I found Guatemala on the way home from the beach, Day 221

Jesse and I were riding our bikes back from the beach and a distinct aroma of burning found its way to my nostrils. Instantaneously thoughts, memories, emotions of Guatemala overtook me like a whirlwind. I am continuously astonished at the ability a simple fragrance has to capture one’s heart and send it into a frenzy of passionate remembrance. The photographs, the Chichicastenango marketplace articles, the faces of those who ventured through the hills alongside of me; nothing can stand up to the fragrances of Guatemala. Maybe it’s the spontaneity or the sudden shock of its onset that authenticates a smell. All I know is that I rode my bike through a little bit of Guatemala the other day and it was heavenly. Every fiber of my being felt comforted to be at home, to be back where life ultimately has meaning, where the smiles are so genuine and appreciative, where adventure and discovery are a continuous embarkment (that might not be a word), where life just feels fuller. And then the aroma was gone and I was me, living in Grand Haven, riding home from the beach. But it’s ok because I’ve been to Guatemala and even though I’m me living in Grand Haven so close to the beach, that smell would simply have been wood burning if Guatemala wasn’t living in me.

(three posts in a row... take that humidity!)

I HAVE my opinions, Day 220

“What does is mean that a man should have nothing?” (from “To have or to be?”)

I’ve been listening to the news a lot lately. There are two issues in the United States today that my mind’s been fixed upon. One concerns illegal immigration specifically from Mexico. The other issue is that of an Islamic center being built near the ground zero site. I “have” VERY strong opinions concerning both of these issues. My opinions are solidified. They are what they are and I can’t see any way around them. On the first issue I don’t believe that people who’ve entered the United States illegally should be allowed to stay here. In my opinion the law that defines legal and illegal status should be followed. Concerning the second, I believe that the Imam has every right to build his mosque wherever he so chooses but I feel that it is incredibly inconsiderate, rude, destructive, and untimely for him to even consider building it in the particular location he has chosen and he just shouldn’t do it.

These are my opinions. I “have” them. Lately however I’m trying to consider that other people have other opinions for reasons that I’m apparently unaware of. There’s always more to the picture that what I can see. But my opinion is based on what I can see only. I find myself wondering what made my ancestor’s entry into the USA legal. Should the people who’ve come here for a better life; with hopes and dreams of a brighter future for their children; people who’ve entered this country by all means necessary, without criminal intent be looked down upon and forced to leave? Is this not America, the Land of immigrants? I don’t appreciate that we have unsecured borders that very bad people can bypass. But why exactly is it illegal for the good people to find refuge here? I guess before I rant and rave that the laws should be enforced at all costs I should understand the laws. This is one clear reason why “having” an opinion can be a foolish thing to do because I don’t “have” all the information necessary in order to back up my opinion.

This mosque thing is more difficult for me to find an alternate viewpoint on. I do not want it built there. I think the Imam is a Meany head. In fact I think he’s a bad guy. He is currently touring the world promoting the Islamic center and his book on our Government’s ticket. That means that our tax dollars are paying for this guy to travel to Islamic countries, raise money for the multimillion dollar project in New York city (that a supposed %70 of the American public doesn’t want built) and we’ve paid for his book to be given away to the many Muslims he’s fundraising to. I don’t get it. I don’t like it. I cannot seem to find an alternate view. I understand that this is a country of religious freedom and that without that our country wouldn’t have even been founded. I understand that religious freedom is one of the founding principles of America. I’m trying to replay that over and over in my head but what happened to separation of church and state? Why are we (American tax payers) essentially funding this mosque? I’m not ok with that much religious freedom. I’m just not. I wouldn’t ask a Muslim to help me build a Christian church.

I am very much bound to my opinion over this mosque thing. In fact I’m angry about the issue. I wish I could vote on it somewhere. I wish I could hold a sign and tell people that it should be stopped. But when I picture myself voting against a religious right to build a place of worship I feel like there’s something wrong happening. When I envision myself holding a sign that says something about stopping this Meany head I feel like I'm a Meany head. But even though I know that somehow somewhere I am wrong I can’t see the other side of this one.

I guess we’re supposed to love everyone. There’s a lot about love that doesn’t come very naturally. I don’t love that Imam right now. I’m mad at him and I want him to stay in whatever Islamic country he’s visiting at present. He can build his mosque there… I think that’s the other side of it. The other side of this one is that something about the issue has caused me to stop loving a person (or people, or a people group possibly) and that is never right, no matter how RIGHT your opinion may seem. Aha.

I’m trying desperately to force myself to learn that I’m not always the only one who’s right. I'm not so sure it's ever a good thing for me to "have" an opinion. When this happens I've automatically declared the end of the matter concerning all further knowledge and enlightenmight. It's like I'm saying,"I am the enlighted one!" That appears to be a very foolish thing to do. My goodness the foolish thing to do is soooo very much more comfortable. (I hate compromise)

First of all, we should be free from our own things and our own actions (and our own ideas). This does not mean that we should neither possess anything nor do anything (nor think anything); it means we should not be bound, tied, chained to what we own and what we have… - Erich Fromm

It's officially too hot out, Day 219

I am going to blame my inability to blog regularly on the humidity. I've had ideas pop into my head... I know I have. But the minute they surface the steamy hot air fizzles them away. Then, I've got nothing.

