOVE being described as a selfless act of giving. Some think that love should require love. But if love requires love then it's not really an act of giving at all. If you're loving in order that you might be loved then you're really just engaged in a manipulative form of taking. The question is, if I'm just giving of myself, giving, giving, giving, and getting nothing back then is that something I really want to be apart of?
What crossed my mind today was that inorder to LOVE, give of oneself, fullfill others needs, give, give, give, you kind of have to be full first. I mean you have to have something to give. You can't meet a need if you're not equiped to meet it. You can't give of yourself if there's nothing good in you (people sure don't want the bad stuff). So loving really is a selfless act of giving BUT inorder to love you have to take care of yourself, love yourself first, get filled up with all the goodies that you want to share with everyone else. I think it's neat how that works. You can't neglect the gift if you want the recipient to enjoy it!
We love because HE first loved us!
I've heard people complain about LOVE being described as a selfless act of giving. Some think that love should require love. But if love requires love then it's not really an act of giving at all. If you're loving in order that you might be loved then you're really just engaged in a manipulative form of taking. The question is, if I'm just giving of myself, giving, giving, giving, and getting nothing back then is that something I really want to be apart of?
What crossed my mind today was that inorder to LOVE, give of oneself, fullfill others needs, give, give, give, you kind of have to be full first. I mean you have to have something to give. You can't meet a need if you're not equiped to meet it. You can't give of yourself if there's nothing good in you (people sure don't want the bad stuff). So loving really is a selfless act of giving BUT inorder to love you have to take care of yourself, love yourself first, get filled up with all the goodies that you want to share with everyone else. I think it's neat how that works. You can't neglect the gift if you want the recipient to enjoy it!
We love because HE first loved us!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Maybe people aren't so bad, Day 68
Today was SO weird. I actually liked people.
I've been really focusing on honoring people (the big fishes and the little fishes). I've slowly been realizing that pride causes it's owner to fret about how he or she looks in everyone else's eyes. Its not easy to step out on a limb and talk to people if you're worried that you're going to say something stupid or look like of fool. Pride sets you up, higher than you actually are, and while standing tippy toe on top of your pedestal it's really really easy to fall off. What I've been calling timidty for a few decades I think is actually something much uglier.
I guess what I'm saying is that I've decided to step down (and ideally I won't be climbing back up). I'd actually rather look up to people. Instead of always looking at how someone isn't the same as me (I know I'm making myself out to sound like a real jerk but everyone has things about them that suck) I'm starting to see how all people are really special just like me. I'm really special because God made me and He loves me and I couldn't ask for anything more than that.
Today I forced myself to not look at the floor everytime I said hello to someone. I always look at the floor after I say hello. Additionally I was really excited at my challenge and I tried to say hello to everyone I saw. I love saying hi to the older people that shop at Meijer. The majority of them have beautiful warm smiles to offer and just saying good-morning to one of them brightens my day. It was facinating. I was excited about looking at people, about talking to people, and I was trying to interact with people. EVERYONE was interesting to me. EVERYONE seemed special and unique. Usually most people just annoy me. I felt like a totally different person. I liked the person I was today (I do like me but the new and improved me was even better). I'm a little worried that today was a fluke. It seemed to good to be true. I'll try it again tomorrow and see what happens but I'm happy with how today progressed.
January was pretty awesome. February SUCKED (except that I had a pretty great birthday). March is turning out to be spectacular! And there's still two and a half months till June (which is going to be... I don't think there's a word for June's greatness).
17. (you) Keep -Guarde
18. Change - Vuelto
- Guarde el vuelto (keep the change)
19. Question - Pregunta
- Tengo una pregunta (I have a question)
I've been really focusing on honoring people (the big fishes and the little fishes). I've slowly been realizing that pride causes it's owner to fret about how he or she looks in everyone else's eyes. Its not easy to step out on a limb and talk to people if you're worried that you're going to say something stupid or look like of fool. Pride sets you up, higher than you actually are, and while standing tippy toe on top of your pedestal it's really really easy to fall off. What I've been calling timidty for a few decades I think is actually something much uglier.
