I woke up this morning and still felt ill. Then I said to myself I'm getting coffee today. And I did. It was delicious... I definitely still like coffee. The weird thing is I'm not planning on having anymore until this year is over (or at least until Christmas time) but I don't feel bad about getting that Toffee Mocha from Starbucks this morning. It was nice.
It all goes back to that balance thing. I don't want to be someone who lives on coffee... a fanatic. But I don't know how great it would be to force myself daily to never have something that I do enjoy so much. I just want to be a normal person who enjoys drinking coffee. I feel like life demands that same sort of balance in most situations in order for people to be relate-able.
On a side note (still about coffee and potentially very uninteresting) I'm already starting to draw up guidelines for the reintroduction. I'm planning on limiting coffee shop beverages to 2 a month... I think. I'm going to try and stick to decaf. And I want my home brewed java to be organic fair trade. Oh, and not drinking coffee every day would be good too.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sick Day 256
I've been sick all day. I hate being sick but I'm always intrigued by the peace, comfort and satisfaction that feeling normal brings after a sickness is over. Just feeling normal, no extra snot, no headache, no nausea, just normal is so wonderful. Wouldn't it be interesting if we were constantly thankful for normalcy, if we were always able to recall times of difficulty and pain just enough that we'd be thankful for every minute free of hardship?
It's been pretty cold lately. There have been a few days recently that I have not been able to get warm... possibly part of the reason I got sick, and my second to last toe is purple again. I keep reminding myself of the days this summer when my skin was covered in humidity slime, sweat was dripping from my forehead, the air was on full blast inside but couldn't keep up with the heat and I wished wished wished that SOMEHOW I could cool off. I try and imagine that it's that hot outside right now and the cold chilly dry air that's causing me to have to put on socks and a sweatshirt is heaven sent to relieve me from the heat outside. It actually kind of works.
I guess that finding contentment in life isn't as difficult as we make it out to be sometimes. Instead of complaining about the struggle and discomfort I just need to remind myself why this is good.
It's been pretty cold lately. There have been a few days recently that I have not been able to get warm... possibly part of the reason I got sick, and my second to last toe is purple again. I keep reminding myself of the days this summer when my skin was covered in humidity slime, sweat was dripping from my forehead, the air was on full blast inside but couldn't keep up with the heat and I wished wished wished that SOMEHOW I could cool off. I try and imagine that it's that hot outside right now and the cold chilly dry air that's causing me to have to put on socks and a sweatshirt is heaven sent to relieve me from the heat outside. It actually kind of works.
I guess that finding contentment in life isn't as difficult as we make it out to be sometimes. Instead of complaining about the struggle and discomfort I just need to remind myself why this is good.
Monday, September 27, 2010
New Shoes, Day 255
I'm slightly embarrassed in admitting this but the fact is I am getting really excited about the end of these 365 days and buying new shoes. I told myself that I was going to attempt to not purchase stuff/ things this year. But I swore I wouldn't buy one pair of shoes. I'm not a shoe fiend. I have several pairs but they're all quite old and don't extend much beyond a certain style. My dress shoes are extremely lacking. The fact of the matter is that despite my shoe ineptness in the eyes of this society I have several pairs of perfectly good comfortable shoes, while one pair of shoes is enough to satisfy the needs of anyone. Purchasing any additional shoes would be nothing other than satisfying want, craving, a desire to have.
About half way through this journey I realized that there is one pair of shoes I wear every single day, walking for about 8 hours. My work shoes. Once the cushioning behind my heels had all torn out I wondered to myself if I would be able to make it to the end of the year. They're plain black and my pants mostly cover them so the few spots where the leather sole is pulling away from the toe aren't too despicable looking and the faded black suede that's turned to dark grey in patches is mostly disclosed. But the insoles are basically smooshed to non-existence and the out soles almost have worn to the point of their being no arches. There's a small patch on each heel now where I can see that I've worn through to the insides but my feet do not get wet when it's raining. I'm pretty sure that if I wear my boots into the store during the winter I will be able to make the 365 day deadline without having purchased any shoes (work shoes included). But I'm honestly getting excited about the future date when I will be able to replace these well worn very outlasting shoes.
The experiment in itself does make me wonder though how very much waste we incur simply because we don't feel like holding out until every last ounce of use has been gotten from each item we utilize. I would have purchased new shoes long ago if I hadn't made an oath not to. But apart from the rugged appearance my feet don't ever hurt from wearing the old worn work shoes. They still keep me completely dry even in the worst rain storms. The above mentioned flaws would lead anyone, myself included to believe that these shoes should be replaced but in all reality they're still going strong. They're getting the job done. 365 days might actually not even be their deadline (even though I can't believe they'll hold out that long). How many things have we replaced simply because they were worn, looked old, had some missing pieces (but still functioned fine)??? Really, I bet the landfills are packed to overflowing with perfectly usable items.
I'm looking forward to buying new shoes. That is a fact. But I will say I'm really glad I've allowed these black suede Merrill to do their job so well for so very long.
About half way through this journey I realized that there is one pair of shoes I wear every single day, walking for about 8 hours. My work shoes. Once the cushioning behind my heels had all torn out I wondered to myself if I would be able to make it to the end of the year. They're plain black and my pants mostly cover them so the few spots where the leather sole is pulling away from the toe aren't too despicable looking and the faded black suede that's turned to dark grey in patches is mostly disclosed. But the insoles are basically smooshed to non-existence and the out soles almost have worn to the point of their being no arches. There's a small patch on each heel now where I can see that I've worn through to the insides but my feet do not get wet when it's raining. I'm pretty sure that if I wear my boots into the store during the winter I will be able to make the 365 day deadline without having purchased any shoes (work shoes included). But I'm honestly getting excited about the future date when I will be able to replace these well worn very outlasting shoes.
The experiment in itself does make me wonder though how very much waste we incur simply because we don't feel like holding out until every last ounce of use has been gotten from each item we utilize. I would have purchased new shoes long ago if I hadn't made an oath not to. But apart from the rugged appearance my feet don't ever hurt from wearing the old worn work shoes. They still keep me completely dry even in the worst rain storms. The above mentioned flaws would lead anyone, myself included to believe that these shoes should be replaced but in all reality they're still going strong. They're getting the job done. 365 days might actually not even be their deadline (even though I can't believe they'll hold out that long). How many things have we replaced simply because they were worn, looked old, had some missing pieces (but still functioned fine)??? Really, I bet the landfills are packed to overflowing with perfectly usable items.