Our day off, Day 218

Today was momentous. Jesse and I had a day off TOGETHER. We never have the same days off. We decided to go to a pizza place in Grand Rapids since eating is pretty much our favorite thing to do. The pizza place was closed. We ate at Pietro's instead (SOO good). Then we decided to go shopping. After all what's there to do in GR except shop?

We ventured through a few stores without making any purchases. Then we decided to go to the mall. The mall was a bit overwhelming and mildly depressing. There's so much excess packed into one large building. We didn't see one single thing we needed. There was alot of cool stuff there but it all just seemed like things to spend money on. Nothing seemed necessary or essential. We walked more and more quickly the longer we were there until we broke for a hasty retreat.

After we arrived back home we decided to go swimming at the beach. I was extreamly excited by this decision. I've been asking Jesse to go swimming all summer. At each request he's responded with an, "eeww, that water is so gross!" It was wonderful, cold, but wonderful. There something so refreshing about being emmerced in water, the waves gently rolling in, bobbing you up and down, back and forth. I took full advantage of feeling the warm sand between my toes and listening to the waves roll across the shore. The sun sparkled on the tips of each blade of dune grass. The blue sky was full of small fluffy white clouds. Boats spotted the shoreline. (there wasn't a beachy smell of sunscreen, tobacco, fish, and lake water... because there weren't very many people at the beach, there were no fish, and no one was smoking, but the fresh air was delightful)

In short we spent half of the day in the material world. Not incredibly rewarding. The other half was spent enjoying nature and each other. Quite pleasant.

(Now I'm hoping for icecream)

Purchase number 36, Day 217

I've been considering buying a digital camera for years. I love the art in film. I love the quality of film. I appreciate the Canon Rebel G I've had for 12 years. Only, I've been strugging for a few years now to afford shooting with film which has led to an incredibly decreased number of photos being taken by me. sad.

With the overtime and bonus I recieved after having led furniture build teams and having built furniture for over 50 hours a few weeks back I finally did it. I bought a nice digital. The day I bought the camera it had gone on clearance. It ended up being $150 less than I'd budgeted and $270 less than it's original price. I felt like I was cheating myself a little by not getting the newer more expensive camera but I have to say I love that I saved so much money. I honestly don't know what I'm missing out on by not having the newer version. And I've taken more pictures in the last week then I probably did in all of last year.

I now happily can add a Canon 450D EOS Rebel xsi as the 36th item I've purchased this year!

I'm finally learning how to shoot INDOORS without a flash!

I'm planning to pack in the photo shoots this summer.

I love taking photos of my babies.

Now I can take photos of the little things. Like ladybugs I find walking on pillowcase flowers after I bring my laundry in from the line.

Half a Priority, Day 216

I'm going to add artist endevours to my current top priorites list.

I'm really fond of the idea of making it a half though. I can tell myself it's something that needs addressing BUT not something that needs to constantly be on my mind. That way I won't feel like I'm failing when I neglect it for days at a time. Like the other three areas of focus on my list I can set goals and make time for my new half priority. This is good.

My top 3.5 priorities at this point in time are as follows:


1 Being a part of a really good marriage.
2 Getting out of debt.
3 Taking care of my home.

3.5 Creating artwork.

Four Priorities? Day 215

I have been contemplating for possibly weeks whether or not I should add a fourth priority to my list. It doesn’t seem like that big of a decision but I feel like it’s huge. I already spend A LOT of time and energy thinking about making the most of my marriage (priority number 1) and getting out of debt, not spending money, being wise about spending money, money, money, money (priority number 2). Priority number three (maintaining my home) has been slow going yet quite rewarding and additionally takes up a lot of my time, thoughts, and energy.

With just these three areas of focus I tend to feel overwhelmingly shameful when I neglect things. Also, I have been using my laid out priorities to gage importance, scheduling, time management. I am glad I laid these out because in doing so it’s solidified somewhere in my mind that I need to set precedence for these things. I’m actually getting somewhere.

Now I return to the question of a fourth priority. Creating things is a big part of who I am BUT I tend to neglect that part of me. I vastly enjoy drawing, sewing, little crafting projects that I dream up during day dream time (at work), writing, photography, the list goes on… ooh, music; I enjoy art. But again it’s always taken a back burner and I don’t create much if anything at all for months at a time.

Should I add a fourth priority? Or should I tackle my massive mess of a home before I bite off even more that I cannot chew? I don’t want to neglect the things I’m trying to focus on right now by adding something else. I also don’t want to neglect art forever. I don’t believe that it belongs on the back burner where I keep it. (I NEVER use the back burners on my stove) I need help. I over analyze EVERYTHING!

Home sweet home, Day 214

I spent time this morning while driving to work giving thanks. This morning I was thankful for my delicious breakfast (chocolate chip pancake with peanut butter and Irish breakfast tea). I was thankful for the green that is everywhere at present. I do love autumn but the green outdoors is spectacular. I gazed at the forests of emerald green and the vast feilds filled with low lying morning clouds. There were hawks coasting through the sky overhead. I noticed large purple patches of wild flowers amongst the fields. I was thankful this morning, very very thankful.