I guess what I'm saying is that I've decided to step down (and ideally I won't be climbing back up). I'd actually rather look up to people. Instead of always looking at how someone isn't the same as me (I know I'm making myself out to sound like a real jerk but everyone has things about them that suck) I'm starting to see how all people are really special just like me. I'm really special because God made me and He loves me and I couldn't ask for anything more than that.
Today I forced myself to not look at the floor everytime I said hello to someone. I always look at the floor after I say hello. Additionally I was really excited at my challenge and I tried to say hello to everyone I saw. I love saying hi to the older people that shop at Meijer. The majority of them have beautiful warm smiles to offer and just saying good-morning to one of them brightens my day. It was facinating. I was excited about looking at people, about talking to people, and I was trying to interact with people. EVERYONE was interesting to me. EVERYONE seemed special and unique. Usually most people just annoy me. I felt like a totally different person. I liked the person I was today (I do like me but the new and improved me was even better). I'm a little worried that today was a fluke. It seemed to good to be true. I'll try it again tomorrow and see what happens but I'm happy with how today progressed.
January was pretty awesome. February SUCKED (except that I had a pretty great birthday). March is turning out to be spectacular! And there's still two and a half months till June (which is going to be... I don't think there's a word for June's greatness).
17. (you) Keep -Guarde
18. Change - Vuelto
- Guarde el vuelto (keep the change)
19. Question - Pregunta
- Tengo una pregunta (I have a question)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Flowers in Chichicastenango (EXCERPT), Day 67
I just spent a few hours reading/ writing my book about Guatemala. I don't have anything left to say right now. Maybe I'll actually finish this thing this year!!!
EXCERPT:
As I sat resting I could feel tension welling up inside of me. Soon we’d be heading back out into those mountains again and no one had volunteered to share the message at the feeding program that evening. I was feeling sick about it, not wanting to, but feeling like I should. Sarah was a bit annoyed at no one from the team volunteering. It’s a difficult thing to express with words, ones feeling that God; the creator of EVERYTHING; the guy ultimately in control from the beginning to the very end of time; the feeling that He is trying to tell you something. It’s a feeling that I know quite well, that I often ignore despite my absolute understanding of its validity, and it’s a feeling that I cannot hardly begin to explain. I felt like God was telling me to share the message at the feeding program; me, who was distressed about a woman and little girl maybe never understanding the Jesus they said they’d love; me who hadn’t enough faith for a healing in an old woman and her family; me who became so frustrated when a fellow team member couldn’t use a drill; me who was dealing with arrogance and pride when I’d travelled ___ miles to love; God was telling me to share the message about Him. I couldn’t say no. I came to Guatemala to love people and serve God. He was telling me to move and I couldn’t ignore Him.
Quivering, I walked up to Sarah. My stomach was doing somersaults. I was dizzy and I imagine she could see me shaking. “I’ll share the message,” I managed to mumble out the words. Then I interjected, “But I don’t want to and I feel sick!” With an interesting expression of confusion and compassion she said that I didn’t have to, but I told her that I did. She offered to go over her lesson with me and let me have her notes but I told her that I had something else in mind. Still shaking from a fear of everything imaginable, I quickly jotted down everything running through my head. I knew that if God had asked me to do something then He had a plan and that He would take care of everything along the way, but I didn’t feel any less sick about it. Before we left for the feeding program I asked Doug and Elda, two of the clowns that evening, if they wouldn’t mind helping me out with the lesson. I instructed them on what I had planned and they seemed excited to assist. I asked a few people to pray over me for peace and strength and so that the fear might cease. Then we were off.
I hate how sick I get about talking in front of people. I hate how paralyzing it is, how I cannot even hear myself speaking and how the words come shooting out of my mouth at the speed of light, totally undistinguishable and jumbled together. I don’t know why I agreed to do it. I was a little angry with God for asking me. I was committed, there was no backing down, but the truck ride to the feeding program couldn’t have been shorter. Climbing down from the metal chariot, I brushed off as much of the dust as possible. I didn’t play with any of the children. I paced around nervously hoping my moment in the grand production wouldn’t come. Jose would interpret. He smiled at me a few times reassuringly, indicating that everything would be fine. His amiable glances were comforting. I remembered how nervous he’d been the year before when Ron wrangled him into interpreting for us. Now he seemed like a different guy, full of confidence and eager at the task. Slowly I calmed down, a bit. We were at patzibal and I was happy to be back there. The year before I doubted I’d ever see it again and I had greatly hoped to.
