It was easy as pie (that’s a saying right?), Day 70

The only meaningful way of life is activity in the world; not activity in general but the activity of giving and caring for fellow creatures.
-Erich Fromm

Yesterday while looking back at day 68 I was beginning to think that my day of friendliness was a fluke just as I had suspected. Wednesday I tried to say hi and speak with people but I didn’t feel the urging I had Tuesday. It was more of a task than it had been the day before. The fun of it wasn’t really there. Thursday I looked at the ground unconsciously almost every time I said hi to someone. As soon as my head dropped I’d realize what had just happened, popped it back up, and too late, the passerby would be gone.

Last night Jesse’s band “The Pellows” had a show. I’ve never been a fan of large social events, or small social events for that matter. I hate how people are SOOO reserved amongst each other. I cannot stand the little defense mechanism games we play in order to ‘try’ and relate while still holding up every wall necessary to keep everyone out. I’ll admit that I’m fascinated watching the various ways people interact, the many different methods for playing the game. Some people are so overly nice and friendly to anyone who enters their bubble. It’s an absolute necessity that everyone know “I’m an awesome, wonderful person.” However when the bubble is restored to safety the awesome wonderful person tears apart the individual he or she just encountered. “Can you believe her shoes?.. Did he really say THAT?.. Oh my gosh what a whore!” Some people act cool, spouting off interesting, shocking, or completely random comments in order to knock others off their feet. I believe the subconscious rationalizes that “If I say something really strange either they’ll leave me alone because they aren’t capable of handling my uniqueness or they’ll be really impressed and think I’m unique.” I think the most opted for mode of self preservation is to just try and avoid people. Say as little as possible and no one will notice you or think anything bad or good of you. Don’t look people in the eye, just glance at them out of the corner of your eye. Blend in. Be normal. Lay low. It’s all quite fascinating, but tiring as well. Why do we go to such lengths to “stay safe” and to stay away?

Side note: there is an element which once introduced into this game dissolves most of the walls, breaks through most of the defense mechanisms and helps people to relate. If a person consumes enough alcohol they acquire super powers that enable them to be free. They can talk, and laugh, they can dance, and touch, they can have fun and live it up despite who’s looking. But without it they’re crippled to society. It’d be a dream come true if I ever discovered a room full of people who could soberly interact the way alcohol influenced people do.

I walked into the crowd of strangers last night hoping to love. I wanted to reach out to people, relate to people, and I wanted to drop every wall, let go of all defense mechanisms and just be me. I tried not to notice every set of eyes in the room. I reassured myself that the eyes looking or not looking at me weren’t committing a crime and couldn’t hurt me. I looked at people, not out of the corner of my eyes but straight on. I said hi and smiled and didn’t look down. I possessed a super human strength to just be me.

The first band was quite good. I wanted to walk up to them, introduce myself, meet them and let them know that I enjoyed their show. This is something I’ve always wanted to do but I’ve never been able to. I think I was a very well trained elementary student and an acceptable motto for my life could be “I don’t talk to strangers.” But I did it. I kicked the walls down, left my prideful fear outside of the building and just manned up. The bassist was attempting to bring her amp down a flight of stairs and I walked up to her said hello and asked if she needed assistance. It was easy as pie. We continued to talk and I quickly came to the realization that I had just met an incredibly awesome individual from Indiana with a wonderful personality and a countless number of shared interests.

The meeting fueled a fire in me to find other new friends and I was like a lioness on the lookout for the perfect meeting. After a short while had passed I found my next victim. I had all the strength and determination necessary to accomplish the feat and as soon as the music died down I was going to meet her and she would be meeting me. What happened next however was shocking. I’m standing there waiting for the music to cease, ready, waiting, and before I knew it she was standing in front of me shouting her name and inquiring of mine. She talked to my sister and me for, maybe 15 minutes after the music stopped as if we were best friends or something. AND at a different point in time another person just randomly began talking to me. I can only guess that after I kicked those walls of mine down people noticed or something and then while I was open to talking and meeting and wasn’t worried about whatever it is we worry about while not interacting with people, people started to interact with me.

I’m going to proclaim that Tuesday, Day 68’s accomplishments weren’t a fluke. I’m really growing. I love it. It’s humbling admitting all of this to anyone who may be reading. But it’s taking a real effort to break through years and years of protecting myself from being seen. Wow, I really think I might be starting to like people.

You are proud that you inspire fear in others. And you are proud because you live in a rock fortress and hide high in the mountains. But don't fool yourselves! Though you live among the peaks with the eagles, I will bring you crashing down," says the LORD.
Jer 49:16 (NLT)

17. Pancake - Panqueque