Amidst all the stress, anxiety, depression, and go go go lifestyles many of us live we're surrounded by beauty and magnificent creation. I wonder if God specifically created everything so magnificently in part so that our very surroundings might soothe us, bring about peace and calm, and reflect His glory into our busy lives. We just need to stop and notice.

Think about birds singing, snowflakes gently falling to the ground, morning dew sparkling on the grass, wind musicaly carressing the leaves. What about the trees, and flowers, and plants, streams, lakes, ponds, waterfalls. Picture if you will all the many many species of animals that inhabit the earth with us; elephants, monkeys, deer, insects, frogs, flamingos, zebras... Think about the world we live in and the endless beauty it encompasses. If in no other way, none whatsoever, God has blessed us simply by allowing us to live here on this beautiful planet (and we're not even allowed in the Garden of Eden).

Yet we seem to forget regularly that this amazing place is our home.

Day 213

I thoroughly cleaned out 3 of the drawers in this house and one of them is now empty. Only 40 left to go.

Good things come to those who wait, Day 212

Preface: This blog is not to encourage procrastination of which I’m a fond observer.

Jesse and I had wanted new couches for a long time. Ours were very worn, dirty, and broken in several places. They were comfortable but hideous. We stopped at furniture stores advertising sales on a few different occasions. But we quit charge cards at least a year ago and Dave Ramsey say’s no interest for ____ amount of days is a horrible scam and to run the other way. To make a long story short we waited, and waited, and kept waiting and suddenly some friends of ours asked if we wanted to buy their used but excellent condition leather couches from them for $100. We jumped at the offer, have two excellent leather couches and saved potentially thousands of dollars.

We purchased our home from Jesse’s Grandma. The carpet was original to the almost 60 year old house. It had faded at least 4 shades from its glory days. There were stains like you wouldn’t believe all throughout the pastel peachy shag (turned a tan brownish color). We talked about buying new carpet on numerous occasions but we waited and waited and kept waiting. Then one day Maggie devoured a purple pen (one with the free flowing liquid that you can see through the pens side window). Jesse called the insurance company and discovered that our carpet was covered under our homeowner’s policy. Jesse’s mother graciously paid the deductible and wahla we had brand new carpet at no cost to us.

Jesse had been begging and hinting and begging and hinting about us getting a new BIG TV for years. I had always said, “No. End of story. Our TV is fine.” Until one day a good friend of Jesse’s got a brand new ridiculously expensive new television set AND offered Jesse his old (HUGE) television set. Now we have an enormous television just like Jesse’s always dreamed of at no cost to us.

Lastly, our washer and dryer are quite old. The washer had been having troubles for a good amount of time before it finally quit. We talked on several occasions about buying a new one but we continually concluded that as long as it was running it would be wasteful to replace it. Only a few days after it died some good friends of ours offered us a second washer that they had at no cost to us.

First and foremost I wholeheartedly believe that God has generously blessed us for having patience and we have some incredible friends who’ve blessed us beyond belief. The moral of these 4 stories (which I’ve probably shared before) is that good things really do come to those who wait. With the exception of our brand new carpet all of the above mentioned items were previously used but they’re new to us. They’re each very nice and useful items (honestly all things we use daily). We couldn’t be happier about the money we’ve saved by acquiring them. The list of pluses just goes on and on.

These all wait for You, That You may give them their food in due season. Ps. 104:27

Jonah, Day 211

God told Jonah to arise and go. Jonah arose and fled. I guess he thought it’d be a better idea to do what he wanted to do as opposed to complying with God’s plan. After all his life was HIS life, right. So then Jonah ended up on a boat and a really bad storm arose while Jonah was sleeping, totally oblivious to the fear and anxiety his decisions had brought about in the lives of others.

Obviously the book is entitled “Jonah.” Everything is about Jonah. And clearly upon perusing the story the reader will find that all Jonah ever thought about was Jonah. I wonder how the story would look if the book had been entitled “Everyone Else.” I read up to Jonah getting thrown into the water yesterday. I couldn’t help but wonder how big that storm was. The story is about Jonah so it seems God would have caused a storm to form around him. But our actions affect everyone around us and a great number of people we wouldn’t have ever realized. Could that storm have damaged homes onshore somewhere? Could it have sunk smaller boats in the general vicinity? Yeah it scared the people on board Jonah’s boat; caused them to throw overboard all their cargo and plead with their gods, but how much additional damage was caused by the great storm… we’ll never know.

Jonah apparently didn’t stop to think about all the lives he’d affect by fleeing instead of going. In SO many ways all throughout every single day spiritually and very unspiritually we face the same issue. Especially in this consumer based society we live in. Think about the clothing made in Vietnam (just to name a place) you purchased %50 off for $3 the other day. That retailer was able to sell it for $3 because that’s about how much the hands that made it saw during that entire month it was manufactured. What about the chicken we ate for dinner, that we didn’t raise ourselves, didn’t take good care of and provide a humane life for. Think about the horrendous inhumane chemical exposed life it lived before you ate it. I know I don’t want to think about it either. Then there’s the cashier who works for a company that they’re not entirely fond of either who upset you because of the company they work for who you got upset with and mistreated. It’s a vicious cycle but it’s all about ME. I suppose I could go on and on and on but this paragraph is already getting really annoying.