Anxiously awaiting my moment in the spotlight I took a seat with a gorgeous family on the front row. I sat with a vibrant little boy named Juan, his bubbly little sister owning one of the largest smiles I’d yet seen, a super giggly little brother, and their incredibly calm, quite, seemingly almost sad mom who held a tiny little baby that she cared for the entire service; feeding, rocking, patting, swaddling; ect. The little family was beautiful and it was a delight to sit with them and observe their rapport and harmony.
As I sat there I told myself a few times, “it’s just like Sunday school. Pretend that all the people here are your kindergarteners. There’s nothing to be scared of. Your kindergartners in Sunday school aren’t intimidating.” And then I was up. Still shaking I greeted the crowd of ‘kindergarteners.’ Jose repeated every word I said but in Spanish. The first few minutes of the experience I was thrown off by the pause for interpretation. I’d begin to start a new sentence when Jose started repeating the one I’d just said. I stopped frozen, waiting for him to pause, and then resumed speaking to the ‘kindergarteners.’ I spent a few minutes telling them that Jesus was my best friend. I told them that he is the best friend that anyone can ever have and that he desires to be friends with each of them. Even though I was confused as to how they might obtain a friendship with him I shared everything in my heart. I told them what I knew of God and His Son Jesus. The crowd listened intently. Every eye was on me, even though they didn’t understand a word I said. With each interpretation the room full of eyes would turn to Jose. He said everything I said, but better. As I stood listening to him give my message I felt foolish at the amount of worry I’d poured into the moment. It didn’t matter how fast I spoke, or how jumbled the words came out. It didn’t matter what I said even, Jose regurgitated everything with a friendly smile, inviting energy, and with sincerity. He captivated the crowd with a message that spoke even to me. I was in awe listening to what he had to say even though I’d said it first. At times it was difficult to stay on track after listening to him. He’d turn to me to continue, and I’d suddenly remember that I was the one giving the message not him. I half expected him to continue without me several times. But he didn’t.
I spoke to the crowd about making decisions, about wrong and right. My clown helpers, Daisy and Disco (Elda and Doug) clumsily in a perfectly amusing clown like way acted out each example of right and wrong that I presented. Disco would give Daisy a flower and Daisy would angrily stomp it with her big clown feet. Disco would try and give Daisy a hug and then she’d haul off and slap him. The children and their mothers laughed at the two clowns arguing with each other. The entire crowd would attentively look back to hear me speak, and then Jose would captivate them. Daisy and Disco would enact another show, evoking additional laughter and smiles, and then the crowd would turn to me. I was astonished at the absolute enthrallment of the entire room. Everyone watched. Everyone listened.
I enjoyed very much the entire experience. I was so worried and overwhelmed at the idea of speaking in front of so many little eyes; eyes that would be examining me, judging me, evaluating me, and possibly seeing me for who I really was. It turns out those little eyes saw simply a friend wanting to share her heart with them. I glanced several times at the gorgeous little family I had been sitting with. The little boy Juan, he paid such close attention. He was one year older than my playful friend who I'd left with tears on our first visit to Patzibal. His hair was just a bit fuzzier but he was the same little boy, mi amigo. There was no mistaking his smile. He was the one I had such fun playing with before, the one who vanished, the one who evoked a waterfall of tears. I was blessed to have met his family. To see his mom taking such good care of her five little kids. They were clean, nicely dressed, playful, happy children. Their family, Juan's family, warmed my heart. I got to share Jesus with them and they left me with hope. Somewhere in the midst of it all I realized that although we left possibly never to return the Holy Spirit was there. The Helper that Jesus told His disciples of just before He ascended was in the hills of Guatemala and Bible or no Bible God was taking care of the children he’d formed from the dust and breathed life into. It was amazing.