I'm looking forward to buying new shoes. That is a fact. But I will say I'm really glad I've allowed these black suede Merrill to do their job so well for so very long.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Genuine Smiles, Day 244
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
There are people out there few and far between who present joyful genuine smiles at every passing. You know how you smile politely at passers by, you greet people with, "hello," "hi," "how are you," and keep on walking while they quickly spurt out a cordial response. I've noticed that some people always slow their pace, always beam upon greeting others, and always offer a genuine smile. These individuals always brighten my day. They don't know it. Many of them aren't my friends but rather the most basic of acquaintances. I don't know about the lives of most of these people or even much more about them than their names but they smile with a warmth that most people don't have. They haven't any reason to offer me beams of friendliness but they do anyway.
I really like these people. I make a point to walk past them when I see that they're around, just to say hello, just to partake of the light. It doesn't seem that a smile or a hello could be a gift... these are regurgitated hundreds of times each day, but some people manage to turn them into little treasures one delights in finding.
I'd just like to say thanks to all those folks with warm genuine smiles, who slow their step a bit and take notice when people pass by, who brighten my day if only for a milli-second whenever they say hi. Thank-you!
REALLY Long blog about facebook, Day 243
I like facebook because it’s an easy way to keep in touch with people you might not ever connect with otherwise. It’s neat so easily being able to see photos of the happenings in the lives of people you care about. That little red bubble offers a momentary thrill like one receives from a letter in their mailbox. And it seems an easy way to exploit yourself to hundreds of other people.
I hate facebook because it offers a sneak peek into a self created self centered cyber world of impersonal figmental relationships that elude us to believe something contrary to reality. All the statuses, all the comments, all the quotes, build up a public identity for each facebook individual. Following a persons’ gibber gabber leads one to believe they’ve an understanding, a connection, a relation to that cyber person. But we only present one, two, maybe three sides of ourselves with our constant spewing. Some are craftier than others with their postings, purposely portraying who they wish to be seen as. While others might not even think about the identity they’re creating for themselves in cyber space. I will give some the benefit of the doubt and credit them with absolute transparency but these I believe to be few and far between. It’s impossible to post your entire life on facebook. It’s not that we don’t do this same sort of identity safe guarding in the flesh but face to face it’s easier to see through the masks. When dealing with flesh one’s able to use all of their senses. When someone says something questionable you can hear the tone in which it was presented, you can see the expression worn during deliverance.
These illusionary connections are made between absolute strangers. People who knew each other for a brief few moments become “friends” and watch each other’s cyber lives unfolding daily for what purpose? Connection? Relationship? A greater understanding of the human race? I cannot honestly say. I wonder if facebook is a good way to stay in touch and keep friendships alive or if it’s just a really good illusion of relationship. There are people I am “friends” with on facebook who’s statuses I comment on, photos I look at, and honestly who’s self created cyber lives I pass judgment upon who I don’t even say hi to in passing or who don’t acknowledge me when in close proximity. Are we secret friends, cyber friends, or merely not friends at all? And then begs my earlier question what’s the purpose of the facebook relationship? Amusement? Entertainment? An ego boosting ability to declare a greater number of connections than ones neighbor?
I guess facebook is sort of like a really simple free way to write endless letters or for endless communication back and forth with our “friends.” But unlike myspace where the ruling act was leaving comments for friends facebook is very self centered. People are much more likely to update their statuses (something myspace initially did not have) so that everyone might know about ME than they are likely to leave comments/ communication for others. Facebook is very self centered even if the self being displayed is entirely at that individual’s discretion and may in no way reflect reality.
It all bothers me so much I can’t stand it but I’m addicted and it’s very much a way of life. I fear I would lose very dear friendships were I to boycott the monster altogether. So should I just deny everyone who requests my “friendship” who I’m not truly friends with. I feel that would be cruel, especially in this facebook centered era. Do I need to pursue real friendships with these individuals in order to avoid feeling duped, deceived, used, and exploited? I cannot maintain that many friendships and there are people I just don’t want to be friends with. I could hide everyone I’ve befriended who isn’t really my friend but honestly I think that’s stupid. I hate facebook but it’s more prevalent in my life than any human contact. I DO NOT call people on the phone anymore. Phone calls seem an intrusion now. Why call someone when you can conveniently upon your desired timing and theirs communicate with them through facebook?
I feel like facebook is essentially an unnatural way for people to gossip about themselves to hundreds of people at one time. But why? I cannot find an answer. I don’t believe the connections hold much validity unless there’s solid actual connection in real life but generally there isn’t. And a lot of times I feel that facebook may actually chip away at the solidity of the real relationship. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve learned of new life soon to be introduced into this world from facebook. Can I really call someone my friend who’s pregnancy I learned of from facebook? I don’t like finding of about divorce from facebook. I don’t like knowing that I wasn’t invited to someone’s party after having seen the photos on facebook. I hate that I judge anyone based on their postings on facebook or for that matter that someone might equally so be judging me. I want to stay connected to people I care about that I hardly ever see or perhaps don’t have any ability to see. I like that my friends offer tid bits about themselves which I don’t have to elicit. I enjoy that we’re willing to display our lives for public viewing freely and regularly BUT is the loss of human connection because of the effortless cyber connection that we’ve gained worth all the extra frills and thrills?
In the society of “having” facebook is a giant commodity. People who have facebook have relationships, friendships, and information about people and society. Losing this commodity means losing a part of one’s self, of one’s ego. A loss of facebook is a loss of connection to the world (although it would mean gaining an incredibly large amount of free time). I fear I could go on forever, but to what means. At present it seems like one of those necessary evils. I guess I just wanted to vent that I think it might be evil.
