Listen to the wind, Day 189

...these things all take time

Listen to the wind blow over the branches

Listen to the waves crash on the shore

I don't have the big plan, just small glances

And every now and then I'm still unsure

Children 18:3 (it's a band)

I can't forget to listen to the wind. The hills resound with music and the trees clap their hands. The birds sing songs of praise. The world around me is filled with His glory. It's all ok.

Bad Day 188

I thought about my priorities. I made an outline. I've been regularly thinking about how I can go about each day according to those priorities. Already, after only a few days I feel like a failure.
There's a scripture in Romans where Paul goes back and forth about how what he wants to do he doesn't actually do and the things he doesn't want to do those things he does. I feel like that's the story of my life. I always set my mind to things but generally myself doesn't follow what my mind was set to.

I've been trying so very hard to be healthy and to have a positive attitude because I know how much those things mean to Jesse. Currently I CANNOT stop thinking about pizza and ice cream and I'm ridiculously depressed and unmotivated. I've been trying to not spend money (priority number two: get out of debt) and all these expensive things keep coming up... like three birthday parties in one week. I've been trying to take care of my home and I think I've pretty much succeeded in killing my front lawn... no joke.

There isn't enough time in a day. There's too much work to be done. I haven't enough energy. And all of my strongest desires don't align with my impulses. Right now at this very moment I feel like I'm losing my mind a little bit... but I haven't read the Bible in who knows how long. I tend to get like this when that happens.

I want pizza sooo badly right now… that little chubby girl inside of me is screaming at the top of her lungs for PIZZA… NOW!!!

For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.
Rom 7:15-19

Espanol, Day 187

I basically quite learning Spanish. I think that I was so far behind my goal that I knew there was no possible way to catch up. The automatic failor triggered a sort of hault in my mind and I stopped trying altogether. Today I decided to adjust my goal of 365 words, which turned into a goal of 730 words into a new goal of 200 words. I feel no shame what so ever in the new adjustment. It gives me something I can aim for again. So here goes, I'm learning Spanish!

I think tommorrow I will review the words I've learned so far. Wednesday I can begin adding to my vocab : )

A natural tendency towards having, Day 186

There were two adorable little kittens at a pot luck I attended yesterday. I held one for a bit, made the little guy purr, he snuggled me, and I was overcome by his cuteness. I wanted so badly to take him home with me. Which is funny because I do not want another cat. I don’t want to have to buy food for another cat. I don’t want to have to clean up after another cat. The cat I already have wouldn’t like another cat. Simply because of that tiny kittens overwhelmingly adorable cuteness I felt the need to bring it home with me, to HAVE it. There really wasn’t any other explanation for my wanting that kitten. But something so strongly deep within me was telling me that I needed to have that kitten. Logic and emotions, subconscious, whatever you want to call it so often tend to oppose each other. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

This year has been very interesting for me. I’ve been paying such constant conscious attention to my desires to have verses my desires to experience. I could easily visit that kitten and play with it, admire its adorable little face, ears, paws, ect; snuggle the little guy, and cause him to purr. I could easily and quite regularly experience all the aspects of the kitten which caused me to want to HAVE it but that’s not what my subconscious or my acquired nature told me to do. It’s honestly not natural for me to want to experience. Something inside of me tells me that I need to have, to be in control, to possess a thing in order for it have value (in my life).

If we were able to appreciate the world around us for what it is; if we were able to enjoy it and experience it; to increase and grow due to its very existence and not because we’re able to possess it there would be so much less pollution and destruction, debt and bondage, so much less need and emptiness. We’ve been blessed beyond comprehension by the wonderful creation that surrounds us, that we’re apart of each and every single day but our desires, our drive to have, to possess, to own, to conquer blinds us to the simple beauty that envelopes our lives.

Saturday morning, Day 185

This morning I spent a considerable amount of time completing tasks from my outline. Unfortunatley I haven't alot to check off though.

I planned to focus most on yard work and cleaning out my garage this morning. Well, it's been raining all morning so I only did a little yard work but I spent a good amount of time in my discusting garage and it's a little less discusting right now. Honestly I've only just begun that garage cleaning as much as I'd like to be finished. I couldn't take anymore today though. My garbage can is filled to the top so I don't have anywhere else to dispose of the trash. There are spiders galore in there and I really couldn't take it any longer especially since every fat black one I saw I was sure was a black widow. Yuk.

Now I'll resume regular Saturday morning indoor cleaning. I'm super happy that I took the initiative and began tackling some of those things around here that need to be taken care of. Priority number 3, taking care of my home, is being addressed!