I left Patzibal with a warmer, calmer, more peaceful feeling than most I’ve ever had before. I was no longer worried about the little boy. I felt confidence in God’s plan for his life. There was a peace in knowing that no matter how poor, no matter what challenges they might face, he has a beautiful family that loves each other. The bouncy, dusty truck ride home was euphoric. I’d had such fear about speaking, such doubt, and such an overwhelmingly disgusting discomfort. It had all been replaced by an absolute feeling of wholeness. I’ve found it’s good to listen to God. (Thank you Doug, Elda, and Jose)
EXCERPT:
As I sat resting I could feel tension welling up inside of me. Soon we’d be heading back out into those mountains again and no one had volunteered to share the message at the feeding program that evening. I was feeling sick about it, not wanting to, but feeling like I should. Sarah was a bit annoyed at no one from the team volunteering. It’s a difficult thing to express with words, ones feeling that God; the creator of EVERYTHING; the guy ultimately in control from the beginning to the very end of time; the feeling that He is trying to tell you something. It’s a feeling that I know quite well, that I often ignore despite my absolute understanding of its validity, and it’s a feeling that I cannot hardly begin to explain. I felt like God was telling me to share the message at the feeding program; me, who was distressed about a woman and little girl maybe never understanding the Jesus they said they’d love; me who hadn’t enough faith for a healing in an old woman and her family; me who became so frustrated when a fellow team member couldn’t use a drill; me who was dealing with arrogance and pride when I’d travelled ___ miles to love; God was telling me to share the message about Him. I couldn’t say no. I came to Guatemala to love people and serve God. He was telling me to move and I couldn’t ignore Him.
Quivering, I walked up to Sarah. My stomach was doing somersaults. I was dizzy and I imagine she could see me shaking. “I’ll share the message,” I managed to mumble out the words. Then I interjected, “But I don’t want to and I feel sick!” With an interesting expression of confusion and compassion she said that I didn’t have to, but I told her that I did. She offered to go over her lesson with me and let me have her notes but I told her that I had something else in mind. Still shaking from a fear of everything imaginable, I quickly jotted down everything running through my head. I knew that if God had asked me to do something then He had a plan and that He would take care of everything along the way, but I didn’t feel any less sick about it. Before we left for the feeding program I asked Doug and Elda, two of the clowns that evening, if they wouldn’t mind helping me out with the lesson. I instructed them on what I had planned and they seemed excited to assist. I asked a few people to pray over me for peace and strength and so that the fear might cease. Then we were off.
I hate how sick I get about talking in front of people. I hate how paralyzing it is, how I cannot even hear myself speaking and how the words come shooting out of my mouth at the speed of light, totally undistinguishable and jumbled together. I don’t know why I agreed to do it. I was a little angry with God for asking me. I was committed, there was no backing down, but the truck ride to the feeding program couldn’t have been shorter. Climbing down from the metal chariot, I brushed off as much of the dust as possible. I didn’t play with any of the children. I paced around nervously hoping my moment in the grand production wouldn’t come. Jose would interpret. He smiled at me a few times reassuringly, indicating that everything would be fine. His amiable glances were comforting. I remembered how nervous he’d been the year before when Ron wrangled him into interpreting for us. Now he seemed like a different guy, full of confidence and eager at the task. Slowly I calmed down, a bit. We were at patzibal and I was happy to be back there. The year before I doubted I’d ever see it again and I had greatly hoped to.
Anxiously awaiting my moment in the spotlight I took a seat with a gorgeous family on the front row. I sat with a vibrant little boy named Juan, his bubbly little sister owning one of the largest smiles I’d yet seen, a super giggly little brother, and their incredibly calm, quite, seemingly almost sad mom who held a tiny little baby that she cared for the entire service; feeding, rocking, patting, swaddling; ect. The little family was beautiful and it was a delight to sit with them and observe their rapport and harmony.