As of right now after 30 years of living my book would definitely be entitled, “Michal.” I suppose there’d be a few chapters highlighting another’s name but overall these 30 years have been about me. I don’t want to be like Jonah. I don’t want to cause storms to arise that wreak havoc in the lives of others. I don’t want to be so focused on me that I’m oblivious to what’s going on around me. I don’t want to make decision after decision based on self centeredness (and luxury) and completely overlook the life that’s happening all around me. I’d rather arise and go. I’d rather turn my eyes towards others, stop focusing on this fragile body I inhabit, and affect the world I live in positively with awareness and vision.

I think next year’s blog might be entitled, “How I stopped exploiting impoverished workers all over this planet, stopped abusing helpless animals, stopped wasting time on my every fleeting desire and overall consuming laziness, stopped living for myself and started seeing the storm that’s formed all around me.”

'Thus says the Lord GOD to the shepherds: "Woe to the shepherds… who feed themselves! Should not the shepherds feed the flocks? You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool; you slaughter the fatlings, but you do not feed the flock. The weak you have not strengthened, nor have you healed those who were sick, nor bound up the broken, nor brought back what was driven away, nor sought what was lost; but with force and cruelty you have ruled them. 'Thus says the Lord GOD: "Behold, I am against the shepherds, and I will require My flock at their hand; I will cause them to cease feeding the sheep, and the shepherds shall feed themselves no more; for I will deliver My flock from their mouths, that they may no longer be food for them." Ezk 34:2-4, 10

Day 210

I have been married for 8 years. I love HAVING a husband and I love BEING a wife. I agree completely with the Bible when it states that two flesh become one. I feel incomplete without Jesse. Something essential is missing when he's not around, even if him being around means he's picking on me or annoying me or filling the day with dumb movies. He is a half of me and I'm not whole without him. I'm very thankful for our 8 years and I look forward to an eternity with him by my side.

Excess, Day 209

The house I call home has 19 closets/ cupboards and 43 drawers. All of which are filled practically to overflowing with STUFF. Every one of these compartments is designed to house THINGS which may be used at some point in time. The majority of the STUFF that resides within the above mentioned compartments never leaves its resting place. Oooh… maybe I’ll need that later. Oh… I wouldn’t want to have to buy another one of those if the need arose. Well… all the others might wear out and then I’ll need this one. Ahh… I remember when I got that, I better keep it.

At this point in time I can no long find a rationalization for housing all the STUFFS contained within these closets, cupboards and drawers. The oohs and ahhs are no longer cutting it. I’m surrounded by excess, by clutter, by nonsensical items of which I’ll probably never use. I know for a fact that there are people living quite happily all over this planet with very little possessions to call their own. I’m more than ready to join them.

I no longer need all these THINGS but rather I need to get rid of them. I need to have order, cleanliness, and some simplicity concerning the stuff that’s invaded my life. Obtaining, collecting, and gathering were such simple, practically effortless tasks. I’m not entirely sure how all the STUFFS managed to take over every bit of our storage space but reclaiming that space for more practical use is looking to be a million times more difficult than utilizing it has been. The drawers, closets, compartments all over the house unfortunately need to take a back burner but I’m baby stepping my way to them and by golly they’re going to be cleansed. The excess must go!

Lurking in every drawer, Day 208

Honestly could it be considered a mental condition how much I fret about the absurdly random pointless and wasteful contents filling practically every drawer in this house? I may have a problem... only this problem is solvable. I just need to clean out all these drawers. Ay!

Autumn…almost, Day 207

There was a chill in the air tonight. Cozy sweaters, glistening chilly morning dew and forests filled with brightly colored autumn leaves… ahh, I can picture it all. fall is rapidly approaching. With my favorite time of year only weeks away I’m struggling to suppress an eagerness for its arrival.

I find a childish giddiness when thinking upon that first slice of hot pumpkin pie with whipped cream slowing melting on top. I can almost feel the soothing warmth as I anticipate this year’s first cup of steaming apple cider. But summer is not over just yet and I refuse to prematurely dismiss it. Despite the smog like humidity and sweltering heat that’s been assaulting us Michiganders for far too long I feel a need to make the most of what remains of this bright steamy season.

At least one stroll down the Grand Haven pier is in order with Lake Michigan as far as the eye can see on either side of me. I intend to put on my light blue shorts and stripe-ity tank (2 of this year’s 34 purchases) and walk barefoot through the hot sand as the sun beats down warm upon my exposed skin. I shall listen to the seagulls talking and the waves rushing over the sand as I inhale the uniquely distinct aroma of sunscreen, tobacco, lake water, fresh air, and fishiness swirled into one authentic fragrance by Mother Nature giving us all the smell of the beach. I must take advantage of the warmth at least once more in my backyard with a lawn chair and a book. I suppose at least one more frozen hot chocolate is in order before real hot chocolate finds its way back into my life. And one additional summertime BBQ sounds delightful.

