Fathers Love, Day 19

Only to the extent that we decrease the mode of having-i.e., stop finding security and identity by clinging to what we have- can the mode of being emerge. “To be” requires giving up ones egocentricity and selfishness…
-Erich Fromm

I love my dad. I’m thankful that he is my dad. I cannot imagine anyone else in his place. He never wronged me in anyway. But I don’t have any memories of hugging him, or sitting on his lap, or even just spending time with him. I cannot remember him ever reading me a story, or playing a game with me, or even just sitting and talking with me. I have one memory of him taking me out to eat at a nice restaurant downtown after him and my mom got divorced. But that’s my only memory of spending time with him, just that one. My dad is my dad but I cannot say that I have any sort of a relationship with him. On top of that, ever since I was 10 I’ve sort of always taken care of myself.

I say all of this because I’m trying REALLY hard to rely on God. I’m trying to spend time with Him, to listen to Him, and to relate to Him as my Father. But, I’ve pretty much always taken care of myself and I honestly do not know how to relate to a father. You spend almost 30 years being who you are, reinforcing your beliefs and then you realize you were missing something and essentially you’re looking at things all wrong… then what?

Faith is believing. But if the only thing you’ve ever believed is that you have to take care of everything… wow, faith can be a difficult thing to operate in then. (I’m not talking head believing here. I’m talking heart belief. There’s a big difference.) I’m realizing that I need to let go of my safety zone, I need to “decrease the mode of having” by no longer “having” my tainted views towards the world. I need to let go of MY idea, essentially one that my heart has believed for 18 years: “I am fatherless.”

1 John 3:1 See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God.