As I sat there I told myself a few times, “it’s just like Sunday school. Pretend that all the people here are your kindergarteners. There’s nothing to be scared of. Your kindergartners in Sunday school aren’t intimidating.” And then I was up. Still shaking I greeted the crowd of ‘kindergarteners.’ Jose repeated every word I said but in Spanish. The first few minutes of the experience I was thrown off by the pause for interpretation. I’d begin to start a new sentence when Jose started repeating the one I’d just said. I stopped frozen, waiting for him to pause, and then resumed speaking to the ‘kindergarteners.’ I spent a few minutes telling them that Jesus was my best friend. I told them that he is the best friend that anyone can ever have and that he desires to be friends with each of them. Even though I was confused as to how they might obtain a friendship with him I shared everything in my heart. I told them what I knew of God and His Son Jesus. The crowd listened intently. Every eye was on me, even though they didn’t understand a word I said. With each interpretation the room full of eyes would turn to Jose. He said everything I said, but better. As I stood listening to him give my message I felt foolish at the amount of worry I’d poured into the moment. It didn’t matter how fast I spoke, or how jumbled the words came out. It didn’t matter what I said even, Jose regurgitated everything with a friendly smile, inviting energy, and with sincerity. He captivated the crowd with a message that spoke even to me. I was in awe listening to what he had to say even though I’d said it first. At times it was difficult to stay on track after listening to him. He’d turn to me to continue, and I’d suddenly remember that I was the one giving the message not him. I half expected him to continue without me several times. But he didn’t.
I spoke to the crowd about making decisions, about wrong and right. My clown helpers, Daisy and Disco (Elda and Doug) clumsily in a perfectly amusing clown like way acted out each example of right and wrong that I presented. Disco would give Daisy a flower and Daisy would angrily stomp it with her big clown feet. Disco would try and give Daisy a hug and then she’d haul off and slap him. The children and their mothers laughed at the two clowns arguing with each other. The entire crowd would attentively look back to hear me speak, and then Jose would captivate them. Daisy and Disco would enact another show, evoking additional laughter and smiles, and then the crowd would turn to me. I was astonished at the absolute enthrallment of the entire room. Everyone watched. Everyone listened.
I enjoyed very much the entire experience. I was so worried and overwhelmed at the idea of speaking in front of so many little eyes; eyes that would be examining me, judging me, evaluating me, and possibly seeing me for who I really was. It turns out those little eyes saw simply a friend wanting to share her heart with them. I glanced several times at the gorgeous little family I had been sitting with. The little boy Juan, he paid such close attention. He was one year older than my playful friend who I'd left with tears on our first visit to Patzibal. His hair was just a bit fuzzier but he was the same little boy, mi amigo. There was no mistaking his smile. He was the one I had such fun playing with before, the one who vanished, the one who evoked a waterfall of tears. I was blessed to have met his family. To see his mom taking such good care of her five little kids. They were clean, nicely dressed, playful, happy children. Their family, Juan's family, warmed my heart. I got to share Jesus with them and they left me with hope. Somewhere in the midst of it all I realized that although we left possibly never to return the Holy Spirit was there. The Helper that Jesus told His disciples of just before He ascended was in the hills of Guatemala and Bible or no Bible God was taking care of the children he’d formed from the dust and breathed life into. It was amazing.
I left Patzibal with a warmer, calmer, more peaceful feeling than most I’ve ever had before. I was no longer worried about the little boy. I felt confidence in God’s plan for his life. There was a peace in knowing that no matter how poor, no matter what challenges they might face, he has a beautiful family that loves each other. The bouncy, dusty truck ride home was euphoric. I’d had such fear about speaking, such doubt, and such an overwhelmingly disgusting discomfort. It had all been replaced by an absolute feeling of wholeness. I’ve found it’s good to listen to God. (Thank you Doug, Elda, and Jose)
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Honor, Day 66
I am reminded today of Noah. After the flood In Chapter 9 of Genesis Noah planted a vineyard. He got drunk and became uncovered in his tent. Kind of like how Adam and Eve realized they were uncovered after they had eaten the fruit. Ham noticed his drunken dad and exposed his father’s nakedness BUT Shem and Japheth covered Noah. After Noah woke up he cursed Ham and all of his decedents. Apparently Ham did something really bad.