Before:

After:

so far so good.

Outline, Day 184

I've gone against all of my better judgement and I've not only made a list pertaining to my priorities I've made an outline. It's long, extensive, and extremely encouraging as I can look at it and see very specific guidelines for walking the path necessary to live according to those things which are most important to me.

Tomorrow I plan on tackling a lot of things around this house that never seem to get paid any attention. I am really excited!

Day 183

But you never get strong if you win it without of fight.
-Children 18:3

Day 182

After brainstorming I’ve decided that my top three priorities at this point in time are as follows:

1. Being a part of a really good marriage.

2. Getting out of debt.

3. Taking care of my home.

I’ve only just begun thinking upon all the ways in which I can make my life reflect these priorities. It takes a lot of work to reach a goal. Also it takes daily minute by minute determination and effort to accomplish worthwhile things. Hard work has never been my strong point. I am after all a day dreamer by nature : )

Priorities, Day 181

I’m uncertain what got me thinking about it but I was thinking about priorities while driving home from work. For example if someone’s deepest desires include a luxury vehicle, a fabulously large home, expensive clothing, lots of really nice things, and costly food well then that someone would need to land a pretty high paying job, work his or her way up in the company and spend a lot of time working. The nice things and having lots of money go hand in hand with working hard and making lots of money.

Another possible set of priorities could include spending large amounts of time with one’s family, simply being with your loved ones, taking a regular part in their lives, never having to say, “I can’t make it.” This set of priorities would entail financial sacrifices. You’re most likely not going to be able to live in a mansion or drive a Porsche if you want to be home with your family all the time.

After I thought awhile along this train I began to examine my current situation. I drive almost 260 hours a year, that’s almost 11 entire days of driving just going to and coming home from work. I don’t get paid for any of this driving, in fact it cost me a lot of money. I have a pretty good job and I’m not assuming there’s some other grand position just waiting out there for me BUT if I want to spend more time with my husband and with all the people I love I might want to reconsider my line of work. Additionally, I am very concerned with doing my part to help out the environment and my (double it with time in between my stores) 500 hours of driving each year is not helping.

IF I had a job much closer to home I could save money on gas, save money on car repairs, save money on financing a car, and do a little bit to save the environment. I could also ride a bike or walk to work and improve my health. IF I had a job much closer to home I could spend 260 hours more each year with people I care about. I’m not sure why it took me this long to look at my current situation this way. Oops.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I honestly don’t know what got me started along this train of thought but I’m pretty sure I’m going to be spending the next few days at least, examining the life… I’ve sort of just happened upon, and I MIGHT need to seriously think about changing some things. If you know what your priorities are but you’re doing nothing to meet them then what are you doing? Yep.

I went to the Library (finally), Day 180

I picked up three books and I’m so excited to be reading again. Actually I started reading through “To have or to be,” again. I'm about a third done with my third read.

Additionally I checked out a book about Irish history that, honestly I’ve already read. But I really enjoyed reading it the first time and I don’t remember facts very well so I think it will be beneficial to read it again. I know I’ll enjoy a second read of it. I also picked up a book about democracy. That should be interesting… I know I have an odd taste in books.

The third book I checked out was about Plato’s “Republic.” It looked pretty interesting. I read about a third way through it and then I made the sad but necessary decision to stop reading that one. Honestly I don’t understand most of the subject matter. The vocabulary is way to advanced for me. The little bits of thought provoking content I was able to pick up on really weren’t enough for me to waste my time on reading something so far above my current educational level. I hate to admit it and I hate even more to have read a third way through a book only to have quit, but it had to be so.


Just an update : )

Time to read, Day 174

Frappuccino, Day 179

Last Friday I fought a several hours long battle with myself over a mocha frappuccino. It wasn’t even one of the super delicious blended ones, just a simple coffee, milk, and chocolate drink in a glass jar. I’d absolutely resolved to buy it and drink it. It was one of those, “just this one time” moments. I kept passing the heavenly brown beverage in the open air cooler in front of the check lanes over and over again while I was working. I kept telling myself, “I AM buying that and drinking it on my next break!” I could clearly imagine how wonderful it would be. It was official. I was going to. However there was this entirely separate part of me that kept screaming back at the “I am going to” part. This separate part just kept saying, “no you are not!”