Sothe LORD spoke to Moses FACE TO FACE, as a man speaks to his friend. Ex. 33:11
Friday, September 24, 2010
Clothed with Humility, Day 242
I saw a woman shopping at Meijer today wearing a look of absolute frustration. She was stopped behind a super duperly slow woman and there was much to much traffic for her to pass on by. She was tapping her fingers quickly on the cart handle. Her head was bobbing back and forth a bit. Her foot was tapping on the floor. It was obvious that she'd been trapped behind the turtle lady for a while. It wasn't funny but I couldn't help but laugh. It was like I was looking right at myself.
I'm not sure it's possible but I want desperately to get over this intense frustration I feel towards the slow people of the world. I have to get signatures from team leaders everyday. Some of the team leaders are very accommodating. There are others who are rude and insulting. The mean ones seem to always be in a hurry. They act like everyone and I mean everyone, team members, other team leaders, customers, everyone is inconveniencing them. They give off this vibe that their time is much too valuable for anyone to encroach upon. They don't think about the way they talk to others, the looks they give to others, they just don't think about others. I try my hardest to avoid those team leaders. I imagine they think that they're working harder than anyone else in the store but honestly if hard work involves that much frustration and hostility towards others then I think the hard worker isn't cut out for the job they've got no matter how much they're giving to it.
I don't want my focus to push others out of the way. If loving, caring, and respecting life/ people isn't always the main focus of everything that we're doing everyday then I think we're doing something wrong. I usually get more frustrated with shoppers at Meijer when I'm shopping, not when I'm working. But I must ask myself what makes my time so valuable that it's worth looking down upon and harboring hostility towards others? I really don't think my time is that valuable (despite the fact that some of those slow people... ok most of them, don't seem to notice that anyone else is occupying this planet with them which is essentially the trap I'm trying to avoid myself when getting mad at them).
Just my thoughts for today. I want to be considerate and caring. I want to be a person who operates in patience. I've my shortcomings but I do not want to turn into one of those folks who can't see past the end of their noses; one of those folks who thinks the world revolves around them. Yuck.
I'm not sure it's possible but I want desperately to get over this intense frustration I feel towards the slow people of the world. I have to get signatures from team leaders everyday. Some of the team leaders are very accommodating. There are others who are rude and insulting. The mean ones seem to always be in a hurry. They act like everyone and I mean everyone, team members, other team leaders, customers, everyone is inconveniencing them. They give off this vibe that their time is much too valuable for anyone to encroach upon. They don't think about the way they talk to others, the looks they give to others, they just don't think about others. I try my hardest to avoid those team leaders. I imagine they think that they're working harder than anyone else in the store but honestly if hard work involves that much frustration and hostility towards others then I think the hard worker isn't cut out for the job they've got no matter how much they're giving to it.
I don't want my focus to push others out of the way. If loving, caring, and respecting life/ people isn't always the main focus of everything that we're doing everyday then I think we're doing something wrong. I usually get more frustrated with shoppers at Meijer when I'm shopping, not when I'm working. But I must ask myself what makes my time so valuable that it's worth looking down upon and harboring hostility towards others? I really don't think my time is that valuable (despite the fact that some of those slow people... ok most of them, don't seem to notice that anyone else is occupying this planet with them which is essentially the trap I'm trying to avoid myself when getting mad at them).
Just my thoughts for today. I want to be considerate and caring. I want to be a person who operates in patience. I've my shortcomings but I do not want to turn into one of those folks who can't see past the end of their noses; one of those folks who thinks the world revolves around them. Yuck.
All of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:5
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Looking, Day 241
As I drove to Ludington today I was looking for beautiful leaves. The green is fading. Brown is taking over the scene. The deep purples, vibrant reds, oranges, and yellows aren't in full swing yet but everything out of doors is changing. As I drove and looked I saw a tiny white tale deer standing near a forest. I noticed a scattering of vibrant lilac colored flowers intermingled with tiny ten inch tall yellowed trees. I passed by three giant puffy dried weeds that were dancing in the wind. Each to it's own rhythm lifted from the earth, dipped down and lifted again only to pause in the air for a few unrealistic moments and then sway side to side. The crisp puffy things unnaturally flew upwards and downwards and up again dancing with each other. Who'd have ever thought weeds could be so enchanting. There were a few BRIGHT red trees out there. And I began to notice the changing of the grass and other vegetation. The ferns growing along forest floors were all milk chocolate brown. The cattail grass in wetlands has turned a sand color. And despite the lack of beautiful yellow trees as of yet there are some exquisite yellow fields in existence at present.
Genuinely just looking, just turning my eyes (from the path I should be focused on) and noticing the world surrounding me is one of my absolute favorite things to do.
Genuinely just looking, just turning my eyes (from the path I should be focused on) and noticing the world surrounding me is one of my absolute favorite things to do.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Food, Day 240
I realize more fully now why I struggle so much with food. I look back on all of today (which isn't quite over) searching my memory for the good things. Driving through the country with a hot cup of tea while the sun's rising colored the horizon was the highlight of my day. The second good moment was when I consumed a hot cup of cider. And that's all I've got. I tried to think of little things I could do throughout the day to brighten it up, to create good memories, to feel a bit more like I'd feel while on vacation. The only things I could think of were food related; stopping at a quaint little cafe for lunch (didn't do it... dieting); enjoying scrumptious truffles during my break time while reading a library book (didn't do it... dieting. Oh, I did read the book and that was good); dining out at a delicious restaurant for dinner (you know the drill). I REALLY enjoy food but I battle with it for that very reason. It's so easy no matter how difficult, weary and jammed pack a day may be to find a moment of delight in something delicious. It's not so easy burning an excessive amount of extra un-needed calories before the day's end.
Glorious Vacation, Day 239
I was watching a commercial for a cruise line and as each splendid image flashed across the screen I thought to myself, "You know what, I want to take a cruise." I've never wanted to take a cruise before. Except maybe an Alaskan one, just for the shoreline scenery and to go to Alaska. But I was watching all the excitement flash across the screen and it grabbed a hold of me. I figured it'd be a lot of fun to get caught up in that commercial for a few days.
The truth is I'm not really a fan of excitement like that. I enjoy history and the beauty of the world. I enjoy experiencing culture. A boat party probably wouldn't even be fun for me. I imagine it's kind of like being stuck in a really elaborate mall/ hotel. But the flashing images tricked me for a minute.