I love God the best I know how. I love people the best I know how. But I’m SOOOOO good at judging people. I notice flaws as if they were printed on a sign around someone’s neck. I pray against pride and I struggle to overlook imperfection but it is a struggle. I do the same with myself. I pick apart every word I say, every thought I think, everything. You’d think my eyes were magnifying glasses. I’m pretty sure that God made me the way I am but I think that no matter what I see, no matter how much magnifying these eyes might do there is a very important lesson in Genesis chapter 9 that I tend to overlook most of the time. Shem and Japheth covered Noah.
1 Peter 2:17 says “Honor ALL people.” Matt 5:44 and 45 says “love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you that you may be sons of your Father in heaven…” God’s not asking us to ignore people’s flaws but he is asking us to cover them, to NOT expose them, to pray for those flawed people and to be a blessing to them. Honor all people. We love because He first loved us (1 john 4:19). Honor all people. I think I need to wear this as a sign around my neck.
Therefore submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake, whether to the king as supreme, or to governors, as to those who are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and for the praise of those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men--as free, yet not using liberty as a cloak for vice, but as bondservants of God. 17 Honor all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king.
1 Pet. 2: 13-17
I love God the best I know how. I love people the best I know how. But I’m SOOOOO good at judging people. I notice flaws as if they were printed on a sign around someone’s neck. I pray against pride and I struggle to overlook imperfection but it is a struggle. I do the same with myself. I pick apart every word I say, every thought I think, everything. You’d think my eyes were magnifying glasses. I’m pretty sure that God made me the way I am but I think that no matter what I see, no matter how much magnifying these eyes might do there is a very important lesson in Genesis chapter 9 that I tend to overlook most of the time. Shem and Japheth covered Noah.
1 Peter 2:17 says “Honor ALL people.” Matt 5:44 and 45 says “love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you that you may be sons of your Father in heaven…” God’s not asking us to ignore people’s flaws but he is asking us to cover them, to NOT expose them, to pray for those flawed people and to be a blessing to them. Honor all people. We love because He first loved us (1 john 4:19). Honor all people. I think I need to wear this as a sign around my neck.
Therefore submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake, whether to the king as supreme, or to governors, as to those who are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and for the praise of those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men--as free, yet not using liberty as a cloak for vice, but as bondservants of God. 17 Honor all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king.
1 Pet. 2: 13-17
Friday, March 5, 2010
Radiance, Day 65
“The light of the righteous rejoices!” I read this verse this morning and I’ve been thinking about it all day. I LOVE it! Not only is the path of the righteous illuminated with brilliant light, a light which reveals truth and shines forth in love, but the light itself rejoices. The light is joyful. The light is giddy. The light shines with joy. I LOVE it! Scripture says (matt 17:4) that the course which leads to life is difficult and narrow and that few will find it. We cannot hardly find it and on our own. It is difficult and narrow once we’ve chosen to journey upon it. However the light of the righteous rejoices and all who’ve come to Jesus Christ have been made righteous by his obedience (Rom 5:19). Additionally the way of the righteous is raised up according to Prov. 15:19. This difficult narrow way that would seem almost treacherous to try and find and then even more so to navigate is in fact a path which God has raised up to meet us through His son. The path is illuminated with a brilliant light that increases color and beauty. It is a joyous light shining forth with truth, revelation, and freedom. The light rejoices before those who’ve been made righteous (through Christ Jesus).
The beauty contained within the scriptures sparks something within me; there aren’t words to express it. I cannot even fathom (however much I picture it in my mind) the throne room of my Father God. I cannot even fathom it.
The beauty contained within the scriptures sparks something within me; there aren’t words to express it. I cannot even fathom (however much I picture it in my mind) the throne room of my Father God. I cannot even fathom it.