My morning turned into a very intense weird few hours of childish fighting with myself. There was this constant back and forth battle, really very much like the skits with the two tiny mirror images of the main character, one dressed as the devil on one shoulder and the other dressed as an angel on the other. The little devil me kept screaming, “I AM GOING TO!!!” and was actually completely convinced that’s she’d won. The little angel me surprisingly didn’t retreat like usual at the devilish victory taking place on the opposing shoulder but instead just hung in there telling myself, “it’s not a good idea; just this one time will turn into many many many more times; you’re doing this no coffee thing for a reason; ect; ect;”

Very much to my surprise the little angel me won in the end. I listened to the voice of reason long enough and actually paid it enough attention that after all my resolve to enjoy that mocha frappuccino it just wasn’t worth it in the end. This is a story of victory.

I wish I could attach the smell of coffee to this blog. That’d be even better than a picture.

By steadfast patient endurance you will gain your life. Luke 21:19

Day 178

I think its beyond interesting that people eagerly choose to leave behind the comforts of home and (most) modern conveniences to sleep (practically) outdoors in the middle of nowhere with basically nothing to do.

Nature is magnificent. I wonder why we so often choose to regularly avoid it even though we do actually like it. Just a thought.

I’m uncertain what to call this, Day 177

The Bible says that when a man and a woman get married then two flesh become one. I can attest to this. Whenever I’m not with Jesse I don’t feel quite right. While I’m at work I constantly want to call him just to hear his voice; simply for that connection and not because I have anything to say. Anytime I’m alone with friends I genuinely enjoy myself but despite who I’m with there’s always that bit of loneliness because my other half is absent. I am completely smitten with him. Just being with him feels right.

I am overwhelmingly happy to have found a second half to complete me but this does pose a problem. There’s only so much time in a day, in a week, in one’s lifetime but I am surrounded by loved ones. I do not get to see any of them nearly as much as I’d like. I have friends I haven’t seen in months, really wonderful awesome friends. I have family I hardly see. I’d love to spend more time with my nieces and nephews. I hardly ever attend church functions. If Jesse is home then I, more than anything else, want to be home with him. I don’t like making plans with anyone else if he’s going to be around during that block of time.

So do I just ignore my feelings of separation anxiety and leave him to his own more often? Or do I continue to neglect everyone else? I don’t like either option but this is on my mind today and I’m uncertain of the answer. Sigh.

Conversation, Day 176

Talk is fluid, tentative, continually in further search and progress; while written words remain fixed, become idols even to the writer, found wooden dogmatisms, and perverse flies of obvious error in the amber of the truth. –Robert Louis Stevenson

I’m wondering today why we as people in general do not spend more time discussing intellectual things. I feel that most of our conversing tends to be stories about people we know or events we’ve lived through. We talk about our jobs and the weather. We discuss food, music, television and movies. The occasional news story gets thrown in, sometimes political (rarely). But how often do we have discussions, intellectual thought provoking discussions? I never do, practically.

I began reading today and the very first thing that stood out to me was the idea that reading is second to conversation; that learning and growing really take place during discussion. But this idea in itself is depressing to me because I haven’t anyone to discuss with, or I feel as though I don’t. Generally we don’t spend a lot of time thinking beyond the norms which present themselves daily. Please correct me if I’m being overly critical.

When I’m with a group of people who I attend church with, let’s say at a coffee shop or sitting around someone’s living room I am always let down by the topic of conversation. Even Christians do not tend to casually discuss scripture, Jesus, or the goodness of God unless they’re in a structural setting such as a Bible study. Honestly this bothers me immensely. When I’m with Christians I want to talk about scripture. I do. I love the Bible. I love reading it. I love studying it. I love thinking about it. I love talking about it. But for some reason, generally we don’t. We just don’t.

Equally so when we converse with anyone shouldn’t we spend more time talking about life? Not about the lives other people are living but about life processes; feelings, ideas, concepts, life! But we don’t. We just don’t.

I even feel a bit awkward with many of my posts because I wonder to myself who would want to read this rambling of ideas. I haven’t anyone to discuss these things with and yet I expect someone to be interested in reading my thoughts. It’s weird, or possibly very normal. But it saddens me. I would love for someone to instead ask not, “how are you today,” in that quick uncaring uninterested tone, but rather, “what’s on your mind today,” with interest, desire, concern, and a hunger to converse.

This flaw in our conversational styles leaves me excited about books even if they happen to contain fixed written words, ‘the foodstuff of unintelligent fundamentalisms.’

For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things. But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. Matt 12:34-37

Idle word: argos rhema - in the Greek means 'any spoken thing which is free from labor, at leisure, or lazy.'
Day 27, a past blog about searching for truth

Day 175

its one of those day. I read a bit yesterday and today. I am happy about that. I'm going to hopefully go to the library tomorrow. I've also been making a point to listen to more music lately. I genuinely love music. It creates an atmosphere. I like that. BUT I don't listen to it all that often. I've been enjoying music as of late.