If you look back to any good vacation you may have had I bet it seems a lot like that commercial. All the best and biggest and most memorable parts quickly rush to mind. We create our own little commercial about our past experience and it's enough to make life look super dull, boring, and wasteful. Our own little vacation memorandum commercial draws us to escape, to find vacation with all the spectacular flashing images involved. We often times forget about hardships during the travel (or at least remember them as being adventurous). When we first think about the wonderful experience we don't remember being tired, or frustrated. We don't remember the little inconveniences, annoyances, and down times. We chose to remember it the way we hoped it would be; as wonderful.
I was just thinking that we could do the same thing with everyday life. I could compile a bunch of memories in my mind of the good parts of the day, of the wonderful beauty I've seen, and I could look back upon each day with fondness and gratitude. I could chose to forget tiredness, boring patches, frustration and stupid people (I'm sorry but they are out there). But at home those are usually the images that flash through my mind when I'm looking back upon the day, when I'm wishing to escape, to vacation, to hop on a cruise ship in a commercial. At home I'm drawn to remember the bad stuff. While I away I feel that time is to precious to let the bad stuff have any foothold. Looks like I'm one of the stupid people.
I think maybe I'll vacation today... or at least I'll try and remember the good stuff.
The truth is I'm not really a fan of excitement like that. I enjoy history and the beauty of the world. I enjoy experiencing culture. A boat party probably wouldn't even be fun for me. I imagine it's kind of like being stuck in a really elaborate mall/ hotel. But the flashing images tricked me for a minute.
If you look back to any good vacation you may have had I bet it seems a lot like that commercial. All the best and biggest and most memorable parts quickly rush to mind. We create our own little commercial about our past experience and it's enough to make life look super dull, boring, and wasteful. Our own little vacation memorandum commercial draws us to escape, to find vacation with all the spectacular flashing images involved. We often times forget about hardships during the travel (or at least remember them as being adventurous). When we first think about the wonderful experience we don't remember being tired, or frustrated. We don't remember the little inconveniences, annoyances, and down times. We chose to remember it the way we hoped it would be; as wonderful.
I was just thinking that we could do the same thing with everyday life. I could compile a bunch of memories in my mind of the good parts of the day, of the wonderful beauty I've seen, and I could look back upon each day with fondness and gratitude. I could chose to forget tiredness, boring patches, frustration and stupid people (I'm sorry but they are out there). But at home those are usually the images that flash through my mind when I'm looking back upon the day, when I'm wishing to escape, to vacation, to hop on a cruise ship in a commercial. At home I'm drawn to remember the bad stuff. While I away I feel that time is to precious to let the bad stuff have any foothold. Looks like I'm one of the stupid people.
I think maybe I'll vacation today... or at least I'll try and remember the good stuff.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Abba, Day 238
I remember when I was a kid I used to read about the Israelites complaining their way through the desert. I would get so mad at them for not realizing that God would take care of them and that He had a perfect plan for them. At a young age I couldn't even comprehend why they'd complain when they had such a good God, such a big God watching after them. The time they made the calf was the worst. God was right there with them, feeding them, leading them in a pillar of fire and a pillar of cloud, and resting on top of that mountain. Moses disappeared for a few days and they rallied against every bit of truth and hope they had to hold onto. It infuriated me. I generally sided with God and figured He should just kill them all.
Fifteen maybe twenty years later I catch myself losing site of the pillar of fire or the pillar of cloud often. I turn and look the other way. Instantly I'm bombarded with all these distractions and lies and I forget about the awesome God who's leading me to safety and the promised land. I feel like the Israelites in the desert all the time. I feel like I have to take care of myself despite my inability to. I feel like I'm not going to make it out of this desert alive. I feel like I need to find something to grab hold of that will rescue me from the hardship (and honestly my life isn't difficult I'm just really emotional and emotionally weak).
I believe that there's an awful lie (rooted in pride) that we as adults prescribe to. We think due to age and maturity we've the responsibility to make all things good, right, correct, perfect, orderly. When I had no doubt that my mom would always be there for me if I was in need I thought the Israelites were dumb because they couldn't trust their heavenly Father. Now that I'm the responsible one and really sucky at taking care of myself, I guess inwardly I expect that God won't be much good at taking care of me either.
First of all I'm realizing that I shouldn't have been so hard on the Israelites. People are never perfect. In reality life is much more difficult than the 10 year old me thought it to be. But at the same time I don't think it should be. I think the 10 year old me was right. God will always be there. He is leading the way, I just need to follow. His way is perfect. Mine... kinda like melting all the gold into a calf to worship, not so perfect. As I sigh I tell myself I'm not so adulty as I think, I do need my Father.
Fifteen maybe twenty years later I catch myself losing site of the pillar of fire or the pillar of cloud often. I turn and look the other way. Instantly I'm bombarded with all these distractions and lies and I forget about the awesome God who's leading me to safety and the promised land. I feel like the Israelites in the desert all the time. I feel like I have to take care of myself despite my inability to. I feel like I'm not going to make it out of this desert alive. I feel like I need to find something to grab hold of that will rescue me from the hardship (and honestly my life isn't difficult I'm just really emotional and emotionally weak).
I believe that there's an awful lie (rooted in pride) that we as adults prescribe to. We think due to age and maturity we've the responsibility to make all things good, right, correct, perfect, orderly. When I had no doubt that my mom would always be there for me if I was in need I thought the Israelites were dumb because they couldn't trust their heavenly Father. Now that I'm the responsible one and really sucky at taking care of myself, I guess inwardly I expect that God won't be much good at taking care of me either.
First of all I'm realizing that I shouldn't have been so hard on the Israelites. People are never perfect. In reality life is much more difficult than the 10 year old me thought it to be. But at the same time I don't think it should be. I think the 10 year old me was right. God will always be there. He is leading the way, I just need to follow. His way is perfect. Mine... kinda like melting all the gold into a calf to worship, not so perfect. As I sigh I tell myself I'm not so adulty as I think, I do need my Father.