Summer isn’t quite over yet. I will not let the negative overtake the good things. Each day is new and special and has a world of wonder to offer.

If I say, "My foot slips," Your mercy, O LORD, will hold me up. In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul. Psalm 94:18-19

Each day has a new Sunrise, Day 206

This morning was awful. I was finally able to peel myself from beneath my covers about 15 minutes before I needed to be (30 minutes away) at work. I could barely open my eyes. I was tired beyond belief. I’ve been having weird dreams lately and I think they’re sort of day dream half awake type dreams because I’ve been waking up exhausted. It’s been taking me every bit of will power I have to sit up and accept the new day. I could see a lot of caffeine in my near future. I got dressed, made tea, and was out the door. This left about 10 things I’d hoped to accomplish before work in the dust. Horribly enough at one point in-between clothing myself and making tea I wondered if it was ground hogs day. I felt like I was minute by minute reliving yesterday’s morning. It wasn’t one of those intriguing déjàvu moments where every little second is familiar. I just felt like I was repeating Monday all over again.


I left the house half awake with zero excitement about the un-new day. While walking to the car I noticed a brilliant orange blazing along the edges of the clouds overhead. The sky was filled with deep purples, yellows, incredible fire oranges amongst deep dark blue clouds with brilliantly illuminated white bits. The beautiful blue behind the large fluffy painted vapors practically made declaration of this day’s glorious newness.

The day didn’t turn out to be anything spectacular. I was incredibly tired for much of its entirety but this was a new day, unlike any other. And I’ve a spectacular morning’s sunrise to thank for reminding of such a simple fact.

(I love it when I confuse spell check, haha)

Purge, Day 205

I've done a rather poor job of keeping track but I'm pretty sure I've gotten rid of my desired goal of 365 unused items from my home already this year. The funny thing is I don't miss anything that's gone and there is still SOOOOO much that needs to go.

I am incredibly thankful for the huge lesson I'm learning this year (that hopefully I'll carry with me forever) that we tend to desire and crave and clutter our lives with stuff, stuff, and more stuff that we in no way whatsoever actually need. The air around here is getting a little easier to breathe.

Accomplished, Day 204

Today was a good day. I didn’t travel or enjoy a wonderful vacation. I didn’t experience a romantic evening with my sweetheart or dine on gourmet food. I’m not enjoying an extended weekend or any of that great stuff. Today was normal but I found motivation (not so much focus but motivation) and I tackled little tasks almost all day. I enjoyed little bits of the day as they came along. I took baby steps and I feel like I actually got somewhere today. I also came to the conclusion once again that I’m looking at the big picture a bit too often. In terms of cleaning my wonderfully cluttered home I need to pick one area and stick to it till it’s great and then move on. Additionally I slept in this morning. I ate good food. I spent the day at home with my family. I felt the breeze on my warm skin. I focused in on all three of my priorities. I took time to listen to music and to read (about Ireland… MY FAVORITE!). Today was a good day.


In case you’re wondering I did a TON of laundry.

I sanded, spackled, and painted the raw spots on the bathroom wall where the shower curtain rod did some damage and then I installed a shower curtain rod holder.

I cleaned my upstairs a bit. (If someone came over and wanted to stay the night they’ve actually got a relatively nice place to stay now)

This one’s for you Kelly: Jesse’s sister came over and took almost all those toys we sorted through. So that attic is half empty now!!!

I'd like to go about as a lily, Day 203

But that we respect time is one thing; that we submit to it is another. In the mode of being, we respect time, but we do not submit to it. In the being mode, time is dethroned; it is no longer the idol that rules our life. -Erich Fromm

Most guys are single minded. My husband is constantly thinking about music. There are times when he doesn’t hear me speaking to him because the music in his head is too loud. One of my dear friends was married to an artist. Her husband thought, slept, and ate art. His every focus was on painting, painting methods, painting materials, other painters, ect; I’m surprised the guy remembered to dress himself each morning. Most men are capable of focusing on only one thing at a time and generally they put all of their energy into that one thing. Jesse can’t even comprehend why I have silverware or cups in the sink while I’m washing the plates. Obviously they need to soak so that later they’ll be much easier and quicker to clean. But to him later doesn’t really even exist. If it’s plate time, it’s plate time… the silverware doesn’t belong during plate time.


For me plate time isn’t plate time, plate time is actually silverware time and cup time and laundry time and kitchen floor time and dinner making time and I’ll even be thinking about the book I’ve been reading during all of this time. I’m a woman. I’m a multi-tasker. I’m practically incapable of focusing on only one thing. This morning I’ve been trying to clean my house but I couldn’t stop thinking about writing this blog and so here I sit. Additionally as I cleaned I was thinking about sewing and reading and my priorities list and traveling and the budget. My mind doesn’t focus and unfortunately as much as I appreciate the ability to comprehend that the silverware will need to be washed next and soaking it while washing the plates is beneficial I can’t stand my inability to FOCUS.

Sometimes I wish I had the male attribute of singularity so that I could more effectively utilize my time. While thinking about everything imaginable this morning and slightly driving myself insane with the inability to choose thee most important task I kept wishing for this ability to “more effectively utilize my time.”