Time to read, Day 174

… Being implies change, i.e.… being is becoming. Living structures can be only if they become; they can exist only if they change. Change and growth are inherent qualities of the life process. Erich Fromm

Ever since just before leaving for Guatemala I’ve hardly read anything. In fact I’m beginning to feel literature starved. I believe that reading can influence so much growth within the reader. Knowledge can be gained. A person’s own character can be sharpened. Moral revelations can be found. Ones world view increases and the very workings of mankind are further revealed. During the past month or so while I’ve been “too busy” to pick up a book and too distracted to think about literature I feel I’ve done myself a grave injustice. A tremendously huge outlet for being, for growth, for increase has been stifled.

At present I am desiring to find a good book on Irish history (those are always my favorite). I would like to read something about basic American politics and its history. I need to go through “To have or to be” again and I’d like to look into some of Erich Fromm’s other books. Additionally I must spend more time studying the Bible.

When everyday is virtually the same; when life is so jammed packed that there’s no time left for productive activity; when obligations and responsibilities bully processes of growth,  one can always read and change and grow and become despite all those other limitations.

The library awaits.

My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Hosea 4:6

Something lost (but not really), Day 173

For over three years I’ve worn a small piece of Guatemala on my wrist. Every day for nearly 1200 days the red and blue thread tied just above my hand has reminded me of a faraway place I call home, of people I’ve seen only a few times in my life yet whom I love so dearly, and of a wonderful ministry that’s doing what Jesus instructed, caring for orphans and widows and changing the world.

My red and blue bit of Guatemala fell off today. Taking hold of the broken thread I wondered, what will regularly spark memories of my distant home? How will I take Guatemala with me everywhere I go? Will I remember to pray throughout the day for all those I’ve grown so fond of? As I held it in my hand I felt as if a piece of me had broken off. It’s only a small simple bracelet but its absence leaves me feeling a little different.

So today reluctantly I say goodbye to a tiny extension of myself. Red and blue bracelet I shall no longer be greeted by your constant vision. BUT Guatemala still lives fervently within me. My love for it, the impact it’s had on my life on who I am, the memories I hold, the things I’ve seen and my compassion for its people will never leave. That is the distinct difference between having a truly wonderful thing and being… something incorruptible and everlasting.

God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart… Eccl 3:11

Spiders, Day 172

Lately I've been going to extremes with this whole respecting life, not wasting things, simplicity track I'm treading. I cannot kill bugs anymore and I feel badly when I do, really REALLY badly. I rescued a yellow jacket from my kitchen a few weeks ago. I also rescued a little black beatle from our living room. And I have just been letting the bugs in my basement live there happily. I killed a spider that was in our tent at cornerstone and I felt horrible about it. I also rescued a few bugs that had made there way into the tent. I genuinely feel awful if I'm the cause for anythings demise. This is getting bad.

WILDflowers, Day 171

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. –Marcel Proust

I genuinely enjoy yard work. It’s a good work out. I like being outside. I have a strange predilection for getting dirty. I love flowers and listening to birds singing and bugs chirping. The smell of grass is one of my all time favorite aromas. Unfortunately I’ve had VERY little time available for getting outside and keeping up on my yard. Not to mention it’s been too hot to stay outside for any worthwhile period of time.

Our yard is starting to look pretty atrocious. The lawn is obtaining ugly brown spots and the lawn weeds are beginning to take over (we didn’t use Scott’s this year for money saving reasons… bad idea). My flower beds look pretty awful. The lilac bush is in desperate need of trimming as the lilacs have bloomed, died, and are now just sitting there all browned and purposeless. I need to cut the heads of the dead roses. The living flowers need some food. Oh, and the stupid weedy bushes that pop up like the moles in that wacka mole game… dig one out another appears elsewhere, well their getting big again and need to go NOW.

Seemingly unrelated but there’s a connection: As I was driving around today I was taking note of all the wild flowers alongside the roadways and filling fields. They’re tremendously large and abundant at present. I hadn’t really noticed them before today but they’re all over the place and they’re incredibly beautiful. I’m certain I saw several that were taller than me. They were definitely taller than the corn stalks in the neighboring fields. There were lacy white ones with large round heads. Tiny lilac colored ones in that classic flower shape… you know the one with the circle of petals that we all draw whenever we draw a flower. There were small yellow ones and pinky purple ones. They were absolutely filling fields. They were growing up over mailboxes, in rows in front of cattails, pretty much anywhere someone hadn’t mowed. I just kept looking at them and noticing them and enjoying them.