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you." Deut 31:6
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Rut, Day 237
One interesting although not so good thing about blogging everyday is that I'm pretty quick to notice when I'm stuck in a gloomy rut.
One interestingly good thing about blogging everyday is that I'm pretty quite to notice when I'm stuck in a rut.
I have been very unproductive lately (in the past week, week and a half); not reading, not drawing (something I've been very determined to do lately), not organizing around this house, and certainly not appreciating life very much. I've been gloomy and winter hasn't even started. Blogging has helped me to see that I ride this constant emotional wave. I'm excited about life and looking for beauty, and then I'm bummy, grouchy, gloomy, unmotivated. Next thing you know I'm back to being motivated, productive, excited. The thing that really bothers me though is that I don't see a trigger in the pattern. It's like the moods just come and go at will and I have no say in the matter. I say fooy or fui.
I'm ready to climb out of this rut.
One interestingly good thing about blogging everyday is that I'm pretty quite to notice when I'm stuck in a rut.
I have been very unproductive lately (in the past week, week and a half); not reading, not drawing (something I've been very determined to do lately), not organizing around this house, and certainly not appreciating life very much. I've been gloomy and winter hasn't even started. Blogging has helped me to see that I ride this constant emotional wave. I'm excited about life and looking for beauty, and then I'm bummy, grouchy, gloomy, unmotivated. Next thing you know I'm back to being motivated, productive, excited. The thing that really bothers me though is that I don't see a trigger in the pattern. It's like the moods just come and go at will and I have no say in the matter. I say fooy or fui.
I'm ready to climb out of this rut.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
No Patience, Day 236
Today was one of those really long exhausting days.
Have you ever wondered what the person walking behind you in the store was thinking. Well if it was me today then I was thinking, "why the heck are you walking SOOOOO slowly in the middle of the aisle, can't you see that there are other people here who don't want to move at turtle speed? AHHHHHHH, go, Go, GO, you suck! Why are you walking so slow???? Just move to the side. Are you blind? Can you seriously not here me scuffing my feet right here behind you? Why do all these people insist on walking so slow?"
I was working but I'm pretty sure online shopping was invented for me. I don't like stores. I don't like going to them, being in them, getting out of them. And yet I work in a store (well 10 stores). I really need to rethink things. Right now however I'm going to stop thinking. My brain is tired.
I'm not sure what this has to do with anything but it's all I can think of today because I feel like I was operating on full speed in a slow motion world today. It was not fun.
Have you ever wondered what the person walking behind you in the store was thinking. Well if it was me today then I was thinking, "why the heck are you walking SOOOOO slowly in the middle of the aisle, can't you see that there are other people here who don't want to move at turtle speed? AHHHHHHH, go, Go, GO, you suck! Why are you walking so slow???? Just move to the side. Are you blind? Can you seriously not here me scuffing my feet right here behind you? Why do all these people insist on walking so slow?"
I was working but I'm pretty sure online shopping was invented for me. I don't like stores. I don't like going to them, being in them, getting out of them. And yet I work in a store (well 10 stores). I really need to rethink things. Right now however I'm going to stop thinking. My brain is tired.
I'm not sure what this has to do with anything but it's all I can think of today because I feel like I was operating on full speed in a slow motion world today. It was not fun.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Good Day 235
As I left my home this morning I felt as though I was driving towards a paradise that in no way resembled a route to work but rather an Africa with cows and deer and geese. The sunrise was a yellowy orange gorgeousness and the small bit of clouds that sat just above it's rising looked like a safari photograph.
I listened to worship music while I drove today. It wasn't distracting. It was like fuel, better than whole grains or caffeine. It filled me with strength, peace, and joy. It helped me to face the day with optimism instead of anxiety and dread. And it was beautiful.
Work was great. I got out early. I had time to do TONS of yard work at home. I read the Bible. I spent a short bit of the evening babysitting, playing at a park with two kids.
I feel refreshed at peace, and happy about today. Still tired. Good night.
I listened to worship music while I drove today. It wasn't distracting. It was like fuel, better than whole grains or caffeine. It filled me with strength, peace, and joy. It helped me to face the day with optimism instead of anxiety and dread. And it was beautiful.
Work was great. I got out early. I had time to do TONS of yard work at home. I read the Bible. I spent a short bit of the evening babysitting, playing at a park with two kids.
I feel refreshed at peace, and happy about today. Still tired. Good night.
Day 234
When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. Luke 2:45I’ve realized as of late that I've been purposely distracting myself. I've been listening to the radio (news radio) even when it's just the annoying commercials just to avoid thinking. I've been sitting in front of the computer honestly doing nothing for minutes here minutes there when I could instead be reading or cleaning or doing something productive. When I sit and think I go over and over all the things in life that I feel need addressing. Like trying to spend more time with friends (something I've been totally neglecting lately), getting back to cleaning up the clutter around here, drawing all those pictures I've come up with in my head which have yet to meet paper, figuring out how to be more positive and less mopey, coming up with a reasonable budget and sticking to it... I just think and think and think and the brain never lets me rest unless I'm distracting it with noise, nonsense, chatter. Since I've noticed myself doing this I'm not very proud of the revelation. What a wimpy thing to do.
Today I'm trying a new tactic. I'm going to cut out the noise and then I'm going to spend some quality time with a good friend I've been neglecting more than most. The nice thing is that I can talk to him in my car, while I'm working, during book reading time, the opportunities are endless. Luke 2:44 says "Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day." He's not here and it's been much longer than a day. No more distractions, I'm going back to Jerusalem.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Coffee update, Day 233
I've gone 216 days without coffee. That's 30.85 weeks or 7 months.
I cannot tell you how many times I've wished I could just give in and purchase a white chocolate mocha with caramel. The mornings I've craved a good Guatemalan bean brew with hazelnut coffee matte seem endless now. I've almost purchased an icy cold mocha frappacino every single Friday before work since I began this nonsensical fast. And the weddings, parties, and family gatherings where coffee is without a doubt always presented with cake or some other delectable pastry have been torture.