June 11-19, Day 64
All day I’ve been experiencing an overwhelmingly eager anticipation for June’s arrival and this year’s trip to Guatemala. Tremendously joyous feelings accompany unending thoughts today of Guatemala’s people, of its landscape, the smells and food, the warmth and life I’ve discovered there, a life of purpose and meaning, fulfilling and wonderful. I truly have not and cannot stop thinking of the place my soul loves, the mountainous foreign place I will once again be returning to soon. I’m so excited, so giddy, and ridiculously eager to return. It appears as though today the whole of my day belongs to Guatemala. Today I’ve known an excitement, a joy, happiness and a hope that’s fueled my entire being, added a bounce to my step, warmth to my heart, and a very pleasant smile to my countenance. Thoughts of my past and future collide and have caused today to be spectacular (June 11 through 19 will be a million times more so).
The light of the righteous rejoices!
Prov. 13:9
14. Door - Puerta
15. Roof - Techo
16. Window - Ventana
The light of the righteous rejoices!
Prov. 13:9
14. Door - Puerta
15. Roof - Techo
16. Window - Ventana
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I’m thinking about Nature, Day 63
It seems that anytime one wanders into the remotest of places that there is where they discover immeasurable beauty. Wild fields filled with flowers of every color existing together an un-duplicate-able tapestry of splendor; lush forests containing every age, every size, seemingly every type of tree, grand, mesmerizing, and far beyond mans ability to replicate; waterfalls and bustling wildlife, ascending and descending landscapes, stones, boulders, mountains, hills; all these we manipulate, attempt to duplicate, destroy and demolish, take for granted and forget completely at times. The world would appear to be at its best in the places furthest from us and only when we search out these places or stumble upon them do we have the privilege to partake of the world’s grandest beauty.
I wonder why we so selfishly try to harness and utilize nature (to the extent that it is unable to any longer make up for what we’ve stolen). I understand that what it has to offer is far beyond the simple beauty that the eye can see. But I’ve only to glance at the hours of “yard work” needing my tending to realize I’ve interfered with nature’s beauty. We try to make everything our own. We try to control and have and use everything that crosses our paths. We try and try and try and try (and take and take) and I dare say we fail more often than we do succeed.
I think we were meant to exist within, tend to, respect and enjoy this world we’ve been placed in and all the life it has to offer. I think we try too hard. I think we just need to open our eyes and breathe, open our hearts and see; I think we just need to stop trying and start living. Breathing, seeing, living; all of these I hope will consume the day which awaits me.
He has made the earth by His power, He has established the world by His wisdom, and has stretched out the heavens at His discretion.
Jer 10:12
He has made the earth by His power; He has established the world by His wisdom, and stretched out the heaven by His understanding.
Jer 51:15
I wonder why we so selfishly try to harness and utilize nature (to the extent that it is unable to any longer make up for what we’ve stolen). I understand that what it has to offer is far beyond the simple beauty that the eye can see. But I’ve only to glance at the hours of “yard work” needing my tending to realize I’ve interfered with nature’s beauty. We try to make everything our own. We try to control and have and use everything that crosses our paths. We try and try and try and try (and take and take) and I dare say we fail more often than we do succeed.
I think we were meant to exist within, tend to, respect and enjoy this world we’ve been placed in and all the life it has to offer. I think we try too hard. I think we just need to open our eyes and breathe, open our hearts and see; I think we just need to stop trying and start living. Breathing, seeing, living; all of these I hope will consume the day which awaits me.
He has made the earth by His power, He has established the world by His wisdom, and has stretched out the heavens at His discretion.
Jer 10:12
He has made the earth by His power; He has established the world by His wisdom, and stretched out the heaven by His understanding.
Jer 51:15
13. Laugh, Laughter - Risa
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I don’t want to, Day 62
I was wondering today: what if you could choose to always desire exactly what everyone around you desired? I’m not suggesting you want the same thing they want so that they’re unable to have it but rather that you would be constantly in agreement with others. For example I get frustrated with Jesse all the time not because he disagrees with me but because I want him to want the same thing that I do. If I want to go for a walk I don’t want him to just go along because it’s my desire to walk, I want him to desire to walk as well. I constantly “go along for the ride” so to speak. If there’s a concert I have NO desire to attend I’ll attend it just because Jesse wants to. I wish I could want to attend the show the same as he does though.
