I dont even know what day it is

The cautious, the having persons enjoy security, yet by necessity they are very insecure. They depend on what they have: money, prestige, their ego... but what becomes of them if they lose what the have?
Erich Fromm

The past three or so days I've felt this impending doom hanging over me. It seems to be attached to everything. I took photos for a family and every feeling attached to the entire event was that of failure. I've been very unseltteled about my job. Meijer is sort of "restructuring" and no one ever knows quite whats instore when that happens. I haven't been sleeping well (I dont usually) and I've been tired, with no motivation or desire to do anything. My fridge is empty but I don't want to spend MORE money (that we don't really have in the first place) to fill it and I'm sick of all the food I make so I can't think of anything to fill it with but it's depressing to open it and see all it's bright naked inards. I haven't written a blog in 2 days because I just feel like I haven't any words. There are ideas and thoughts swimming around in here but I don't have any words. I am truly at a loss.

I read the above quote by Erich Fromm 2 days ago. I love it, but it envokes a tremendous amount of anxiety in me. My home, my job, my vehicle, my family... there's so much security in what I have but EVERYTHING is temporary. Every moment needs to matter. Everything I do should be done with purpose, with meaning, with joy, with life. I'm not saying I want to conqure the world but I do want to live, to fully live during each moment. These past few days I haven't been living at all. I've been in this sad place of trying to hold onto the few scraps that I have, that place where I don't want any new doors to open for fear of the unknown. Like it'd be better to curl up into a ball and sit in a warm corner, basically not existing, then to face life not knowing.

I guess, technically, that'd be called a spout of depression. I've learned to just walk through the spouts, they don't last. But right now, my goodness I feel weak and tired. I'm ready for spring in Michigan. Ideally, not looking forward, living RIGHT NOW is what I'm trying to do here. So I guess spring will be nice but I'm gonna try and make the most of whats left of winter.

Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.
James 1:2-3