At present I'm pretty sure I haven't learned how to be me without coffee. I read an interesting line in Time magazine last week in the article about prescription drug addition/ abuse/ overdoses. Our brains crave substances that make our bodies happy, drugs, sugar, ect; Once a substance is introduced and once it's been around long enough the brain can no longer function normally without it. A lady from a rehab center said, once the brain becomes a pickle it can't go back to being a cucumber. I'm affraid I have coffee pickle brain damage. I cannot get the stuff off of my mind.
However, I would like this update to be along a bit more of a positive note. I figure in 216 days without coffee I've avoided AT LEAST 325 cups of the liquid brown stuff. At least 80 of those would have been from Starbucks or another cafe. That's a minimum savings of $310. AND THERE'S THE POSITIVE NOTE!!! That's probably a low figure and I can honestly say most of those 80 coffee shop coffee's weren't replaced by another, chai, cocoa, smoothie. I've hardly frequented coffee shop counters during this fast.
(80 cups is super conservative... it's probably closer to 150 which would be a $560 savings in 216 days!!! According to that figure I'd save about $950 during a year without coffee shop coffee)
yep.
I cannot tell you how many times I've wished I could just give in and purchase a white chocolate mocha with caramel. The mornings I've craved a good Guatemalan bean brew with hazelnut coffee matte seem endless now. I've almost purchased an icy cold mocha frappacino every single Friday before work since I began this nonsensical fast. And the weddings, parties, and family gatherings where coffee is without a doubt always presented with cake or some other delectable pastry have been torture.
At present I'm pretty sure I haven't learned how to be me without coffee. I read an interesting line in Time magazine last week in the article about prescription drug addition/ abuse/ overdoses. Our brains crave substances that make our bodies happy, drugs, sugar, ect; Once a substance is introduced and once it's been around long enough the brain can no longer function normally without it. A lady from a rehab center said, once the brain becomes a pickle it can't go back to being a cucumber. I'm affraid I have coffee pickle brain damage. I cannot get the stuff off of my mind.
However, I would like this update to be along a bit more of a positive note. I figure in 216 days without coffee I've avoided AT LEAST 325 cups of the liquid brown stuff. At least 80 of those would have been from Starbucks or another cafe. That's a minimum savings of $310. AND THERE'S THE POSITIVE NOTE!!! That's probably a low figure and I can honestly say most of those 80 coffee shop coffee's weren't replaced by another, chai, cocoa, smoothie. I've hardly frequented coffee shop counters during this fast.
(80 cups is super conservative... it's probably closer to 150 which would be a $560 savings in 216 days!!! According to that figure I'd save about $950 during a year without coffee shop coffee)
yep.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Day 232
The highlight of my day was witnessing a handful of three and four year olds laughing hysterically for several minutes at a puppet lamb trying to eat fake tulips. That one incident made all of today worthwhile. I'm ok with that.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Enjoying Now, 231
Before the sunrise I finished up my most recent photo shoot editing with Miles Davis playing in the background.
I took a few moments out to enjoy the beautiful new morning once the sun began illuminating the sky.
I stretched for an early jog while Lindford Deweiler's beautiful piano playing filled this home with harmony.
I took the doggies for a little run in the wonderful morning air with a lite sprinkle of rain falling on our cheeks. They hardly ever get to go out on the leash because somebody never trained them. It was exhausting but they loved it and I got to exercise and spend time with my babies at the same time (while they were having the time of their lives).
I started early and put some dinner in the crock pot so I won't have to cook later.
Rue Royale helped me tidy up the house which was rewarding in so many ways.
I definitely found peace in being this morning. I worked on maintaining my home and on creative endeavors (I also didn't spend money and jogging is sort of a part of being in a good marriage because health is very important to both of us). I made sure to stop and appreciate the world around me. No matter what I was doing I figured out a way to enjoy it. It certainly didn't last all day but it was a very pleasant morning.
I took a few moments out to enjoy the beautiful new morning once the sun began illuminating the sky.
I stretched for an early jog while Lindford Deweiler's beautiful piano playing filled this home with harmony.
I took the doggies for a little run in the wonderful morning air with a lite sprinkle of rain falling on our cheeks. They hardly ever get to go out on the leash because somebody never trained them. It was exhausting but they loved it and I got to exercise and spend time with my babies at the same time (while they were having the time of their lives).
I started early and put some dinner in the crock pot so I won't have to cook later.
Rue Royale helped me tidy up the house which was rewarding in so many ways.
I definitely found peace in being this morning. I worked on maintaining my home and on creative endeavors (I also didn't spend money and jogging is sort of a part of being in a good marriage because health is very important to both of us). I made sure to stop and appreciate the world around me. No matter what I was doing I figured out a way to enjoy it. It certainly didn't last all day but it was a very pleasant morning.
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price [is] far above rubies. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Prov. 31:10,27
Good Morning, Day 230
I have a LOOONNNNGG list of "needs to be done now" stuffs to tackle today (ok maybe it's just should be done soon stuffs).
Let's see if I can "BE," grow, experience life, and increase in the meantime while avoiding the hubub and mind numbing exhaustion that usually ensues... let's just see.
Let's see if I can "BE," grow, experience life, and increase in the meantime while avoiding the hubub and mind numbing exhaustion that usually ensues... let's just see.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Venturing, Day 229
I've only half begun to ponder process. If being, growing, existing, movement are what there is to enjoy about life; aside from having things, owning things, acquiring things; just process; then I have a problem. I generally enjoy the outcome more than the journey. Should the journey I embark upon, whether it be drawing a picture, organizing a scrap book, cleaning out a closet, or venturing to Spain be enjoyable to be worthwhile? What makes the process worthwhile? Is it the outcome? Is it growth within? This sort of all goes along with the priorities thing. I don't want to waste time (I waste a lot of time). If I'm continually doing something because "I have to," or because I'm really "good at it," or because it's something "you're supposed to do," what's the point? There should be a point. I mean life should be worthwhile. Everything should be worthwhile. I believe that anyhow.
Oh my goodness I think too much. This is really poorly written. I apologize.
Oh my goodness I think too much. This is really poorly written. I apologize.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Day 228
Tired.