Alas, now I have a problem with my desire to “utilize my time.” First of all “my” time doesn’t belong to me. That in itself is a having thing. Every moment I experience is simply a moment passing, a moment being lived. No moment should or could or will ever belong to me. The idea that we HAVE time in itself is so self centered. God placed us here and controls the motion of our lives, time is not mine. Taking this into consideration I’d have to desire to more effectively “utilize time.” But there’s my problem ultimately. The most single minded of men, the musicians, the artist, the sports enthusiasts (I had to throw that in there for you Jessica) they don’t’ seem to notice time at all. They really live in the being mode of existence. Time isn’t usually a factor for them. Time ceases to exist because to them a moment isn’t a moment but rather life is just life. They are so focused on that one thing, thee most important thing that they don’t really exist in time. Time is for the multi-tasker. Time is for the person with an agenda, with lists, and deadlines. Time exists for us women who compartmentalize our lives into boxes with neat little rooms. I know this is a huge generalization but it’s generally true.

So here I am once again fighting my urge to control time. Here I am once again forgetting to live and trying to conquer life. Only, I am a woman and I do not know how to focus. There has to be a huge plus side to this dilemma, right? Ok, back to cleaning and thinking and cleaning and…

Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luke 12:27

Books, Day 202

I finally finished one of the three book I checked out from the library AWHILE ago. I love finishing a book. It feels so great. One of the things I vastly enjoy about reading (I read mostly informational books) is that every time I finish reading a book I've at least 5 new subjects I want to explore. I'm SOOO glad I started reading again. It's nice to be back.

It's really that simple, Day 201

I took a bit of time while I was working today to pray for Diego and his family. It's been at least a week since I've prayed for them. Honestly as I prayed I felt like my cup was filling up. That answers my question. We just need to take time, regularly take time to lift other people up/ to love others. It's really that simple. I'm honestly not feeling so empty now.

I think this is Day 200

I feel like all I've been thinking about lately is myself. My mind has been focused on my health, my home, my family, my finances, and my state of mind. As of late I've been noticing myself becoming more and more repulsed by people. I have no patience for the shoppers at Meijer lately. The youth hanging around the water front almost make me not want to have children. People at church even, they seem so surface, so distant, I don't even want to say hi.

I spent close to a year praying for Guatemala and preparing myself to go. Almost everyday I would pray for the people there and the ministry workers who live there. I read the Bible quite diligently seeking God and hoping to grow, hoping to aquire more that I might be able to offer to the mission, to Guatemala. In preparing to love those people my eyes would find compassion daily for people here in my world.

Lately I feel empty. I'm having difficulty finding a reason to pick up the Bible. I can't stand people. I'm always tired and I haven't got a very good reason to push through... other than the simple selfish act of becoming a better me. Right now I don't even want to become a better me. I know I'm overly exauhsted at present and I'm having an intense caffine battle (after having guzzled a million sodas while trying to make it through last weeks 5 work days). But I am just being honest. I honestly don't like people right now and I honestly feel a little empty. I know there's nothing I could "have" that would make the situation any better but something is missing.

I want to work in an orphanage!

Politics, Day 199

Not a fan of this post so I deleted it.

Michal Day-Dream number 2 million and 56, Day 198

I got to thinking about Tom’s today, the shoe company that donates a pair of shoes for every pair purchased. I thought it’d be so neat if there were other companies that did the same thing. What if everything we bought benefited someone less fortunate (monetarily) somewhere in this world? That would be so incredible.


I thought about attempting this process independently. What if every time I bought a pair of shoes or a new t-shirt I bought a little pair of shoes or a little t-shirt for some little guy somewhere? Then I could send the new items to someone in need. That eventually looked very unpractical. Somewhere along this train of thought I realized that it would be so simple to donate an equal sum of money to a really great overseas organization every time I purchased a thing. I’ve only purchased 32 things in the past 198 days. I think it would be quite practical to match my further purchases with donations to people in need.

In all honestly we do not need probably 99 percent of the items we purchase (no where in that statement am I referring to food stuffs). If one made a vow to donate money based upon each of their purchases I believe this vow alone would force said one to re-evaluate the items they then purchased. Additionally every time they chose to purchase anything someone somewhere would benefit from the money spent.

I think this is a spectacular idea for so many reasons. People love Tom’s. People love the idea of helping the less fortunate. This could catch on, I’m sure of it. Do I see a non-profit forming in the near future…

When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. Leave them for the poor and the alien. I am the Lord your God. Lev. 23:22

Manuel, Day 197

One of the temps on Friday didn’t speak much English. I asked if he was there to build furniture and he sort of just smiled and showed me a piece of paper with my name written on it. I got him started on some simpler pieces. He assembled the little stuff quickly and I moved him onto some things a bit more difficult. Those took him quite a bit longer. I couldn’t tell how much English he knew because every time I talked to him he’d either simply reply with, “yes,” or “ok.” But he never looked like he fully understood what I was saying. I heard him speaking on his cell phone at one point and he was not talking Spanish.