I appreciate that Jesus prayed, Father if this cup may pass… but your will be done. Jesus did not want to go through with it but he did want what his Father wanted. It seems sort of contradicting, he didn’t want to do what God had planned, but he did want to do what God had planned. I don’t like to go to certain concerts or movies with Jesse but I do like to do what Jesse does. I don’t like to resist my sinful nature but I do wish to do what God has planned. “If this cup may pass,” is awesome. Even Jesus didn’t really want to do it. But he did. He struggled and then he did what was right. I guess it’s ok to struggle. It’s ok to not want to. It doesn’t feel ok but It’s ok to look sin in the face and then say no. Temptation, pride, selfishness, anger, frustration, anxiety, hate even; when they come knocking that doesn’t mean I’m an awful person. But I do need to lock the door, tell them to go away, and then I need to do my Father’s will.
I saw probably two brothers walking home from school today. The older held tightly onto the little ones shoulder as the little one pulled away to no avail. What if the older boy were to just let the little do as he wished? They may have never made it home. He was probably just bullying him but there’s a chance that the big brother was protecting the little one by not seeing things his way.
I have such need for a perspective shift.
I appreciate that Jesus prayed, Father if this cup may pass… but your will be done. Jesus did not want to go through with it but he did want what his Father wanted. It seems sort of contradicting, he didn’t want to do what God had planned, but he did want to do what God had planned. I don’t like to go to certain concerts or movies with Jesse but I do like to do what Jesse does. I don’t like to resist my sinful nature but I do wish to do what God has planned. “If this cup may pass,” is awesome. Even Jesus didn’t really want to do it. But he did. He struggled and then he did what was right. I guess it’s ok to struggle. It’s ok to not want to. It doesn’t feel ok but It’s ok to look sin in the face and then say no. Temptation, pride, selfishness, anger, frustration, anxiety, hate even; when they come knocking that doesn’t mean I’m an awful person. But I do need to lock the door, tell them to go away, and then I need to do my Father’s will.
I saw probably two brothers walking home from school today. The older held tightly onto the little ones shoulder as the little one pulled away to no avail. What if the older boy were to just let the little do as he wished? They may have never made it home. He was probably just bullying him but there’s a chance that the big brother was protecting the little one by not seeing things his way.
I have such need for a perspective shift.
Truth, Light, Beauty, Day 61
Truth is always truth, never changing, never increasing or decreasing, always exactly what it’s always been and will always be. The truth shall set you free if you dare pursue it.
Light, bright illuminating brilliant light expels all darkness. There is no place darkness can run, or hide, or escape to in the presence of light. Without it we’d know no color, we’d see no beauty, and I dare say we’d experience no joy.
Beauty sparks a thing within the coldest soul which can hardly be explained. However it is definitely a thing within the eye of the beholder. Beauty is a magical connection between our senses and heart.
These three, truth, light and beauty brought joy to me today.
But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.
Jn 3:21
Light, bright illuminating brilliant light expels all darkness. There is no place darkness can run, or hide, or escape to in the presence of light. Without it we’d know no color, we’d see no beauty, and I dare say we’d experience no joy.
Beauty sparks a thing within the coldest soul which can hardly be explained. However it is definitely a thing within the eye of the beholder. Beauty is a magical connection between our senses and heart.
These three, truth, light and beauty brought joy to me today.
But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.
Jn 3:21
Monday, March 1, 2010
Day 60
Two months down, 10 to go. I want coffee. I've been trying so hard to resist everything I feel I should be resisting that I've been forgetting the things I should be remembering. I didn't read the Bible today (yet) or yesterday. I don't know when was the last time I opened "to have or to be." I'm in the middle of reading five different books right now. I'm not sure how that happened but I think I need to start finishing them. Five is too many for me to handle. I NEED to finish the drawing I recently started (because I have an issue with completing anything and I need to work on that). And my house is a mess. I'm not really sure how people handle having children in their lives, I cannot even handle myself in mine.
Thus another lame blog. But at least I'm sticking to this : )
Thus another lame blog. But at least I'm sticking to this : )
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