Ok, that was my entire blog. I posted it. But then I let my dogs out and noticed the sky... yet again. It has been magnificent lately. A vast expanse of beauty, intermingling colors of perfection, consistently unique and breath taking clouds, every shade of blue and grey imaginable. I just want to say that if you haven't noticed the sky over the past several days you should take a look. It's been amazing.
Ok, that was my entire blog. I posted it. But then I let my dogs out and noticed the sky... yet again. It has been magnificent lately. A vast expanse of beauty, intermingling colors of perfection, consistently unique and breath taking clouds, every shade of blue and grey imaginable. I just want to say that if you haven't noticed the sky over the past several days you should take a look. It's been amazing.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I just need to look carefully, Day 227
The other day I walked past a single red rose in the Meijer floral department. I felt a warm soothing feeling as I passed by the flower. I was overwhelmingly compelled to buy it, bring it home, and have it. "I'm going to buy myself a beautiful rose today," sort of hummed through my mind. I was delighted at the idea of it; of capturing it's beauty for myself, brightening my home, evoking such similar feelings of comfort, joy, mirth at owning something so miraculous; being able to gaze upon it anytime I like... what a pleasant atmosphere I could've purchased with that one red rose.
I didn't. As soon as the thought to "have" it ran through my mind I remembered the opening to Erich Fromm's book, "To have or to Be?" He begins by comparing two poems. The first poem by Tennyson talks of seeing a flower, plucking it, carrying it, and being unable to understand it. The second poem is so short and simple that I didn't even see the point of it at first. It was something like, "When I look carefully I see the flower blooming by the hedge!" The first poet needs to have the flower, to posses it, to understand it. It's almost as if the flower has no meaning unless it's apart of his life. The second poet looks carefully and sees a flower.
I realized as soon as I decided to buy that rose that instead I needed to look carefully and see the flowers all around me throughout the day. I know God's surrounded me with them. When I open my eyes and look for beauty I cannot seem to take it all in or stop thanking God for allowing me the privilege of looking upon all of His splendor. I don't need to have a red rose to find comfort, joy, delight... I just need to notice all the beautiful roses growing all around me. I just need to look carefully.
I'm looking for flowers this week. (and butterfly's, beautiful clouds, radiantly emerald trees, spectacular individuals, laughing children... there's more to see than I could ever begin to imagine)
I didn't. As soon as the thought to "have" it ran through my mind I remembered the opening to Erich Fromm's book, "To have or to Be?" He begins by comparing two poems. The first poem by Tennyson talks of seeing a flower, plucking it, carrying it, and being unable to understand it. The second poem is so short and simple that I didn't even see the point of it at first. It was something like, "When I look carefully I see the flower blooming by the hedge!" The first poet needs to have the flower, to posses it, to understand it. It's almost as if the flower has no meaning unless it's apart of his life. The second poet looks carefully and sees a flower.
I realized as soon as I decided to buy that rose that instead I needed to look carefully and see the flowers all around me throughout the day. I know God's surrounded me with them. When I open my eyes and look for beauty I cannot seem to take it all in or stop thanking God for allowing me the privilege of looking upon all of His splendor. I don't need to have a red rose to find comfort, joy, delight... I just need to notice all the beautiful roses growing all around me. I just need to look carefully.
I'm looking for flowers this week. (and butterfly's, beautiful clouds, radiantly emerald trees, spectacular individuals, laughing children... there's more to see than I could ever begin to imagine)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Just sort of rambling, Day 226
Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give to him who has need. Eph 4:28
Very first thing this verse clearly distinguishes who is being addressed: him who stole. It almost seems irrelevant for the common man, the do gooder, average joe. It could easily be looked over by most. I know I've certainly paid it little attention up until now.
However, I've said it before and stumbling upon this verse causes me to say it again: I feel that anyone who considers only himself, anyone who hoards the blessings of God, anyone who chooses to turn a blind eye to the impoverished among them is stealing. The Lord blesses those He loves. We can continually praise God for this fact. But He also desires that we bless those around us, those He loves, that we be the hands and feet of Jesus Christ here on earth now. Forgetting that "our" money belongs to God is in fact stealing.
I can not and will not be made righteous by works. If I give all I have to the poor but have not love I am nothing. If I offer to others all that the Lord has poured out upon me and forget to be thankful for what the Lord has given ME, then I've escaped the blessing. BUT if I use God's gifts on myself for myself, selfishly and blindly forgetting about others then I have not love.
Why... why does balance, that point where all things come together and make perfect sense elude me so? I'm not happy being an extremist. Extremists usually offend people and cannot see past the end of their noses. Balance is the only thing that will keep this world turning and yet it's such a difficult rhythm to find.
I guess the equation goes something like this: God the Father - Jesus Christ - love - Commandments - others - me...
Coffeeeeee, Day 225
One of my favorite things to do lately is sleep. I don't want to get out of bed each morning. I look forward to continued sleep more than I look forward to executing a new day. Sadly each morning I think to myself along these lines: If only I had coffee to look forward to. I'm pretty sure I'm a hardcore addict, maybe a cafeic. Other than for one week in June while I was in Guatemala I haven't had coffee since January, SEVEN MONTHS! But I still wish I could have it almost every single day... actually I wish I could have it every day.
At this point in time I believe this coffee craving is purely mental. There's some subconscious connection I have between coffee and comfort and my body thinks I need it to be happy. I've actually been wondering to myself if I'll even still like it once I reincorporate it (probably a really stupid wondering). I wonder if I could figure out how the connection was made if I could make just as strong a connection with, say, water. And it's not the caffeine. I still allow myself tea and caffeinated colas. I'm annoyed with myself over this issue.
This "being me without coffee" goal is looking to be impossible.
At this point in time I believe this coffee craving is purely mental. There's some subconscious connection I have between coffee and comfort and my body thinks I need it to be happy. I've actually been wondering to myself if I'll even still like it once I reincorporate it (probably a really stupid wondering). I wonder if I could figure out how the connection was made if I could make just as strong a connection with, say, water. And it's not the caffeine. I still allow myself tea and caffeinated colas. I'm annoyed with myself over this issue.
