Trying to be, Day 76

I think I've been doing a pretty awful job at this whole "being" thing lately. I think I've mostly just been existing. I've been tired, unmotivated, and uninterested. Should it be so difficult to BE? I read in "To have or to be" the other day that people “being” disconnected from a having existence would be much like a drug addict's detox and withdrawals. I think that having to force myself to focus on living, to focus on increasing, to focus on being is much like someone who forces themselves to not partake of the substance they're letting go of. It is work. I'm excited about the results and the process but right now I feel like I'm not doing so well. I guess this just means I'm going to have to try harder.


There's this tricky business of balance that I've yet to figure out how to tackle. I adamantly desire to live a being existence separate from a having one. I'd like this whole year to be subject to this process of learning how to be and learning how to let go of having (this must sound rather asinine to most people, having not read the book). But I don't want to HAVE a being existence. This cannot be a "thing" I'm working to attain. It is a way of living. It is a way of thinking and relating to the world. It's not a goal, like a marathon that has a finish line and a prize. It's more similar to the basic act of running. I’ve been treating it like a marathon lately. I know this. I see this. But I cannot quite figure out how to attain a balance between trying to live a being existence and trying to have a being existence. Ay!

Update: So far I am on track with getting rid of a thing for each day of this year. I’ve literally made 7 purchases, in terms of items/ things thus far in 2010. Yay! I’ve also made resolutions as to certain items I am definitely refraining from acquiring this year, like new shoes. I haven’t had a drop of coffee since January 31st (which includes decaf as well (although there was one REALLY close call at THE COFFEE SHOP in Muskegon (thank you Starr for steering me clear of the temptation!))) I haven’t been reading as much as I’d like to but I’ve almost finished 7 books these first three months of 2010. My Spanish vocab is suffering but I believe I will catch up. I’m learning to like people. I’m living in a different world than the one I inhabited only a few months ago.

22. To help - Ayudar
23. Squirrel - Ardilla