Funny thing though, if any of those “flowers” had been in my yard they’d be considered weeds. In the wild they’re so beautiful but in our controlled spaces, the ones we OWN, the ones we HAVE, they’re just something that gets in the way and needs to be taken care of. I guess I just have to laugh at the efforts we make to control our yards. I know it would look awful if I didn’t maintain it. If I had wild flowers growing taller than me in my front yard the city would probably fine us. The funny thing is just that nature unfettered and left to its own devices usually ends up being breathtaking.

And now I need to find time to clean up my mess outside.

Better is one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.    Ecc 4:6

(I copied this photo off the internet)

Bird Bath, Day 170

The other day my neighbor’s sprinkler was showering his lawn. It had created a pretty good sized puddle at the end of his driveway where the pavement was cracked in such a way that there was an indent. As I was leaving my driveway I noticed a little bird enjoying the shower and the puddle. The smile evoked at the site of it was tremendous. I hoped my car wouldn’t scare the little guy away. I couldn’t stand the idea of ruining so much enjoyment. He wasn’t even fazed by my presence. As I began to drive off I actually stopped for a moment to watch the tiny bird bathe. He was dipping his head in the small puddle, flapping his wings in the water and then brushing them over his wet head. Then he’d shake his little tail feathers and make ripples. He’d look up into the sprinkler mist above and then stick his head back into the puddle. I watched him for at least a minute. I genuinely believe that little bird was having fun, relieving itself from the heat, cleaning up a bit, and having fun just like we used to as kids running through sprinklers on hot summer days. The little guy really looked happy.


The site of it brought me much joy and I’m still thinking about it.

(sort of a part 2) Cornerstony things I vastly enjoy, Day 169

1. Arriving in Bushnell and knowing that you’re so close to being there

2. The crowd surfing plastic Santa Claus

3. The clay stench after it rains

4. Turkey sandwich & cheeze it lunches

5. Our shade tent that makes everyone look sunburnt

6. People randomly dressed in mascot costumes for no apparent reason despite the heat

7. Flatfoot 56 @ midnite

8. Amazing Grace a capella with a tent packed full of filthy sweaty punkers @ 2am(ish)

9. Illinois farmland starry night sky

10. Bible study w/ Robert (from Headnoise)

11. Finding a freshly cleaned port o potty

12. Accidentally discovering long lost favorite musicians in new bands

13. 6 year olds rockin out @ punk shows

14. All the sounds of nature (birds, bugs, wind, rain) mingled with almost every genre of music imaginable

15. Happening upon an AWESOME band you’ve never heard of before

16. Looking for license plates from all 50 states and Canada (and finding all but 5)

17. All the babies with noise reduction head phones on (they’re really cute)

18. Not showering all week : ) yep

19. Walking into my nice clean home and not really belonging at all since my entire body is covered in Cornerstone

20. Discovering really great bands just because of a neat looking sign on a port o potty

21. Nite time worship sets… AWESOME

22. The dust coating that every car at Cornerstone wears by the end of the week

23. And the finger tip writing on all the vehicle windows

24. Mud people when it rains

25. Screaming along to really good lyrics

26. Campsites w/ names

27. The circus tent ceilings at every show

28. Getting showered w/ fresh rose petals while Fields of Joy is being sung

29. Illinois fireflies

30. Watching entire families enjoy music together

31. An entire tent filled with people all singing in unison

32. Spending the week with my sister

Cornerstone Festival 2010, Day 168

This was my 10th year attending Cornerstone festival in Illinois. This fact alone makes me feel very old. I recently spent a little time pondering why I’ve driven 6 hours to spend almost week in a hot dusty (at times muddy) field with blaring loud music playing nonstop from noon to 2am for 10 years. It isn’t because I love nonstop sweating for days in a row. It isn’t because I so enjoy eating every meal out of a cooler (while watching my food supply slowly transform into a messy seemingly inedible sight). It isn’t because I love sleeping in a tent and waking up at 6 AM like a half cooked turkey with a slimy film all over my skin. Yes folks cornerstone festival is that glorious.