This "being me without coffee" goal is looking to be impossible.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
We do not NEED new dishes, Day 224
I've decided that need is relative to thought. You've never needed anything that you didn't first think you needed. What if it were possible (and I believe it is) to find contentment in all that sourrounds you and to live the life you've been given to it's absolute fullest without all those little creeping thoughts of need? I think we'd all be so much less stressed, anxious, busy, oh the list goes on. Life would be great if there weren't need.
Obviously all man alike needs food, water, shelter, and love. I'm not reffering to any of that when I talk about "having" or in this case needing. But do any of us need a brand new car or a nicer area rug? Do we need a new set of (matching) dishes (ours have become quite eclectic)? Are all the new odds and ends and niceties that we work so hard for just to replace the old odds and ends and niceties necessary? Some would say yes. Some would so no but it's nice to have niceties. I'm beggining to think defineatly not. We have what we need and anything more just makes things complicated. The poorest in this coutry are rich compared to people in truly impoverished places.
I've been struggling a little bit lately with purchasing extras. Over the past week I've had at least 5 different things in my shopping cart that I in no way needed but felt compelled enough to place in my cart before removing several minutes later. I'm thankful for the 2010 purchases list on this blog or I'd have definately bought all 5 of those things (at present I cannot remember what any of them were... pretty sure I didn't need them). Yesterday I did buy nylons. My legs are so white and covered in bruises and I convinced myself that I "needed" nylons. I wore them for less than two hours and they aquired a huge run. It was probably from crawling around on the floor. I even splurged and purchased the expensive ones. I guess people who crawl around on the floor shouldn't wear nylons. Less than two hours and I had to throw them away. I went the rest of the night with pale bruised legs and only thought about the embarssement twice. I guess I didn't "need" nylons.
Obviously all man alike needs food, water, shelter, and love. I'm not reffering to any of that when I talk about "having" or in this case needing. But do any of us need a brand new car or a nicer area rug? Do we need a new set of (matching) dishes (ours have become quite eclectic)? Are all the new odds and ends and niceties that we work so hard for just to replace the old odds and ends and niceties necessary? Some would say yes. Some would so no but it's nice to have niceties. I'm beggining to think defineatly not. We have what we need and anything more just makes things complicated. The poorest in this coutry are rich compared to people in truly impoverished places.
I've been struggling a little bit lately with purchasing extras. Over the past week I've had at least 5 different things in my shopping cart that I in no way needed but felt compelled enough to place in my cart before removing several minutes later. I'm thankful for the 2010 purchases list on this blog or I'd have definately bought all 5 of those things (at present I cannot remember what any of them were... pretty sure I didn't need them). Yesterday I did buy nylons. My legs are so white and covered in bruises and I convinced myself that I "needed" nylons. I wore them for less than two hours and they aquired a huge run. It was probably from crawling around on the floor. I even splurged and purchased the expensive ones. I guess people who crawl around on the floor shouldn't wear nylons. Less than two hours and I had to throw them away. I went the rest of the night with pale bruised legs and only thought about the embarssement twice. I guess I didn't "need" nylons.
Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give to him who has need. Eph 4:28
Do you have need?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Happy Birthday Matt, Day 223
I’ve been feeling overwhelmingly sentimental all day. Maybe it’s due to the rain, causing me to want to hunker down and invite tranquilness to settle in all around me. I could hardly focus while at work. I just wanted to get away from all the people, escape the busyness and frenzy. Throughout all of today I wished I could cling to someone I love and escape this life. To fly away to Ireland with Jesse and enjoy the relics of centuries past, the tranquil country side, and breathtaking scenery; that’s what I wished to do today. Or maybe I could’ve evoked Kelly to run away to Sweden with me. We could find café and conversation in a little Swedish shop for endless hours with Ieva, our long lost friend. I could think of a no less perfect Thursday than that. I might have rescued Starr from work. We’d then have stopped in Nevada for Faleasha, and Guatemala here we come! That would have been beyond wonderful. Maybe I shouldn’t have made plans with Christia and flown to Maine. We could have hid out in a little fishing cabin on a quaint and quite street. I imagine autumn has begun in that region. We could have talked, and talked, then quieted down and both written our memoirs. Today, all of today, I could think of nothing but escape.
I think someone could possibly create a new syndrome because of me. Every single Thursday without exception I’m convinced from beginning to end that it’s Friday. I even feel like Wednesday evening is ushering in Friday. And on Friday I’m sure it must be Saturday. Friday feels like Friday (not Saturday), but a freakish repeat seeing how Thursday felt entirely like Friday as well. Every single week!!! I think possibly I’m not meant to work 5 days or something. I just cannot get over this feeling. The worst part is that every Thursday night as I’m trying to fall asleep I’m sure, absolutely convinced in my gut that when I awake it will be Saturday. Of course my head knows I have to work in the morning (Friday). But some odd feeling somewhere in me is sure of Friday’s premature close and Saturday’s early arrival. None the less Friday always comes around anyway.
I want to escape, NOW!
Happy Birthday Matt!
I think someone could possibly create a new syndrome because of me. Every single Thursday without exception I’m convinced from beginning to end that it’s Friday. I even feel like Wednesday evening is ushering in Friday. And on Friday I’m sure it must be Saturday. Friday feels like Friday (not Saturday), but a freakish repeat seeing how Thursday felt entirely like Friday as well. Every single week!!! I think possibly I’m not meant to work 5 days or something. I just cannot get over this feeling. The worst part is that every Thursday night as I’m trying to fall asleep I’m sure, absolutely convinced in my gut that when I awake it will be Saturday. Of course my head knows I have to work in the morning (Friday). But some odd feeling somewhere in me is sure of Friday’s premature close and Saturday’s early arrival. None the less Friday always comes around anyway.
I want to escape, NOW!
Happy Birthday Matt!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Day 222
The active alive man (operating in the being existence) is like a "vessel that grows as it's filled and will never be full." -Erich Fromm
I love this line. Thinking upon the increase that lies before me; upon the paths of growth and discovery; all the newness (despite the 30 years of realizations I've happened upon); and knowing that I know hardly anything when it comes to the grand scheme of things... well, it's invigorating!
I think that when one realizes the smallness of whom they are and of what they know, it's then that life becomes awe-inspiring and unbelievably fascinating.
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