After the little stuff was all gone I set him to work on a pretty complicated TV stand. I thought I heard it fall apart several different times but I hoped I was wrong and that he’d figure it out just like he’d done with everything else he’d assembled thus far. When I went to check on him I noticed that he was on step 12 in the instruction manual but NONE of the prior steps had been completed. He had pieces quite randomly drilled together with all the wrong screws. It was scary. I took everything apart and started to explain to him which screws were which, which pieces were which, and how to follow the instructions. I built the entire piece with him, and surprisingly he didn’t seem embarrassed or belittled only eager to learn.

Judging by his name, appearance, height and after I heard him talking on the phone I had a sneaking suspicion that he was from Guatemala. Pryingly I asked if he was living in Muskegon (where we were) or Grand Rapids. He said Grand Rapids. After he said he lived in Grand Rapids I asked where he was from. He was from Guatemala. I told him that I’d been there 4 times. I don’t think he believed me until I told him that I’d been to Chichicastenango, that I’d seen lake Atitlan, and that I knew where Guatemala city and Chimaltenango were. Then he was thoroughly impressed. He told me that he didn’t know if I could understand him but that he had learned English at a school 20 minutes from Chichi. I think that he didn’t speak much prior to this conversation because he was insecure. I told him that I understood him perfectly well and that his English was good. Then he told me that he’d only been in the US for 5 days. We talked about Guatemala while we quickly built the TV stand.

He told me that he had built furniture with another team until 10pm the night before. I ended up working 16 hours that day and he was there for 14 of those hours. He didn’t even seem tired, whereas I was slightly out of my mind after 12 hours.

The experience was so weird. This guy had been in the US for 5 days and he’d put in almost a week’s worth of work in two days. He didn’t seem tired. He did everything I asked him to do diligently. He asked if I would be back tomorrow (which to me indicated that he was fully ready and hoping to be working again the next day (Saturday)). He was working for a temp agency. He’d driven all the way to North Muskegon from Grand Rapids just to work and he was embarrassed to speak English. I’m not going to lie, I felt bad for the guy. There is no way I would ever want to be in his shoes. And then it dawned on me that he must be one of the wealthier Guatemalans. He had to pay to go to school to learn English. Full grown men in Guatemala don’t have money or time to go to school. They have to work every minute of every day. On top of that he had to afford the trip to America somehow. Basically this guy who in my eyes was in a very unfortunate position was in fact most likely thee most fortunate person in his circle of friends.

I’ve gone to Guatemala 4 times because of the beautiful people there. For 5 years I’ve been trying to overcome pride and barriers that separate me from others in my mind. I desire adamantly to be able to look at the people of Guatemala exactly the same way I would look at my neighbors. We are all God’s children. In an instant it’s dawned on me that the floor cleaners at Meijer, the “illegal’s” who work in the factories and for temp agencies, the dishwashers in the kitchens of many of our favorite restaurants; they’re all the most fortunate Guatemalans, Mexican’s, Hondurans*. We feel bad for them. I do anyway. I hate that they have to do jobs like that; that seemingly they have no other choice. But for them, they’re the lucky ones. They’re the ones who had enough money to learn English and come to the US. They’re the ones who are living in places with actual flooring (not dirt). They’re the ones who’ve refrigerators, running water, electricity. They’re the ones who can afford food, clothing, and leisure activities.

This world we live in, despite welfare, governmental health care, social security, you name it we live in a land of luxury, this world is a world of separation and barriers. The people on top are eating million dollar meals and the people on the bottom aren’t eating or drinking anything. Everyone in the middle are as different from each other as fish are from elephants. It’s one of those corny lines that shouldn’t even be said but let’s stop judging and just start loving. Really people we are all God’s children. I can’t think of one good reason for someone to have to go without food or water. And equally so I can’t think of one good reason for someone to dine upon a million dollar meal. Wouldn’t love remedy the inequality?

• I say most fortunate in terms of stuff, money, and a traditional materialistic world view. I don’t consider any person unfortunate as long as they’re living the way they desire and have access to clean water and food. Even if they desire to live in a small home with dirt floors.

I am Victorious, Day 196

I am victorious. I have won one of the fights. I no longer war with myself over purchasing or not purchasing items. I have fully arrived at this place where my head and my heart are in agreement over the matter of necessity. That’s not to say that I don’t desire every now and again. But I’m no longer fighting with myself over every other great clearance deal I walk past. I see it. I think, “That’s a good deal,” and then I walk away knowing that I don’t need it. I honestly think that I used to purchase someTHING ever single day when I got out of work. I’d get groceries and a THING. Now it’s hard for me to even believe that to have been true, but I know it is. I did.


There were MANY times past when I’d be depressed or I’d have a really bad day and this urge, this overwhelming desire to acquire would rise up and overtake me. I would need to go to the mall, to buy new shoes, or something neat for the house, or a movie… something; I would need to buy something. The more something’s I bought the more satisfied I’d feel. I cannot remember the last time I had a battle like that.

I’ve fought. I’ve told the screaming child to just be still and behave. I’ve said no to hundreds of neat items and great deals and now I can honestly say I’ve won. I can say no, easily. I can comprehend necessity AND my heart understands the truth of the matter.