There’s a lot of great music at the festival. There are tremendously entertaining shows and sometimes one may find herself discovering a band she’ll love forever. I have fallen in love with Cornerstone farm and returning each year is a bit like coming home. However I think the thing that’s driven me to return for 10 years is the unifying feeling I’ve found nowhere but there. There are people of every age from infancy to elderly. There are people of every race and every color. There are popular trendy, punks, rockers, nomads, goths, nerds, dorks, yeah you name it. And obviously everyone is at a different place in their walk with the Lord but they’ve almost all come to cornerstone because they love the Lord and because they love music and they want to spend their 4th of July holiday celebrating there. The sweat and the dust, the mud and the discomfort, the camping inconveniences, oh and the port o potties are all an additional unifying factor no matter how annoying or uncomfortable. I would have Cornerstone no other way. I’m proud to be a part of the Cornerstone family. I glad to have had the opportunity for 10 years to share in the experience with SOOOOO many others. I do love music and usually the louder the better but I keep going back because in a strange sort of comparison I have tens of thousands of family members while I’m there… a bit like heaven will be.

Just thinking, Day 167

A man should look for what is and not for what he thinks should be.                                          -Albert Einstein

Maybe we should spend less time looking around. Maybe we should start seeing what’s in front of us. What if people stopped comparing theirs to yours and everyone else’s and started appreciating what they have?

I am very much an American. I believe in the right to life and the freedom of choice. I believe that all mankind should have access to medical care and that no one should go hungry. I believe that clean water shouldn’t be a privilege. I also believe that people who don’t have access to food, and clean water, and medical care should be noticed, recognized and taken care of by all of us who are living in abundance. And that is not only my belief but it’s an American principle (that we conveniently tend to overlook and forget).

All that said people have the right to choose how they are going to live. Someone isn’t necessarily “poor” because they are living in a tiny house without a television, automobile, an abundance of food and even electricity or running water. If this is their choice then what really makes them any different than you and I? Someone isn’t more beautiful just because they wear nicer clothing, better or more makeup, and can afford and choose to get a more expensive hair cut. A man is no better or admirable because he chooses to further educate himself. A man isn’t any less of a man because he doesn’t finish high school. We all make choices. We all live our own lives.

Unfortunately we all look at each other and then compare. We tend to think that our one little piece of candy isn’t so great after we notice the kitchen filled with candy that our neighbor has. Or we become quite proud of our measly little 1 piece once we realize that there are a lot of people out there who haven’t any.

I say, that as long as you’re making your own choices and doing what’s best for you then who’s to say you’re less or more, better or worse off than so and so? We need to stop belittling and idolizing and we need to just start living. Once we realize that everyone is human, that everyone has similar feelings underneath that skin of theirs, that everyone lives and dies and that no one can change any of this then life will become much more of what I think it was meant to be.

As the Scripture says, “Anyone who trusts in [Jesus] will never be put to shame.” For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile-the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." Rom 10:11-13

Piñata, Day 166

Have you ever noticed that once a piñata is broken open the littler kids tend to pick up one, two or three pieces of candy and the older kids get handfuls, armfuls, pocketfuls of stash? I was observing this very situation up close and personal yesterday. My 4 year old nephew was extremely excited about all the candy that he knew was inside that piñata. He was even more excited about getting his second chance at hitting the thing. But his eyes were glued on that opening. He was waiting for those older kids to knock it open and then he was going to get some candy. It was all planned out. I could see it in his eyes.

The piñata busted, all the kids ran, my nephew grabbed one piece of candy, began trying to open it so he could instantly enjoy the thing and before I knew it the ground was almost clear. I looked around to see the other smaller children executing the same course of action. The little ones never get as much candy at a piñata event but I don’t believe it has much to do with their size or speed. Those little guys are fast. Their minds are focused on now. They are excited about that one piece of candy and there isn’t a trigger inside of their little brains that tells them to hold off on the enjoyment so they can snatch up more enjoyment for later.

Its only once they notice that all the older kids are holding large amounts of the sweet stuff that they start to get frustrated about their tasty little treat. Once they compare the joy they’ve received from their conquest with the hoard the older ones are holding then they get upset and frustrated. I believe that if a piñata busted and every kid got one piece of candy the little ones would be perfectly content. They would have their conquest. They would have their treat. They would have their enjoyment. It is the older ones who are focused on winning, on getting the most, on having as much as possible to last them forever, or at least a few hours. It is the older ones who would be disappointed with the game if the winning meant only momentary satisfaction.

I like the way those littler guys think. It’s too bad they have to witness the hoarding. It’s too bad they can’t just enjoy that which they set out to do and of which they accomplished.

Day 165

Our internet has been down. I am getting an oil change right now and there are computers here. This is the lamest blog ever. Day 165 done.