While I rejoice in the reality of this revelation of victory I realize an additional three things:

1. If I stay the course I will remain the conqueror. But if I forget my past struggles and fall back into the norm; If I casually give into the little urges, the little urges will get stronger and I will find myself back where I began.
2. This is only ONE battle won. There are many many more fights to keep fighting and I’m unable to let my guard down.
3. This is proof that discipline works. If you stay the course, resist long enough and continue to stand strong, you will get strong and the battle will eventually cease.

Past Blogs about my battle, Day 9
Bordered by Frogs, Day 35
Day 41
For he had great possessions, Day 51
Tank top, t-shirt, shorts, Day 104

Day 195

I am more than ready for this work week to end. I think I'll work on "being" once Saturday rolls around. Sigh.

work Work WORK, Day 194

I left the house at about 7:10 AM and arrived back home about 9:10 PM. I'm sore and exauhsted. I don't feel like a very good team leader even though my team has been accomplishing ATON of work and getting everything required done each day. (That whole last sentance was non-essential but I'm leaving it in anyhow)

I tried to think of one really enjoyable thing about today while I drove home. I have two. I enjoyed Jesse coming to the store to bring me all of my pocket essentials which I left at home (basically my purse) and taking a Starbucks hot cocoa break with me. That was wonderful. I also enjoyed listening to mewithoutYou while I drove home. The ride was relaxing and the music was magnificant.

So for a long LONG day there were very pleasant moments.

All the talent I own, Day 193

Today was yesterday all over again. Unfortunately leading a furniture build team for 10 hours is apparently too much for me to handle. I dreamt about furniture building, or all the possible problems that could arise from trying to build furniture, all night last night. Or else I just wasn't sleeping and my mind was acting crazy thinking about furniture all night. I feel like I didn’t get any sleep. Furniture nightmares, what a concept.

This has happened a few times before. The first occasion was after I waitressed at Freedom Village for a grand opening ceremony. I had to serve mini quiches for hours and hours. I dreamt about little quiches all night after that. I woke up sick to my stomach and felt like I didn’t sleep at all. (I do still love quiche)

I’m continually amazed at how easily I get stressed. I’m starting to think that the people who are naturally dreamers weren’t given the tools required to build dreams. (I am not talking about amazing furniture here) I can barely handle mundane tasks and yet I want to take on the world. I imagine that’s where God comes in. If an individual is utterly incapable of accomplishing a thing BUT they make it to the other end of the impossible because God brought them to it… well Glory to God.

It’s like one of my favorite song lyrics, “My ideas, they outweigh all the talent I own.” Initially this line was depressing to me. Then I realized that God gives us our dreams, our visions, our passions, our desires, our ideas (essentially). And it’s neat how he always shows us stuff that’s so far beyond us because He is capable of bringing us there, despite the lack of talent we own.

I may tend to crack under pressure but God’s standing by me.

Jesus looked at them and said to them, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matt 19:26

And now I will listen to Starflyer 59, My Island

Being There, Day 192

I worked 10 hours today. I was a team leader all day even though I've spent the past 6 years working alone.

Working with 3 other people, trying to give them direction and attempting to accomplish as much as efficiently as possible during every minute of those 10 hours was mind numbing. I can honestly say that despite the tremendous amount of work I did today, I didn't accomplish one bit of productive thinking. I didn't think about life. I didn't think about God. I didn't take anytime to stop and smell the roses or read a book. I didn't notice what color the sky was or how many clouds were floating within it. I just worked.

This has happened before but today while I refelected for a moment or two on what life must be like for a truly "successful" person I felt sad for all those who've found success. I couldn't imagine my job being my life. I couldn't imagine having to come home and continue working... a lot of people have jobs like that; jobs that occupy ever fiber of their being. Those people are wealthy, successful, and they've made it in life; they're there. BUT do the bugs chirp there? Are there any wild flowers there? Does the snow sparkle? Do cardinals watch as you hang your clean sheets outside to dry? Does grass feel wonderful between your toes when you're there? Maybe, but I can't hardly believe it to be so.

I think I'll just live here.

The LORD preserves the simple; I was brought low and He saved me. Return to your rest O my soul For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you. Ps. 116:6-7

The Symphonic Insect Community, Day 191

I camped in my back yard last night. I barely slept. The ground was very hard. The air was quite humid. I kept hearing what sounded like animals near the tent and a thin bit a fabric between me and wild animals isn't very reassuring. There was a horrible cat fight at one point in time during the night. And the bugs... I think there were more bugs chirping, creaking, whistling, snapping, clicking and making every onomatopoeia sound imaginable then I could ever have dreamed up in a lifetime. The bugs kept me up almost all night. I never knew that many different types of loud noisy bugs lived in my neighborhood.

The interesting thing about the experience despite the lack of sleep and resulting tiredness is that I’m glad to have listened to the bug symphony and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Yes, I’ve this newly acquired aversion to killing bugs but generally they are annoying, yucky, and seemingly rather pointless. But the sounds which filled the humid night air, the music that overtook my ears, the bugs each uniquely singing with its own distinctive language, all in unison throughout the entire night, like a completely separate world of beings, one we neither belong to nor hardly know exists captivated me and caused me to appreciate just a tiny bit more this world I live in.

(They really were unbearably loud)

Nothing, Day 190

For almost three day I've had NOTHING to say. No change on the horizon. Nothing.