On the side of having, Day 164

This past winter Jesse and I drank A LOT of hot cocoa. I noticed a mug sitting on the counter today (it was 94 degrees outside today) and I thought of hot cocoa. The idea of it was repulsive but I said to myself, in contempt of the heat, “my it will be nice to crave hot chocolate again.” Why I would ever wish winter or cold upon my life is beyond me but the heat got the best of me today I guess. Shortly following my hot cocoa moment I thought about the coming fall, about apple cider and pumpkin pie. In that moment I eagerly looked towards the future once again completely forgetting how much I had wished it to be 100 degrees outside during this long long icy cold winter past.

I strongly believe that we should make the most of every moment. We should enjoy the heat while it’s hear, conjure up memories of the bitter cold and embrace the hot air upon our unclothed skin. Equally so we should embrace the beauty in winter and take advantage of those hot cocoa and fire place moments. I will never argue against making the most of every moment.

I did stop myself from getting upset today however when I began to look towards the future. I have to argue a bit upon the having side today. We, Michiganders, have large comfy winter coats, hot cocoa and fires. We have very specific wintery things that would make this blog way more enjoyable if I could think of any. We also have apple cider and pumpkin pie in the fall and many other fall time traditions. A LOT of these things are the means of clever marketing, I can’t disregard that. But they’ve become tradition much like the colorful outfits of civilizations past. Like their interesting delicacies and seasonal traditions. I can’t argue against that, at least not today, no matter how “having” it is.

It’s nice to enjoy those special things throughout each year, to have enjoyed those things with your parents and to be able pass the enjoyment on to future generations. All of that is something worth having. I just leave it at that.

A Colorful Sound, Day 163

“The Ember Days” an amazing band that I love played a worship set at Cornerstone. Before they played they began to explain that worship is not a spectator sport and that every person there should please please please sing along. The individual speaking then went on to explain that like artists we can paint a beautiful picture for Jesus with our voices. He said that each of us has a unique color and when we don’t join sing along the painting is missing that one special hue.

I loved this speech not only because of the awesome imagery but because I’m always hesitant to sing aloud at concerts (not the really loud ones though). Everyone’s there to hear the band not me after all.

I sang and I sang and I worshiped and added my color to the picture (figuratively speaking). Just before the last song I noticed someone standing in front of me, almost facing me. I looked up briefly to see him timidly smile. They boy quickly but hesitantly said to me, “You have a very beautiful singing voice.” I quietly responded with a bashful, “oh… thank you.” Then he returned to worshiping the Lord and so did I.

The boy complimented me, yes, but I don’t say all this in order to proclaim that “I AM A GOOD SINGER.” I was touched that a total stranger would go out on a limb like that to say something nice to me. It was truly a warm fuzzy. I loved seeing the sincerity in his eyes. I was blessed by the kindness in the simple gesture. He clearly felt awkward but he stepped out and added a little color to my life despite timidity or awkwardness.

I was thinking about this today. Wouldn’t it be so easy to brighten someone’s day, that of a total stranger even, if we just took a bit more notice of those around us and stepped out on that limb a tiny more often? I think the blessing in a compliment truly comes from the condition of the givers heart. I wouldn’t suggest anyone try and be nice to people. I think if you have to try and compliment someone then something is missing. The question then is, do you have any color to sprinkle into someone’s life today?

It makes for a lovely day when someone chooses to kindly notice you.

I think my eyelids are sweating, Day 162

92 degrees out of doors. 12 hours of work today. Lots of water and a pleasantly cool shower followed by good company and good music. ahhh.

Cafe update, Day 161

I did drink coffee in Guatemala. I knew I would. It is truly the best and the freshness of it when you're there right where it comes from is unbeatable.

I haven't drank coffee since I've been home, despite the extreme temptation. Since I caved to the Guatemala temptation it's been very difficult to resist. I just want ONE frappacino or I just want one cup of coffee at a breakfast place. Or I just want one iced mocha while at Cornerstone (where I utterly enjoyed drinking coffee every morning last year and a frapp every day). BUT so far so good. I am honestly proud of myself on this one. There were a few moments since returning home from Guate that I thought I was done for the rest of the year with this challenge. I think I've made it to the clearing and I should be able to stick out the rest of the year. YAY!

I think that after the coffee fast is over I will drink coffee again. I think I will only drink fair trade coffee and I am going to have to force myself to only have a few cups a week. Decaf will probably be a good plan as well.

And thats my coffee update, Day 161.

Considering my purchases, Day 160

I just updated my 2010 purchases blog list. I haven't updated for awhile becuase it was broken and I needed to just redo it and I didn't feel like taking the time. But now it's updated and I'm amazed at how little I've bought and yet how many things on the list I don't even utilize.

14 of the 30 items were for myself.
On Februry 27 I bought some stretchy pants that weren't anything how I hoped they'd be and in 5 months I've worn them twice.
On March 9th I bought weatherstripping that was on clearance for about $1 to cover my front window. The window has lead all over it and my cat sits right next to it. We've yet to install it because we're lazy and don't have a hair dryer.
I haven't ever worn the shorts I bought in April because matter of factly my legs are too white and it's a bit embarassing. (I haven't actually worn real shorts since probably elementary school)
The headbands and hair clips I bought in April aren't anything like I hoped they'd be. I am ALWAYS disappointed with hair stuff. So I've only used one of the head bands a few times.

13 of the 30 items were gifts for someone.
I am glad to have bought each of the gifts on this list but this just shows me that I need to be more creative with my gifting. Ideally I had planned to make gifts or at least come up with really creative non-THING type presents for people throughout this year. I believe that more often then not I could have made or creatively gifted something but I waited until there wasn't enough time or I was just too lazy to accomplish this task. And there's another lesson learned.

My list is quite disappointing. I guess I need even less than I think I do. I'm also finding out that treating myself to someTHING usually backfires. AND I can truthfully say that I cannot think of one thing I've refrained from buying that I wish I had gotten. Looks like I'm going to have to try harder to avoid buying those SALE items that would be so nice to HAVE and I'm going to have to constantly remind myself that if I don't NEED it then chances are I'm not going to use it. I am definatley learning from this little experiment.

ALSO, I haven't even once missed anything I've purged from my home thus far. I am extremely behind in that area though.

Beware that you do not forget the LORD your God by not keeping His commandments, His judgments, and His statutes which I command you today, lest--when you have eaten and are full, and have built beautiful houses and dwell in them; and when your herds and your flocks multiply, and your silver and your gold are multiplied, and all that you have is multiplied; when your heart is lifted up, and you forget the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage; Deuteronomy 8:11-14

The hairs on your head are all numbered, Day 159

I want to be loved simply because I am.

-Bradley Hathaway

Have you ever seen a small girl with those childhood smudges upon her cheeks; tiny ringlets at the ends of her straight blonde hair; oddly mismatched clothing spattered with holes, wear, stains; sticky palms covered in brown dirt and the hugest loveliest smile upon her little glowing face? She runs to her mother who’s taken zero note of the child’s hours and hours long absence and yet the little blonde darling can think of nothing other than sharing with her mom all the adventures she’s partook of while she’s been away. Her mind is racing with thoughts of the thousands of dandelions she picked, the pink butterfly she watched, the strange quirky dorky boy she met, the lines she swirled around in the dirt creating masterpieces of black brown artwork, the animals she saw in the clouds; we’re talking worlds and lifetimes of adventure here.

At her homecoming the child meets her mother with joy and exuberance. She may get a tired, “where’ve you been, huh?” greeting. The young girl begins to gush her stories of adventure. Her mother turns her head and hushes her and tells her to go and pick up the 20 puzzles she dumped out earlier in the back bedroom. The child quickly responds with a “yes mommy I will, I will… but,” then she continues to inform her mom of the many wonders of life. Her mom still hears not a word, but yells this time, “quite, CLEAN up your mess now! Didn’t you hear me?!” With but another attempt the young little blonde beauty tries to share her delight with her mom, her best friend… but to no avail. A tad bit heartbroken she trudges to the back room and fusses with the mess.

I’ve seen SOOO many children ignored, so many beautiful intelligent amazing little minds overlooked. I’ve seen so many hearts trampled upon and neglected by the people they adore more than anything. And yet I’ve never seen a small child not love his or her parents. Little children, no matter how they are treated glow with desire and with love for their parents. It’s one of the saddest and most beautiful things I’ve ever witnessed.

I was thinking about this a bit last week. This love, this unfettered absolute unconditional sad but beautiful love is how God loves us. It doesn’t matter what we do or how we treat Him. He desires us, to be with us, to listen to us, to speak and to sing over us. God is like a little child who loves despite every abuse. God desires that we love him like little children, passionately fervently desiring to share our hearts with our Father.

My heart breaks for every little child who loves despite the absolute neglect they’re given in return. But that is love and to take that away from them would be more tragic than anything. Additionally, God will never stop loving you.

The very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to Him than a whole flock of sparrows. Luke 12:7

Happy to be Home, Day 158

I have not blogged much in the past three weeks, being away from technology and all. I am going to TRY and double blog everyday to catch up a bit.

Today I'm just happy to be home. It's nice and calm and relaxing here, normal, maybe a tad bit boring, but it's wonderful to be home with my husband and our little furry ones. I am living a very good life.